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#2847833 05/03/19 12:13 PM
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2847811#Post2847811

I just had a major breakdown. I starting crying hysterically by myself not in front of anybody. I know you all said to let go and detach. I am struggling with that. How do you detach when you don’t want to? How do you stop loving? I am completely devastated. I know life goes on. I just don’t see it right now. With my current situation and now my parents. My parents situation is hard for me because my mom is handicapped and this will mean a nursing home for her, which she absolutely does not want. My parents house was a little bit of a safe place now it’s not. I feel like i am spinning out of control.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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I'm sorry you're having such a hard day. It's horrible sometimes, isn't it? I am hopeless at detaching too - and I know full well it makes me suffer more. I won't give you a 2x4 because if that was going to help, it would have helped by now. But here's some fellow feeling. It's really really hard some days, isn't it? Is there anything you can do in the next half hour for some relief and distraction?

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Hey Wolf. I know you are hurting. It´s ok man, it´s ok. Let the feelings out, cry, shout, scream, curse. After that, stand on your feet again and step forward. Step after step. Forward.

IMHO DB is not a program. It´s a process that let us change the way of our own living. We must love ourselves to be able to love others. Center on that.

Remember some DB basics. It´s a marathon, you need time and patience. You only work on yourself. There are not magic bullets. Detach, no expectations, you give W space as you need it too. Have hope, live into reality.

You need to be strong. You have your kids. You need to be there for them. They´ll follow you as a leader. Be that light. Get into amoafwl. Not for W but for yourself and your kids. Show them respect and they will respect you.

You have the strength. It is over only when you decide it. It´s not a war, it´s a road to happiness. Be on that road Wolf.


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W,

I know it feels like your life will never be “normal” again but it will I promise you. You just need to keep moving forward. No more shortcuts or taking the easy way out. You don’t have to stop loving your w. In fact if you truly love her then give her what she wants and set her free. Let her find her happiness she so desperately desires. Maybe she finds it maybe she realizes she already had it. Give her time and space to sort out her feelings.


As for your question from the previous thread. If you try to use logic and reason with her in the emotional state she is in she will tell you how she’s not happy, never was, your the reason for it, you ruined her life blah, blah, blah. Hence one more kick in the nuts.


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T:22 M:16
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�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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You cannot force detachment. It will come naturally as you walk your path. As for stop loving someone, detaching isn't about that at all. It's about helping you find a way not to react to what someone says or does. You love this person w/your entire being and it is so difficult to see them struggling and behaving in a way that is so foreign to you at the moment. You can still love them, but not like the behaviors. Lovingly let go a bit, or as we tend to say around here, drop the rope, do not hold on too tight.

It's okay to cry. Crying helps you relieve the stress and hurt of what is happening, but it also will help you become stronger in time. You are human and you've been hurt terribly and it is understandable that you are going to have period of deep, dark despair. Do not be ashamed of breaking down. Sometimes we have to do this and then you need allow those feelings to wash over you and release them.

Try to keep the focus on you and your children. They need you now more than ever. Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Been there partner...listen to what you are hearing here. You have to take care of yourself and kids first. Worrying about W will not allow you to grow. It's like hitting a brick wall with rubber ball, you'll never get through and it will do nothing but make you feel worse.

Trust me, when you are able to get to the point of truely letting go you will either see her full 180 or you will be ready to move on with your life and it will not affect you at all. The point that you are at is very hard and you see no end to the pain but keep posting and listen to the advice. The battle is about you right now....work on you...not that you are broken but that you deserve to be happy and that starts every day as soon as you wake up.


H-50
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BD - 5/9/2018
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In house sep - 8/18/2018
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I starting crying hysterically by myself not in front of anybody.
Crying is very important. Just not in the presence of your W at this point of the process. We are emotional beings. Boys are taught not to cry. You have so many stuffed emotions to release. Do it in private. Let them all out. Feel all the pain. I always feel better after a good cry. Feeling sad lets you feel happy. The other option is numb. numb [censored]. When you feel angry, feel it. channel that raw energy into something productive. Lots of guys lift weights.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by LH19
There is nothing you can do to stop it you just have to let go. Even if you DBed like a champion this would most likely be the end result.


Truer words have never been spoken. I DB'd like a champ, and I know most women would love me as their husband, but it didn't save my marriage. Let her go! You can't control her. You control you.

You don't fail if you come out of it as a better person and father and have a positive outlook on your future.

Last edited by harvey; 05/03/19 07:36 PM.
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I can’t thank you all enough for your words of wisdom. This has been a very low point for me today. I have read everybody’s comments about 3 times. I will continue to post on here. I look forward to everyone’s comments. I am going to try and take one day at a time. Thank you for letting me know crying is ok, I feel like a wuss.

Job you said. “You love this person w/your entire being and it is so difficult to see them struggling and behaving in a way that is so foreign to you at the moment.” That’s what I struggle with. What happened to the w I married? There are some things I have gotten better at. I don’t take her hurtful words to heart anymore. I am getting better with her not being with me. It’s a combination of not being with my kids all the time. When I do, I make it great. Second, it’s the future. We always had vacation plans, obviously I knew where I was going to live and how I was going to feel. That’s all up in the air. I know I shouldn’t think about the future just focus on today. But my mind constantly goes there. I am going to become a champion at DB. Thank you all again for your help. It has helped me get a grip.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 738
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
Second, it’s the future. We always had vacation plans, obviously I knew where I was going to live and how I was going to feel. That’s all up in the air. I know I shouldn’t think about the future just focus on today. But my mind constantly goes there. I am going to become a champion at DB. Thank you all again for your help. It has helped me get a grip.


So sorry you're having such a rough time, Wolf. I can relate. Very much.

I stumbled across a book called "The Power of Now" by E. Tolle at just the right moment, when I was at my lowest. It's a remarkable read, and it really helped me to understand how to focus on the present. It may be of some help to you as well...

Hang in there, man.

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