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A Message from Michele
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Goin' Solo! #2846465
04/23/19 02:50 PM
04/23/19 02:50 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,792
M
Maika Offline OP
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Maika  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,792
Hello Hello post-D folks! I am so almost there, but I thought I'd start a thread and keep it going. I've officially exited the Newcomers section and it's so much better on this side - less pain, intriguing and thinky conversations, and more fun smile

Getting my agreement signed and executed tomorrow and the D papers are ready to be filed. Can do it online so it will be a breeze. ExW is already dating someone and they're going ahead full-steam with the blended situation. It's only been like 3 months but they both are moving ahead like their R is on a bullet train. lol. It's amusing to watch and a part of me is wary because if things don't work out, it will impact the kids. They see her bf and his kids regularly and it's a full on blended family. I am not surprised - exW has never been the patient type and the backstory on this guy makes me wonder if both of them are just trying to find someone and then stick with it come hell or high water. I hope I am wrong and that this sticks and they can make it work. I know it's a strange thing to say as the LBS but I ain't taking her back so for her and kids sake, I hope it works out.

I know that I got some flak on J9's thread about me meeting the bf and I understand that it is an unconventional approach. So, let all the haters come on to my thread and give me grief lol. Now you have an official thread to berate me. I am joking and I can take the criticism - it's all good.

Picking up a point from J9's thread, I am also not planning on getting remarried. I know LH says, never say never, but I am pretty sure that marriage is not the kinda situation I want to get into ever again. I am really contemplating the types of relationship I want to have and I am not sure if committed monogamy is going to be the right fit for me. I've been exploring open relationships and other relationship models out there to see what the fuss is all about and it's gotten me thinking more and more about what I want.

I am not out dating yet as I want the D papers to be done with - maybe I am a bit traditionalist at heart which goes right against what I just wrote about relationship models. Maybe I want to get the marriage 'over' by the books and then go see what's out there in candy land.

Anyways, I am not sure what's in store for me in terms of dating, but I am getting to a place where I am really content with my life and what I am doing. I just need to go out more and build connections and more friendships. Outside of that, I am really not in a place where I 'need' a partnership, but it would add some color to my life for sure. I still have some outstanding personal things to figure out and so dating also won't happen until then potentially. I am in no rush and if someone comes along my way, I won't dismiss it just because everything isn't 'perfect' in my life right now.

Good to be here! I never thought I'd say this when I started this journey after BD. What I have right now is priceless - clarity and purpose.


No one is coming to save you!

Re: Goin' Solo! [Re: Maika] #2846470
04/23/19 03:20 PM
04/23/19 03:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,768
Canada
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AndrewP Offline
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AndrewP  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,768
Canada
Welcome! Skinny dipping with doodler (who seems quiet these days - perhaps a bad taco) isn't mandatory.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Goin' Solo! [Re: Maika] #2846479
04/23/19 03:46 PM
04/23/19 03:46 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,005
T
TBSakaJ9 Online
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TBSakaJ9  Online
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,005
Welcome M. Glad you started your thread over here. What a wild ride it has been.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Goin' Solo! [Re: Maika] #2846480
04/23/19 03:53 PM
04/23/19 03:53 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,114
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Dawn70 Offline
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Dawn70  Offline
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Welcome to the other side! Clarity is, indeed, a wonderful thing. As far as flak for your decision to have coffee with XW's bf....that was YOUR choice and one that you had to live with so while some may disagree, I don't really know why anyone would give you serious flak about it. In a way, I wish I had had that opportunity, despite the fact that my XH cheated on me with the woman, because the first time I met her was at my daughter's wedding, so a sit-down ahead of time would have been MUCH less awkward than what I got. But, I say all the time, you have to do what is right for you, regardless of what others say. So, you made a choice and you ran with it...that is all you can do. Good luck!


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Goin' Solo! [Re: Maika] #2846483
04/23/19 04:00 PM
04/23/19 04:00 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,936
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neffer Offline
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neffer  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,936
Good to read you here dear brother!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Goin' Solo! [Re: Maika] #2846486
04/23/19 04:11 PM
04/23/19 04:11 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,792
M
Maika Offline OP
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Maika  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,792
Andrew
haha! Well, doodler and I have occasionally danced the dance, so nothing new smile

J9
what a wild ride for sure! Still more to come, but at least this go around I am in the driver's seat and can have some control over what the ride will look like.

