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#2839976 03/03/19 12:56 PM
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Sara79 Offline OP
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My H told me the beginning of January a woman at work had feelings for him and he also had feeling for her. He said his feelings for me changed, we have three small children 4,2 and 10 months. I am seeing a christian counselor, who has recommended this forum and he also said H is going through a MLC. The other woman was playing games with him, she is divorced 3 times and just recently moved out of boyfriends home a few months ago. She was dating another man and just now is with my husband after 2 months. I have never felt such pain and I'm scared. I'm a disabled stay at home mom so money is very tight. Im still in the home with the children hes living with his parents and hes still paying the bills and comes to see the kids. I try to leave when he comes as recommended by my counselor. They are already saying they love each other. Im 39, he's 45 she's 44 with grandkids. We really never fought and I have not begged him to stay, he did ask if I;d take him back but that was only because she rejected him after he felt. My husband is the only man i've been with and im so sad for my babies. Any advice is appreciated, I feel in my heart this wont last long but I cant believe he would do this do his family. What do I do?

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Hi Sara,

I am sorry you find yourself here. I will tell you this, the pain of such a betrayal will get better. The sooner you decide in you head (and not your heart) that you will work hard to feel better, the sooner it will happen. In Divorce Remedy, or maybe a Michele Weiner Davis podcast, she discussed the "Stop Sign" technique for managing negative emotions. It has worked well for me. When things get negative emotionally, imagine a big red stop sign. Pause, breathe, and think of a memory that bring a smile to your face. For me, that is running my boat on the lake or down in Florida, sun shining, 85 degrees, water spraying around, the bow rising and falling slightly, music going and a cold beer in my hand. See how that works? I'm literally smiling thinking about it right now.

I think it's horrible that his parents are taking him in, what a manchild. But this is one of those things that you can do nothing about, so you have to let it go and focus on something else. Lots of wayward spouses (WS) are seemingly "in love" with their OW (other woman), but it's a crock of you know what. You think either of them goes often without thinking of you? No. Y'all are married, your H thinks about you, the OW thinks about you and worries.

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he did ask if I;d take him back but that was only because she rejected him after he felt.
Can you explain this a little more? When, what, how everything was said. The OW rejected him?

Right now, what you do is detach from him emotionally. You go and get a life (GAL). You don't serve up cake to him. You learn, you read, you grow. You worry about what you can control and let go of what you can't.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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So sorry you are here Sara. We all know too well the pain that you are going through. Your situation sounds very painful and difficult. Try to keep your mind off the OW. Given her history, it likely will not last long. HOWEVER... understand that you do have some power in this. Whatever you do, do not try to talk your H into being with you. When he is with you, do not try to have an R talk...that will only push him toward her. As hard as it is to understand, he doesn’t want you right now so anything you do to try to convince him otherwise will only remind him of that and make you the “source” of all of his stress and negative feelings. If he feels copious amounts of guilt and sadness when he is around you, he will naturally want to run from you. Trust me... I did too much of this in the beginning and it did the opposite of what I wanted it to do. I will be divorced by the summer. Your H knows what he is doing is wrong. Let him sit with that and don’t reinforce his reasons by making things tough on him when he is around you. It feels very counterintuitive... I know. Doesn’t matter. It is the only chance you have.

Keep posting. Follow the advice of the vets on here and when you feel like doing something to try to bring your H back, DO NOTHING, and come and post on this board. This is going to be a long journey so prepare yourself. Use this time to work on yourself and make a life that is not dependent on your H. It is really hard in the beginning but it will get easier. I was a mess for months and didn’t believe it when people would tell me this. But...it is true. Time and distance helps - even when it is something we don’t want. (((HUGS)))

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Sorry you are here. You have a wayward husband, not really MLC. Read everything, especially Sandis posts on the wayward mindset.

Detach, focus on yourself and the kids. Stop worrying about him or what he does or trying to win him back. You cant control him. You are young and have a ton of life left and you deserve to be treated like you are valued and appreciated.

