Its nearly 0420... I've been awake well over 90 minutes already today. Woke up... my mind went to "run" almost right away. Lots of thoughts about her. Where I messed up. How I want to make this right. A few thoughts about the last work out (mostly acknowledging the aches).
Where am I going to go? Am I too old to get that job at Fermi with the veteran's program? Would really be a let down.
I have another load of laundry going now. There is still so much to do here. No idea what my BiL is thinking... or has been told by her. I have a difficult time separating the words when spoken in Tagalog. I believe I mentioned that before, maybe not. Even if I did they could still just switch to another language.
Yes... a bit resentful there. Hard to feel not being lied to or something. Is it secret? Or being rude on purpose or not? Why not speak English so I can understand. I grew up and wasn't exposed to a second language until 5th grade. I didn't want to learn Spanish then, nor in the following three years. Never took a foreign language in High school either. Is this a button she can push? Yes. Should I let it bother me. No, but it does. I guess the trick is to not let it show. Poker face... against someone who can read me like a book. Time to start writing new pages right.
House is supposed to be on the market 60 days after the divorce is finalized. Part of me wants an act of God to destroy it. Its just a building now... part of me still is praying for the miracle. Yes... I know that desire might not be in His plan. The second one more than the first. The first is born of I quit and frustration. Not a good place to make a decision from .
Still have the three pictures on the night stand. I saw many pictures of family events where there were smiles. Even after we had gotten out of the Navy. Looking back at that time I honestly didn't feel like "I" live in Virginia. More memories of the ship than the places we resided. Pretty messed up.
I still not sure that was a life... not for me. Had I reenlisted there would have been another 2 -3 years of that. Two years of shore rotation and then back to a ship. I would have retired from a ship rotation at 20 years. Would we even know each other then? Lots of divorce in the Navy. Too much time apart. I wouldn't know my own daughters. Not even sure we would have our son had I stayed in. Not even sure there would be a "we". Yeah... cheeseless tunnel. Those are in there though. Got to ignore them.
Still have thoughts about the terminally stupid monster. Not as strong. I suspect that has become an ambush tactic now... Not sure how to avoid that. Be vigilant.
Still don't feel all that strong some days. Work just isn't enough...
Time to move the laundry to the dryer. More later.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Heh... An African safari has its beauty. Its excitement of adventure, and yet its solitude and being lost. You are the hunter, but yet the hunted. Its resources, and its desolation. Welcome to the unknown and life my friend. That's why life is whatever we make of it, and not what happens to us.
I'm off from work today and W is on Spring Break all week.
Here is my thought for today. Selfishness, selflessness and sharing. Tit for tat, sharing resources, lives, homes, money and food.
If you were trapped in wilderness in Africa with Mrs Turbine as you both are now, for 3 days and both of you each had 3 days of food, water, resources, etc, to survive. Who do you think would make the self sacrifices, and who do you think would pridefully divide up the resources equally and keep what is there's to themselves?
Ever notice that's how a marriage goes? You initially share everything in life. Then expectations, resentments, discontention, and the like build up, and next thing you know post BD, you are dividing all the time, the resources, the food, the children, the belongings. We are accused of being selfish, but they never reflect on their own heart, their own behaviors, their own actions...
Well I'd like to say I would make the sacrifices... Maybe right now I am. Before she was. At least she believes that and I will concede there is some truth to her claim.
Still reading as much as I can about DejaVu and her sitch. May I say you are very determined to do right by your children. Like you I am replaying what happened and what should have or could have. Lots of self loaded guilt.
I made it to the gym today. Sore in all the right places. I would like to see her there. However that would mean I am doing this for her. Yes I will admit that is wrong and should not be why I am doing that. Lots of attractive women and not a single one would be right.
Pretty sure I am wrapping that rope around myself more. Yup... still praying for the miracle.
God, I am praying this follows your plan. I admit I am wearing blinders right now.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
(((Turbine))). The self-loaded guilt is a killer. I know how you are suffering. I was right there with you not too long ago. Thirty-one years is a really, really long time so I totally get why you are struggling the way that you are and why it is so hard to let go. You need to do it anyway my friend. For your sake and for hers. The more you try to hang on, the more she wants to break free. Give her what she wants. What you want no longer exists. That sounds harsh, I know, but it is the truth from her perspective and it is our perspective that determines our reality.
