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A Message from Michele
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Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2845935
04/18/19 10:03 AM
04/18/19 10:03 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,196
L
LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,196
JR,

Every person here has heard it in one form or another. Mine was " I can't help it that my feelings changed".

The quickest way back to her is to go in the opposite direction. Start to build an awesome life for you and the kids and maybe some day she will want to join you.

Time and space are the only thing that turns these situations around long term.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: LH19] #2845952
04/18/19 02:26 PM
04/18/19 02:26 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
J
JimmyRig Offline OP
Member
JimmyRig  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
And did they come back?

Thanks


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2845954
04/18/19 02:39 PM
04/18/19 02:39 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,196
L
LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,196
We don’t have the data because most move on and don’t update us. From the research I have done it typically takes the WAS two years to realize they made a mistake. At that point the LBS has moved on and is no longer interested in recon.

Of course there are outliers.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2845967
04/18/19 04:07 PM
04/18/19 04:07 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
J
JimmyRig Offline OP
Member
JimmyRig  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
So do I file and show her I mean business or let it lay and let all matters stay in her hands and timeline?
I don't want a divorce. I want to keep the family together.


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2845970
04/18/19 04:37 PM
04/18/19 04:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 773
I
IHCLACS Offline
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IHCLACS  Offline
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I
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 773
I tried to initiate D last week. Don't do it unless you are absolutely 100% sure from a place of strength and non emotion and not fear and emotion that you are 100% done with this person in your life. Trust issues and all. Otherwise it will backfire. Get your papers ready for that day. They may change their minds or feelings again. You are dealing with a deluded thinking emotional creature. Do you understand what detachment and boundaries does? It shows you are willing to walk away from this non sense. These power plays. It gives you value and self respect, it protects you, and your family. They may not care, or they may eventually care and snap out of it. Its a matter of self respect, value, battle of wills, what is right to you and for you. You cannot convince them, so let them go, and let them walk. There are no tricks or shortcuts.

Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2845975
04/18/19 04:51 PM
04/18/19 04:51 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,196
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
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L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,196
JR,

You answered your own question. You will not get the response you’re looking for. The person who cares the least about the relationship is the one in control. She’s in control right now but that will change if you choose for it to happen.

In all likelihood your W is having an affair. Is that a dealbreaker for you?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2845985
04/18/19 05:36 PM
04/18/19 05:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,469
A
AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,469
Originally Posted by JimmyRig
So do I file and show her I mean business or let it lay and let all matters stay in her hands and timeline?
I don't want a divorce. I want to keep the family together.


IH and LH said it. You don't file to "get a reaction" out of her, because she wants D anyway so all you are doing is giving her exactly what she wants. Plus you are doing the work for her so that's a bonus. AND the cherry on the cake is she gets to tell everyone "well I wasn't sure what I wanted but HE was the one that pushed the divorce through so I had no say in the matter." So she gets to blame you too! It's a win-win for her!

If you don't want a D then do NOTHING. Don't talk to her about it, don't send her texts/ emails/ article links, just pull back and give her time and space. Often when the LBS removes all pressure then the WAS no longer feels the need to push for D.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2846012
04/19/19 01:28 AM
04/19/19 01:28 AM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
J
JimmyRig Offline OP
Member
JimmyRig  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
Thanks all

LH19, what do you mean if I choose it to happen?

I will stand down and continue DB'ing.

Jimmy


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2846015
04/19/19 01:53 AM
04/19/19 01:53 AM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
J
JimmyRig Offline OP
Member
JimmyRig  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
If i'm invited to her parents for Easter dinner should I go?
I have to go there to drop the boys off from a easter egg hunt thing.

Thanks


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2846017
04/19/19 01:57 AM
04/19/19 01:57 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,822
Colorado
R
Ready2Change Online
Member
Ready2Change  Online
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,822
Colorado
Originally Posted by JimmyRig
I don't want a divorce. I want to keep the family together.
99.9% of the poster have said the same thing.

The reality is that if your spouse wants the D, it is out of your control and your family will change.


You do have control on how your interact with your spouse. How you behave when you are around your spouse. How much you interact with your spouse.

Dbing is about controlling these things. Work on being attractive. Work on showing your spouse a "better" you. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN OVER NIGHT.

One small, positive, permanent change a day adds up to a great you over time. Your spouse will notice.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
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