Again, read all of the links posted. Get the Divorce Remedy book. Your focus is not what you can try and do to win your WH back, but instead your focus needs to be on what makes you happy, what makes your kids happy and being mentally healthy.

Detaching helps with the emotional rollercoaster. It works very well. Its going to suck and hurt badly for a while, but you will feel better I promise.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
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I was able to see messages on an old phone he left here that still worked so I could see messages on messenger he does not know this. I happened to see him messaging coworkers females because he has no friends really. He was asking why the ow would lead him on then go be with another guy, he was saying he was madly in love with her and didn't want to live without her. He was also texting me at the same time saying he hit rock bottom and he thinks he made a mistake. The next day he asked if I would consider taking him back and I said you need to figure out whats going on with you. I didn't say no but I didn't say yes I said we could work on it. And I also said I thought it was only because he wasn't with her like he thought he would be. He never made an effort to seek help and then he started talking to her again, and now they are in a relationship.

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Thank you,
The only reason I said MLC is because that is what my counselor said my H was going through. I have not tried to get him back, when he comes to see the kids I leave to go run, we do not talk about our relationship at all, he said he's done and tha'ts it. I'm having a hard time I feel like such an emotional mess. I can't believe he can just move on so fast. And that I meant so little to him.

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How long does it take to start feeling ok? I feel like it's hr by hr.

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Originally Posted by Sara79
He was asking why the ow would lead him on then go be with another guy, he was saying he was madly in love with her and didn't want to live without her. He was also texting me at the same time saying he hit rock bottom and he thinks he made a mistake.


He sounds like a hot mess. Are you familiar with the term "limerence"? Google it if you're not. Right now he's in the limerence phase with OW. OW sounds like a serial cheater, he is just the latest in a long line of her little flings. She sounds like a woman I knew who was addicted to the thrill and excitement of pitting multiple men against each other and the "danger" of almost getting caught at it all the time. He may think they are "back together" but I bet she will pull him in and push him away continuously.

Right now you are Plan B to him. Every time she pushes him away he'll come whimpering back to you right until OW casts him a line again, and then off he will go. Your goal is to not let yourself be Plan B. Work on yourself. Leave him alone. Don't pursue him in any way, shape or form. You mentioned you are disabled but not what type of disability, one important aspect of DB'ing is GAL'ing. If you have physical limitations then that might limit your GAL activities but I'm sure you can find something. Take a painting class, or sculpting. Contact old friends. Make new ones. Become a member at the local museum. Learn to sing, or a foreign language. Join a gym (even if you have physical restrictions most gyms can tailor a program to fit within your limits). The sky is the limit. Be creative.

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The next day he asked if I would consider taking him back and I said you need to figure out whats going on with you. I didn't say no but I didn't say yes I said we could work on it.


That's a pretty good response!

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He never made an effort to seek help and then he started talking to her again, and now they are in a relationship.


Be patient, I doubt it'll last and he'll be coming back around again. Try and be hard to get, you don't want to be too easily available to him.

Originally Posted by Sara79
How long does it take to start feeling ok? I feel like it's hr by hr.


It varies from person-to-person. I thought I was doing a lot better after a month or so. Then about 3 months after BD I was suddenly struck with severe depression and anxiety attacks. I ended up on anti-depressants for a while. I would say I wasn't truly feeling like my old, normal self until 5 or 6 months post BD. Be patient with yourself, it's a very rough thing to go through and it turns your life upside down for a while! Take it a day at a time or an hour at a time, whatever you can handle. Don't worry about the future for now, just get through each day.

The unique thing about this board is we are not a bunch of counselors. We've been through this (or are going through it) ourselves. We can help you, so hang in there and keep posting!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by Sara79
I can't believe he can just move on so fast. And that I meant so little to him.

MLC is not about you, its about him.
Try not to take it personally.

You did not break him and you can not FIX him.

All you can do is work on yourself.

Originally Posted by Sara79
How long does it take to start feeling ok? I feel like it's hr by hr.

Sometimes that is all you can do is take it minute by minute and hour by hour,
it will get better I promise.
We have all been where you are.


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