And being honest. There is still a part of me that wants to do her this favor in the hopes that it will make her think better of me and then I have to remind myself that that is emotional thinking not logical thinking. It's astonishing to me at this point did I still have to remind myself of the reality of the situation after the fact. It's still so easy to have my mind to go to pleasant memories as opposed to all of the bad ones despite the fact that the latter now far outweighs the former. This is the true lingering power of love-bombing and emotional manipulation although my relationship with Mary was not a healthy decision in hindsight it did at least keep the thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and loneliness at Bay while it lasted. Having resolved to spend time by myself on myself, has proven to put some of my old hurdles back in my path. However now I am equipped with the power of a clear mind and a hell of a lot of hindsight. the difference between emotional and logical thinking truly amazes me and it's astonishing how the mind can self-sabotage itself just to get what it wants as opposed to what it needs. I appreciate all of your input, and I thank you all for helping me keep my head on my shoulders and out of the clouds
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Looking back at the last year and a half of my life is still astonishing. It doesn't feel real, it honestly feels like all of this happened to somebody else or I watched it on TV or something. I have not had a face-to-face conversation that lasted more than 30 seconds with the woman I reproduce with and got married to in 15 months. The woman I see before me now is not someone I recognized. It honestly feels like the last five years of my life since she became a part of it are awesome hazy dream. The woman I knew, the man I was , the life I had and Was preparing for, all now feel like some half-remembered chapters of a book sleepily read and the details easily forgotten. The only thing that makes it all real in my head is my wonderful boy who I love more than the world. I often still feel like I don't know who I am my interest in Things That I Used to Love largely diminished. I do feel healthier more mentally and emotionally grounded everyday. Last March when I first found this forum, and read the quote that I've seen repeat it so many times but it's a marathon not a Sprint could not be more true. marathon runners speak of hitting the wall and having to push through it, I believe that wall , metaphorical as it may be, is something I broke through a long time ago. But just because you break through the wall doesn't mean the marathon is over. I still cannot see the finish line of this Marathon but running it got a lot easier a long time ago. I will continue to quaff Gatorade and keep wearing down my metaphorical running shoes. although I cannot see the finish line I know that on the other side of it awaits a sense of satisfaction, Personal Achievement and peace of mind. I look forward to the day when like Forrest Gump I've had enough running and turn my shootas towards home. for further insight into my current state of mind jump on YouTube and look up the song The soulforged by Blind Guardian
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OK - Hindsight is always 20/20 right? Don't beat yourself up about how things went down with Mary. Take it as a learning point. We had told you that it was a bad idea, but now you know from experience that it was not the healthy route to take. Chalk it up as a life lesson and do better next time.
There is just no way out of this except going inside yourself and doing the internal work - confronting your fears, anger, past decisions, weaknesses, how you talk to yourself etc. There is just no way around it. Nothing external can bring you that peace and detachment and fortify your mind and spirit. It is all an inside job.
Your material circumstances have improved, which is awesome. Now take the time to go inside and learn to accept yourself and find out who you are in that solitude. Also find out where you want to be and what success in life is going to look like for you.
Orange, I really liked the responses you got from JoeJoe, Ginger and TBSakaJ9 but just to reinforce what they said, quit fretting over whether you're punishing your W, or rewarding bad behavior and just concentrate on Orange and S4. If you have plans and can't change them then tell her that. If you would rather spend the time with S then tell her you can take care of him. That's it, end of story. What she does with that time should garner this reaction from you ----> WHO CARES.
My ex and I have moved days, swapped weekends and even entire weeks numerous times since D. I really don't give a crap whether she's going to a nun convention or a gang bang with the Dallas Cowboys, that's water off a duck's back. If I can accommodate her request I do it because at some point I'll need the favor back again.
Hey, Orange. It's been awhile since I've been on here and decided to pop in and check things out. I'll have to read up on your sitch when I have more time. Hope all is well. And from what I've seen about watching your son in the next few weeks, it looks like you got some good advice. If you have plans, keep them. If you'd rather spend time with your son, keep him that weekend. Keep it simple. Who cares what she does or how she perceives it. It's Orange Time. You and your son are all that matter. She shouldn't even be a thought. Take care, man...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Orange, did the Restraining ORder for your ex-FIL ever go through? If not, view this weekend as one more weekend that HE won't have access to your son. Always put your son first. Over doing her a favor or NOT doing her a favor. I know you still struggle with anger and bitterness (which is why I constantly harp on IC for you). Life is 10% what happens to you (and yes that includes all of the things you listed about how she wronged you), and 90% how your react to it. One of my big awakenings during my self discovery and improvement during and after my sitch is to ALWAYS do the right thing. No matter what. Do to others as you would have them do to you. Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you. Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and abuse you.
I was a very vengeful person in the past. And you know what? I was miserable. Once I learned to let things go, to forgive, to return good for evil, it was like I was set free. I have been happier the last 15 months of my life than I have been at any other time in my adult life.
Do what you want. Completely in your right and power to say "sorry I have plans that weekend". But do it for the right reason. Not to punish her. And not to manipulate her.
Last edited by Steve85; 04/26/1906:44 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Oh yes. I got the OP against FIL back in Oct. that is why we're still in court. After I filed a protective order he and ex-wife both got lawyers and they are contesting my protective order basing it on the grounds that I already knew about his crimes in the past, which I did not, and that it was baseless and unfounded. they are also trying to get me to pay a $5,000 fee to the court for filing a frivolous protective order and for me to reimburse all of their legal fees. We had a hearing on April 2nd that got continued as we ran out of time in the courtroom
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I appreciate everyone's advice on the upcoming weekend situation I explained. My plan is simply to wait. If it's a priority for her or she needs an option she will ask. I'm not going to reach out to her to check up on a favor she asked me about three weeks ago. as most of you have said it shouldn't matter to me what she does or does not do. I would like to clarify that it was never my intent to punish, manipulate, or teach her a lesson in any way shape or form through our co-parenting. if I were to reach out I feel like it would potentially look like I were using it as an excuse to initiate a conversation and as I said if it's a priority for her she can ask me as it approaches. it may not even come up at all again who knows. right now I'm more concerned with what I'm going to do with my weekend, as she has S4 for the weekend and I don't have any plans as of yet. If it were not raining buckets I would probably be heading to the mountains
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
