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A Message from Michele
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Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 #2843309
03/25/19 05:20 PM
03/25/19 05:20 PM
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Pax_luv Online OP
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Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2843315
03/25/19 05:38 PM
03/25/19 05:38 PM
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Pax_luv Online OP
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OneArt,
Thanks for the reply on my last thread. This is the second time heís been sanctioned and yep the judge has gotten wise to the antics. Thank goodness.


So, just a personal reflection...
Iíve spent the last close to 4 years becoming a woman only a fool would leave. I think Iíve done a pretty good job thus far but know I will always be a work in progress.

One of the things Iím not skilled at is keeping a balanced life. I find it hard to have work, gym, friends, extracurriculars etc all balanced. So, Iím someone who focuses on certain buckets for weeks at a time. But I end up stressing myself out since I canít keep all slices of the pie the same. For example, Iíll spend time focusing on the gym and then get stressed out because Iím not focusing on my social life, so then I redirect attention and then the gym goes by the wayside. I know thereís things I could do better to balance it out. 100% I know itís me, but itís something Iím working on.


With that I have been wanting to go back to school for a while now. I just canít decide if I want a PhD or a masters in a different field. I like school and I wouldnít mind going back... I canít afford it right now, I would have to get a loan.... but Iím wasting my time. Notice the direct contradiction of what I stated above!!!

Anyway, i know if I go to school, other parts of my life will go by the wayside. And...... another big thing that I have not prioritized is dating. I want a baby daddy eventually because Iím not getting younger and my eggs are drying up by the second, but I havenít made it a priority to go out and meet anyone.

So what does this mean? I need to be better at balancing and I need to put myself out there. I think even if Iím interested in someone, I still owe it to myself to date multiple people just to understand whatís really out there. I donít dislike dating, I just havenít prioritized it.

Ok, so thatís a bunch of ramblings that make no sense. I guess at the end of the day, this is all a blessing to have too many good things to keep integrated into a balanced life.

So with that... what do you think is the best dating app for a busy professional, who is old fashioned, and wants to avoid creepers?


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2843364
03/26/19 12:04 AM
03/26/19 12:04 AM
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kml Online
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You're young so whatever apps the young people are using would be beneficial - doubt eHarmony would be good for someone your age for instance.

I've used OkCupid with halfway decent results (I say halfway because I've dated several guys who I really enjoyed but all have been flawed - still, that may be a function of my age, lol, being in my 60's now).

As for life balance - is there a sporting activity you enjoy that is also social and involves men? That might kill 3 birds with one stone, no? I'm thinking a bicycling group, or salsa dancing, or rock climbing (or hey, if you live in/near a snowy climate, cross-country skiing - the men are buff and non-pretentious and when I tried it years ago, the ratio of men to women was super high!) Check out meetup.com for ideas?

As for grad school - be very clear on your reasons for wanting to go back. Will it significantly enhance your job satisfaction? Will it pay off in terms of dollars and cents?

Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2843956
03/31/19 03:02 AM
03/31/19 03:02 AM
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Hey KML, thanks for the suggestions.
I still havenít pulled the trigger on the OLD. For some reason, Iíve become very untrusting of the sites and people on them. . I know itís me and I should just do it. I used match a couple years ago (1yr post split and had good interactions). Sadly I just canít afford it right now! I think my hesitation is just some more residual stuff from my sitch, but trust Iím ready to push through.

So itís another riveting night at the house oí Pax. It was an absolutely gorgeous day today and I was able to spend some time outdoors. It was nice.

I decided to spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning up my closet and putting the winter stuff away. I have wayyyyy too much crap/ clothes. I need to get rid of at least 50% of my belongings and even then, I know Iíd still have a ton of clothes. I have a medium size apartment that has a walk in closet. Itís not huge by any means but it is filled to the brim with stuff. In addition to clothes and shoes, it has my various size backpacks, purses, luggage, sleeping bags, etc. And that does not bring me joy! Iím all about the kon Mari and I know that clutter blocks my good energy! I need to pull the trigger there as well to overhaul the wardrobe. The thing is, I actually do wear a lot of clothes. For work, I mostly wear suiting, which is just a lot of pieces. I have a lot of blazers and they are heavy and take up a lot of room. Then, I have my workout clothes. I have a lot of work out clothes!! Itís needed when you do 2-a-days. Then I have my lounge clothes for when Iím vegging at home. Then I have my weekend clothes which is also lounge clothes that I donít mind wearing in public, jeans, or sundresses, etc and the occasional ďgoing outĒ attire and cocktail dresses for my after hour events. Bleh. Itís too much.

Iíve toyed with the idea of getting rid of all my pants and blouses so I could just get by wearing dresses and blazers. It doesnít get too cold in the winter here and I usually can make do with knee high boots and trench coats to keep warm. But as I look at some of my outfits, I realize that i do like them and I want to keep them. Bla bla bla.

Anyway...if your eyes arenít bleeding yet from reading that nonsense.... itís just all part of the journey of recreating a life that brings us lbsís true joy and peace and meaning in the long run.


In addition to the very important apparel musings... Iíve also been sorting out some upcoming trips. Iím super excited to be invited back on a medical mission in the fall. Iím very much looking forward to that. Also my bestie just invited me to join her on her trip to Maui in the summer. She has a time share and will have a room going completely unused so she offered it up to me. I would just have to fork up the air faire. I would love to make it happen. I have 13 weeks of vacation on the books that I should definitely use! Just hoping my financials are in a better place by summer.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2844123
04/01/19 04:42 PM
04/01/19 04:42 PM
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My Monday is starting off with a great chuckle courtesy of ex.

