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A Message from Michele
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Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2871936
11/12/19 09:40 PM
11/12/19 09:40 PM
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Hi pax

It actually helped me to own up to being the villain a bit. Not that I was. But in my mind, I knew what him and his friends and his mom thought and I just figured they already think it - so who cares. I can say and do anything and it doesnít matter. I can be the ďbad guyĒ and just make it about getting what works in my best interest. Itís a liberating way to think if you can get there.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2871938
11/12/19 09:42 PM
11/12/19 09:42 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
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Pax:

Totally and completely relate. I feel done and over it and him, but I have two things that still crop up for me. The first is just WTF. Every now and again, I think how in the world did this happen. All of it. Not in sadness or anything, sometimes I even laugh about it. It just still catches me unawares and makes me do that.

The second is exactly what you describe. I can't bear that he or anyone else views me as the bad guy here. From the beginning if I would say it bothered me that he was lying about me to people (his people), my mother would say you shouldn't care anything about those people, what they think, or what he tells them. At first this upset me. I didn't understand why she had to say that. Now, I kind of get it. I really don't care anything he says to them and if they believe him, that is on them. He has treated all of them badly as well. And your friend instantly knew the problem was him, not you. So don't worry that the things he says look bad on you. People see him for what he is, whether they advertise that or not.

I still hate that he thinks he hates me. I don't know why that bothers me. When he refuses to talk to me (about kids, divorce, house) I feel like he is telling me that I don't matter as a person. That I am so insignificant that I don't deserve a response. Took a long time. But I think my son helped me on this one. I always tell the kids, when they say they hate him or don't want to talk to him, or anything, that he is not in a good place, he's depressed, he's hurting too. Finally my son said, "Mom, this is his choice. This is how he is choosing to behave. Stop making excuses for him. He is choosing to do this." Whatever the reason, whatever the cause. This man who gets up and goes to work and cares for the sick, and gets raises for his performance, and bonuses, etc. (and therefore a functional, adult human) is choosing to behave like a nasty piece of you-know-what to the woman who made that life possible for him and the only children he will ever have. He just isn't a good person. Sometimes that is the answer. When a bad person thinks you are the bad guy, should that hurt? I don't think so.

I recently read this book about the science of adult attachment. Very interesting because I've never subscribed a lot to all of that stuff. Well, very interesting to see how avoidants behave in relationships and how easy it is to spot them when you are not nose up against them. You are clearly an anxious attacher (as am I), so you are waiting for the new guy to treat you like the avoidant (avoidants and anxious attachments are drawn to each other but bad news). Sounds like he is a secure attacher, which is the kind you want to be with. Read the book, I think it will give you a lot of "ah has" and help you intellectualize your reaction when you feel this attachment injury in yourself.

You are doing great. Getting there day by day. You have your whole life in front of you. As you shut the door on the past, thank him for the things he has forced you to learn about yourself and what you want and don't want in your new life.

Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2871961
11/13/19 12:28 AM
11/13/19 12:28 AM
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Pax_luv Online OP
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You guys are the best. Always appreciate the viewpoints. Juju- Iíve definitely tried going there. Just own it... I can be unapologetic for my actions because they already think the worst of me. Hmmm.

Own- ugh sorry that you can relate. Itís exhausting. Iím my heart I know itís about him and his choices. I know I will look back on this time and be ok with what Iíve done/ havenít done and be at peace with that. Thatís what matters. Itís ages though. This does feel like one of those bags I need to unpack before moving along on my journey.

I definitely want to read the attachment book! Thanks for sharing that. I was stretching on my yoga mat this morning and was trying to pin point parts of my childhood that are making me the way I am right now. (Especially with the attachment that you note). I couldnt recall any dynamic or instance, but doesnít all trauma stem from childhood??? Anyway, Iím not sure therapizing myself works but Iím not opposed to digging deep.

Interestingly, I just got an email from my ex with a cc to his lawyer outlining his thanksgiving travel plans and heís taking the dog because heís his emotional support animal. 2 first class tickets for him and a guest. He intentionally cut out the guests name. Must be nice being broke? The court order states that as soon as he gets back I can get the dog for my make-up time... and ex is trying to push it a few days so the dog can adjust at his home.

Nope...the dog can adjust on my time at his other home with me. Thank you very much.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2872607
11/19/19 08:05 AM
11/19/19 08:05 AM
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Pax_luv Online OP
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Hola- Just a blah blah post because I canít sleep.

What an obnoxious two hours it has been. I think Iím going to be wired for a bit.

