Married 7, together 10, 2 kids, 4 and 6. Been on the rocks since August and in separate bedrooms since December. I was following Mort Fortels's CD and plan and have read the DB book twice. We live together and co parent just fine and have been conflict free for about a month. No fights, just being, watching TV on the couch together etc just not much talking and no intimacy.
Last night she bring up one of getting an apartment for space so we can move on with our lives. She has brought of the D a couple of times and I told her that she will have to be the one to file bc I believe our communication issues can be worked on and improved and a great reconnection can be made if we move forward.
She says she does not to be with me and too much has happened to work it out, the old i love you but bla bla, I need space to miss you. Should I just ignore it all and keep being my best?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Yep got all of the above and I thought we were moving well towards being ok and then up pops the moving on with our lives conversation.
She said maybe one of us should get an apt. which would strain us financially and her parents live 1/2 mile away but she would be away from the boys. Some how she doesn't get it that I would be away from them too.
I guess I just wanted to confirm the "not believing what they are saying" and watch how they are doing and just stay the course.
She says that our arguments have pushed her away and thinks we have grown apart. I have thought there was someone else but I cannot confirm that there is unless I outwardly ask to see her phone and text messages. But if i'm wrong that would just add fuel to the fire.
Don't know what else to say. I thought everything was ok and then last summer it got rough and withdrawn after a big argument. Everyone has fights and we were no different. Not all the time but every couple of months over something I can't even remember what they were about.
she swears there is no one else and a good female friend that was my friend first says the same thing.
Choppy, when you get a chance can you give us more details, and background. As you know, Mort is fond of saying, "You can't fix in days and weeks what it took you months and years to get into." So what were the dynamics over the years that led you to this point?
I too did a combination of Mort's program and DBing. I think that Mort offers a lot of good insight into the mind of the "obstinate spouse", or what we would call the WAS. I also think he makes good points about not laser focusing on the problems in the marriage. What I think you have to be careful with that program is pressure and pursuit. And a lot of what he suggests is pressure and pursuit. Date night? Right after BD the last thing my W wanted was to go out on a date with me! Talk and touch charges are great, but not right away. You have to give the WAS time and space first. There comes a time when you can do those.
But he does have a lot of good advice, and a lot of good insight. I am happy to have found his program.
But Divorce Remedy is where it is at! DBing is the best approach because it focuses on you, not her. That should be your number one mantra.....focus on me....not her.
Also, you need to 180 on any poor behavior that contributed to your current sitch. You need to get out and GAL like a madman. And you need to detach. And work hard on that detachment, and get better at it over time.
M(51), W(52),D(16) M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry you are here. She is following the Wayward Wife script to a T. Same thing my WW did. Started telling me that I was pushing her away, which I was because I was pursuing her, that I was smothering her, that she needed space etc.
All blamed on me. I was being gaslighted to the max and she was/is sleeping with her boss. WW's don't need space to "move on". They want their own space so they can have a private place to screw other men. Again, sorry you are experiencing this.
Just follow everything you read here. Drop all expectations that your relationship is going to survive. Take a huge step back. Stop pursuing.
If you are suspicious and find something you will just hurt yourself badly. Even if you catch her doing something and cheating she will lie and blame you for it. So just start the DB. Focus on yourself. Stop all pursuit. Make decisions and do things that make you happy. Its time to fulfill yourself. Get healthy, do the big 180 and act completely different than you used to.
Stay cordial. Set boundaries. Follow through if the boundaries are broken. I elected to welcome a divorce from my WW because of how badly she treated me in addition to cheating on me. It hurts man. You will live. You will get through this. Keep posting here. If you want to talk to her about something, post here and get feedback. If she starts talking to you about anything, post it here and get feedback before you respond.
This place is gold. It will help you a lot.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I asked the boys last night if anyone would like to take the dog for a walk with all the awesome remaining light now and all. One said yes the other said no who she was cuddling with and then she decides to come.
She has complained recently that she likes when I'm out of the house sailing or running or when she is at work but then has the out to chill wo me but decides to come. Then on the walk I try to ask about a work project and I get a snide snicker and curt answer.
Can't figure it out but never giving up.
Past issues that she has brought up that lead to where we are now is us arguing every couple of months and both of yelling. Nothing vicious just loud voices about what ever it was. She walks away and I follow. Unfortunetly now I know with tone and volume..