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Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2837555
02/15/19 07:47 PM
02/15/19 07:47 PM
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Posts: 1,621
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DonH Offline OP
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DonH  Offline OP
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Um Rex, what the Hel....? I always appreciate everyone's input but dude, why are you taking things I wrote well over two weeks ago - cherry picking sentences and stringing them together as if I said it like that? It's like CNN and Fake News has come to the forum? This gets confusing enough but I in no way said the things in the context you are "quoting" me. The Deal breaker sentence was lifted from the start of a paragraph and then jumped to many paragraphs later. Then posts from weeks later are interspersed. I'm not going to rehash all of this again but what I was doing in at least the first post you pulled from was trying to explain the conversation Wild Girl and I finally had - overdue for a few months. She was gas lighting or at least re-writing history and I was not going to let her get away with it. As for walking away... Um we were on day 2 of an 11 day vacation. Did you want me to throw her out of the cabin, put her on a plane home, throw her overboard? The answer to every conflict is not to walk away and never look back. Sometimes a discussion is a good thing and was not at all feeding drama. As to the deal breaker, what I was referring to (smoking) was not even part of the quotes. Why am I seeing her again? - because I have some of her clothes, because we are still friends, because I've known her aunt for 25 years, heck my parents just spent two days with her, I know her parents, I will see them all again, I know I'll run into her again, my friends have now gotten to know her. I don't hate her, we can talk and still not be in an R. Finally, my best choice comment was not "best choice" for an R or partner - she was the best choice at the time to go on the cruise - and I stand by that.

Beyond all of that, I'm not going to rehash this all over again. At this point many here could explain as well as I why much of this happened with regards to this cruise - much of it, including the cost, being out of my control. Remember, after about August 25th tickets were done and things were committed. Life didn't stand still however.

As for my future travel, why on earth do I want to add yet more out of state women to the list. I've met more than enough and have them all over the place - Pittsburgh, Ohio, Michigan, Illinois, Arkansas (now Florida), St. Louis. I'm not looking to hook up with yet another one on vacation in Florida. I'd much rather take someone that I can see again after the vacation ends. I've done a great deal of travel on my own and do it well. I can do more. I just don't want to. I'd rather take some with me - like I did on the cruise.

Your last statement I tend to agree with more but would add the parents are more stable and established than their kids. Most are still married and have been for 40, 50 or more years. Their daughters are more struggling and have a history of picking the wrong guys. I'm sure that's why Wild Girls mother was so thrilled her and I were dating.

KML, I'm sure you know it wasn't about the dishes. CMM is just very upset with his life or with other things and that's where it came out. I'm guilty of doing that myself. I'm sure that's part of what my friends were getting at last weekend when they said I was a lot more fun with WG around. I got the same last summer. I'm making a conscious effort to not be so negative. It's just hard when I'm not satisfied and fully happy with all aspects of my life. On top of it, I've often focused on improving things. I'm never satisfied (in business) with 90% success - I want to focus on that remaining 10% that needs to be improved. I'm the same with my life. If I look objectively, I'm extremely lucky at where I am. I have great health, great family and friends, I'm financially set, don't usually have to set my alarm clock, have accomplished huge amounts of things... yet it's that remaining 10% that I seem to be focused on lately - and letting drag me down.

As has happened before, the Valentine"d Day things sort of snuck up on me. I really didn't care much or give it a thought. It's not like I had anyone worthy of getting anything from me. But then friends, who I'm guessing were feeling worse than me, kept bringing things up until I was bummed too right along with them. I think it's your expectations that made it worse - you had it all set in your head what you hoped it would be and when it didn't happen, you were disappointed.

I have to ask an even harder question than Andrew did... if he wasn't Stage IIIb would you have left by now or moved on by now? It must be the worst situation to be in because how could this not be on your mind? I know it would be on mine. But that still doesn't mean you can't bring it up to him and I think you should! I think you should tell him that you had high expectations for a really nice VD and his behavior really killed it. I'd let him know. If he doesn't he doesn't have the opportunity to change. You may even hint that this is not what you signed up for and if it continues you will struggle to keep going with it. That would be far better than letting it continue, get worse and get you to the point that you can't handle it anymore.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2837558
02/15/19 08:11 PM
02/15/19 08:11 PM
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 167
Texas
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rexgm Offline
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Bored at work and started reading through some threads. Didnt actually notice the date it was written, figured it was active. Although throwing her overboard would of been an interesting action.


M:43 W:33
M:10 T:11
D:6
BD 8/12/17
Divorce Final 1/23/2019
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2837566
02/15/19 08:57 PM
02/15/19 08:57 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,101
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kml Offline
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With CMM the clean freak stuff was present before his diagnosis - I'm pretty sure it's the reason he moved out of his last roommate situation into his own place. Ramped up maybe because of his lllness but not caused by it - he's OCD and can't admit it to himself. If I pet the dog I have to wash my hands before I touch CMM kind of OCD.

