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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Hola! Just popping in to say hello.

I just got back from a week-long medical mission in the Caribbean last night and am currently napping the day away. As expected, it was a very meaningful experience. Lots of work, but very impactful. My soul needed it and I also needed an ego check to put things into perspective. I had been struggling with a few things related to my real job for several weeks, and admittedly I needed to immerse myself in this to give me a reality check. Plus I just like volunteering and giving back. Before leaving, I had been really frustrated with many things that, at the end of the day, don’t matter. They just don’t. Who cares if I don’t get credit for a project when there are people in this world who never will be in this position, who don’t even have running water! God, my life is good and I need to appreciate all of it.

Anyway, two days ago, at sunrise, I was in a tiny motorboat on my way to a reef to go snorkel before we wrapped up clinic. I was staring at the scenery and sparkling blue water and ex popped into my head for some reason. I hadn’t thought about him once the whole week. It was nice to forget about the reality of the divorce for a bit and I long for the day that it will officially be behind me. I had realized that when I thought of him I felt nothing. It might have been the environment, but there I was cruising through the waters and I was checking myself for emotion. I felt NOTHING. No sadness, anger, nothing. It was weird, but good. I’ve definitely made emotional progress with all of this (only took 5 years. Hahaha)

The snorkeling was great... came out with 20+ jelly fish stings but they were the small zingers.... the sting didn’t linger too long and now it just looks like I have an assortment of bug bites all over my body. The stings, coupled with mosquito bites, and a couple bruises and scrapes make me look like I’ve been through stuff.

Speaking of stuff- I met Bob Marleys sister. Woah that woman is a ray of light. She was singing a song on the piano (she’s crazy talented), and then came up and gave me a huge hug. She grabbed my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, you’ve been through stuff. You’ve been enlightened. I see it in you. I’ve been through stuff, I’ve been enlightened. You keep that with you always. (And then she got a little woo-woo), but anyway, that is a moment I will remember for the rest of my light.


I was supposed to be with my dog today, but ex decided it no longer worked for him. He’s a POS, but he’s no longer my POS. I’m not fighting this particular instance... I don’t feel the need to. He doesn’t rile me up. Yes I love my dog and yes I want to see him, but I’m not willing to die on this hill right now. I hope to have the court stuff outlined so he can’t do this.

That’s all I got for now. Life is good.


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Pax, so happy to see your update. I love the happiness and light it shows. I love that you didn't let him use the dog to hurt you yet again. It really is all he has at this point. I hope that he will quickly figure out that it isn't working and let you have your dog when you are supposed to.

I know what you mean about feeling nothing. I had that same thought today. Far different from the numbness at the beginning. This is a good nothing. Just a small object in the rearview mirror nothing.

Hope the divorce wraps up soon and with no more drama.

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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Thank you own!

Things have changed. It all takes time. I feel like myself again. It’s nice that I’m not struggling as much financially since ex was sanctioned 3 times and is basically covering my legal fees (for now). I felt very stuck for a long time. The situation was quite dire, and now I’m back... not totally free yet, but I’m back to myself.

Anyway, I was working on a presentation this evening and looking for a photo (yessssss I add pics of my dog to my PowerPoints..... when relevant, of course wink ) and I came across some old photos of ex that I couldn’t bring myself to delete way back when. And now..... they are gone! I felt it was time and so I deleted, deleted, deleted. I did get sad when going through some of the pics because I could remember the fear and sadness at the time. So much sadness. It was so painful going through it. Ugh. Just awful. I looked at our photos from our last anniversary dinner together. He had no emotion in those eyes. You could tell he was gone. That was the night he said- if we’re not pregnant in two months there’s no point in being married.

Looking at where I’m at right now—- That statement above makes me sad. I’m starting to accept that I might not be in a position to have biological children and should maybe think of adopting. At the same time that really opens me up to refocusing on going back to school and doubling down on career aspirations. I don’t know. My birthday is in a couple weeks and I’m no closer to being in a relationship or being a mom. I have to accept this.... it’s tough.

Other than that, I feel like I’ve landed on my feet and I’m ok.


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Look at the mind games your XH has played with the dog. Can you imagine what a D would've been like if you and your XH had a child? I absolutely think a D would've happened too, by the way - a person who can do what he's done was never going to be able to last the distance required for a long term marriage. He is broken and a baby would have only made it worse.

I think if you focus on what you can actually, definitely do without the help of anybody else you are going to be in a great position when the Universe comes knocking. By then, you'll be well and truly good to go.


