Hi everyone – its been a while since I posted on the forum – I felt like I needed a break from the world and time to get myself sorted and my life back on track.
So, I need some words of advice - In a nutshell – married 26 years, husband cheated with a 24-year-old (he’s 53) – “bomb drop” 17 months ago - he showed all the signs of a midlife crisis – drinking with a younger crowd, changed the way he dressed, was angry at everyone and I couldn’t do anything right etc. He walked out and moved her into our marital home, into our shared bed etc. and I was virtually denied access to my own home (I was in rented accommodation). Over the subsequent 3 months he went backwards and forwards as he didn’t know what he wanted – he even convinced me to meet the OW saying that if I did so, he would be able to decide who he wanted to be with (that didn't happen). Reflecting on that situation, I cant believe I was so stupid believing him, but I guess it’s a lesson to learn. Anyway – I went “no contact” with him from January 2018 and then moved away in the March after which I had very limited contact with him and then only if I needed to in relation to sorting the finances/property. I detached completely from him – emotionally and physically which, while being extremely painful, was a real-life saver for me.
Fast forward a year and I have moved my job, accommodation and life to another part of the country. In the interim, I have had no option but to file for divorce so I can get my share of the equity out of our joint property – he was delaying the process every step of the way. We are now financially separated, and the last stages of the divorce is happening. I met up with him a week ago (his choice and he travelled 4 hours to come and see me) to finalise the last of my belongings which were in the house. It felt surreal to me to be sat with this man who I was with for 30 years and not recognise him. The most alarming thing of all was when I looked into his eyes they appeared “dead” – he clearly didn’t look happy and came across as being extremely negative in every aspect of his life. I, on the other hand kept up the conversation, talked about how I was moving on with my life and that I had no regrets about what we shared…. when he left, I told him that I was doing ok and that he knew where to find me.
I have never given up on my marriage and asked him to come back countless times within the first year (last time I asked him was about 3 months ago and since then I haven’t shared any feelings with him). Although I am much less emotionally attached, I still love and miss him every day and a part of me will always regret not being given the choice to try and make my marriage work. What I would like to know is what do I do now …….I didn’t mention his OW when I saw him and am assuming that they are still together….. so, do I go back to the no contact again (unless he reaches out to me) or do I occasionally send him a reassuring / humorous message to let him know that I am thinking about him and to keep the lines of communication open. In the meantime, I am getting on with my life and am actually happy with myself for the first time in years……. Any advice/thoughts???
Last edited by job; 02/21/1907:36 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs for easier reading
Stay no contact. You already made it abundantly clear you were open to reconciliation. Now he needs to feel the loss of you.
And just so you know - it could take years for him to come to his senses - or never. DON'T put your own life on hold waiting for him. Get out there and try new things. If a handsome man lands on your doorstep, date him. Create a vibrant new life for yourself. If he comes to his senses eventually and wants to come back, he will just have to do the work necessary and hope that some better man hasn't snatched you up in the meantime.
As for the "dead" eyes - yeah, most of them have that. They thought YOU were the cause of their unhappiness, but with you gone their unhappiness is still with them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
And just so you know - it could take years for him to come to his senses - or never. DON'T put your own life on hold waiting for him. Get out there and try new things. If a handsome man lands on your doorstep, date him. Create a vibrant new life for yourself. If he comes to his senses eventually and wants to come back, he will just have to do the work necessary and hope that some better man hasn't snatched you up in the meantime.
As for the "dead" eyes - yeah, most of them have that. They thought YOU were the cause of their unhappiness, but with you gone their unhappiness is still with them.
Boy did this ring true for me tonight with my own sitch. This is dead on. I can relate to the "dead" eyes. My H kept his sunglasses on most of the time when I saw him briefly on Sunday. He looked really haggard.
You’ve made your position clear, stay no contact. If OW was truly out of the picture (and you have no idea about that and don’t go asking about it) perhaps no initiating contact would be something you would want to consider. You could try it now, however if OW is still involved I think there really is not much to be gained and just more hurt for you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You got two great pieces of advice from the Zen masters --
Gordie's
Assume nothing
Process facts as they present themselves
And DnJ's idea of no initiating
because it allows you to respond if you want to respond to his initiating but it gives you the peace of going dark the rest of the time.
I read your H's confusion as confusion, not as evil. It feels like evil, believe me, I know all about that feeling! But obviously he is not going to spend the rest of his life with that wicked little college co-ed playing house. Block it out and enjoy your life as much as you can, but there is nothing wrong with you for wanting to hold out hope. It's painful but it's beautiful too.
Something I read on these board that has helped me more than anything was the idea that standing really just means outlasting MLC. It's long and painful but you don't really have to do anything, other than outlast it, if you choose to. Sometimes I even repeat that to myself, I am just outlasting it. If you are able to enjoy your life to the fullest, you aren't closing yourself off from anything, just keeping the possibility of outlasting it open in the back of your mind/heart.
Last edited by Gerda; 02/20/1904:56 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
The "shark eyes" thing is very common. It's as if they've turned off their soul. I recall my ex-wife's eyes changing from soft blue-green to blazing green (or it might have been blue).