Dawn
I know I didn't get serious flak for it, but LC's response was expected. His sitch vastly different than mine and I can see where he was coming from in his response. I knew that exW was going to steamroll her new R and that her bf was going to be around the kids a lot. Just the way she informed me about her new R was information enough for me to think about what I wanted to do next. I did debate it in one of my threads and put it out to just process the thinking.

The sit-down gave me the ability to set the tone for his involvement in the lives of my kids and also get an opportunity to see a glimpse of who this guy is. If he's going to be around my kids a lot, I personally needed to get a feel for him. I am not saying that as a judgment call and that if someone didn't that they're not doing it right. I just needed it for myself. As I expected, he's been coming around a lot and they've taken this blended family situation like they've been together for years. It was a bit jarring at first, but I know how to handle myself and I processed all of those emotions and thoughts privately to come to a place of grounding for myself. He's acted with great consideration towards me and has shown that he understands his place - it does seem genuine and not because they're in the early throes of their R. He also seems to be a caring father towards his kids and so that has put me at ease a bit.

The strange thing is that I think he's a good guy. I am not sure what his calculus was in dating exW who wasn't divorced etc. Definitely different from my calculus about it, but I just try to stay away from putting too much judgment. In his background, he was the LBS, but the story is much different than what we see on the boards. His MR was over the day he got married basically and so his LBS story is pretty rough. I just hope that he's done enough emotional work to get involved again, and same goes for exW. I don't see any evidence of it from exW, and so I wonder how grounded he is. Time will tell I guess.

I am sorry to hear about meeting the OW in your circumstances. I wonder if I could've pulled that off if it happened to me. As I had said, it's all about context, not right or wrong.

It's good to be here nonetheless and I look forward to regaling y'all about dating adventures and life in general. This part of the forum is much my speed now and y'all are a great crowd.


No one is coming to save you!

Re: Goin' Solo! [Re: Maika] #2846494
04/23/19 04:59 PM
04/23/19 04:59 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,768
Canada
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AndrewP Offline
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AndrewP  Offline
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I never really followed along your thread but out of curiosity did browse a bit over lunch. It does on the surface appear that your STBX started dating only after bomb-day as opposed to before. The reality - doesn't matter a lot.

With that said, two of the women I've dated including the one I am getting fairly serious with are not divorced. They both live independent lives and are not sharing the marital home. It's a tricky thing. I know that I had a serious talk with B and made it clear that I would not keep dating her if she had any hopes of reconciliation.

Does that make me OM? Ethically grey. Since they've been separated for almost two years, more light grey than dark.

Would I ever want to meet / interact with either of her past partners? No. Not interested. The kids are all grown on both sides. With my ex's guy who was the OM, I really have no interest in meeting him, but like Dawn, it may well happen at a wedding if S24 ever manages to get a date. I fully expect that everyone will know that we should be kept well apart.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Goin' Solo! [Re: Maika] #2846503
04/23/19 05:12 PM
04/23/19 05:12 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,046
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kml Offline
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"Open relationships"? Not so much. To me, they almost always involve one person who wants to be unfaithful and another who is so desperate to keep that person that they're willing to go along even though it's not what they want.

Now that's different from being "friends with benefits" or just dating around.

I once dated a guy who was very up front with me about the fact that he didn't "do" relationships. (He was a Love Avoidant - look it up). I always respected the fact that he told me up front and therefore I never expected more from him than he was willing to offer. We always had a lovely time when I would visit him. We had a lot in common intellectually and the (safe) sex was great. But I also understood that he saw other women and he wasn't ever going to be my "boyfriend" in a traditional sense. That was fine with me at the time as I was between boyfriends, and once I started dating a new boyfriend we just became friends (without benefits). Several years later when that relationship was over I dated my Love Avoidant friend again for a while - he was glad to see me and I was glad to have a no-pressure healing place.