The weather in my neck of the woods has been extreme with swings of 50 degrees. Today was 93. The pressure inside of my head is having a hard time with the changes and Iím having sinus issues. Basically my head is killing me and itís so dry it hurts to breathe.

So... last night and tonight it is hard to get comfortable because I have my thick warm comforter on my bed but itís 80 degrees in side of my place. The fans donít help and I donít want to turn the air on because itís all messing with my head too. So I just deal with it.

Tonight Around 10pm, Iím trying to get comfortable and fall asleep, but I have a plug in air freshener in the next room8 that is so strong smelling that itís hurting my nose because Iím so dried out. This never happens, Iím usually completely fine with scents. So I get rid of it and get back into Bed.

I then thought to myself..., maybe I could run my diffuser to get a little bit of moisture in the air. I get out of bed, turn on the lights, I pull it out, add some water and plug it in.... I then hop into bed and wait for it to start working..... and nothing. The mist function isnít working but the light function still works. ( Rolls eyes. )

Ok.... so I get out of bed, Drain the water from it and then get back into bed again. I jussstttttttt start to fall asleep when I hear the deafening And echoing chirp of the smoke detector. Nooooooo!!!! Low battery.

That micro-second chirp is just piercing and my heart is racing. The way it echoes in the unit is horrifying. Ughhhhhhh. There are two detectors pretty close together in my unit ( I live in a loft with no official rooms).... so I stand between the two of them to figure out which one it came from.

Itís the one closest to bed.....dang it! I have a sunken bedroom with 12 foot ceilings and no ladder. Every chirp makes my heart race.

These are the detectors that make it pretty impossible to disable so I know I just need to replace the battery which I already know I dont have. Fml.

I go to the garage to see if I by chance have one in my car ( I schlep around supplies for conferences and i know I have at least one in my supply bag).... oh but wait..... my car is in the shop and I have a loaner.

Arg. I can hear my neighbors are awake. The chirping definitely woke them up.

I put on clothes and I track down the overnight security guard on the property who gets me a battery. Now.... I need to somehow change the battery.

I am not going to share what I had to do to replace the battery. I did create a dr Seuss-looking tower of misc odds and ends to stack on top of each other And give me height. It was 10000000% unsafe and i could have seriously injured myself. Not something I want to do again, but holy cow I needed that chirping to stop ASAP.

Ok...so now itís quiet, Iím back in bed for the fifth time tonight and I hope I can sleep. I also now have a step ladder on hold at Home Depot to pick up tomorrow.

But before I sign off.....kind of a funny thing I noticed with ex when I drop off the dog. So, he opens the door just a crack so the dog can walk inside. He always hides behind the door and I donít see his face at all. What I noticed, is that he tries to keep the door cracked as little as possible and my dog has to squuuueeeeeeze through to get in. Iíve had to laugh a couple of times because I cant even imagine what ex is thinking. I actually think he might Be paying attention to something else (like maybe peeking through the peep hole) and not even looking down to see the dog trying to squirm in. JUST OPEN THE DOOR!!! Let him in! Crazy!

Ok- the end. I think Iím ready to fall asleep now. Fingers crossed for no more interruptions.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2872678
11/19/19 08:02 PM
11/19/19 08:02 PM
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kml Offline
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Dang that smoke detector saga sounds like a nightmare! They are SO annoying too.

Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2873726
11/28/19 08:30 AM
11/28/19 08:30 AM
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Pax_luv Online OP
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Happy thanksgiving DB land!

Just doing some reflective journaling since I canít sleep. My neighbors smoke detector is now chirping and they arenít home. Why???????? Itís that tone that makes my heart skip a beat every time it chirps. Ughh these walls are way too thin.

Anyway, thanksgiving is a weird holiday for me. It was exís favorite so I always made a big deal for him. With his dietary restrictions, I always made a special meal just for him. It was the only time of year he seemed to genuinely like his family, even if it only lasted 30 mins. We often went back to his home town for thanksgiving, and I never felt comfortable there because he would talk so much crap about them. It was exhausting!!!!! I wonít get into the dynamic but it was no vacation thatís for sure.

We never really had a last thanksgiving before we split. We visited his family the month prior so we chose not to fly out and stayed local instead. Iíve shared this story before, but The night before thanksgiving my car had a really bad flat tire at work and I was stuck there for a couple hours. Ex couldnít help me out because he was with his actor friends and quite frankly couldnít give a crap about me being stranded in a parking garage late at night. Eventually, I got some help from a tow truck driver who helped me get the spare on. (Shame on me for never learning.)

