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BluWave Offline OP
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Originally Posted by sandi2
Hi Blue, I plan to start a new thread topic in the next day or so. I've been asked to give some guidelines for Piecing the Marriage Back Together. Was also asked to define the Piecing stage. I hope you, and any other member who have/are experiencing the period we call Piecing, will offer your thoughts on the thread. smile


Thank you, Sandi. I think that's a great idea. It would have helped me to have something more specific to go by. It's definitely more of a challenge to put together because there are more variables, whereas following the DB rules are applicable to most all sitches post BD. I feel that my sitch was rather extreme in terms of variables: my H had a lengthy EA and then left me for a PA for quite some time, this OW was a common/close friend, we had young children, and we were simultaneously dealing with other life crises (death of a parent & mentally ill teen). I imagine there would have been less work required with less variables, but I don't know. I do not yet consider us a "success story," but I also feel comfortable saying that we may always be a work in progress. I don't know yet, but I like that attitude because an R doesn't ever stop needing work and attention in general.

I'll jot down a few thoughts here if that helps. Please tell me what you think!

1. I often read posters ask how they will know when their WAS/WS is coming back and what signs to look for. My response to that is usually the same, "when your S wants back in, you will see a changed person and you will know. You won't need to ask when it happens because your instincts will tell you and you will feel the change." They will come to you and show you a person that is remorseful, transparent, and they will tell you in one way or another that they want you back. Do not fall for false starts or anything less than that.

2. First and foremost, in order for piecing to happen, both partners must be willing and (at least somewhat) ready to work hard at the R. Both partners, the LBS and the WAS/WS, must commit to making the M work, must be willing to look at their own mistakes, and both must be willing to make changes, on themselves and for the M. I say "somewhat ready" because there are varying degrees of self-growth that has happened during the sitch and often the WAS/WS hasn't started that process.

3. I think it's also important for both partners to be humble and accept that despite doing all of the hard work, there is still a chance that they may not get the outcome they hoped for. You must commit to doing the work with this understanding in mind. Both partners must accept that they other could choose to back out at any moment and nothing is guaranteed.

4. The SLOWER you move in piecing, the better. The process cannot be rushed or forced, and in doing so you will begin to move backwards in your progress and may cause additional harm. In every piecer that I have read here, the poster says in hindsight that they moved to quickly. I would say the same for my sitch even though I made an effort not to.

5. The DB rules (and Sandi's rules) no longer apply when piecing happens. To be successful, there needs to be open and honest communication, you will need to initiate contact, share your process with your S, and the walls should start to come down. On the flip side, DB is a way of life now and the healthy attachments, 180s, and GAL should be adopted as a way of life moving forward.

6. The less personal growth (detachment, 180s, GAL) that has been done during the separation, the slower the piecing should happen, because ideally this work should have been completed beforehand. While the LBS that was reading/posting here has often started this journey, and the WAS/WS has usually not, there is still an uneven surge of emotions/anger that make this very difficult to continue simultaneously. It must be continued so you do not give all of your energy to piecing. It is too emotionally taxing.

7. It is completely normal to feel tremendous relief when your S comes back. You have been held under water and then let up for air. This feeling will subside in a matter of weeks or months, as your new reality sets in.

8. The LBS cannot continue to hold the mistakes over the head of the WAS/WS and/or punish them. The LBS cannot continue to hold the mistakes over the head of the WAS/WS and/or punish them. The LBS cannot continue to hold the mistakes over the head of the WAS/WS and/or punish them.

9. The WAS/WS cannot apologize enough times for the hurt their actions have caused! For the first year of piecing, my H said he was sorry once, twice or ten times in a day. He still does apologize when things come up.

10. It is very important during piecing that the couple have support from a third party and this should come in the form of MC. The MC should be experienced with reconciliation, betrayal and have a pro-M belief system. This can be expensive, yes, but probably nothing compared to the cost of D!

11. Triggers are going to come from every angle and at times you least aspect them. The dull ache of piecing could be interrupted by the sharp stab of a reminder of your post BD days, and this PTSD could mentally throw you back in time. The pain and fear is indescribable. It is important to hold the belief that like any other crisis in your life, they will lessen in time and eventually disappear. Please believe this.

12. The LBS will think about giving up, leaving, and walking away. You may think about it often or occasionally and you may even act upon it. Just remind yourself that time is on your side and there is never a need to make a decision hastily. Do not make decisions about anything when emotions are high. In fact, you shouldn't act on emotions in general or express them all to your S. Decisions will now be made with your mind and not your heart. Your heart will continue to change, but you have made the decision to try and make this work. Give it another 6 months or couple years, you have come too far to give up now.

13. PATIENCE.

14. TIME.

15. Then more patience and more time.

16. You are both juggling several things and there is no perfect way to do that. Some moments you are discussing painful topics and working through the devastation. Other times you are making sense of what was wrong with the M before and how you ended up here. You still need to take breaks from that and build a new M together! There must be days when you just do something fun and don't discuss the past.

17. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves .... That is what they say. As we hold on to hard feelings we cannot move forward and it behooves us to forgive others. Most people need to have forgiveness for a successful R to happen, however how each person reaches that point is very individual and personal. I am still working on my forgiveness and it's been several years.

18. Only surround yourselves with people that support your decision to R. Keep seeing your MC, your own C, read books, take walks, and do whatever you can to practice extreme self care. If anything or anyone derails you from your progress, stick it in a box to the left.

