A caring father would ask after his sick children. My Youngest was off school sick yesterday and H immediately called me and let me know what was happening. Things are tough between us right now and I wasn't allowing him into my house, but yesterday we called a temporary truce and he looked after Youngest in the house for the morning while I went to work, then I came home and took over in the afternoon and he went home. He asked about him in the evening and first thing this morning. I could say a LOT about my H's behaviour - that's for another time - but he acted yesterday as any normal father should have done.
And he couldn't have done that three or four months ago. He just didn't have the capacity. He was totally empty. People can't give what they don't have. I guess your husband just has nothing to give right now. It is horrible and it is not okay and whether he is mad or sick or depressed or hates you, it changes nothing about his responsibility to his children. But that's what you're working with. Guilt probably has a major part to do with it. And when you feel guilty, you can either face yourself, or go into denial, blame others and avoid the things that make you feel guilty.
I believe he's being told so many things by his coworkers and the ow that he doesn't know what to think or do. I offer for him to see the children whenever he wants just to give me a heads up. I asked if he would like me to drop the kids off at his parents on Father's day so he can see them but no response from him. He had a weeks vacation from work and I said to let me know when he would like to see them, I never heard from him so he spent no extra time with them. We are now dealing with custody because he was made I wont allow him to have the children around the OW or her to teenage sons. He would come visit on wednesdays and I would leave for Bible study so I wasn't around. He then refused to come on wednesdays if I would not allow him to take the children to her place. Mind you he does not have three car seats or a vehicle that will fit three car seats. I allow him to take my van when he takes our oldest to karate. What else am I suppose to do? I feel like i'm being very fair and accommodating, today has been a hard day and I'm super emotional. I do feel like him not trying to see the children more is not going to help him when he pleads his case in court.
Hi Sara79. I'm a STHM (stay at home mom) too. My daughter is 3. Let me start by saying, you are an awesome mom! I struggle with taking care of one kiddo, I can't even imagine caring for three under five, and you've got a disability too. I'm 47 with a 3 year old. That's my challenge! YOU are AMAZING MOMMA!
Regarding visitation, I'd say stick to dropping the kids off at his parents. Gives the grandparents a chance to visit with the kids too. Maybe arrange this, and if he wants to see his kids on Father's Day, it's on him to show up. As long as the kids aren't expecting to see their dad. Maybe just say it's a visit to the grandparents. Tell H your plan, and a time. If he doesn't respond, and the grandparents are okay with it, go ahead with your plan. If H doesn't reply or show up, it's on him.
Stay strong momma.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Thanks so much! It is hard with three, specially this week with them being sick. And I will be 40 next week so we are not that far apart in age. I don't communicate with his parents I sent the h the texts suggesting I take the children to his parents so he could visit with them on fathers day.
My h came tonight to take my oldest to karate he come about an hr early to spend time with all the kids. He’s there 15 minutes and he says I just realized what today is, my 40 th birthday. When he’s gone to karate my niece and sister stop, so I text him to give him a heads up they would be here. He tells the kids bye and I walk behind to the door to lock it he turns and says happy birthday very emotional with tears in his eyes. I said thanks and locked the door behind him. He’s the one that left out of the blue for another woman who he’s engaged to and living with, he just left in January. I have never begged him to stay, or tried to make him feel bad. I don’t call or text him he made his choice so live with it. What am I support to do when gets so upset? I don’t feel like I should comfort him. I have to think about myself and the kids and our life. Am I being cold hearted?
My h came tonight to take my oldest to karate he come about an hr early to spend time with all the kids. He’s there 15 minutes and he says I just realized what today is, my 40 th birthday. When he’s gone to karate my niece and sister stop, so I text him to give him a heads up they would be here. He tells the kids bye and I walk behind to the door to lock it he turns and says happy birthday very emotional with tears in his eyes. I said thanks and locked the door behind him. He’s the one that left out of the blue for another woman who he’s engaged to and living with, he just left in January. I have never begged him to stay, or tried to make him feel bad. I don’t call or text him he made his choice so live with it. What am I support to do when gets so upset? I don’t feel like I should comfort him. I have to think about myself and the kids and our life. Am I being cold hearted?
I agree with UC, what you did was perfect. His tears are probably due to some guilt surfacing, or may even have been faked as a temperature check (if it was a temp check you passed with flying colors!) He knows he's behaving like an ass and it upsets him now and then, but believe me he is going to keep right on doing it until he hits rock bottom.
Quote
What am I support to do when gets so upset? I don’t feel like I should comfort him.
You do exactly what you did. Ignore it and go your way and let him go his way. You absolutely should not comfort him. He's a lying cheater, and let's not forget he COMPLETELY FORGOT your birthday and I assume got you nothing, not even from the kids? He's a deadbeat. The loving husband you knew is gone and has been replaced by whoever he is now. The H you knew may be back some day, but for now you're dealing with the stranger and should act accordingly.
I realize he is in limerence and I believe its starting to crack . But I don't care, he made his choice and I have made mine. He can go cry to the ow. I think rock bottom is getting very close, but I'm not helping him pick up the pieces. I'm nice to him, I have never told him off or yelled at him since he has decided he wanted out. He has realized I'm ok without him and i can see the regret in him. But I can't go back I don't want him to have a chance to hurt me again. I know i can't say never because if it's Gods plan it will be...But I don't want him back, I want to continue on the road my kids and myself are on. I see great things for us.
That's great Sara, and I think that's a good attitude to have. If he decides to come back then he should have to do a lot of work to get back in your good graces, you shouldn't just throw the door open and roll out the red carpet. You should absolutely exercise a lot of caution. You are actually handling this really well!
Thanks, don't let me fool you though I was just in tears this morning. But I then read some affirmations or listen to some sermons and I can pull myself up. And although i have never told him off I have shared my feelings with my counselor and supportive friends so hes been called alot of things just not to his face.