Anyway I got home late- was pretty tired and went to bed. A couple hours later I had severe food poisoning. I remember vomiting My Brains out and laying on the bathroom floor and shivering so much I wrapped myself in a bath towel. I didnít let my ex know for a couple reasons. I needed to handle it, I didnít trust him, I knew I wouldnít get any empathy.

Anyway, long story short, we didnít have a thanksgiving because I was so sick. Looking back, that was a really hard time because I didnít know what exactly was happening. I hadnít officially gotten bd yet, but the writing was on the wall. I just remember pretzeling myself and pretzeling myself and pretzeling myself to keep the peace at home because he was so unhappy. It was a really hard time. I actually am getting emotional right now thinking about how hard that time was. Total mindf**.<

The following thanksgiving, this very board was my refuge. We had separated a few months prior and I didnít have a handle on anything yet. I was still a mess but I popped in here often throughout the day and was able to keep it together. I remember being with my family feeling like such an outsider trying to have the brave face when I was dying inside. I would sneak away to read the boards and check in on a few of my friends here. This place was such a god send and Iím so grateful for this community. Strangers supporting strangers.... itís a beautiful thing.


Anyway, here we are 4 years out from that first solo turkey day and Iím doing much better. I may be wrapping this divorce up in exactly 2 weeks and I canít even believe it. Part of me is nervous that I havenít done all my homework and Iím leaving a lot on the table (I think I am) and the other part of me has zero energy to even look at another legal document. I just want it to be over.

I think when it does officially end, Iíll have a little bit of a breakdown- not in a bad way. I know Iíve carried an obscene amount of stress and anxiety in my body over this situation and there will be a (very good) let down when itís finally over.

Last edited by job; 12/03/19 02:42 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs

Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2873873
11/29/19 07:06 PM
11/29/19 07:06 PM
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Pax, reading these things always makes me feel so sad for what you have endured, but also that you are out of it. Your ex always seems to hit the NPD bells, not just traits, but the actual condition. I get the wanting to be over. I'm glad for you that after such a long time it is almost done. It will definitely be a time to celebrate.

Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2873920
11/30/19 01:34 AM
11/30/19 01:34 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,111
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Gerda Offline
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A big hug for Pax from Gerda. I too am looking at the past years, holidays and non-holidays, and all the signs I ignored or endured or enabled, all the times I was lonely and alone and not taken care of and thought it was okay to live like that. I am still confused about it. I am not sure if H had as drastic a change as I thought. I mean, I am sure it was drastic, but I am wondering now if he was holding it together all those years we were together and finally couldn't do it anymore, or if what he is now really is the opposite of what he was. I mean, it really was a drastic change, and even my kids refer to the two hims as 'good papa' and 'bad papa' or 'old papa' and 'new papa.'

I guess I am realizing that there were a lot more pretzels than I realized, for a lot more years.

I really recommend two books to you, they are helping me a lot. There are some cheesy or corny parts but it is helping me so much to become aware of my wounds, pre and post H, and to start to heal them. One is called, You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse and the other is called, Whole Again.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2874328
12/03/19 06:46 AM
12/03/19 06:46 AM
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Pax_luv Online OP
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Thanks own- I do think there are some npd tendencies for sure. About two years ago I did look into narcissist abuse support groups. My brain was kind of messed up for a bit, but I think I detached enough and am well on the way to recovery. I donít doubt that I also had an attachment style that drew me to him in the beginning.

Gerda, thank you for the hug and the book recommendations. Iíll look into them. Side noteó-Funnily enough I have a couple of unread books On my night stand that I really need to get through... they are all on productivity and efficiency. I laugh at the fact that I havenít touched them yet. Hahaha.

Gerda, honestly Iíve found that reflecting on the past has been helpful. Not that Iím stuck there at all, but I continue to learn from that failed relationship and itís beneficial.


I will say, this was a really good Monday. I worked 10 hours, went and got my dog for makeup time since he was with ex
For thanksgiving, then hosted a work gathering for a few more hours and got to come back to my playful pup. It was pure heaven!

Last night I went to bed actually feeling genuinely grateful that this divorce process has gone as slow as it has because I do feel like I got some control back. I want this divorce, itís the best thing for me. Thereís no way on earth I would go back and I choose that.

If this divorce happened any sooner, I would have felt like he still controlled the situation and I was robbed of the marriage. If it happened any sooner I suspect I would have had some bitterness to work through.

I think heís a (insert expletive) and Iím glad to be done with it. T-minus 10 days until itís over for good!!


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2874548
12/04/19 10:43 AM
12/04/19 10:43 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,687
Massachusetts
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congrats Pax on your hard-earned peace of mind. good for you! very proud of you!! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
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