My life got much, much easier when I accepted that my marriage was over and my H was gone. It hurt like hell but over time, as I have remembered things more clearly, the hurt has faded significantly and I have started to get excited about my life again. Letting my H go was the first step. You can let your W go too Turbine. You will survive and maybe even thrive once you do. Right now, you are just prolonging your suffering by focusing on her and what she is thinking and doing. Put the focus back on you...save yourself. (((HUGS)))
DejaVu6 is right Turbine. For the past seven months my focus has been nothing but my W and saving a marriage. I've finally gotten to a point where I need to put it down, I need to let her go, and I need to stop allowing her to take up so much mental space in my mind. After feeling so raw and so guilty for some of my actions for so long, and although the process is different for everyone, like everyone forewarned me on here, the sooner you stop feeling guilty, the sooner you become unstuck, the sooner you detach from your W and the codependency, the sooner you start living your own life for the better and what your wants and needs are. Ironically as of lately, I've regained some clarity of the relationship that I already knew before BD, and the hypocrisies of the relationship that my W does not see, or refuses to see. Everything she has accused me of she is also guilty herself of in different capacities, but refuses to recognize it West little humility and acceptance. This is why we validate because it's all about them, and how they are hurting, but not us. But there I go again shifting the focus back on the highway instead of myself. We have to be the example, we have to be stronger, we have to make the change that we want to see in the world. I had an epiphany last night, is that because I'm guilty of some of the same things, or had fallen into bad habits, that 12 years ago I attracted this person into my life and I had blinders on to their living habits because I was in love with them and vice versa. now we don't trust each other because of our living habits.
Last night driving home from therapy, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted not to mention hungry, because all I wanted to do was get to a place where I stopped thinking about the W and start worrying about myself exclusively.I finally asked myself the question driving home out loud in the car. What do I want? What do I want out of life? What do I want to do? What's better choices can I make? And what do I have control over? For some like myself everything I've learned here typically gets intellectualized but then takes months to internalize and act upon. Some take action right away.
Turbine I want you to imagine a future that's independent of your W. Although sad, it doesn't necessarily have to be. Try to accept that it is over, learn from your mistakes, forgive yourself for them. What's the old Marine saying? Improvise overcome and adapt ? Well it's time to cut the Heartstrings and do what you think is best for you. Who knows maybe in time you might want to creating a life that you love, and maybe with time you might attract back Mrs.Turbine?
I was at the gym last night. I hardly ever see her anymore. At home, anywhere... yes, that makes me sad.
The guilt... I have always internalized and taken the blame for stuff. Rightly or not. There is stuff from pre Mrs. Turbine I still have. Do I need help? Without a doubt. Not sure there is enough time in a day to attend to everything I need to in order to change all or any of that. Forgive myself... will take time.
When I was in 5th grade, maybe sooner, the school sent me to see the psychologist for the school district. Draw a picture of a man, a house, your family, all that stuff. No idea what the determination was. Maybe I am holding on to the idea they thought I was "broken". What a garbage thing to do to a kid. Not sure my parents even knew the results. That is messed up too. Sort of like the feeling I have carried with me that I will NEVER be able to retire.
Future without her... ships that separate take a long time to get over the horizon and fade from sight. The taller the ship the longer it takes. Will we get back together? I don't know. Maybe this will flip and she will and I won't. Not thrilled about that right now.
Got home last night... alone. Ate supper, cleaned up and went to my room. This morning I got my stuff done, packed my lunch and left. All without seeing her. maybe I should give her the pictures I have next to the bed. I have copies in my computer so I can see them if I want to.
Not angry with God. Feeling that I am not hearing what He is telling me. So feeling lost and disappointed with myself.
Caller to the radio show was talking about a comment made by Mrs. Obama about divorced dads. Yeah it was a dig toward the president. Rather insulting toward a group of people in general. The caller made a comment about how he felt he had failed his children. There are divorce parties. Celebrating a failure? So society is getting more accepting of D. i can understand this on an intellectual level. Living this though... what a wringer. So yeah there are some expectations I have or had about this. Work on it. She believes she did and now... too late. We aren't dead. So I reject that. To accept it just reinforces too me a check in the fail column. I have a lot to do if I can change that feeling from a end total to a step in the process.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