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Originally Posted by devvo
Look at the mind games your XH has played with the dog. Can you imagine what a D would've been like if you and your XH had a child? I absolutely think a D would've happened too, by the way - a person who can do what he's done was never going to be able to last the distance required for a long term marriage. He is broken and a baby would have only made it worse.

I think if you focus on what you can actually, definitely do without the help of anybody else you are going to be in a great position when the Universe comes knocking. By then, you'll be well and truly good to go.


^^ couldn't have said it better myself!

Glad you are feeling back to yourself Pax... you have been through a ton! Keep it up!

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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Hey devvo and pinn. I definitely agree wholeheartedly that ex doesn’t have it in him to sustain a long term relationship. And yes, having a child with him would have been an absolute nightmare. It would have been pure torture to deal with child custody.
I’m grateful that I didn’t have human children with him and I’m sorry my dog has to be shepherded back and forth but i think he enjoys his life.


Anyway, what a sad evening. I had to commute via the train today and on the way home, we accidentally hit a cyclist and this person didn’t make it. I got a bit flustered that people were moaning and groaning that they were going to be stuck on the train for hours and hours while someone was literally fighting for their life right on the other side of the doors. It was so sad but I was a little disgusted by the lack of compassion. Where’s the humanity, people?!?!? Ugh. I’m sad for society. Kind of need some love right now and wish I had someone to give a big hug to. I’m grateful I got to come home tonight... even if it was a couple hours late. Someone else wasn’t so fortunate.

Last edited by Pax_luv; 09/27/19 05:32 AM.

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Sorry that you had to witness both the accident and its aftermath. All we can do is try to do better ourselves.

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Hello there,
I continue to post less and less and am finding it more and more challenging to keep up with threads. That’s the sign of progress, I guess. It’s a good thing.

Having a hard time falling asleep so I thought I would journal here. In terms of the divorce, We’re getting closer to the mandatory settlement. If you’ve followed along, you know I’ve tried to play a clean karma game this whole time. I had to be very firm on the legal side of things to protect myself from my ex. Funny, He thinks I’ve played every game in the book and I’m a gold digger because I haven’t succumbed to his demands. Oh well. I know the truth. Interestingly enough, it was about a month ago, he got mad at me for dropping off the dog late (12 minutes) and gave me a big earful and was yelling at me from the porch. I didnt apologize like the old pax would do, and he ended up telling me that I was being passive aggressive. I actually thought this was amusing. I don’t react to him at all anymore and now I’m passive aggressive. Oh well. Think all you want buddy! Sad that I’m actually to the point of complete indifference.

Going back to why I’m here. (And I can’t remember if I shared this or not). As the years have gone on, I have become less afraid of sharing the details of my sitch out of fear of being found out. The truth is, this whole divorce has played out exactly as I expected it to so I Don’t feel like I have anything to lose. All that can happen now, is ex will find this site and then sue me for defamation of character or something. Heck, he sued my lawyer for making degrading comments about him in court. They were all true, by the way. The case was thrown out because by law, ex couldn’t sue my lawyer.

Anyway...

In my settlement proposal, my lawyer did put a dig in there outlining all the money that ex paid to another woman... the same woman who’s abortion he funded.... the same woman who pretty much had my ex in tears because he was so upset that she didn’t ask him to keep the baby. That poor woman was a struggling actress and it would ruin her career if she had a baby. (You can’t tell but I’m being very sarcastic as I type this out).

So, my lawyer thought it should be documented so he can pay back the community for misuse of funds. I actually agree, but it’s a low blow on my part. And that’s not usually how I act. We haven’t submitted it yet but I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not it should be included. Hmmmmm. Again... nothing to lose. He was responsible for his actions during the marriage. What a charmer.


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Pax, glad you are feeling more comfortable in sharing more.

What is to be gained by outing the abortion expense? I have no idea how much they cost, but I'm guessing not significant. If your gut is saying don't do it, then I would go with that. How you feel about yourself is far more important than what he thinks about you or feeling the need to get back at him in some way. If you do list it, why not put "third party medical expense" so that it shows you are focused on the money (which is your right) and not the salacious aspect of it. He knows that you know.

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Alienation of affection is a seldom used law and not available everywhere but does apply. There was an interesting recent case in British Columbia / Canada reported on CBC News where the OW was sued in small claims court for costs. I don't think it went much of anywhere but did proceed so perhaps establishes a precedent.

As OwnIt suggests though - is the materiality worth the pain? I think for many of us that we reach a point where we just want it to end and will walk away leaving things on the table. In my case limping because when my ex counter-offered my leg was kicked quite firmly by my lawyer who was frantically whispering "take it take it take it" wink


On BD
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BD-9-Mar-16
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I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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