Harvey, sounds like things are going well, good to hear! Regarding your earlier question, I found out pretty late in the game, well after S but I think before D (probably not too long before though). I suspected all along, but my XW asked me to drop something off in her mailbox and I ran by before work which was like 5:30 am and there was OM's truck in her driveway. I never asked because by that point it was water under the bridge. It probably stung a little, I don't really remember. If so it didn't for long. Things like that help you to realize it's time to move on!
Thanks AS! I failed to mention that I'm still a little tentative about entering into a serious relationship. It's been over a year since BD, and I'm mostly ready. It's not so much that a fear hurting the new girl. It's more than I know if I enter into this relationship, in my mind I've ended any chance for reconciliation with my XW. If I do enter into this, the option for reconciling just won't be there anymore, if that makes any sense.
Hey Harvey - long time since I checked in. That's what happens I guess. As we start to move on, we introspect less, and live more.
Anyway, you're doing well, despite "not being completely detached". Last time I checked in you were nervously dipping your toe into dating. It seems it took. I am so very very happy for you.
Re the possible affair. It's OK that it sent you into a spin. I don't think it's jealousy. I suspect its anger at the betrayal. At the lies and maybe even some left over resentment for putting you through the [censored] she put you through. You can feel angry at her and still not want her back. Damn, you can miss her and also not want her back at the same time.
Also, I just wanted to point out that you don't know it was going on before the break up. It could be recent. People need to move forward. Her and you. And you are dating too. I bet my last dollar that some nights that eats her up. Not regret. Just a little voice saying "how dare he".
You're dating 4 women at once !!!
That in itself must be a logistical nightmare
I'm really glad you've met someone that you think you might have a future with. I still find this part really hard. I can date, but there comes a point (maybe date 2 or 3) where I think I can't see myself introducing you to my kids , and something clicks, and either I or they or both of us end it.
In any case this is about you. You ask (or was the question rhetorical?) whether you should stop dating other people if you see a future with this one. Would you be upset if she was dating other people? Would she be upset if she knew you were?. If the answer to either of these questions is yes, then you need to either have the talk, or you simply stop dating other people and give this relationship a chance to work. If it doesn't, you know that the OLD's will still be there.
How are your girls? We had a bit of a hard time recently with D12 (now 13) and my H and I really came together to try and get her through it. I am grateful that he still prioritises them. She still has her days, but it's getting better. Teenagers !!!
My relationship with the fourth woman (mentioned above) has gotten pretty serious. I really like her, and I know deep down it's not just limerance. I really think I found a keeper. Trying to go slow, and my schedule has helped, but she is so right for me in almost every way.
I took my time to start dating (8 months post-divorce, it's now 11 months post-divorce). I'm glad I waited until I was ready.
A couple of weeks ago, I felt like I got a temp check from my XW for the first time since she said she wanted a divorce last summer. She dropped by unannounced and was almost flirty. It was just weird, but I realized I was just mind reading. She could have just as easily been trying to butter me up to tell me she's dating. Who knows. However, my love for her just isn't what it was. It didn't send me reeling. I just shook my head.
Then, the most surreal thing happened. On Halloween my girlfriend sent me a text to tell me that she thought my younger daughter had just come to the door trick or treating. She recognized her from photos that I showed her. She described my daughter's outfit. My XW lives 4-5 miles from my girlfriend's house in a city of 200,000 people, so it was quite the coincidence. She said my XW was with a guy who was short, chubby, and had a big beard. My XW never really liked when I grew a beard. This describes the guy I thought my XW might be having an emotional affair with. She said he looked older than me. I don't think he is, he just looks it. I jokingly said I guess what they say about affair'ing down is true, and she said he was a big step down from me. I later got validation that my XW was indeed in the neighborhood.
Life is interesting. I couldn't ask for much more. Kids are doing well. I've grown. I'm staying in contact with close friends and family. I have an awesome girlfriend who I treat right (but I've concentrated in keeping my alpha male traits). Most importantly, I've grown in my faith.
Thanks to everybody for helping me get through all of this!
Need some advice. Things are going well with my new GF, but something happened this weekend that sent me spinning a bit. I went to my older daughter's gymnastics meet with my younger daughter. My XW arrived with a guy. It happened to be the guy that I suspected she was having an EA with before our divorce. I did ask her at the time if there was another guy involved, and of course she said no. My heart trusted her, but there have been numerous red flags before and since--too many to name.
I was surprised. I would have expected that she would have given me a heads up, but she didn't. I can't control that. She barely acknowledged me, didn't introduce us, and sat on the other side of the gym. Up until this point, we have sat together at all of our daughter's events. Afterwards, I told the girls to say goodbye to their Mom, and she could barely look me in the eye.
