Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10
Kwandoku #2837529 02/15/19 03:57 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 40
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 40
Thanks AnotherStander.

I've been reading everything Sandi's posted religiously. There's not a shadow of a doubt that my W is a WW and not a WAS now.

I just got an alert which indicates she just tried to login to my facebook page.

She was angry I found evidence of the betrayal through her email. Apparently that's worse. Speaks volumes to her current mindset.

Kwandoku #2837548 02/15/19 06:50 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,115
Likes: 9
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,115
Likes: 9
You can show her evidence but not sources. Protect yourself. Do you have a common account? Stop that. She must have an image of how´s real world from now on. You need to get your respect back.

Keep reading, keep posting. Be patient.


WW H(me): 52
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 17
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Kwandoku #2837568 02/15/19 09:54 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 40
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 40
Yes we have a common account with a mortgage and a joint credit card.

I can move what cash is mine into another account. I'm not sure if I'll need her permission to cancel the joint credit card though?

This morning we'll sit down with her parents to officially let them now of our sitch.

No doubt there'll be more lies and lots of crying - how their good daughter is simply unsure of her feelings and doesn't want to hurt me etc etc. That she's done nothing wrong but maybe confide in a friend.

I will stand firm and let them know of the facts, and my intentions of a separation.

Kwandoku #2837575 02/15/19 11:21 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
Instead of “standing your ground”, I’d mostly just listen. No matter what you say, they aren’t going to be on “your side” and even if they were, it wouldn’t bring your W closer to you.

Kwandoku #2837591 02/16/19 04:51 AM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 40
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 40
We've agreed that tomorrow morning we'll discuss the logistics of the separation.

When she moves out, how we treat finances etc.

At this stage all of my actions would indicate that I'm proceeding with a legal separation leading to a D, since finding out about her A.

My question is, although I'd probably prefer a trial separation as a first step, and not legal one, I don't want to be seen as talking a step back.

She'll probably temp check me to see if I'm actually detached.

Should I ask what her goals for the separation are? Should I ask if she's made up her mind about ending the marriage or if she's still figuring that out?

Or do I just proceed with talking about the details of how the separation will work?

Kwandoku #2837599 02/16/19 06:57 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 247
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 247
Kwan,

Let me start off by saying, that I am rooting for you, as I am for anyone one the board, and I do not want to come off as an ass, so do not mind the tone, its really ment as positive feedback, even though everyone going through what you are right now, most of all need a giant hug - so take it was a hug in disguise my friend.

So lets get down to it.

1. Do you want to get separated?

I mean, if not, then there is absolutely no reason for you to sit down and discuss anything with her in relation to her moving out etc. I am going to keep this very simple - so here is a metaphor: You my friend, got dragged to the circus, you'd didn't buy a ticket, you hate the circus, but here you are - its not your fault, but you are definitely not going to be the one who pays for the popcorn............... Split you financials asap, down to the last cent. become financial independant, your WW can't be trusted, and it can ruin your financial stability for years to come if you dont take care of yourself. You do not need to sit down and talk with her in order to make that call.

2. I see so much of my old self in your questions, and this in particular "She'll probably temp check me to see if I', actually detached - Should I ask what her goals are for the seperation? Should I ask if she's made up her mind about ending the marriage or if she's still figuring that out?"

I am again not trying to bash on you, but sorry, you aren't detached if thats your questions my friend. You want to be, I wanted to be, everyone one this board wants to get to that point, but dude, I was told its a marathon, its not, its unfortunately so much longer before you get to that point. But when you do, you realize, that you dont care about her tempt checks, because, you won't be reading into them as you are currently. You realize that you dont care about her goals for the seperation, because you are living your life, happy, proud and with a new drive for a better life with or without her, so you let her do the lifting, and you let her present her dirty work, and you dont get in the way, but you sure as hell do not sit down for tea and biscuits while you help her out. You do not ask about her marriage thoughts because frankly, it doesnt matter to you at this point. She will see any conversation about these pointers as nothing but pursuit. You have let go, and the only thing that will change that, is if she honestly comes crawling back, and shows you how sorry she is, and trust me, you won't have to mindread into that, because you will know. The problem is, that by that time, if you ARE detached, you most likely do not want that woman back in your life, sorry to break it.

3. To sum it up my friend: Here is what I want you to do.

I want you to realize your potential, and that is, that you are worth a woman that will wake up every morning, looking into your eyes, smiling, giving you a kiss and a hug. A woman that with the look in her eyes, shows you how much she loves you. We all deserve this, and this goes both ways - Right now, this woman is out there, waiting to meet you, it might very well be, that it is your wife down the line, but who knows. I do know, that right now, you are victimizing yourself, and you won't have chance of meeting this woman before you take a turn for the better. Get up, find yourself, be a confident person, what makes you happy? do it, what makes you sad? stop using your energy on it. Stop mind reading, stop helping your WW out, she can do the lifting, but you, you need to throw down the barbell. Dont engage in conversation, just listen, figure out what you want in life, figure out what you need to work on to better yourself. Analyze your relationship. She is the one with 2 feet out the door, but the blame is never only on the WW, so what did you do to help carve the path to this situation? Reflect on this, and make sure you dont bring it in to your next relationship.


BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018.
EA: June 2018
PA: August 2018 - ongoing
Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids
WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Kwandoku #2837603 02/16/19 11:02 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,154
Likes: 292
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,154
Likes: 292
K,

Again you are at a critical point to possibly turn this around quickly. The only thing you state is that you will NOT live in an open marriage and you need her to move out so you can have time and space to figure out what you want.

Do not ask her what her goal is for the separation. It's to pursue a relationship with the new guy to see where it goes. The longer she knows your plan B the more time she has to pursue the new relationship.

Do not ask her if she has made up her mind. She hasn't but if you ask her she will know you are attached.

You can't control what she is going to do but you can communicate what you won't tolerate. You have to set clear boundaries that if broken bring upon extreme consequences.

Are you strong enough to to do it? Good luck man!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
Kwandoku #2837605 02/16/19 12:01 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 40
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 40
Hurt and LH, thanks for the words of wisdom and tough love.

I really needed them.

Truth is, I think I'm still in shock. Right when I feel like I'm ready to cut things off and move on I get hit back right in the feels.

All that history we had.... gone.

One moment I'm so ready to move on completely and the next I want to scale right back down to a trial separation.

It was particularly hard coming back to the house tonight to find her side of the bedside cleared out and also her side of the bathroom. I don't think I'll be able to stay in this house after it's all over. Too many memories.

LH, good reminder. All I can do is stipulate what I want and need. I'll re-read the notes on validating as well.

I will be strong for myself and you guys. Thanks again.

Kwandoku #2837630 02/16/19 03:19 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 297
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 297
Originally Posted by Kwandoku
Hurt and LH, thanks for the words of wisdom and tough love.

I really needed them.

Truth is, I think I'm still in shock. Right when I feel like I'm ready to cut things off and move on I get hit back right in the feels.

All that history we had.... gone.

One moment I'm so ready to move on completely and the next I want to scale right back down to a trial separation.

It was particularly hard coming back to the house tonight to find her side of the bedside cleared out and also her side of the bathroom. I don't think I'll be able to stay in this house after it's all over. Too many memories.

LH, good reminder. All I can do is stipulate what I want and need. I'll re-read the notes on validating as well.

I will be strong for myself and you guys. Thanks again.





What you’re going through right now is going to be one of the hardest things you’ve ever gone through. Trust me I know. You’re going to be on a roller coaster of emotions. One day you’ll think you’re detached and the next day you’ll want to pursue here. It’s hard, you love your W. Don’t beat yourself up or be too hard on yourself for your mixed emotions.

You’ve received some excellent advise, try to listen to what everyone said. But take one day at a time. Sending hugs your way!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Kwandoku #2837646 02/16/19 05:57 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
I suggest you google the pros & cons of a trial separation. Some H's think they and the WW can agree on some ground rules to follow during their separation. However, when those ground rules have anything to do with her not dating/seeing someone.......she will not honor it. In fact, she may not honor any agreement that is not legally binding. Once a W has lied and betrayed her H (and perhaps deceived her parents/family).......it's not a big stretch for her to not stick to some "agreement" made between her and her H.

Understand this.......the WW does not want a separation in order to work on the problems within the MR, or to see if she'll miss her H, or to "find herself". She wants freedom! She wants to live like a single person.

If the H needs a cooling off period before he makes any final decisions, then a physical separation may be the answer. I strongly discourage an in-house separation.......especially if in-laws are staying under the same roof.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard