How many months do I just sit here DB’g when I know the BD is coming? Is there a point where I am disrespecting myself, watching my W slowly plan this out? Could it be better to just call her out? “hey you’re not wearing your ring what’s up?” Or “I don’t want to go back to MC if we are not trying to stay M’d” or “I see the stress we both are under is impacting our kids” or “I’m not gullible I see you plotting this all out and distancing yourself and finding more and more reasons every day to justify your anger no matter what I do”
Seriously what do you do if W stops wearing her ring? It’s possible this is a one day thing due to working on the garden but it just seems... odd.
In the meantime I feel like I need to set some boundaries. Looking for feedback here on these: - I will walk away from angry conversations - I will not step into help W discipline our kids if she started the discipline (timeouts etc) - likewise If I am dealing with my child I will not have W butt in
Any good GAL ideas for someone who works FT and has 3 little kids so spends all time at work or home basically?
You should take this time and do the exact thing your W is doing and work on yourself. You give out this whoas me vibe on the forum (picture sleptrock from Flintstones), so if we can feel it your W can feel it. You have to stop reading into things she is doing.
Definitely set boundaries. Don't let her disrespect you in any way and don't let her undermind your parenting.
Do you have guy friends you can hang out with during this difficult time?
How many months do I just sit here DB’g when I know the BD is coming? Is there a point where I am disrespecting myself, watching my W slowly plan this out? Could it be better to just call her out? “hey you’re not wearing your ring what’s up?” Or “I don’t want to go back to MC if we are not trying to stay M’d” or “I see the stress we both are under is impacting our kids” or “I’m not gullible I see you plotting this all out and distancing yourself and finding more and more reasons every day to justify your anger no matter what I do”
Seriously what do you do if W stops wearing her ring? It’s possible this is a one day thing due to working on the garden but it just seems... odd.
In the meantime I feel like I need to set some boundaries. Looking for feedback here on these: - I will walk away from angry conversations - I will not step into help W discipline our kids if she started the discipline (timeouts etc) - likewise If I am dealing with my child I will not have W butt in
Any good GAL ideas for someone who works FT and has 3 little kids so spends all time at work or home basically?
Unichen - like I said I'm not you and cant tell you what to do. But if it were me I would cancel that MC session. BD was hard enough. I definitely didn't need a 3rd party there to offer comments and critiques on how that went.
Calling her out will only increase the pain. Trust me, I've tried it. Learned the hard way. I wont do that again, not unless she comes out of the MLC tunnel and SHE decides to talk about it.
They aren't in the same mindset as you. It will be seen as tremendous pressure and will push them farther away.
Rings off is a hard day. Try to breathe, try to stay calm. Meditation has helped me a lot. Walking has helped, running, maybe going to the movies or even the library with your kids? A museum? A nearby park? Sometimes going for a drive- Anything to give you just a few hours to take your mind off things.
How many months do I just sit here DB’g when I know the BD is coming? Is there a point where I am disrespecting myself, watching my W slowly plan this out? Could it be better to just call her out? “hey you’re not wearing your ring what’s up?” Or “I don’t want to go back to MC if we are not trying to stay M’d” or “I see the stress we both are under is impacting our kids” or “I’m not gullible I see you plotting this all out and distancing yourself and finding more and more reasons every day to justify your anger no matter what I do”
Seriously what do you do if W stops wearing her ring? It’s possible this is a one day thing due to working on the garden but it just seems... odd.
In the meantime I feel like I need to set some boundaries. Looking for feedback here on these: - I will walk away from angry conversations - I will not step into help W discipline our kids if she started the discipline (timeouts etc) - likewise If I am dealing with my child I will not have W butt in
Any good GAL ideas for someone who works FT and has 3 little kids so spends all time at work or home basically?
Your situation is a bit unusual in that most people here already have had the BD. I guess I haven't exactly, because W is in la-la-land and wants total independence from me except for the part where I contribute money, do housework, and take the lion's share of watching D2. She's never said the word divorce, she just acts like she's 22 and single instead of 32 and a married mom. But you seem to be doing anticipatory DB and, perhaps, speculating on how much she's plotting.
