Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4
#2846128 04/19/19 09:27 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
L
Label Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
L
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
I am 40YO and my wife is 39YO. We met after High School. Married now for 10 years. Kids: B (6), G (4), Dog (10). We both have great jobs/careers, beautiful family, dog, terrific kids, lots of friends, both of our parents get along so well we celebrate all holidays together (both sides). Our friends all look up to us as the model couple "you're the only couple we know where we both like both spouses." Our marriage wasn't perfect, and I was not ideal - kids, work, home...stresses of life and we took each other for granted and spent all of our emotional energy on our young children. When our second was born, my wife was diagnosed with postpartum depression. That was two years of absolute hell. I went into "service" mode and worked to keep the family and household afloat.

Bomb dropped May 2018. I went on a trip for a weekend, everything was seemingly fine when I left. I came home after four days to the coldest shoulder I've ever experienced in my life. She was a different person. She said she needed space while we figure this out. I asked if there was anyone else, and if she wanted to go to therapy - she said no one else, and yes to therapy. Everyone was shocked, including her friends and family, she had not shared anything with them up to this point.

-Jun - couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, total despair. I dropped 25lbs and tried to focus on work and kids and just getting through. By July I had my feet under me again. Nested the kids at home while we lived elsewhere (friends, family). That continues to be our arrangement 10 months later.
-Jul/Aug - instead of therapy, we went to 'discernment counseling' (google it). We never talked about marital issues. After four sessions she called an end to our marriage. I was shocked. Waiting for divorce papers.
-Sep-Dec - massive anger and rage at anything I do. I took it like a punching bag, and didn't fire anything back.
-Nov/Jan - asks to go to therapy, I say OK. We go, and instead of talking about marital issues, we talk about issues created by the separation (schedule, how to handle holidays, etc). After the holidays she calls an end to the marriage, again. We go skiing together as a family the next day.
-Feb - asks if we can go to mediation because lawyers "don't seem like us." Then asks me to find mediators. I send her a couple, no response.
-Mar - nothing
-Apr - TBD

Friends and family think I'm 1) a saint for hanging in there 2) insane for hanging in there - "your spouse needs to [censored] or get off the pot." I just felt that the last thing she needed from me at this time was a heavy hand.

- She started running daily - was never a runner.
- She has huge mother issues from childhood, so much so she's been in therapy for 20 years to deal with it. She basically hated her mother (and sister), and now the three are best friends
- She has been seeing multiple therapists weekly for 10 months - the old therapist, a new therapist, psychic, hypnotherapist, etc
- Says she lost herself and doesn't know who she is anymore
- Says she still loves me (ie., ILWYBNILWY)
- Says we were never a good match
- Says she doesn't want a divorce but has to do this to find her happiness
- Says she wishes her parents got divorce when she was younger. Thinks my parents should divorce, everyone should divorce
- Says she is barely holding on and doesn't have enough strength for a relationship
- Says she wants a fresh start, wants to be on her own
- Says she needs to find her purpose
- Says she wants to write a book (never a writer)
- Says she doesn't want house or dog
- Says she wants to move to a new city
- Even the smallest thing overwhelms her
- Works a ton 50-70 hours a week. Likes her job but wants to get a new one

I love with my wife, I made a commitment to her and we are very compatible. I feel badly that she is in so much pain and in such a confusing time of her life, and it's frustrating that I can't help her now because I am the enemy. I do struggle with us still not having a conversation 10 months later about what brought us here. During this time I plowed myself into self discovery (daily reading, therapy, this forum (thank you), and enjoying life again. I feel like I knocked ten years of rust off, and started growing again. This will sound like I'm in denial, but it just doesn't feel over. I want her back, but then I think maybe I'm chasing a mirage that isn't there.

I'm not sure I have any questions for you all, but I would like your perspective and wanted to share my story.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 130
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 130
Originally Posted by Label
I am 40YO and my wife is 39YO. We met after High School. Married now for 10 years. Kids: B (6), G (4), Dog (10). We both have great jobs/careers, beautiful family, dog, terrific kids, lots of friends, both of our parents get along so well we celebrate all holidays together (both sides). Our friends all look up to us as the model couple "you're the only couple we know where we both like both spouses." Our marriage wasn't perfect, and I was not ideal - kids, work, home...stresses of life and we took each other for granted and spent all of our emotional energy on our young children. When our second was born, my wife was diagnosed with postpartum depression. That was two years of absolute hell. I went into "service" mode and worked to keep the family and household afloat.

Bomb dropped May 2018. I went on a trip for a weekend, everything was seemingly fine when I left. I came home after four days to the coldest shoulder I've ever experienced in my life. She was a different person. She said she needed space while we figure this out. I asked if there was anyone else, and if she wanted to go to therapy - she said no one else, and yes to therapy. Everyone was shocked, including her friends and family, she had not shared anything with them up to this point.

-Jun - couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, total despair. I dropped 25lbs and tried to focus on work and kids and just getting through. By July I had my feet under me again. Nested the kids at home while we lived elsewhere (friends, family). That continues to be our arrangement 10 months later.
-Jul/Aug - instead of therapy, we went to 'discernment counseling' (google it). We never talked about marital issues. After four sessions she called an end to our marriage. I was shocked. Waiting for divorce papers.
-Sep-Dec - massive anger and rage at anything I do. I took it like a punching bag, and didn't fire anything back.
-Nov/Jan - asks to go to therapy, I say OK. We go, and instead of talking about marital issues, we talk about issues created by the separation (schedule, how to handle holidays, etc). After the holidays she calls an end to the marriage, again. We go skiing together as a family the next day.
-Feb - asks if we can go to mediation because lawyers "don't seem like us." Then asks me to find mediators. I send her a couple, no response.
-Mar - nothing
-Apr - TBD

Friends and family think I'm 1) a saint for hanging in there 2) insane for hanging in there - "your spouse needs to [censored] or get off the pot." I just felt that the last thing she needed from me at this time was a heavy hand.

- She started running daily - was never a runner.
- She has huge mother issues from childhood, so much so she's been in therapy for 20 years to deal with it. She basically hated her mother (and sister), and now the three are best friends
- She has been seeing multiple therapists weekly for 10 months - the old therapist, a new therapist, psychic, hypnotherapist, etc
- Says she lost herself and doesn't know who she is anymore
- Says she still loves me (ie., ILWYBNILWY)
- Says we were never a good match
- Says she doesn't want a divorce but has to do this to find her happiness
- Says she wishes her parents got divorce when she was younger. Thinks my parents should divorce, everyone should divorce
- Says she is barely holding on and doesn't have enough strength for a relationship
- Says she wants a fresh start, wants to be on her own
- Says she needs to find her purpose
- Says she wants to write a book (never a writer)
- Says she doesn't want house or dog
- Says she wants to move to a new city
- Even the smallest thing overwhelms her
- Works a ton 50-70 hours a week. Likes her job but wants to get a new one

I love with my wife, I made a commitment to her and we are very compatible. I feel badly that she is in so much pain and in such a confusing time of her life, and it's frustrating that I can't help her now because I am the enemy. I do struggle with us still not having a conversation 10 months later about what brought us here. During this time I plowed myself into self discovery (daily reading, therapy, this forum (thank you), and enjoying life again. I feel like I knocked ten years of rust off, and started growing again. This will sound like I'm in denial, but it just doesn't feel over. I want her back, but then I think maybe I'm chasing a mirage that isn't there.

I'm not sure I have any questions for you all, but I would like your perspective and wanted to share my story.



this is typical script that all of us LBS get to hear. My w said the same thing ILYBNILWY, we were never good match, she lost herself and doesnt know who she is, needs to find her purpose ETC. I heard those exact things. IT really is amazing how all of our WAS say the exact same thing. Whether they are WAS,MLC, etc

You will hear from all the vets here soon and they truly are a godsend. Stop any pursuing. Do not bring up Divorce if it isn't what you want.

I am sorry you here but the people around here will help a lot.

Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello Label

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Thank you for sharing your story.

You will receive much hard earned wisdom from the kind and compassionate people here. It will look quite counterintuitive, and go against your instincts of what you feel you should do. This is a safe place. Feel free to ask questions, vent, and update. Post often, it really does help.

Your W’s confusion is very evident, the outward display of a hidden internal battle she cannot understand nor control. She is at the will of her emotions, trying anything and everything she feels like to rid the confusion and pain.

From your title it would appear you feel she is within the grasp of a mid-life crisis. Your retelling of the situation does indeed look like MLC. She was troubled from a trigger 18-24 months pre BD. The birth of D4 could be a trigger or one of a few triggers. However the birth of S6 two years earlier did not set her off, or not that you noticed. Her lead up could have been for longer than you realize or the real trigger, like the actual cause, is unknown - even to her.

A MLCer suffers a damage from childhood. A trauma from a person of authority from thier youth, usually childhood, when they were young and had less developed coping skills. This stunts thier emotional growth. Later in life, around midlife when mortality, and adult pressures build, this trauma(s) surfaces like it most likely has before during other periods of life transitions. However, this time she cannot bury it again. It refuses to release its grip.

Of course she has no idea what is happening, and slowly her emotions take over, consuming her. An unrelenting pain and emotional turmoil stirs within her, and she will blame someone. She projects this upon you, and she incorrectly assigns you as the cause of all this. You have seen and felt her rage. You have seen her displays of a completely different person. It is like an alien has taken over her body.

This is a person in crisis. They are beyound your ability to help. You did not break her, therefore you cannot fix her. She needs time and space to sort out her mind and emotions. This takes a while, a long while. Realize she will take what she needs, do whatever she needs to do. She is driven to do it.

Give her space and time. Focus on you and your children.

Label, your frustration from being unable to help her, the unwillingness on her part to talk about this - all expected and quite normal in this situation.

A few questions if you don’t mind.

What is the current living situation? It sounds like you are living seperate? What is the custody arrangement?

Have you talked to a lawyer? If not, do it now. This is for information only, you need not use anything yet.

I understand you are frustrated that you two haven’t talked about what brought you to this point. She isn’t going to have that conversation. She can’t because she does not understand what she is feeling, she can’t handle what she is feeling, and she can’t handle anyone else’s feelings. Do not have any relationship talk. Really, do not have any.

She has made a statement to leave you. Give her time and space. It helps you heal, and is your best chance at a future with her.

She needs to sort out herself. She will probably pull away more. Look after your children, a lot of MLCers become terrible parents. Focus on you and your children. With enough time, she might realize that she is still angry but you are not in the picture so you cannot be the cause. Then she just might look inward to the real cause and start to do the inner work she needs to do. That in a nutshell is your best chance.

During this time you work on you, something I see you have already started. This will not a waste no matter what the outcome is.

This is a marathon not a sprint. You have the gift of time, use it well.

Keep the focus on you and your children.

You will be fine.

I look forward to speaking with you again.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
L
Label Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
L
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
Thanks for the reply and kind words.

------

Living situation - kids nested at home while we stay at friends/family on our days away.

Lawyer - I have spoken to one just as a consult. I got all of my questions answered, and felt relief/confidence walking out.

-------

24 months prior to BD there was a financial crisis in her family. She grew up wealthy, her dad was a doctor and her mom was a stay at home mom. Nice home, nice cabin, nice beach home. Financial needs always met. Mom wore the pants, dad made the bacon. Problem is mom never knew or wanted to know about finances and just spent, and dad was hiding (in plain sight) they were living paycheck to paycheck and had no equity anywhere. He retired and the shell game collapsed. He revealed to mom that they had nothing and crisis ensued.

Wife resented mom for not being accountable, resented dad for not being accountable, and sister for 'taking, taking, taking' all these years as an adult. They reset their lifestyle and found solid ground, but it's a drastically different lifestyle.

I always shared finances, wanted her to be involved and accountable. We are/were doing fine and building a nice nest egg. Wife shared with my mom prior to BD "we never fight about finances."

I'm not sure if this has anything to do with this situation, but it was definitely traumatic for her and I believe she lost some of her identify because of it.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Sounds like that may have been a trigger for her. The dynamics in her family may have stunted her emotionally as a child. Has she ever stated how her childhood was? The trauma to her which would have stunted her emotionally had to have happened as a child/teenager. Did the parents favor the other sister more than your wife? Where the parents emotionally absent from the children?

MLC isn't easy for anyone. Your wife has to find herself and grow up. You will need to find a way to give her the time and space she needs. Yes, she will try your patience, but dig deeper for patience. If you aren't sure what to do about something, do nothing. Sit quietly and the answers will come. If you have questions, come here and we will help you.

Keep a close eye on your finances, bank accounts and credit cards. If she is in MLC, she will eventually begin spending like water to self medicate herself. Depression is the main ingredient of MLC. Do not try to tell her that she is depressed...she will deny it. Learn to just listen and if she wants a response from you, she will ask you. Be a friend.

Keep the focus on you and your children. They need you now more than ever.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
L
Label Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
L
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
She had a terrible childhood. Both parents emotionally absent, and mom physically neglected her. Yes, they favored the prom queen/athlete sister. She was the rich kid, but alone. She's been in therapy since high school because of it. She loved my family because we were "normal."

Her and her mom had this ring made for her in high school shortly after we met. She wore it for about a year and hasn't for the last twenty years because she hated it. She wanted to melt it but never got around to it.

Guess what, the ring (after a 20 year absence) is back on.

Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 255
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 255
Hello Label,

Unfortunately, this is the mantra most of us have heard throughout this process. One important thing to do is figure out what YOU want. She is on a path to self discovery and anyone who gets in its way will be mowed down into oblivion. You have been her must trusted person for quite some time. You will have to quickly adapt to being the blame for all of this and there is no way out. There is no logic or reason, just pure emotion. Avoid emotional talks, the hangover can last for days and any argument will further convince her what she's doing is right. As others have said, giving space, time and being there for the kids will help everyone involved, regardless of the outcome.

Hang in there.

Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Good Morning Label

A terrible childhood with emotional absent parents. A recipe for a future disaster.

The MLCer does go back to the time they were emotional stunted. They have to grow up from there.

They will dress, speak, remember, all manner of things - from back then. It is like it was yesterday for them. Your W putting her ring back on for example.

Thank for explaining your current living arrangements. I admit I didn’t get the nesting reference the first time. Are you 50/50? Week on / week off? Or more day by day?

Unfortunately this mess has a large financial component to it. Keep a close eye on your accounts, and ensure you and your kids are financially protected. Some have not and paid dearly. As long as things are going smooth, let it be. Just have a plan ready in case. The excessive spending usually does happen.

Any plans for Easter? Egg hunt, supper?

Stay strong.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
L
Label Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
L
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
We are on a 2-3-3-2 schedule and it’s worked fairly well with the occasional blowup from her.

I’m going to nudge her along to move out and split finances. She’s talked about it for months and I feel this is contributing to her la la land. She has said getting her own place will “sting financially for a while.” I’m like “yeah, forever.”

I’ve continued to play the husband role through this. Ex,. I asked her for her W2 to do the taxes and she had to request another copy cause she “threw it away.” I’ve emotionally detached. I think it’s time to for me to detach from adult duties.

Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard