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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I take my phone to the bathroom with me all the time. It used to be the paper or a magazine, but now it's a phone. It's more about the secretive, guarded phone behavior than anything. And password protected doesnt necessarily mean anything either bc I have a password to keep strangers out of my phone, not to hide an affair.

OB,

The question was for Choppy about his W. Not sure why you responded about you on his thread?

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Thanks Steve85


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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I take my phone to the bathroom with me all the time. It used to be the paper or a magazine, but now it's a phone. It's more about the secretive, guarded phone behavior than anything. And password protected doesnt necessarily mean anything either bc I have a password to keep strangers out of my phone, not to hide an affair.


It is more about changes in behavior. Phone and bathroom behavior included.


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Awesome Steve

Thx for the good vibes


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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I take my phone to the bathroom with me all the time. It used to be the paper or a magazine, but now it's a phone. It's more about the secretive, guarded phone behavior than anything. And password protected doesnt necessarily mean anything either bc I have a password to keep strangers out of my phone, not to hide an affair.

OB,

The question was for Choppy about his W. Not sure why you responded about you on his thread?

To make a point that a password and taking a phone to the bathroom doesn't confirm suspicions of an affair.

If it is a change in behavior, then yes I agree with Steve that it doesn't look good.


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It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Steve

What did you do? Apply the 180, Last resort and be the best you could and what for time to pass and her to come around?

She is 9 years younger (37) and is hung up on a fairy tale marriage and has compared us to another couple who are good friends that she thinks "always" get each other. I know for a fact that she is wrong bc talking with both of them together and separate about our sich they have and have had issues and stuck it out.

I wish the wife of the other couple that she occasionally talk with would just lay it out and say stick it out and work on it.


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Even if the wife of your friend told her to stick it out, your W may not listen. Either way, it's out of your hands.

Work on all your 180s. Start doing things you enjoy, and do them a lot. Figure out who you are and who you really want to be. Learn to detach your emotions from her and act from your morals. It's not easy .


H 34
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It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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OB,

I am just trying to open his eyes to what is most likely going on. I just thought it was odd that you would play it off as normal behavior.

Choppy,

Please answer the question. Can you think of any reason your W has a password protected phone that she keeps with her at all times including in the bathroom?

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Choppy, yes I fully threw myself into DBing. GAL (which was never a problem for me, but I doubled down on it), 180s (I had a lot of bad behaviors to correct), and detaching. I struggled to detach, like most LBSs do. I read a book that opened my eyes to true detachment, referring to it as self-differentiation in marriage (Google that). Once I got good at differentiation and loving, emotional detachment, my situation turned around. And quickly.

Please note, my sitch was EXTREMELY rare in how quickly it resolved itself. I think part of that was that part of it was brought on by her impending 50th birthday. Once her birthday came and went, along with the changes I instituted, she seemed to come out of her fog relatively quickly. Please do not expect your W to turnaround that fast, it is EXTREMELY rare. I even hesitate to mention it most of the time as to not give LBSs overambitious expectations. You may need to DB for months or years. And it may never work on your spouse, but I guarantee you that it will work on you!

Everyone that DBs comes out a better person, whether they save their marriage or not. And they are much better prepared for their next relationship.


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The kids have grabbed it in the past to play games on and they have watched her do the swipe code and as many people do to play Words with Friends while doing some business


Me. 46
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Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
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