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Props on that schedule. That has to be tough.

The request to move out will undoubtedly bring terror to the situation. You will get blamed for all of her ills and you will be the "reason" she's moving out. My W was having a full blown affair, coming home at all hours of the night. After several weeks I decided to move out. Guess who got the blame for breaking up a family?

In addition to blame, be ready for that tiny violin regarding children, finances, etc...

They do not like dealing with the consequences of their decisions.

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Hello Label

I am glad you have a fair and even schedule. It is good for you, her, and the kids. It also sets the history of what has been going on, in case more legal arrangements need to be made in the future.

Oh my goodness. Taxes. MLCers are like teens. My XW just had a shoebox of receipts, and forms. No organization, no structure, she just took it to an accountant. By the way, her job(s) is mowing grass, shovelling snow, and cleaning houses for various people around town. I doubt she earns enough to break the threshold to even have to pay income tax.

Before this, she ran a daycare. After BD, she got hired at the hospital. Her reputation of 24 years being a stand up Mom and daycare provider most definitely preceded her. Regular hours, good wage, and benefits. She quit. Told them she wanted to be able to take a day off when she felt like it. (She may have been fired, not exactly sure which party terminated employment).

As for nudging W along to move out. This is where this forum can shine. Do exactly what you just did. Bring it here first and let others give input before you make a decision or act on it.

As a general rule, do not do anything to try to manipulate her or her journey. There are many good reasons for this. Manipulating keeps you attached and stuck. Another is whatever outcome happens - if it is bad, do you want that on your hands? Leaving her to her path is best - for her and YOU.

Your idea of nudging her to move out and split finances is stated as you feel it is contributing to her la la land. For a rational person - yes. For her - no. This is counterintuitive.

She is in la la land because she is driven to be there. She is after her fantasy. She doesn’t know what it is, but she keeps running towards it. She will expend incredible energies to maintain her fantasy. DO NOT get in her way. That is a sure fire way to get a heap of justifications thrown at you.

She will use that against you. Blame you. Bait you into further conflict, furthering her justification of her new life away from you. Remember, she needs space and time to see her pain comes from within, not from you. Moved out or not, she will be in la la land.

Focus on you.

Label, do you want to move out? Do you want to find a new place for yourself?

I am not looking for a definitive answer. Look within yourself and ask what do I want? Then wait for a bit, and keep moving forward. I guarantee your answers will look differently later on when you are further down your path.

I can see and understand your frustration. Just breathe, you have time.

Originally Posted by Label
This will sound like I'm in denial, but it just doesn't feel over. I want her back, but then I think maybe I'm chasing a mirage that isn't there.

Label, I will give open, honest, compassionate advice every time as best as I can.

You have some work to do, and I am willing to help.

I want her back. Get to where you want her to want you. Loosen your grip on her. Any pressure and she will bolt.

Doesn’t feel over. So very true. Feelings are real and fleeting. They are irrational, that is not insane, or bad, it just means not based on logic and reason. They are feelings. And as such, hard to see with. Your relationship is over, your feeling are just not aware of it. The relationship may someday be rebuilt, if you give space and time, and do the inner work. No matter what happens, you will alright and be a better person for all the work.

Denial is a tough thing for one to see. Being truly in denial is when your mind is hiding the truth from you to protect your emotional state from damage. It is healthy and required. Being accurate in thought, feelings, and the describing of such will illuminate and help one move from denial and through the stages of grief.

Please consider being patient with your desire to have her move out. Give it more time. Let her come to that conclusion on her own, if that is her path.

How did you plan on nudging her?

Are you ok with the current nesting arrangement?

Anything you do, ensure you are doing it for you. What do you think and feel about you moving back into the house full time?

Let’s not worry about where she is at, or if she is stuck. Let’s ensure you get to where you should to be at, and you don’t get stuck. She can figure out her own path.

Label, you are the most important person in all this. Focus on you and heal.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Nudge was probably the wrong word. Enable her move out is probably something closer to what I mean. See she wants to move out but just can’t do it - either it’s the rental market is just bad or she doesn’t want to buy a house because she wants all of us to relocate to this new city, summer kid plans with nanny are complicated , etc.

You make a really good point. If I do anything to bring her to her new life it will have strings attached to me, and thus I will to be to blame if the future doesn’t work out.

So am I to let her take the lead and make the first move? She’s waiting for me to take control because that is what she’s relied on me forever to do. I can do that but want to be very cautious here.

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In regards to denial - I get it. This one is over. It took months to get there but I am there.

I really just want to move on and get off the crazy train. I can’t fix this and it’s becoming toxic being in it.

Kids told me out of the blue tonight that “mom cries a lot.” Ugh

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In my sitch , W was going to absolutely pull the wool and screw me financially. I got suspicious, went on the offensive and moved out first. When moving, I found some paperwork that confirmed she was planning on putting the screws to me. Point is, nothing should surprise you. A monster has filled the shoes of the one you've known all along.

Since out, I've been able to successfully detach. You are correct, if you get sucked in/have sympathy, you will go down in flames along with her, and she'd be happy to bring you there. The MLC frame of mind brings relentless stamina on her part. She will crush you. It's best if one of you reach a decision......it'll likely be you.

Taking the lead with anything in regards to her......you will be labeled a control freak and push her away. Do for yourself only.

With regards to her crying, it will happen frequently. If it still hits you emotionally, you are not detached.

One thing that helped me was a book called the 48 Laws of Power. There are YouTube snippets of each law. Some are sadistic, but the general theme can help you in this as well as business and personal relationships.

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I'm not making excuses for any of the crisis people, but sometimes, they scream that they want a divorce or are going to move out as a way to get you, the lbs, to back off. For example, when my xh was threatening to move out, I listened for a bit and one day, I had had enough of that mess. So, I called his bluff and told him that I thought it would be a good idea that he moved out...what did he do? He sat up on the couch and cried his tears. He said he was so confused and didn't know what to do. It took him another week or two before he disappeared while I was at work.

They truly do not know what they want. They are seeking relief from the misery deep within their souls. We don't see it, but they are in a lot of pain. Pain, that we would never want to experience. Yes, they can become vindictive along the way and the anger will build. That is when you need to step outside the ring and allow them to fight with themselves. If she says something, say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away, do not engage in a fight. They want and need justification for what they are doing. If they don't get the justification, it just might make them think a little bit.

Hang in there.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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In one of our therapy sessions months ago I did ask about the running (mistake!). I got rage and fury like I’ve never seen “you’re the only one who doesn’t think I’m a runner, I’ve been a runner my whole life, I was recruited in high school to run the 2 mile!!”

I chuckled, I couldn’t help it. The therapist smirked.

It is hard to fathom someone going back mentally 20 years. How is that possible. It’s also somewhat fascinating.

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Hello Label

It is fascinating, when we can step back and look at it, isn’t it?

We’ve all had something similar. How many times have you replayed bomb drop in your head? A pretty significant and traumatic event in your life. We replay it, over and over, turning it around and around, until we come to terms with it, and finally accept what it is. Realize our part, and more importantly, realize what parts are not ours.

This is where a MLCer is at. Having a deep trauma from their past looming in front of them. They can’t face it, but it is there nonetheless. Their minds and emotions are forced back, unable not to relive that event(s). Unable to handle the pain, they run!

The LBS does grows from this, from our event, and any past event(s) this stirs up. Some do enter MLC themselves, BD is a big trigger, and depending on what is hidden and unknown within them, and how well their coping skills are, will affect their path. Most, however, transition relatively well; becoming better people.

The MLCer’s damage is such that a full blown crisis happens; and all h@ll break loose in their lives. Their poor minds are trapped in a past they do not want to visit.

If one can accept and understand this; one can chose and walk a compassionate and forgiving path.

DnJ

Last edited by job; 04/21/19 09:35 PM. Reason: edited a word

Feelings are fleeting.
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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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DnJ you have written so well on this issue.
From all the forum posts from other members, you seem to have captured the essence of what I think is going on with my wife as well. I love reading your posts on other members threads.
Hamburg, great writing as well.

Noticing that many of you are freshly out of D yourselves. Mine is wrapping up.
Wondering if we have anyone's perspecive on what follows 1-2 or 5 years into it.

Anyone "live to tell" what is was like afterwards.
Did the MLC wife enter nervous collapse and realize what happened. Do they ever grow, heal, see the light so to say.

Lately as I go to bed each night that is what occupies my mind. My wife and child are moving out this week. I will see them only on predetermined dates. MLC, rage, blaming me (clone of your wives story basically).
What follows in their new life?

Wonder if we have any older threads, would love to read any info.


B.D in December 2018
Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019
Divorced May 2019
H (me) 49
W (her) 29
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I am probably the longest running poster here. I had the BD in 1999 and he divorced me in 2002. My xh was one angry man for about 6 years. During that time he married his affair partner who was a year younger than me and could have passed as his mother's sister. He was in full replay until his affair partner/wife passed away in 2013. When my BIL was killed, my xh came out of the woodwork and called me and then right after the funeral was asking for things out of the house...now mind you, we were divorced 3 years prior to my BIL's death. His affair partner/wife passed away on the same day as our wedding anniversary. Again, very nice and appeared to be getting himself together. He is now living w/another ow in CO. He has aged considerably and has begun to lose some of the weight that he packed on from years of partying and boozing.

He reconnected w/his family for a very short period of time in 2013 and now has basically ghosted all but his only brother. He's wiped the slate clean of everyone and is living in another fantasy world where people in CO do not know him or his past.

I stated many years ago that he would not recover from this because this man will never admit that he's done anything wrong. Rip Van Winkle continues to sleep in his safe little cocoon. Some never recover and become angry old men or old men/teenagers that others shake their heads at. Such a shame.

As for me, I moved forward, several promotions, paid my house and car off and I am now debt free. It was a relief when the divorce was finalized and the huge weight that I was carrying, i.e., wondering at any time what he would try to do next, etc. I have since retired and am enjoying my life. The experience was an open wound until the divorce was finalized, the scar is healed nicely and yes, I forgave him for his behavior and lack of sanity.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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