My husband changed his phone number and decided to tell me he was leaving a week ago. He filed for divorce only 4 days after telling me. We don't have children, so there is nothing keeping him around. We do have joint property, a house, that he wants to make minor changes to in order to sell. I was devastated. We have been together for 23 years, and as far as I knew, we had a wonderful relationship. We like the same movies and events, attended the ballet together, watched BBC together, had long conversations about everything, were best friends, excellent lovers, laughed and joked, shared the same spiritual path, the same political affiliation, had interests in similar stuff: astronomy, philosophy, etc.
I recently found his biological mother, 3 and 1/2 months ago, and he had been spending a lot of time talking to her. I was accustomed to getting his full attention, so I became jealous. I insisted he draw boundaries. He told her. He started telling her stuff he would never tell me. She started hating me. When I found out, I insisted he tell her we were a packaged deal and there was no way that he was going to go there without me all the time. He kept saying he didn't want to set boundaries because it was his mother. I told him he barely knew her. He told her all of his. He started betraying me to talk to her. They texted more and more. They talked on the phone more and more. He would go to her house (she lives 2 hours away), and they would talk on the phone all the way back. They insisted being alone. I railed against him. I nagged, tried to cajole, became angry. I don't know why. I found out too late that this level of obsession for adults who find their birth mothers is normal, but at the time I thought it was obsessive.
He is divorcing me. Now he says I was controlling and manipulative. He says I tried to keep them apart. He is 44 and moving in with his newfound birth mother. I begged and pleaded, tried to get him to give me another chance to no avail. He does not want to work on our marriage.
I tried to implement the "I don't care" attitude. He has cameras up in the house. I said clearly that I don't care. He watched the cameras, using them to spy on me. Now he's throwing that in my face. I am under scrutiny for everything I do and don't do. I have read the advice, but my head is swimming. I just want my husband back!
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Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you. I really appreciate it. I have read all of that stuff. I have lots of questions about detaching. We have been talking a bit, and I can see that I was critical of him frequently (I am more educated), and I did let him know how he didn't measure up. I threatened to leave him a lot (even did a couple of times for a month or two), and I just made him feel bad. The truth is that none of that is actually how I felt.
I really did love him, but I controlled him and isolated him so that no one else could see how wonderful he really was (because I was afraid he would leave me), which is another reason I was critical of him. I really was abusive in some ways, and this is not in line with my character or my core beliefs. I'm embarrassed and mortified that I did this to him.
I have talked to him, and he has been opening up to me a little. I asked for a 6 month to 1 year separation instead of a divorce, and last night he said he would be willing to do that but that I was really horrible to him and I needed to make sure I even wanted the marriage myself because I have told him that he wasn't good enough. I apologized for this, and he seemed open to listening to me do that. I am not emailing him at all. He does want to talk about all kinds of stuff when I see him in the mornings (he comes home late and leaves early), but he generally avoids me. We don't have kids, so there is no excuse to talk.
I ordered the book and am reading it this weekend, but I'm not sure how to detach really. I don't want him to go ahead and get a divorce or stop talking to me completely. We speak so little anyway.
We like the same movies and events, attended the ballet together, watched BBC together, had long conversations about everything, were best friends, excellent lovers, laughed and joked, shared the same spiritual path, the same political affiliation, had interests in similar stuff: astronomy, philosophy, etc.
That all sounds fantastic, but...
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I insisted he tell her we were a packaged deal and there was no way that he was going to go there without me all the time.
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I railed against him. I nagged, tried to cajole, became angry. I don't know why.
Wow. That sounds like very damaging, controlling, manipulative behavior. Are you sure there wasn't more of this in your apparently happy marriage? Like years of you treating him like this?
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Now he says I was controlling and manipulative. He says I tried to keep them apart.
Well it does sound like it. That's an area you can do a 180 in.
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I begged and pleaded, tried to get him to give me another chance to no avail. He does not want to work on our marriage.
Have you read DR yet? No more begging and pleading. Give him time and space. His feelings are a reflection of how he feels right NOW, but that can and will change. It takes time, you've got to be patient.
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I tried to implement the "I don't care" attitude.
That's not DB'ing. DB'ing is all about LOVINGLY detaching. Do you know Sandi's rules?
I know. I was horrible. It wasn't like that all the time, but I was bad. I feel terrible. It's like I slipped into a pattern. I should say that he cheated on my 16 years ago, and that's when I began 90% of the controlling behavior.
It sounds like your H has gone through something huge - even traumatic. And that he is panicking. Reuniting with his birth mother is bound to have an absolutely huge impact on his life - most people would want therapy to navigate this kind of thing. It is totally understandable that it would make you feel insecure, and, I think, understandable that he'd panic if he felt like he needed to choose. Especially if, in his mind, he'd nearly always put you first, started to resent it, then decided that his bond with his mother would be the final and most important thing he wouldn't capitulate on.
I think the only thing you can do is give him loads and time and space. And get rid of the cameras in your house so you can have time and space and privacy too.
I am going to read the book this weekend. I haven't read it yet, but I do know that we will have no excuse to talk even though he keeps saying he wants us to still be friends.
I wonder whether he is only doing that in order to make me comply with the divorce and the selling of the house.
I understand that Alison, but he is divorcing me. So my giving him space is the end of our relationship. I just can't even believe this is happening to me!
