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A Message from Michele
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Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: Steve85] #2843416
03/26/19 03:32 PM
03/26/19 03:32 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
J
JimmyRig Offline OP
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JimmyRig  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
Both

Steve85


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2843418
03/26/19 03:38 PM
03/26/19 03:38 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,761
S
Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,761
Originally Posted by Choppy
Both

Steve85


Cause I can tell you that if your motivation in doing this is to save the marriage, she will see right through it.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2844024
03/31/19 10:14 PM
03/31/19 10:14 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
J
JimmyRig Offline OP
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JimmyRig  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
She wants space but goes back and forth wanting to hang on the couch after the kids have gone to bed to catch up on dvr'd shows and still haven't been served papers after it was brought up by her over a month ago.

I'm thinking of buying a fixer upper a few streets away. 1. It would actually be cheaper than renting and gain equity. 2. It would keep me busy and if we work stuff out I could sell it.

Thoughts on moving out and buying it? Mort Fertel says stay put and if someone wants space the one who wants space should be the one to move out.

Thoughts?


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2844025
03/31/19 10:50 PM
03/31/19 10:50 PM
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 503
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Grace21 Online
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Grace21  Online
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Joined: Sep 2018
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IMO, if she is the one that doesn't want to work on the marriage and needs space, she needs to move out. I would stay put. My H could not commit to working on our marriage, and I told him that perhaps it would be a good idea for him to move out for a couple of months and it might give him clarity. He agreed. That was Oct 1. He's no closer to clarity than he was back then, but I'm happy to be in my own surroundings. Stand firm.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2844051
04/01/19 12:41 PM
04/01/19 12:41 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,308
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AnotherStander Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,308
Originally Posted by Choppy
still haven't been served papers after it was brought up by her over a month ago.


That's pretty common. If you remove the pressure then often they won't pursue D even though they may have threatened it very recently.

Quote
Thoughts on moving out and buying it?


I wouldn't make any big purchases right now, not until you see where things are going. Stay put. Like Grace said, the decision to stay or go should be your W's, don't make it for her. WAS's feel like their LBS has controlled and manipulated them so part of DB'ing is pulling back and giving them space and allowing them to make their own decisions. If you buy a place and move out then that may look like "more of the same" behavior to her.

Quote
Mort Fertel says stay put and if someone wants space the one who wants space should be the one to move out.


We highly recommend you don't mix-and-match approaches. Follow Michele's books and the DB'ing approach or follow someone else's, but don't try to blend them as it usually just causes you a lot of confusion. In this case his comment is consistent with DB'ing.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2844053
04/01/19 12:48 PM
04/01/19 12:48 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,761
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,761
Originally Posted by Choppy
She wants space but goes back and forth wanting to hang on the couch after the kids have gone to bed to catch up on dvr'd shows and still haven't been served papers after it was brought up by her over a month ago.

I'm thinking of buying a fixer upper a few streets away. 1. It would actually be cheaper than renting and gain equity. 2. It would keep me busy and if we work stuff out I could sell it.

Thoughts on moving out and buying it? Mort Fertel says stay put and if someone wants space the one who wants space should be the one to move out.

Thoughts?


Do not move out unless court ordered to do so. That is my opinion.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2844125
04/01/19 04:54 PM
04/01/19 04:54 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
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JimmyRig Offline OP
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JimmyRig  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
Thanks guys DB'ing continues !


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2844235
04/02/19 03:50 PM
04/02/19 03:50 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
J
JimmyRig Offline OP
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JimmyRig  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
Well I think I really [censored] up. Last night she left her phone downstairs which she never does (she is in a upstairs) bedroom and I snooped. I turned the phone on and had saw her swipe her code in earlier in the day.

Earlier in the day we also ran into a coworker of hers (her boss) and chatted a bit at the store.
Backstory (A couple of weeks ago her phone chimed and it was face up as I walked by it and it said signal message. I asked her what Signal was and she told me it was a message app her and her coworkers use to fly under the radar on company phone bc it auto deletes messages after a set time.)

So at 2am I turned her phone on and went into Signal and a message was sent to her from him moments after we parted ways in the store saying(T'was a little awkward). And that was the only one bc the others timed out. So I went into her normal messenger and everything before Nov 30 is deleted. There was a couple of other weird texts. Her telling him Signal, FYI or Choppy is "sick" today. And something to the affect of 1/2 day for the kids on Friday and the other response "ugg" . His wife is a para-professional and would be home around lunch. We all live within 5 minutes of each other, work and school.

So when she turned on her phone this morning messages, facebook and other texts popped up as coming in at 2am. She asked me if I had turned her phone on and I said yes and then asked her why this guy would send "awkward" to her moments after us parting ways.

She rambled off some i don't knows and maybe this and that. They also attended a conference together with other workers in Nov. and travel together for a day a month for meetings.

We both walked away and went to work with me shaking my head, wondering.


Thoughts? DB squashed bc I broke trust or did I finally get to the bottom of why it is just a plain no go from her working on the marriage?


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2844237
04/02/19 04:10 PM
04/02/19 04:10 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,019
L
LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,019
C,

You can't work on a marriage when there is 3 people involved. She i having an affair her boss.

Is an affair a deal breaker for you?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: LBS script and Flying on instruments [Re: JimmyRig] #2844239
04/02/19 04:15 PM
04/02/19 04:15 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
J
JimmyRig Offline OP
Member
JimmyRig  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
I don't know. I think I could get past it? But she will not admit it and keeps saying She does not want to work on anything and of course blaming me and if she does admit it they both would be caught in a scandel. So there is a lot riding on her keeping quiet.


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
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