He's generally good and loving with me and doesn't direct his OCD at me. But his stubborn conviction that his way is the right way and his difficult interactions with others are a problem. If he wasn't sick, it's possible that the relationship would have burned out; or equally possible that without the stress of his illness these cracks wouldn't have appeared.

The question is moot though - he's ill with a life threatening disease and no real support system; I won't abandon him.

And don't worry, my boundaries are very healthy. I told him clearly last night that I did not appreciate him messing up our Valentine's evening over such penny ante complaints.

Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: kml] #2837567
02/15/19 09:37 PM
02/15/19 09:37 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,621
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DonH Offline OP
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DonH  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by rexgm
Although throwing her overboard would of been an interesting action.

Yeah but I promised her mom and her daughters I'd keep her safe and return her in the same condition I picked her up in. Plus, I'm told the paperwork on that is horrendous.

Originally Posted by rexgm
Bored at work and started reading through some threads.

So in other words, never mind? Good to see your advice is well reasoned. well thought out, and to be taken to heart smile

Originally Posted by kml
The question is moot though - he's ill with a life threatening disease and no real support system; I won't abandon him.

I fully understand and agree. I could not abandoned someone like this either and hope (and like to think) I'd do the same thing you are.. I've said it before that he's very lucky to have you. I'd be forever grateful if it were me in his situation.

It is interesting, just in an abstract way (not necessarily talking you or your sitch KML) but interesting how one little thing can cause someone to walk away and never look back when it happens before or after a first date - and the quick walk away and never look back is supported by many. Any number of little things can have someone move on and try the next person. Yet, after even a few months, people are much more willing to overlook or at least give a chance to those very same behaviors that would have had them out the door previously. Again, just a very interesting aspect of human nature. And clearly I'm not pointing fingers here - I'm much the same. I allowed Wild Girl many more latitudes and overlooked more than I have with all sorts of other woman that never made it to the 10th or even 5th date. I guess this is yet something else to be said for dating the same person for awhile rather than dozens of 3rd dates.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2837584
02/16/19 01:24 AM
02/16/19 01:24 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,793
Canada
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AndrewP Offline
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Originally Posted by DonH
interesting how one little thing can cause someone to walk away and never look back when it happens before or after a first date - and the quick walk away and never look back is supported by many. Any number of little things can have someone move on and try the next person. Yet, after even a few months, people are much more willing to overlook or at least give a chance to those very same behaviors that would have had them out the door previously. Again, just a very interesting aspect of human nature.
Just because it is called the sunk costs fallacy doesn't mean that it isn't a very real thing. Heck it even got me to the point where after nearly 3 decades I was willing to overlook a serious affair which in the first 3 or 4 would not have been accepted.

Just to ramble a bit on the subject as well - we are as humans I believe creatures of habit. We get used to things. The boiling frog analogy perhaps also applies if you want to look at it cynically.

I have 2 cats. They would wake me up in the middle of the night and it would take some attention and comfort from me to satisfy them and then we would all have a quiet night. Then it ramped up. And eventually I decided that I'd had enough. So now - after the first session of meowing and banging on my bedroom door, they get evicted - gently - to the kitchen. But I accepted that "unacceptable" behaviour for close to a year before the frequency exceeded my frog boiling temperature.

We also as people I think hold on to the idea of "potential". It's what keeps lottery players buying their tickets. Heck - and you'll be pleased with this Don - it's what kept me on the shelf for CL for months while I waited for her to sort her own crap out. There was a lot of potential there. But potential unrealized is just so much fairy dust that fades with the dawn.

One of my favourite aphorisms is that "everyone's fondest wish is for tomorrow to be like yesterday". And that keeps us stuck waiting for a future past that is past rather than building and growing towards an actual future. Real futures require letting go of the past. Taking risks. Venturing the unknown and the uncomfortable. It's hard. It's easy to say - "I'll never find someone who fits boxes X, Y or Z" or to discount people who cross our paths because those boxes aren't ticked. But as I often say when I give presentations - it is important for us to imagine the possible.

Well - enough philosophy for this evening. I'm curious to see what flowers from these seeds though. Perhaps nothing. But I have some seeds from a habanero pepper gifted to me by a friend from Trinidad that didn't sprout this winter that I'm going to try again in the spring.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2840717
03/07/19 01:00 AM
03/07/19 01:00 AM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,621
Midwest
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DonH Offline OP
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DonH  Offline OP
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Well... Even though it's been somewhere near three weeks since my last update, and even though there are multiple things I could update on, this will still be a short post - at least short for me.

I should be really happy. Heck most of you should be really happy for me. Sadly, the reality is we all have too much history not to at least have a healthy pause. It's not even official yet but I'd say given that my source is at the core of things, it's much more likeky than not to be true...

We are being asked back for next years cruise!