It is possible to continue to love the person that they were. That's not the person who they are now. This person is a stranger who very likely views you as the enemy. There is no way that any action of yours can change their mind. You can reinforce that opinion fairly easily though.
Will they be "reborn" as a new healthy person? The odds are TBH fairly low. Courage and the ability to examine the person they see in the mirror aren't skills that many people who are selfish enough to have an affair possess.
Stay true to yourself. Mourn the loss of the person you loved.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I agree with the others Continue to create your life heal yourself grieve the loss and keep moving forward
It usually takes the MLCER 2-7 years to go through the process and many will not recover
As far as Contact vs No contact if NC is working for you and you said was a life saver--continue with that the mlcer may also walk away totally or some of them will keep contact so you can choose to respond if he contacts you or not-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I recently Had B/D #1 in Sept the B/D#2 in Nov I did everything wrong Begged,Pleaded after B/D#1 same thing after B/D#2 but also called her awful names as I completely lost it when I found out about the affair . I am not proud this and regret it. I have gone N/C since Dec 8th and hevent heard from her except about the kids. Am I wrong to have any hope ?
Please start a thread on this forum so that we can learn more about you and your situation. By doing so, posters will be able provide the support you need.
BTW, no you aren't wrong to have hope.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Please start a thread on this forum so that we can learn more about you and your situation. By doing so, posters will be able provide the support you need.
BTW, no you aren't wrong to have hope.
How to start a thread
I will use what Job wrote
First Click on Newcomers or MLC then:
Originally Posted by job
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting. It's the same way that you created this thread.
Hi everyone.....so after 3 weeks of seeing him last and no contact......today I get a message from him saying that he hopes I have a wonderful holiday away .....any thoughts on if I should respond.....or not. Also its his birthday on Saturday.......do I acknowledge it or just stay silent?? I am finding it really hard not to feel sorry for him and (perhaps stupidly), would at least like him to know that he is not forgotten......
I wouldn't respond with anything more than "thanks."
What did he do for your birthday? If he did nothing, do nothing. The most I would do is a text that says HB if you feel compelled to do something. But again, if he ignored yours, I would do nothing.
I think we all go through the sorry for them stage. I had a counselor at the beginning who said you may think his life is pathetic, but at least he's living a life. All you do is think about his life.
If you read DB or DR, better for him to think he is forgotten. In my case, that is what it took to see an improvement in behavior.
Thanks OneArt.......he did actually send me a card and money for my birthday so as you have suggested a short HB birthday message - short and simple - from my point of view, I think its probably best to cut the ties completely. Its strange that he cant do the same or is this "normal" behaviour in MLC?
Gerda's vote is always to go with kindness and love, even if it doesn't "work." I have done both and nothing works and sometimes something I didn't do or think I wouldn't do works. You must GAL but with these birthdays and such, you can't strategize too much or you'll go crazy. I would totally send a simple not-lovey-dovey Happy Birthday note. Expect nothing but give that if you want!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Sorry about the rant - just need to blow off steam.......Well, here I am again - thought the struggle was over in my own mind. Divorce at Decree Nisi stage, financial issues sorted and waiting for court approval and then the final stretch to end my 26 year marriage.
I am 18 months post separation now and some days I feel so strong and confident and other days so lost and alone. I have worked very hard at getting a life and getting to know me again and I am extremely comfortable with myself, my life, career etc so why do I feel like a part of me is missing and why do I miss my stbx so much.....
The saddest part about all of this is that 5 months ago I met a fantastic guy who treats me like a queen and is kind, thoughtful and everything any woman could only dream of and yet I dont believe I feel like I should about him - I feel numb...... its like a part of me still hopes that my marriage can be restored and in my mind if I allow myself to get involved with someone else there would be no chance of that happening......
Are these feelings I am having "normal" - the doubts, the hope, the anger/love roller coaster ride. Sometimes I think I am going crazy. I really long to just let go and move on but something holds me back.......
I know I must sound like a desperate/ needy woman but I am everything but those things - when I think with my head, I am completely detached from my stbx - his life and the OW - I accept his choice and his desire to be with her but my heart longs for him - I wonder if part of this is because I have always felt I never had a choice in my marriage ending and we didn't get the chance to try and rebuild something new (he didn't want to).
Apologies once again for the vent - but it helps to get advice.......help......
This is a safe place. Feel free to rant and to expose those parts of you that otherwise are not on view. I will leave others who have gone through what you are experiencing, advise and help you. But I imagine it is normal. Another part of it could be that because you have been hurt, you have a barrier in place that prevents you from getting to close to your Mr fantastic. It could be protecting you from future pain by preventing anything deeper. Look into that.
If you still want to be with H, it is normal that you cannot fully connect with another man. Do you want to be with him again? Maybe you don't but 26 years is a long time and moving on takes time. Take time to reflect on this. It is unfair to the new guy if you cannot commit because you hope to reunite. I imagine you need to become clear yourself and then the path should show itself. I just reread your earlier post where you stated your stance. reread it.