19. Remind yourselves that things will get easier and become more clear in time. The first few months, and possibly years, are so emotionally charged, and there are going to be set backs. It is important to accept that the path will not be linear. This does not mean that you have to quit or give up.

20. Compromise is important in any M. However, neither person has to make sacrifices. If the LBS needs something, for example complete transparency, passwords, frequent reassurance, then they should say very clearly what that is. The same goes for the WAS/WS. Tell your partner what you need and what you want. In time they can either provide those things or they can't. But give them the time.


That is my start! I will revisit and revise later.
Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Thanks, I appreciate your perspective. Our thoughts seem to line up. I have tried to keep it unbiased, but I wondered if a recovering wayward spouse and a recovering LBS would have a slightly different viewpoint. It may be interesting to find out, if others join the conversation. I hope to get the thread posted today. smile


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi and Blu,

Sandi list is an amazing start and I totally agree with her assessment of the process of piecing.

Joejoe01


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Thank you Sandi and Joe,

Do you guys want to use my thread to edit/add/subtract or start a new list? There is not much other activity on here ;-) Perpaps others could weigh in as well?

I think you're right about the importance of removing bias! This was more a list that I jotted down as it came to me and there is definitely my own bias in it. That can be removed.

Perhaps I will ask my own H for feedback or what he would add (change) to the list? His perspective is different than mine and he may balance out some of my own bias with his. Piecing has been very challenging for him as well, however not in the same ways.

Blu


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This list is wonderful. I am struggling with all of these things.

Trying to explain some of this to my XW is really difficult, too. Some days I have to be so calm I'm like someone trying to tame a wild animal, just so I don't trigger guilt. Because honestly the last thing I want to do is make her feel guilty. She already feels constant guilt. I can see it in her eyes every time we talk about our kids, or one of our vacations, or the old MH.

I think the LBS's on this site are really quick to pass judgement on a returning WS/WAS because of the hurt and destruction they caused. But a lot of that has to be worked on and let go of, if you are rebuilding a relationship with them. I really like reading posts from members that have been there before and can help us all realize that these challenges are normal.

Thanks!


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Well, I think I'll just have a thread dedicated to the subject of Piecing. I'll post mine, and yours, and then anyone can ask questions or make suggestions for the final product. I started out trying to define Piecing, then answered common questions, and then made a list of guidelines. There may some similarities with some, but I think the two lists are different enough to show both of them. That's my goal today. (I've got to stop being so wordy, or I'll never finish it!)


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Happy (SAD) Singles Appreciation Day, everyone!

I just wanted to remind everyone that you are all worthy of love and the best things in life. No one deserves to be in this situation, we are all human and we all made mistakes! Please don't look around and think that those love-struck couples on Valentine's Day have it better. They too have ups and downs in life, and we all have a different time line.

I truly believe that you would not be happier if your S returned, even if you feel that way now and long for them every day. Happiness and love comes from within. Give that to yourself!!! Coming to accept that and practicing that often, is the silver lining in this. No one can ever take that from you!

Blu


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Originally Posted by BluWave
Happy (SAD) Singles Appreciation Day, everyone!

I just wanted to remind everyone that you are all worthy of love and the best things in life. No one deserves to be in this situation, we are all human and we all made mistakes! Please don't look around and think that those love-struck couples on Valentine's Day have it better. They too have ups and downs in life, and we all have a different time line.

I truly believe that you would not be happier if your S returned, even if you feel that way now and long for them every day. Happiness and love comes from within. Give that to yourself!!! Coming to accept that and practicing that often, is the silver lining in this. No one can ever take that from you!

Blu


Thanks, Blu (((HUGS)))

One thought that hit me earlier was seeing other couples, and the idea that THEY may be NEXT for a BD’ing, or to end up in a sitch like ours.

I’m also learning that happiness and love come from within; hopeful W will do the same in time.


M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. ‘18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
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Originally Posted by BluWave

I truly believe that you would not be happier if your S returned, even if you feel that way now and long for them every day. Happiness and love comes from within. Give that to yourself!!! Coming to accept that and practicing that often, is the silver lining in this. No one can ever take that from you!


Well said! My GF came over yesterday and we had a nice dinner out, brought home a piece of homemade cheesecake to split, worked on an art project I've been helping her with, exchanged some presents and cards and then had some lovely personal time by candlelight. Do I regret that it was her I was spending this time with and not my ex? Oh hell no, I don't even think my ex and I ever had special time like this even when times were good. She just wasn't into romantic stuff. So what is my point, well it's to boast. No I'm kidding grin It's to send a message that what lays before you won't be what you had, but I bet it will be just as good as what you had if not even better. You're all setting the stage for something really great to happen.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I think that is a good advertisement for not getting married...lol. Honestly...my WAH and I were both romantic before we got married and had kids. I remember the year before we got married, I took him to Vegas for VD to see his favourite band play at the Hard Rock Café. I think too many people get complacent and take things for granted when they get married and just rely on the vows we took to carry us through the day-to-day grind that life can be. I know that I often thought of things that I would like to do but would always put them off for a time that was more convenient, or when we had more money or when I was thinner or when... you get the picture. Tomorrow rarely, if ever, comes when you live your life like that. If there is anything I have learned from this experience, it is to never put off what you can do today as you may not get a tomorrow. Tough lesson to learn but so valuable. I won't forget it if I ever am lucky enough to be in love again. smile

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