LBS feel a lot of internal pressure (believe me, I know) to just have it out, be done with it, DO SOMETHING. It rarely works. "I'm not gullible, I see you plotting..." is not going to lead to a positive connection. If you REALLY, REALLY want out that's different. But if your goal is save your M, doing things that will push her away should be avoided. I'd say you should refrain from confronting (and don't do the counseling session), but take steps behind the scenes to protect yourself and work on yourself, DB-style.
Did your W take the ring off only for one day? My W stopped wearing her ring in late January and it's still off. It hurts like hell but I've resisted any mention.
OTOH, boundaries are necessary. Walking away from angry conversations is a great one. I'm a little more mixed on the discipline ones. It's important for kids not to be able to play parents off each other. Consistency in discipline. Before our D2 was born W and I agreed that we'd back each other on discipline always. If we didn't agree we'd discuss it privately, but not contradict each other in front of the kid/s/. And it's the one area where I still do seek her out to discuss things, even if I avoid R talks like the plague these days.
To me your child-related boundaries sound almost like preparation for D and separate parenting. Dealing with your kids is the one area where, even post-D, there needs to be communication, consistency, and common ground. Where you're at now, it's also a chance to connect in a way with your W without initiating a conversation. So I always back my W up when she puts D2 in time out, because generally D2 fully earned the time out, and because it's still important for kids to see a unified face on these things. Just my 2 cents.
GAL: I only have one young child and I have similar problems. You can just tell W you've decided you need to go to the gym more, or some other activity, and get it established that at certain times you'll be out doing your thing.
M 44, W 32 T 10, M 8 D 2 Oct '18: Fantasy affair with OW1 (yes, W) Feb '19: Inseparable from new lesbian BFF Still live together but a lot of tension
Anyone else struggling on Mother’s Day? Trying to celebrate my W because she is a great mom but at the same time feeling such pain and hurt about what’s going to happen soon. And I have to act like “all is normal.” Starting to want to be alone and not around her.
Oh yes, I wrote all about it on my thread this morning. Tough also because I don't think she's been a good mother lately. Much rather not be around her.
Last year was a great Mother's Day, this year was awful. All the holidays and events marking the progression through the year are tough. W and I always used to take a long walk on the first warm day of spring with all the flowers and trees in bloom. Recently there was a perfect day for it but it's not on her radar anymore at all.
M 44, W 32 T 10, M 8 D 2 Oct '18: Fantasy affair with OW1 (yes, W) Feb '19: Inseparable from new lesbian BFF Still live together but a lot of tension
Lots of good advice on your thread. Here is a couple of things as reinforcements.
1. Have healthy boundaries 2. Don't go to MC unless you both explicitly agree prior to it that it is to work on the MR. If she's using MC to break the news, then it's just a way to softly break the news to you. Don't do that. 3. GAL.
Yes, GAL is difficult with a FT job and 3 kids. How well do you manage your time? GAL isn't about something big. It's about taking time for yourself to do something. It could a 30 minute stroll. It could be catching up with friends over a drink. It could be so many things. It could be an activity once a week that brings you joy.
The purpose of GAL is to break the negative cycle of thinking and finding joy in the world. Finding joy that is just for you and what brings happiness to you as a person. Even small moments can help.
There's always time. I am super busy but I made up a schedule and I saw how much free time I had if I made different choices. I wake up at 5am and it gives me ample time to do some things for myself.
Don't wait for BD. Just start living your life with the mindset that you are trying to improve your mental, emotional and physical health. You are rediscovering what makes you feel alive and content.
When I was hit with BD and trying to make sense of things, I realized that my kids were my priority. But I also realized that if I didn't take care of my 'needs' I wasn't the best parent to them. So I developed a 'Law of Needs'. This is what I came up with. I identified my needs and the kids needs and put them on the same level playing field. My needs were as important as theirs. And then I saw where our needs intersected which led to get new activities that we could do together. The other rule was that any time the kids needs conflicted with mine, I would prioritize their needs in that moment and defer my own needs to a later date - but I always got to them and didn't let them slip through the cracks.