I met a fantastic guy who treats me like a queen and is kind, thoughtful and everything any woman could only dream of
This speaks loads. If you can attract such a guy into your life, you are shining. Your post puts you down several times, even though you defend yourself too. Don't doubt yourself. Regardless of what you decide about your R with him, remember you were capable of attracting him.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Having reached 18 month post BD, I am slowly climbing out of the overwhelming and destructive h@ll I have been living in since my stbx decided that being without me was a better option. During this time, I have changed my life entirely in every aspect - job, lifestyle, accommodation, moved house etc. But I have also taken the time to grow, make my own way, learn to be alone and reflect on my life and our marriage. I have also come to the realisation that although I have no choice if I want to move forward that I have to live my life assuming that he will never return and if it should happen that he does return, then I will cross that bridge if I choose to.
I have also read a huge amount of information about the stages of MLC - I understand that there is no definite process and that each person is different. I am also not interested din the "timescale" of each stage - what I would like to get an idea of is what the overall experience is after the MLC spouse has gone through the "replay" stage - I feel such a widening gap between us - whereas before he was in regular contact - either by email or messaging, now the contact is almost non existent since we saw each other in February. I am not initiating any contact with him as I find its destructive to my well being, I just find the change in his behaviour to be out of character (but then I suppose MLC cant been seen as anything other than "out of character" .
Anyway - thoughts anyone.......
Last edited by job; 04/11/1909:01 PM. Reason: edited a word
The stages are not linear and it takes a long time to get through replay. While in replay, they will enter a deep, dark depression and withdraw from everything that they use to do, friends, family, home, pets, etc. You are the first that he will withdraw from and if he wakes up, you will be the last person that he will reconnect with. What you have described about his character is very typical of the MLCer. As to how quickly they work through their issues and come back to earth, that will depend upon him.
I will provide a link to a thread that I created many years ago on reconnection. It might help you better understand some of what takes place once they begin reconnection. You will have many touch and gos for a while before the actual reconnection begins.
Last edited by job; 04/11/1909:12 PM. Reason: added links to other threads
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, I am now almost 2 yrs since BD and my life has moved forward in leaps and bounds. I no longer seek the contact I once wished for and craved, I have bought my own home, am returning to my studies and have slowly but surely moved on with my life. I have backed off completely from him and have detached and let him go.
My query tonight is whether or not anyone has considered their MLC spouse to be a narcissist - this is something I wonder about as the behaviour of of my ex husband mirrors both as narcissistic and MLC. Thoughts anyone??
All MLCers exhibit some form of personality disorder while in crisis and yes, they can be a narcissist because it is all about them and they sing the song "me, me, me" all of the time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My query tonight is whether or not anyone has considered their MLC spouse to be a narcissist - this is something I wonder about as the behaviour of of my ex husband mirrors both as narcissistic and MLC. Thoughts anyone??
I will also say my wife, who really had no signs or behaviours of narcissism (and was in fact very empathetic) became more and more self absorbed and after BD and for most of past two years has been completely self absorbed. A common reaction when we are in great pain or turmoil internally is to "pull in" and become self absorbed, it is a survival mechanism in a way.
As others says they are narcissists that have MLC, and then there are MLCers who become narcissists. So maybe try to go back a few years before BD and see what he was like before the crises really hit. That may give you more insight.
And congrats on being in a good place and living your life. That is indeed a great accomplishment.
My query tonight is whether or not anyone has considered their MLC spouse to be a narcissist
Yes. Although it took me some time after our separation and the wisdom of a friend to really see it, my ex had always been a narcissist - MLC just made him worse.
I was always very accommodating, as I'm a flexible, easy-going type who goes with the flow. I thought that's what you do in a marriage, but in retrospect it was mostly me doing the bending. My ex is an insecure narcissist - as long as you make him look good, it's great, but if you don't live up to the image he wants to project, you're not valued. God forbid you have an illness and can't just "buck up" out of it. (One of my sons has recently been diagnosed with joint hypermobility syndrome which is causing him a lot of joint pain, but he's afraid to even discuss it with his father because his father's voice rings in his head "get over it, you're not really sick".)
His narcissism has become increasingly obvious since our divorce in the way he has treated our children. Meanwhile, even though my dating history since divorce has been - well - a bit erratic, EVERY man I dated since my ex made me feel more valued and accepted for who I am than he did.
And while anyone in MLC can look like a narcissist at the time, I do think narcissists are more prone to MLC - because if you're so concerned about how others see you and the image that you project, and you start freaking out about aging, what better way to project the illusion that you are still young and virile than to date a much younger woman? (19 years younger in my ex's case).
kml - it sounds like u are describing my ex and the way I thought a marriage should be.....so scary when I think about my ex husband and what he was like in our marriage. He was exactly the same as yours when it came to illness and because I tend to be empathic, I became so caught up in him, I lost myself. My ex is now involved with a girl 28 yrs younger than him and I no longer have any contact ( no children makes this easier). It's taken me a while to accept that who he was isn't who he is and as I am sure you will agree,its been a hard and sometimes lonely road but I have learnt so much about myself and who I am that in some ways I am grateful. Thanks for sharing your insights with me.....