Yeah, I know, in other words, here we go again. Honestly I really don't think this will be that bad - not as bad as last year I mean. And heck it's not yet even official, but, I guess what really gets me is how did I get to a point in my life where otherwise really, really exciting news like this could bring such pause - and I'm betting those of you who rode this ride along with me last year know this feeling very wel - because you're feeling it right now!!!

Just so this does not get taken out of context, which I'm told happen a lot around here? hmmmm, who knew? But in all of the above, I'm mostly joking. It's mostly tongue in cheek, sarcasm... MOSTLY!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2840721
03/07/19 01:48 AM
03/07/19 01:48 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
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kml Offline
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Hahahahaha.
If I weren't in a relationship, and so seriously prone to motion sickness that I would NEVER set foot on a cruise ship, I'd offer to be your date next year.

Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2845113
04/10/19 04:53 PM
04/10/19 04:53 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,621
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DonH Offline OP
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DonH  Offline OP
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Well, it's been over a month. I wish I again had more to report and I guess I do but nothing worth reading??? LOL. The cruise is confirmed for next January again. I thought it was going to fall through as... a different cruise line, different line up of bands and the behind the scenes negotiations looked like we might have to bow out as the perks were reduced from last time. I guess I still have my negotiating skills as I put together what I really thought was a fair counter proposal and evidently they did as well as it was accepted. Part of me was almost fine if it would fall through as then I would not have to go through last year again but to be honest, now that it's a done deal again, I'm still fine. I think I may have gotten it out of my system last time. That's not to say I won't have to find someone to go and won't have the same goals (other than the drama of the last month or two prior to cruising LOL) But I've got at least until August again and a lot can happen.

I leave for my first trip of my life to Europe in a few hours. I've traveled a lot or at least a fair bit in my lifetime but never to Europe. I'm excited but not nearly as excited as when I went on the cruise. I know I'll have fun and I'm very glad I'm going - just not at that same level. Not even sure why. I'll let everyone know about it when I get back later next week.

Still kinda meah about dating and I'm sure that's effecting my results. Pretty much the same thing now has happened with four different women - we talk about going out, sometimes even have tentative plans, but then it never happens. I think they sense I'm not fully in it and doing it just in case something happens. One of the women I've dated before and we are mostly just friends but it would still have been fun to get together when she was in town - but we didn't. The next lady I think is afraid of dating anyone. The third said she is allergic to cats and Republicans LOL yet we have gotten along very well. For the record, I don't have any cats. She again just said about meeting (none of these are from OLD) yet every time I say, sure, then she backs off. Thing is, none of them give me that "I really want to meet you feeling" - more just the "yeah, we can go out even though I don't expect anything to come of it feeling" and I'm betting they are sensing it or perhaps even feeling the same thing. I wish I would have whatever came over me with Wild Girl last summer come over me again - where I actually tried and when I tried, look what happened.

And speaking of Wild Girl, I had not heard from her at all for nearly a month then we ended up on the phone for several hours catching up last week and again for a shorter time two days later on my birthday - yes I'm even a year older. Ugggggggg. She is interesting, I'll give her that. I swear she even believes the stuff she says. I really wanted to know (I don't even know why) what this new guy of hers said after the cruise - which as an aside, I still keep getting questions from people I run into based on the social media photos out there "Who is this girl" "she really looks into you" "did you get married" Um MARRIED?? WTF???? Anyhow, yes, he still thinks something went on - to which she says to me "I don't get it why do people think that men and women can't just be friends" I'm like, well, look what happened, and she gets real quiet and almost whispers in the phone, "no one knows about that." To which I respond, "Well I do, I was there!!!!" Why would she even say something like this - other than she is challenged with the truth so deeply that she's even lying or at least spinning it to someone who knows the real story - MEEEEEEE!. Yep, fun to play with, but not at all R material. Yet... Not a healthy choice on my part. If everything happens for a reason I should perhaps be thanking this guy for entering the picture when he did.

Enough of that as other than two out of the last 30 days I didn't think much about her. I'm hoping my future dating life will all just naturally fall back into place. There are at least a half dozen women I could peruse like I did WG, now if only I could find it within myself to want to peruse them. Now watch, that will happen while in Europe, with someone who lives there. That would be true to form for me (but the first time with someone from out of the country LOL)

How's that for an update barley worth reading? Hopefully I'll have something more interesting to report next time.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2845124
04/10/19 05:31 PM
04/10/19 05:31 PM
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 605
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Twofeet Offline
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DonH,

What countries in Europe have you visited? I have been to France and it was great! Hope you have a good time and looking forward to your update. BTW you should just next these women in your life, and see what kind of women you can attract while on your trip!


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2845126
04/10/19 05:32 PM
04/10/19 05:32 PM
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 605
T
Twofeet Offline
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Twofeet  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2018
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Ugg you can't edit on this side of the forums.

What countries in Europe are you visiting?


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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