Many years ago when this all started, I went to a psychic (ok multiple psychics- donít judge), because I would do ANYTHING to get a better grasp on my situation. I was spinning and going crazy because I hadnít learned about this ďstuffĒ nor have I ever dealed with such severe gaslighting. Iím recalling one night where I was just so distraut over everything that was happening and my ex is telling me that i broke his heart. (uhhhhh come again? I broke your heart... what exactly did I do again?? He was the one who was chasing his happiness and throwing out ultimatums left and right).

I digress.

Anyway, i met with one psychic and she knew nothing about me or why I was there. Right off the bat, she said she could tell that one person was bringing me a lot of sadness. I said yes. She said, heís older than me but Iím the more mature one. She said he was emotionally very immature and he was going to be this way for a long time. After we discussed what actually was going on, she said he would grow up eventually but it wouldnít be for a really really long time. Years and years.

Back to today- I was doing my normal dog swap and there were two ladies (possibly a mother daughter pair, but both grown women) were leaving the property at the same time. Whether they were leaving from my house or the rental flat, I donít know nor care.

Normally I leave my dog off leash and he goes up to the door to go inside. But since these two ladies were out, i put on his leash to keep him close by should he choose to run up to the ladies.

So, the dog walks up to the door and Iím bending down to get him unhooked but he just runs inside. I was like, dog let me unhook you, but too late. The dog ran inside and ex shut the door on me. Well, itís a retractable leash. So I can hear the dog pulling away from the other side of the door while the leash handle is still in my hand.

Iím thinking like, really ex, you canít just open the door and take the leash???? Whatever!! So I put the leash down and walk away thinking what a child!!!

So, I get to my car, and I hear the door open with the leash quickly retracting back to the handle. It hits the tile with a loud crash. I turn around and see ex quickly door shuts and the leash is just sitting there now on the stoop.

He really is a juvenile. What great lengths he must go to in order to avoid me. Whatever. Reminds me of the time we ended up at the vets office at the same time and he wouldnít take off his sunglasses indoors so he didnít have to make eye contact. He also stood as far away from me as humanly possible. That sure must take some effort.


Oh well. I keep picturing it like a cartoon scenario! It was really funny and rediculous from my vantage point. #manchild


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2844126
04/01/19 04:56 PM
04/01/19 04:56 PM
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I swear Pax, I know mine is a real gem, but yours really takes the cake. How can there still be so much hostility? I suppose it likely relates to his unsuccessful court efforts but still. I constantly remind myself that the opposite of love is indifference, and when they still have so much hate, they are the ones that are having problems letting go.

Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2844288
04/02/19 10:53 PM
04/02/19 10:53 PM
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Sounds like heís instigating and trying to get a reaction out of you. Your shows of indifference bother him cause he thrives on conflict. So keep up the good work! Itís about him not about you. I started reading a very quick book called the Four Agreements thatís from the Barnes and Noble spiritual section and one of the agreements is ďdonít take anything personallyĒ cause itís not about you. Sorry you are going through this.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2844782
04/07/19 04:09 PM
04/07/19 04:09 PM
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Hi Pax - eye roll on that leash story. So silly.

Sounds like you are doing well. Keep going!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2845317
04/12/19 06:51 AM
04/12/19 06:51 AM
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One, juju, and hawho. Thanks for the replies. Good to hear from you.

Sadly... The man is so far out of orbit, there just arenít any words.

Itís a little late over here and I canít sleep. I have a little bit of excitement I think. Weíre finalizing up the details of the next medical mission and Iím just really looking forward to the volunteer experience.

I was thinking about where my heart and mind were during the last time I went on this mission trip (2 years ago) and it blows my mind how much people can and do change over time. I say it on here all the time, but once youíve been hanging out here for a few years while doing the work, it is nice to take a look in the rear view mirror and see how far youíve come.

While I was reflecting, I had a slight panic because I thought I missed my divorce anniversary and just didnít remember it at all. Haha. That was awesome! Itís actually a few more weeks away. Yep... Iím at the 1 year mark, and yet I still donít have the judgement because their side never submitted it (its since been ordered by the court) and i still donít have a settlement. Itís almost comical the s-show this has become. At least Iím at a place (right now) where I can sit back with some popcorn while watching this crazy story continue to unfold.

Been a quiet week legal-wise. The last week had a lot of stuff going about. The accountants have dug deep enough and are now uncovering a ton of info. It leads to more questions than answers, and definitely puts ex in the hot seat. He has some explaining to do.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Re: Divorce and Acceptance Part 4 [Re: Pax_luv] #2845498
04/13/19 11:03 PM
04/13/19 11:03 PM
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Itís so crazy what gets uncovered. The worst projectors are the ones with the biggest secrets. I went through 5 years of cc statements and 3 years of bank withdrawals and discovered alcoholism and a most likely very expensive drug habit he was keeping secret. I stopped seeking, when my lawyer bills got too expensive and I assumed he had nothing to warrant the legal cost of it was being spent on drugs, but a part of me worried ďwhat if he was hiding money from me for 3 years and not spending it on drugs?

Anyway, it sounds like his amo was a strong offense cause he has so much to be defensive over. I hope things work out as well as they can for you.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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