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A Message from Michele
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Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2844241
04/02/19 04:17 PM
04/02/19 04:17 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,013
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Have you thought about asking her to move out?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2844243
04/02/19 04:58 PM
04/02/19 04:58 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
J
JimmyRig Offline OP
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JimmyRig  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
I have and she said she wouldn't leave the boys. Even though her parents live just down the road. And she won't.


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2844244
04/02/19 05:03 PM
04/02/19 05:03 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,495
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline
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Ready2Change  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,495
Colorado
Originally Posted by Choppy
Thoughts? DB squashed bc I broke trust or did I finally get to the bottom of why it is just a plain no go from her working on the marriage?


Remember this: She has broken YOUR trust. Not the other way around.





"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2844246
04/02/19 05:11 PM
04/02/19 05:11 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,495
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline
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Ready2Change  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,495
Colorado


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2844248
04/02/19 05:22 PM
04/02/19 05:22 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,753
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Steve85 Offline
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,753
Thoughts in a minute. First followup questons:

"DB squashed bc I broke trust or did I finally get to the bottom of why it is just a plain no go from her working on the marriage?"

What trust was squashed? If you are suggesting you squashed trust by snooping, stop that. What's worse, carrying on an inappropriate relationship with someone else, or snooping on a spouse's phone?

Maybe you did get to the bottom, maybe you didn't. This is why snooping is generally frowned upon because it leads to more questions than answers.

That leads into my thoughts:

The problem with snooping, and especially getting caught snooping, is all you did was to train her to take her inappropriate messages deeper underground. To take be more stealthy about what she does and who she does it with. I remember our first MC session last year, I mentioned to the C that full transparency was important to me. She was opposed, especially at that point in our sitch. And then she said something that has stuck with me: "The truth always has a way of presenting itself. If she is doing something inappropriate it will eventually come to light."

My W was sitting right next to me when the MC said that.

Snooping hurts you more than it hurts her. WWs will always have a 100 explanations and rationalizations. You could find them in bed with 3 other guys, and they would either rationalize or explain it away. Plus they can play on your desire to believe them to gaslight you. "He didn't say that!" "Are you sure that was the right day and time for that message?" "I think he was talking about something that happened at the office, not you."

Snooping rarely gets you anywhere. True, some will advocate for it early on in the name of "recon", but Choppy your experience is a perfect example. Your instincts for this are a better indicator than your "recon" in this instance.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2844270
04/02/19 07:58 PM
04/02/19 07:58 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,296
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AnotherStander Offline
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Yes what Steve said. Snooping just exposes a bunch of confusing messages that you don't know how to interpret. Is it an affair? Or just two friends talking, or even coworkers talking? Who knows. And now that you told her you checked her phone you can bet she'll have that thing glued to her side now and will be even more diligent about covering her tracks. So in summary, you know nothing at all new and now she trusts you even less. Lose-lose. Don't snoop anymore.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: AnotherStander] #2845692
04/15/19 11:19 PM
04/15/19 11:19 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
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JimmyRig Offline OP
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JimmyRig  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
So should I just straight up ask to see her phone? Or should I submit a Open Records request bc its a government phone?


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2845694
04/16/19 12:00 AM
04/16/19 12:00 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,013
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LH19 Offline
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C,

I think you need to play through the scenarios.

You ask her to see her phone and she says no. Then what?

You get her phone records and she has 1000 texts to an unknown number. Then what?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2845717
04/16/19 01:18 PM
04/16/19 01:18 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,296
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AnotherStander Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,296
Originally Posted by JimmyRig
So should I just straight up ask to see her phone? Or should I submit a Open Records request bc its a government phone?


From what I know about the Signal app, it leaves no footprints. If you ask to see her phone you will see nothing unless there's an unread message or two that came in since she last logged on. If you request records you will find nothing at all. Jimmy if you are dying to know if she's having an A then hire a PI. It sounds like she's already pretty deep undercover, you're unlikely to find anything out through snooping.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: AnotherStander] #2845728
04/16/19 02:21 PM
04/16/19 02:21 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
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JimmyRig Offline OP
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JimmyRig  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
Right now she is at her parents house down the road with the boys bc she developed a lung infection and has a chest tube to a draining box to measure the outflow. She need to be in a recliner and have special food for a bit.

I could also OPRA the gps in her work vehicle. Our truck which she drives around town sticks out like a sore thumb so taking that anywhere near his house would be a bad / weird idea.

She is out of work for another week or two and plays Words with friends with me non-stop yet Friday night at her moms house watching movies with the boys she texts me b4 coming over to not sit next to her or think we are a couple bc this is unfixable.

I think she did something and is trying to make me out to be the bad guy or frustrate me enough to proceed and start paperwork which I will not do. She also mentioned that when she heals she would like to move back into our house but only if i'm gone or we split the week where she would go to her parents house which is close and I would go to my parents which is a half an hour further away from work and friends.

Aggravated and trying to stay strong.


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
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