In a bit of a funk today! haven't updated in a while and I thought I'd come by and give a bit of a report.
Just found out that exW is looking for a house, potentially with the new squeeze. Things have moved at a rapid lightning pace, since it's like about half a year since they've been dating. They blended families in like a couple of months and now they're looking to buy a house together.
Kinda feels like a kick in the nut$.
My ego is feeling bruised and battered. I am also feeling that I am not able to provide everything for my kids - a house with a pool and a dog. Feeling a bit emasculated in this whole thing.
I know intellectually that this is all just my insecurities and me comparing things when I should be doing other things. Just feels like exW's replacement process of me is coming to a full circle. She's getting back to where she broke things off with me - the house with the pool minus the dog, which we would've eventually gotten.
Just wanted to put my thoughts out as I am feeling a bit down. I know I'll get past it, but it kinda $uck$ right now.
Just remember that this is an indication of how out of her mind SHE is. Instead of doing the intelligent adult thing of waiting on that before introducing your kids, and waiting like ne'er before trying to be the Brady Bunch, she's diving right in like driving off a cliff. Odds are it won't end well.
My XH did the same thing Maika. We separated in late September but he wouldn’t even call it a separation until he hit me with a separation agreement in December. Since then, he has gone all in with OW. They bought a house together, went on a vacation, got engaged and are planning a wedding for next July. It would be comical if it weren’t so pathetic. Honestly, I think they rush things like this in order to justify their actions in blowing up their families and to avoid facing themselves. After all, if they don’t go all in, what was it all about anyway? No matter...we know this is about them and not about us. I know it $uck$ but it also helps us LBSs move on as well. She’s going ahead full speed. Eventually things will slow down and she will wake up one day with the same feelings of disillusionment that she did with you and maybe, just maybe, realize it wasn’t all about the other person. No matter. You will be long gone by then and enjoying a much better life. (((HUGS)))
I understand, M. It hurts! My XH and separated in late September and were divorced by mid-December. In early January, he's all of a sudden in a new relationship with the "love of his life" and making plans to move to her home state (1500 miles away from ours), which he does in late January following our divorce. They ultimately married in June of the following year and as far as I know are still together and he is still living in her home state, though he told me and his children all along (have no idea why he told me because I couldn't have cared less) that he would be moving back to Arkansas within a year or so because he wanted to move back before the grandkids were old enough to forget him. Oops...too late!
I say all of that to say that, there will come a point in your future where it just doesn't hurt anymore. It will just be like you wake up one day and you just don't care. It is like you can finally see the other person in a different light and it is not nearly as flattering a light as you saw them when you were in the fog of love that you once felt for that person. There is no certain timeline and it is likely different for everyone. But like J9 said, give yourself some time and it WILL happen. You'll just find this peace about the whole thing.
To speak to what you said (and I think it is great that you already realize it), comparing does nothing but hurt you, so stop that! You can easily fall into the trap of "oh XW has it so great while I'm struggling" while in reality, you have NO idea what crap they are dealing with behind closed doors, but I guarantee you, it is not all sunshine and roses for them because they moved SO fast and cracks WILL start to show at some point, if they haven't already.
So, relax, focus on yourself, take care of you and move forward.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
What's really improved for me is my ability to bounce back to a positive attitude and letting a wider perspective in. I think that the full detachment journey takes its time and I can't necessarily rush it. I am looking at things that are in my control and making better decisions and moves to improve my life.
The house has always kind of been a sore point for me. exW did BD less than six months after we purchased our dream home - perfect for both of us and the kids. It finally felt like I had arrived in life as an adult lol. With all that being ripped apart in such a short amount of time, the hurt from that particular thing hasn't healed as fast as I had hoped. I know that it's just a house - bricks and walls. It wasn't the 'home' that we would've created together over years. I am missing the idea of 'home'.
I had to move from a decent townhouse to a crappier apartment to be in the kids school district and also to save some $$$. It's a wealthy neighborhood and so my options for renting something decent are very limited. And I don't have the $$ to buy a house any time soon. So, I have to start thinking about what to do. Homes that exW is looking at are outside the school district as far as I know, which means that I have to get something in a very small district that can work financially for me - this will be a challenge.
I put so much stock into having a 'house' that I forgot about the kinds of experiences that I want my kids to have. So, I am developing a list of experiences and things we can do over the next many years that can contribute to a good life for them, rather than thinking that a house will automatically fill that void.
I have to improve my financial condition and so I am focusing on that right now. Getting a better job with higher pay so that I can figure out how to afford better living conditions and pay for the types of experiences we want to have, especially travel stuff.
I had a fantastic weekend with the kids and I am looking forward to August when I have time off to do a buncha stuff with them. Some lazy days on the beach and desserts
I am sure exW's relationship can't be all that rosy and full of sunshine. Research shows that the first six months to a year, everyone is experiencing a high and then it comes down as reality sets in. We'll see how they deal with that especially because they've moved so fast, which in itself is a bit absurd. Oh well - they can sit in this pile because they created it.
I am back on track and feeling much better and hopeful and optimistic. I love this community.
Do you HAVE to be in the wealthy school district? Is there one nearby that's ok but just a little more middle class?
I ask because my experience with my kids in our wealthy local schools was that while they had generally good teachers, as they got older the effects of being in school with rich kids who had too much money and too little parental supervision was less than ideal. I wish in retrospect that we had lived in one of the nearby areas that were still good but not as wealthy.
