Sadly, I have noticed over the last 15-20 years that family is not valued the way it used to be.
Marriage has become a common throw away institution now. I constantly see people that have been married and divorced multiple times. They don't think that is an issue at all, and just part of life.
Everyone has been bombarded with the message you should be happy as an individual by any and all means. We are a culture now driven by pure selfishness. So people are destroying families and jumping from one marriage to another. Just keep getting married and hope for the best....
If fact, society does not even consider a family destroyed anymore because of divorce. They say you are just a 'Different family' now... Tell that to the kids who are in horrific pain and fear.
My 14 year old son just won a very prestigious speech competition, against all the private schools in the city. He spoke of what it's like to be a child of divorce. Not a dry eye in the room.
Most marriages are ended by women now. Its not that they had bad marriages per sey....... Its just they felt they could get a better one.........
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Andrew How come both women are not divorced? I am really curious why that would be a path they would follow. It makes total sense for you to have a conversation with them if a recon is on the cards. Why would you waste time with someone who is ambivalent. It wouldn't be worth it.
Some divorces take a lot longer than others. I don't regard the time I've spent with either of them as a waste. I made some nice friends.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I have heard that statistic as well. That a lot of marriages are ended by women. I don’t buy it. I think statistics can be skewed. I have a hunch that maybe more women are the ones to file for divorce. I did. Cause my lawyer recommended, I do that first and because my ex had left us and refused to pay child support. But I think many women are filing cause the husbands are out cheating or abandoning. That’s not to say women don’t cheat (statistics say more men do) it’s just to say that type of data is black and white and doesn’t say much.
I have seen it claimed that women file for 70% to 80% of divorce. Now some of these women are filing because of infidelity, abuse, and abandonment. However, with today's self centered, selfish, and disposable mentality it would be interesting to see what the numbers were for women and men filing for divorce because of these aforementioned mindsets. Heck just look at the people who land here. I don't have concrete numbers, but it sure seems like the majority of them are men. I often read and hear how its more and more common for people (men or women) to divorce because they just aren't happy. I have seen numbers that while men tend cheat more often than women, that gap is narrowing. Although from what I gather it seems like when a woman cheats or is just done her chances of comming back are much slimmer than if the roles were reversed.
Ultimately, I think with this whole business of divorce is a multivariate problem. While I do have some theories, I don't have the answers nor the time to thoroughly research said answers.
What I can say is that both myself and my exW were very traditional and were willing to fall on our swords for our family. At some point there became a disconnect and she became one of those chasing happy people....
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I think there are a variety of stats out there and it doesn't always give you the full picture. What seems to be clear though is that marriage as an institution is going through a significant change. More so the concept of commitment towards one person.
On a different note - just came back from the lawyers. The separation agreement is done and done. Got it fully executed and it's over with. I do feel a sense of completion and relief. It does put a fine point to the last 2 years and I can now sleep better knowing that all the issues, esp when it comes to the kids, have been sorted out. The D papers are almost ready to go - we can file it online and then the system will take care of it. As I see it, this puts an end to everything.
I don't have any feelings of sadness or regret. I did everything I could and now things have come to their natural conclusion. I can continue to rebuild my life now as I see fit.
I am only an outsider looking in, but from your description it sure seems like your XW and this guy are building a house on a very weak foundation. Like follows like, and they are both probably very needy or emotionally needed people just filling the gap. Her as a WW and him as a LBS. I guess you get to just set back and wait for the fireworks, but at the same time you are going to need to be the rock for your kids.
Personally, I would never do an open relationship. It works against my moral fabric. I have said it before on these forums that I will never get remarried, and I would be interested in a serious monogamous relationship with a woman that preferably would keep her residence while I keep mine. I think its called living together apart. That is what I am shooting for, not sure if there are any women in my age bracket that would go for that.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
TF I can only kinda say from the little I have seen so far, and with the backstory that I know of exW's bf, that how things are progressing seems very limerent and puppy love kinda stuff. The foundation doesn't seem to be good in the sense that both seem to be looking for a partnership to fill some holes in their lives. Hopefully once the limerence stage passes maybe they are able to actually work out the R and make it something stable - I dunno. There are so many examples of people still married and being unhappy.
There is also a lot of pressure at this point to make this R work. There is no way either of them are able to go back to the previous partners. If they were both coming from an abundance mindset, they would've approached the R differently or not be worried about finding the 'one'. But I feel it's coming from a deficit mindset. It's been like 3-4 months and not only did they introduce the kids very early on, but they are practically living together with switching homes depending on the schedules with the kids. It's a bit concerning but nothing I can do about it. It's just frustrating to see exW basically putting what she wants ahead of the kids and I feel that they are getting short changed. But it's her relationship with the kids and she needs to nurture and strengthen that.
For me it's all about the kids and keeping them in a rock solid place. They have that with me for sure. I am making extra sure that they are stable and that they get a lot of quality time with me and we are having fun, doing stuff together, and communicating. So far the kids seemed to be rolling with this situation, but let's see over time what happens.
I've heard a lot about the 'together living apart' situation. seems to be quite a common thing for folks in their later years.
I'm really happy with my life and enjoying this new found single life. I am not in the dating pool yet. I just need more time to get some things settled in life. I am loving this super detached mindset. With where I am at in my life and what I want from a partner and life, there is just no way exW has a road back now. She is not the person I want to be with. I am so at peace with that now. I am coming up to 2 years since BD and it's taken that much time to get to this calm zen place.
It is really exciting to be on this side of the tunnel because I just have so much clarity now. I am also very happy with myself and spending time and doing things for myself. A partnership would be great, but I don't feel like I 'need' it and that I am missing something in life.
Glad to read what you posted. Some correction only if you allow me...you are not in a tunnel, you are outside of it long time ago, freely walking your road with dignity and respect. A role model to follow.
Hugs my dear friend.
(((M)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
It is really exciting to be on this side of the tunnel because I just have so much clarity now. I am also very happy with myself and spending time and doing things for myself. A partnership would be great, but I don't feel like I 'need' it and that I am missing something in life.
So understand this on so many levels. I saw a thing awhile back that said something to the effect of I don't need someone to complete me because I'm a whole person by myself. How true is that?!?!?! While I have found love again and moving forward, after I worked through all the D stuff, I was quite content in myself and being by myself. I didn't NEED someone else nor did I feel like I was missing something. It really is a great place to be because that is when you really get back to your true self.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