Get in the mindset that what you need is important and your health matters in all areas of life. I can tell you that once I adopted this method and went on my own learning journey, I became an even better parent. My relationship with my kids is at a whole new level now. Taking care of yourself is paramount and there will be rippling effects that will compound.
Maika - this is HOME RUN wisdom here. I share a similar schedule issue with Unchien. I'm at work all day, W is SAHM mostly and when the time comes up for GAL, I'm about ready for bed. I try to rise early and get my quiet time/prayer in which has helped tremendously.
I've fallen in love with working out again, tinkering in the garage, taking extended hikes with my dog and spending time with the kiddos.
Journey of Rediscovery. I am enough. What things do I want to do? The sky's the limit.
I realized this weekend as my W was clearing out her closet, she has about 3-4x the amount of clothing I do. I always prioritized that for her. Well, now I need to do that for me. Look good, feel good.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Rising early has been a game changer for me. It allows me to workout, meditate, read some, and get ready for the day. Some of the other easier things to do - sharpen up your closet; look good everyday - this makes a marked difference in your confidence. These outer measures are just the quick ones you can do but the major work is the internal work you need to do. No wardrobe is going to fix your insecurities and emotional health issues. You need to tackle them.
I will say this and I will die by it - improving my emotional health made ALL the difference in every part of my life. Go and fight your demons and do the hard work. It is not glamorous and quite painful. But doing that will get you to a better place. Also, physical activity of any kind is a must - unless you are absolutely unable to do it. Getting your body moving is so important to get your mind right.
You should take this time and do the exact thing your W is doing and work on yourself. You give out this whoas me vibe on the forum (picture sleptrock from Flintstones), so if we can feel it your W can feel it. You have to stop reading into things she is doing.
Definitely set boundaries. Don't let her disrespect you in any way and don't let her undermind your parenting.
Do you have guy friends you can hang out with during this difficult time?
Thanks LH for the honesty. You are right I wallow and despair a lot. It was a tough weekend just because we were around each other so much, very high tension.
I do meet a good friend for lunch (we work at the same place) about once a week. I told him a few weeks ago what is going on. We are planning out some things to do outside work like a camping trip.
OTOH, boundaries are necessary. Walking away from angry conversations is a great one. I'm a little more mixed on the discipline ones. It's important for kids not to be able to play parents off each other. Consistency in discipline. Before our D2 was born W and I agreed that we'd back each other on discipline always. If we didn't agree we'd discuss it privately, but not contradict each other in front of the kid/s/. And it's the one area where I still do seek her out to discuss things, even if I avoid R talks like the plague these days.
To me your child-related boundaries sound almost like preparation for D and separate parenting. Dealing with your kids is the one area where, even post-D, there needs to be communication, consistency, and common ground. Where you're at now, it's also a chance to connect in a way with your W without initiating a conversation. So I always back my W up when she puts D2 in time out, because generally D2 fully earned the time out, and because it's still important for kids to see a unified face on these things. Just my 2 cents.
I should have provided a more specific example on the discipline item.
For instance, D5 has been acting out lately. My W may ask her to do something, and she starts to throw a tantrum, so my W will tell her to go to timeout (we typically have our kids sit in a calm place, legs crossed, hands folded, count slowly and breathe in and out). Maybe D5 will be defiant, maybe call my W a name. In the past I would step in and maybe say "Don't talk to your mother like that" and then start trying to help get her to go to timeout. My point now is that if my W is in the middle of handling it, I should not step in. I can back her up, but I should not jump in and try to "help." And vice versa. My W does step in sometimes when I feel like I calmly handling something, so as a boundary I think I could just tell her "Thank you for offering to help, I will handle S/D right now". It can be frustrating because kids sniff this out and start splitting the parents.