Later that evening, she sent a text saying she hopes it was okay, and that she'd like to introduce me to her BF. If it wasn't this guy, I might feel better about it. I did tell her that I thought it could have been handled better and that I would let her know when I was going to introduce my GF to the girls. I don't know if I even needed to say that, but I wanted to get that off my chest.
I'd like to get some answers about what really happened, but I know I shouldn't. Water off a duck's back. I just need validation that I should just move on. Even if I asked, she probably still wouldn't be truthful.
What's the best way of handling this? I don't know that I need a formal introduction. The precedence has now been set that we will be two separate groups at our daughter's events.
If your girls were older I'd just ignore her completely.
I'd decline the invitation to be introduced. I know there's all these "rules" about how divorced people are supposed to be friends and "coparent" and blah blah blah but man there aint a chance in hell I'd want to meet the OM for any reason that wouldn't land me in jail. I would ignore him and her outside of your girls.
Glad to hear the new gal is all that Harvey!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Sorry I missed this. I'm not online as often as I used to be.
I think it was wrong of her to bring him without speaking to you first. It is disrespectful. Having said that, it's done now, and their is naught you can do about it. I don't think there was anything malicious in it. I suspect she just didn't thik. I would however make sure that the children know you are not only OK with their mom seeing another man, but you are happy for her. I appreciate you might have to fake the last part of that sentence. Your W will carry on spending time with the the OM and your children will come into contact with him.
I would not want my children thinking they have to hide things from me or they couldn't talk to me. Don't pry (our kids aren't spies) but let them know it's ok to talk about him in front of you.
Anyway, I like your updates Harvey. Things sound like they're going well.
Need some advice. ...My XW arrived with a guy. It happened to be the guy that I suspected she was having an EA with before our divorce..she sent a text saying she hopes it was okay, and that she'd like to introduce me to her BF....What's the best way of handling this?
One option:
If you know his name: H:"If you are talking about (guys name), I believe it is best that you do not introduce him to me." W:"Bla bla bla" H:"We both know when your relationship with him started. I am open to meeting any of your future BF's"
Something like that.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Sorry I missed this. I'm not online as often as I used to be.
I think it was wrong of her to bring him without speaking to you first. It is disrespectful. Having said that, it's done now, and their is naught you can do about it. I don't think there was anything malicious in it. I suspect she just didn't thik. I would however make sure that the children know you are not only OK with their mom seeing another man, but you are happy for her. I appreciate you might have to fake the last part of that sentence. Your W will carry on spending time with the the OM and your children will come into contact with him.
I would not want my children thinking they have to hide things from me or they couldn't talk to me. Don't pry (our kids aren't spies) but let them know it's ok to talk about him in front of you.
Anyway, I like your updates Harvey. Things sound like they're going well.
I think I'm pretty properly detached because the swimming didn't last long. I've known for awhile anyways. I had a great weekend with the girls. Went sledding today. FS, as to me showing the girls that I'm happy for her that she found another guy, I'm not sure I'll get there. My tact is more to just ignore it, and keep moving on with my life. I don't pry or talk about my XW much to the girls. When I do, it's all positive.
I did have plans to introduce my GF (who I've been dating since August) to my girls, but an untimely blizzard stopped those plans. We'll try again in a couple of weeks. I have met GF's daughter a handful of times. She followed me on Instagram.
Onward and upwards! I do think waiting until you are ready to date (basically, ending any chance of R) was the right thing to do. It's a blessing to be able to find somebody you click with right away.
I did tell her that I thought it could have been handled better and that I would let her know when I was going to introduce my GF to the girls. I don't know if I even needed to say that, but I wanted to get that off my chest.
I think that was a good response.
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I'd like to get some answers about what really happened, but I know I shouldn't. Water off a duck's back. I just need validation that I should just move on. Even if I asked, she probably still wouldn't be truthful.
You are correct, you need to let it go and you likely wouldn't get an honest response anyway.
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What's the best way of handling this? I don't know that I need a formal introduction. The precedence has now been set that we will be two separate groups at our daughter's events.
I'm going to disagree with the others here. You've been divorced around a year and your XW is apparently in a LTR with this guy. She's apparently going to start bringing him to your kids' events. I think you should meet him. Why I think that is simple- you are likely going to keep crossing paths with both of them because of the kids, and you don't want it to be awkward every time. Even if you sit apart there will be times when you're going to be in direct contact, such as you and your XW both going to talk to D after the event. You don't want to be in a situation where you're constantly going out of your way to avoid being seen by each other.
If you get serious enough with your GF that you start bringing her then extend the same courtesy to your XW (offer to introduce them).
