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Yes, that's exactly what I meant by 'exiting the highway' smile I think I am going through periods of feeling that I am available and then retreating from it... kinda like you but in a different way wink

I have always said that the heart takes longer to catch up to where you mind is. I see that in your mind you're there, but your heart is still lagging behind. I believe that's normal and I don't cosign to the idea that it should take x number of years to get to a place of equilibrium. I think that time is a vehicle and our hearts drive it with the speed that is comfortable to each of us. I think that the intellectual processing and taking wider perspectives assist in the process, but emotionally we need the process to unfold with a degree of purpose and intentionality.

I think you might benefit from some IC at this point. On an alternative route, have you ever considered going on a silent meditation retreat for a few days? I think that could be immensely helpful. The only insight I have is that whenever I have taken a significant amount of time to just be with my thoughts and emotions without any other sensory input and distractions, it has provided a great deal of clarity.


No one is coming to save you!

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Blu, hi and thank you for all your insight.
I have read all you have posted on your journey from beginning to end.
I have posted on here, but gone quiet, a little like you I read and read threads for hours. I reached out because I know I am doing a did service to myself. I like you somehow know that my husband will come back well that's what my but says. I like you have beggef, pleaded, lashed out in anger God how can one person rip your soul apart.
But what I am feeling now is that I have gone so far that I have detached completely well no that's not true, but I am becoming a complete b##ch the otherway. I cannot wait for wh to leave after he drops the kids off. In fact I get so nervous around him I shake. It feels like I am waiting for another bd from wh.
I am in ic and working on my self esteem and confidence, but don't want to do it around my wh.

Thank you for everything you have posted, journey has been long, but you have a strength in you. That I am in awe of

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Hello everyone,

Perhaps I'll take a break from swinging 2*4s on your threads and update my own.

I think I have made some small progress recently. I am becoming more accepting of how much of my happiness in my relationship is my own doing, mainly how I think about things and where I focus my thoughts. I realize that the way I think about and talk about my H and my M, very much molds the direction and thus outcome. I have always known this to be true, but I have not felt that I can control thought-stopping negative thinking. It makes a big difference in my Rs and how I come across to those around me. I think my own thinking is what has the largest impact in my M.

For example, if I continue to think about the past, things he has done/said that I don't like, or making mental lists of why this piecing won't work, I feel negatively about him. The negativity can easily affect my feelings about him and thus how I treat him. When I focus on his strong suits and the positives, I feel more accepting of him and optimistic about the future. It's almost as if I have complete control and he is still waiting a bit, but not stopping and waiting, he seems okay when I disengage.

If I were to list out all the reasons this M could never work and why he wasn't the right partner for me, I could be rather convincing. Conversely, I could also explain what a good man he is, a devoted H and father, and how hard he has worked to look inward and make positive changes. So what I am explaining is that neither option is wrong or right, the answer lies in the direction that I choose. This may not be true for all of us, but for those of us that have two willing partners, the ways of thinking can either make or break the outcome of the R.

On a more practical level, there have been a couple things (more like complaints) that I have had about H for many years. I am vocal about my complaints and he knows what they are. Well, the main one he is now addressing. I have said it and said it. The other day, I learned that he is taking some steps towards positive changes. He isn't just making empty promises or talking about it anymore, I can now see he is doing the work part. I like that.

So I have decided that even if the "changes" don't work out in his favor or stick, his willingness to listen to me and to address it counts for something. It counts for a lot. More so, he continues to show me someone that understands compromise and commitment. I think I am fortunate to have a partner like that. I recognize -- IRL and reading here -- that many people do not have a partner like that. So for now, I am not over analyzing his past mistakes, but I am accepting what is in front of me today. That is my goal. As much as my sitch hurt me, and us, I try and find the silver linings like this because it makes it easier to accept.

It's going to be a busy summer of travel and kid's sports/camps and another big vacay out of the country. I am going to try and make the best of it for now. Happy summer!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Blu,

Thanks for the update! I just wanted to let you know how great it is to have your unique perspective on here. It sure seems like most people who do R, don't then hang around these boards. And it's understandable, as this place can be a reminder of some very dark times. But it is great to hear about the reality, the continued struggle, that is life after R. So, thanks!


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Yes, thank you Blu!!


M: 22, T: 27
Three Children
BD: 12/15/18
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Blu that has to be by far the best balanced healthy approach and mindsets about how thoughts whether positive or negative, leads to attitudes and feelings, which lead to healthy action, dynamics, and responses, and totally employs the power of forgiveness. Plus although it might not control it, it shapes our realities of how people perceive us. Its simple too. Although we tend to make things complex. I am going to print that post out, and use it as a daily reminder if what and how I want to change.

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Always love the updates from you Blu! Great to see another solid update and how things are going with you. Glad to hear H is making serious effort in areas that you wanted to see changes in. Also sounds like a fantastic summer coming up. Make the best of the famjam time and take it in smile


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Blu, you know where I come from. It´s hard for the LBS but it´s hard for everbody indeed. You both are respecting each other. What counts there is the present time you are both living and the future you are jointly facing.

(((Blu)))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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Ahhhh, thank you, guys. I appreciate all of the support. I am going to keep updating as best I can, even if there is not much new or interesting info to add.

I am finding that posting here lately is less of a trigger for me and more of a positive challenge. As someone else told me, when we give others advice it also forces us to think if we are taking our own advice. Im really trying to do that.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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I just realized that this is my 1000th post. And what better post than to share this amazing update from MTN, who is coming back after 15 years since her BD. What a gem of a find for me this morning. Please read her inspirational story. We can all learn from her!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2857282&#Post2857282

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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