I'm in another relationship now but frankly, if this one ends (or if he dies- he has stage 3 lung cancer) I could see myself becoming more like my Love Avoidant friend. I enjoy the company of men but at this stage in my life I don't really need to live with someone.

Re: Goin' Solo! [Re: Maika] #2846596
04/24/19 11:15 AM
04/24/19 11:15 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,736
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JujuB Offline
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JujuB  Offline
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I didnít take the comments people wrote as criticizing you for meeting up with new boyfriend. More of making a statement about how that would not work for them personally.

I didnít wait till after I received my divorce papers to date. My ex had physically left in 2015. The marriage was over. Even after things were filed it took a very long time to actually have the judge sign them.

In hindsight, I didnít follow red flags or know my worth because I dated too soon after trauma, gaslighting, rejection etc. I used it more as an ego boost I think and I was proving what a great and loyal partner I was to people that didnít deserve me as a great and loyal partner. I took my ex husbands stated reasons to heart (that I was negative and verbally abusive and I only bought him gift certificates to a car wash for Fatherís Day) and tried to be perfect and accepting and non critical and generous. But husbands actions deserved questioning!!!!! And so did the new guy I dated.

My values in seeking someone were also skewed. In my mind, guys that were left behind were the good guys and I didnít look at stuff I would never have accepted in other phases of my life.

Iím always curious about the people that go for our exes. Seriously. Wouldnít they do a bit more background work? Like do they just take the whole ď my wife and I are both good people. We just made each other miserableĒ without questioning the luxury car and minimal visits with son? Or ďwhy did she end a relationship with young kids and a spouse that wasnít cheating or abusive?Ē. They donít seem to look into that. Like her new bf. He met you. Sees that your a god guy. But doesnít question, hey why did she end that with a good guy. Whatís the bigger pic.? He seems ok with the kids, but maybe not very secure or bright? A bit desperate?

Maybe people donít value family anymore.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Goin' Solo! [Re: Maika] #2846656
04/24/19 05:14 PM
04/24/19 05:14 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,792
M
Maika Offline OP
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Maika  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,792
Andrew
How come both women are not divorced? I am really curious why that would be a path they would follow. It makes total sense for you to have a conversation with them if a recon is on the cards. Why would you waste time with someone who is ambivalent. It wouldn't be worth it.

kml
There is definitely that dynamic that you've described in some open relationships. But I am also seeing examples where couples are able to execute that type of arrangement - it doesn't mean that it's easy or without pitfalls, but monogamy isn't any insurance against divorce or breakups either. I have no idea whether this kinda arrangement would work for me, but I am definitely interested in exploring what this would look like. I have no desire to get remarried either.

Juju
Our ex's actions definitely deserve questioning. We spend so much time as LBS's blaming ourselves entirely that it takes time to remember that our ex's were party to the deterioration of the marriage as well. I am also definitely curious about the guy who is dating my exW. What was his process of vetting her as a potential partner? What is he looking for? I would definitely have those questions and many more on my mind if I was in his position. Also, I have to remind myself that he got a version of the story from her, and not me. My exW told me that she was unhappy throughout our entire marriage and so much revisionist history - I do clearly remember many many good years together. You would think that meeting me would give him some red flags about exW or even at least question the stories he's been told. His background is interesting and so I am not sure if he's looking to find someone to fill a void. I don't know if both of them are looking to fill that void and if they're desperate. Lots of questions to which I have no answers but I am not going to spend time trying to dissect their R and how they're doing things. I just know that I would've been way more curious and taken things much slower.

I can tell that exW hasn't done the emotional work that she needs to do. From her bf's past marriage, he definitely has a need to do the same. I have no idea if he's done that. But, if he's okay being with exW with her baggage, I get a sense that he hasn't done the internal work himself. It's just not good to see two people who have unaddressed emotional baggage get together. That $hit will catch up to them no doubt and the breakup will be spectacular and painful.

You can't paper over the past with something new and shiny. The shine will come off in a year or two and then what? Well, that's for them to figure out. I can only move forward with me and what works for me.


No one is coming to save you!

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