Hi everyone – its been a while since I posted on the forum – I felt like I needed a break from the world and time to get myself sorted and my life back on track.
So, I need some words of advice - In a nutshell – married 26 years, husband cheated with a 24-year-old (he’s 53) – “bomb drop” 17 months ago - he showed all the signs of a midlife crisis – drinking with a younger crowd, changed the way he dressed, was angry at everyone and I couldn’t do anything right etc. He walked out and moved her into our marital home, into our shared bed etc. and I was virtually denied access to my own home (I was in rented accommodation). Over the subsequent 3 months he went backwards and forwards as he didn’t know what he wanted – he even convinced me to meet the OW saying that if I did so, he would be able to decide who he wanted to be with (that didn't happen). Reflecting on that situation, I cant believe I was so stupid believing him, but I guess it’s a lesson to learn. Anyway – I went “no contact” with him from January 2018 and then moved away in the March after which I had very limited contact with him and then only if I needed to in relation to sorting the finances/property. I detached completely from him – emotionally and physically which, while being extremely painful, was a real-life saver for me.
Fast forward a year and I have moved my job, accommodation and life to another part of the country. In the interim, I have had no option but to file for divorce so I can get my share of the equity out of our joint property – he was delaying the process every step of the way. We are now financially separated, and the last stages of the divorce is happening. I met up with him a week ago (his choice and he travelled 4 hours to come and see me) to finalise the last of my belongings which were in the house. It felt surreal to me to be sat with this man who I was with for 30 years and not recognise him. The most alarming thing of all was when I looked into his eyes they appeared “dead” – he clearly didn’t look happy and came across as being extremely negative in every aspect of his life. I, on the other hand kept up the conversation, talked about how I was moving on with my life and that I had no regrets about what we shared…. when he left, I told him that I was doing ok and that he knew where to find me.
I have never given up on my marriage and asked him to come back countless times within the first year (last time I asked him was about 3 months ago and since then I haven’t shared any feelings with him). Although I am much less emotionally attached, I still love and miss him every day and a part of me will always regret not being given the choice to try and make my marriage work. What I would like to know is what do I do now …….I didn’t mention his OW when I saw him and am assuming that they are still together….. so, do I go back to the no contact again (unless he reaches out to me) or do I occasionally send him a reassuring / humorous message to let him know that I am thinking about him and to keep the lines of communication open. In the meantime, I am getting on with my life and am actually happy with myself for the first time in years……. Any advice/thoughts???
Last edited by job; 02/21/1907:36 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs for easier reading
Stay no contact. You already made it abundantly clear you were open to reconciliation. Now he needs to feel the loss of you.
And just so you know - it could take years for him to come to his senses - or never. DON'T put your own life on hold waiting for him. Get out there and try new things. If a handsome man lands on your doorstep, date him. Create a vibrant new life for yourself. If he comes to his senses eventually and wants to come back, he will just have to do the work necessary and hope that some better man hasn't snatched you up in the meantime.
As for the "dead" eyes - yeah, most of them have that. They thought YOU were the cause of their unhappiness, but with you gone their unhappiness is still with them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
And just so you know - it could take years for him to come to his senses - or never. DON'T put your own life on hold waiting for him. Get out there and try new things. If a handsome man lands on your doorstep, date him. Create a vibrant new life for yourself. If he comes to his senses eventually and wants to come back, he will just have to do the work necessary and hope that some better man hasn't snatched you up in the meantime.
As for the "dead" eyes - yeah, most of them have that. They thought YOU were the cause of their unhappiness, but with you gone their unhappiness is still with them.
Boy did this ring true for me tonight with my own sitch. This is dead on. I can relate to the "dead" eyes. My H kept his sunglasses on most of the time when I saw him briefly on Sunday. He looked really haggard.
You’ve made your position clear, stay no contact. If OW was truly out of the picture (and you have no idea about that and don’t go asking about it) perhaps no initiating contact would be something you would want to consider. You could try it now, however if OW is still involved I think there really is not much to be gained and just more hurt for you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You got two great pieces of advice from the Zen masters --
Gordie's
Assume nothing
Process facts as they present themselves
And DnJ's idea of no initiating
because it allows you to respond if you want to respond to his initiating but it gives you the peace of going dark the rest of the time.
I read your H's confusion as confusion, not as evil. It feels like evil, believe me, I know all about that feeling! But obviously he is not going to spend the rest of his life with that wicked little college co-ed playing house. Block it out and enjoy your life as much as you can, but there is nothing wrong with you for wanting to hold out hope. It's painful but it's beautiful too.
Something I read on these board that has helped me more than anything was the idea that standing really just means outlasting MLC. It's long and painful but you don't really have to do anything, other than outlast it, if you choose to. Sometimes I even repeat that to myself, I am just outlasting it. If you are able to enjoy your life to the fullest, you aren't closing yourself off from anything, just keeping the possibility of outlasting it open in the back of your mind/heart.
Last edited by Gerda; 02/20/1904:56 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
The "shark eyes" thing is very common. It's as if they've turned off their soul. I recall my ex-wife's eyes changing from soft blue-green to blazing green (or it might have been blue).
It is possible to continue to love the person that they were. That's not the person who they are now. This person is a stranger who very likely views you as the enemy. There is no way that any action of yours can change their mind. You can reinforce that opinion fairly easily though.
Will they be "reborn" as a new healthy person? The odds are TBH fairly low. Courage and the ability to examine the person they see in the mirror aren't skills that many people who are selfish enough to have an affair possess.
Stay true to yourself. Mourn the loss of the person you loved.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I agree with the others Continue to create your life heal yourself grieve the loss and keep moving forward
It usually takes the MLCER 2-7 years to go through the process and many will not recover
As far as Contact vs No contact if NC is working for you and you said was a life saver--continue with that the mlcer may also walk away totally or some of them will keep contact so you can choose to respond if he contacts you or not-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I recently Had B/D #1 in Sept the B/D#2 in Nov I did everything wrong Begged,Pleaded after B/D#1 same thing after B/D#2 but also called her awful names as I completely lost it when I found out about the affair . I am not proud this and regret it. I have gone N/C since Dec 8th and hevent heard from her except about the kids. Am I wrong to have any hope ?
