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A Message from Michele
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Still wondering what comes next #2835006
01/30/19 04:30 PM
01/30/19 04:30 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,621
Midwest
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DonH Offline OP
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DonH  Offline OP
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My Last Thread

Well... Here I am with a brand new thread - and back to the old topic of this coach. Some will really protect their leader. Lol. I'm not saying he's useless but he's not all you crack him up to be. Juju is very on point that different things work on different people. I've got to get some work done but the book did not work on wild girl and I did not "steal her away" other than for a few days. Back on land she was anxious to return to what she left. She claimed it was mostly D15 and D17 but I'm sure new guy is high on the list. Although I am over and done with her so it's not like I asked her out again or anything. I promise I will write the story of what she says happened and what I really think. Some of it will support you and your coach - others will not.

As for why would I call? I'm curious!!! I want to know what this guy thinks about all of this. That's just me - very curious - even WG has said so. I was a bit surprised that she texted me late last night. That's not happened for a long time. She asked how I was feeling after the dentist. Her place is closed today, like many, due to the cold so she was staying up late (and drinking wine). We didn't text too long and I ended it. Anyhow, I don't hate her. I will not pursue her but I have multiple items if her clothing so just that alone means I'll see her at least one more time. But we agreed we'd stay in touch. I'll see her aunt (whom I've known 25+ years) this weekend. I know I'll run into her parents. That changes the dynamic. If I had zero ties I may never see her again but this was not a weekend hook up. She's the first woman I've spent 10 days/nights with in over 10 years. If I didn't make her my GF in summer when I could have, I certainly won't now. But I coukd see going to a ballgame or something. Who knows? She's not the devil, just not LTR potential. Even broken people can be fun. I just can never trust her. Not all my friends are perfect either but I still like them. As was quoted and I've said all along, she's fun to play with, just not R material.

I'll try to write the story she spun this afternoon.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2835084
01/30/19 11:41 PM
01/30/19 11:41 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,621
Midwest
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DonH Offline OP
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DonH  Offline OP
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I'm not so sure any of this matter anymore anyhow but I promised the rest of the story and I'm always a man of my word. So here is what I learned.

Actually, first, let's start back at my deal breakers. While they may have expanded a bit, back when WG and I went on our first date (the weekend after hanging out at the event we reconnected at) I told her that honesty is one. I told her that meant not only not lying but also not shading the truth or lying by omission. She very much agreed and said she hates lies. Second was smoking. I just despise it and could never be with a daily smoker. Her response was "well I'm not going to lie" (good start) "I like to have an occasional cigarette now and then. It relaxes me" she said. I know other people in this box and could live with it as long as I don't have to see or experience it. During the months we dated she never smoked although several times I wondered - including immediately after arriving at my house, giving me a very tight lipped kiss, and thinking I smelled something. Thursday night (the night before we left) I took a shower and came out. My outdoor automatic light was on and the front door was ajar. We had come home about a half hour earlier but I asked "Did you go outside" and got an immediate no. Hmmmmm. Well clearly she had and now I know why. Her just now and then is really like 5 times a day - everyday or at least thte 10 days we were together. Evidently she figured at this point there was no reason to hide it anymore. I have two deal breakers and she breaks both of them.

So, on Sunday (day two of the cruise) she had a long conversation with my close female friend - the one I took to lunch a few months ago. She told her that I would not commit. I found this very interesting as I was never asked to commit. My friend said how I had told her I could not get a hold of her and she would not return calls and was short with her texts. Of course she denied it to her - and later to me. Her side is that I stopped contacting her. Well, partly true and partly what I've believed and this coach says to do. After my last time at her house I texted I was home and never received a response. Prior to that she had also gone cold. Was it that I was on the phone too much? Well if so, why did it take nearly four months to be a problem? About all she could hang her hat on (and she loves to wear hats) was that I talked about taking her over night on a train trip to Chicago and never followed through. That was true but only because I could sense her distance. She never tried to reach out to me - why? We are both stubborn she claimed. I had a very popular post on FB that all of my friends liked and commented on - not WG. Then last week she brags about the post and how good it was. Oh, so you did see it. Why not like it. Again, she had no answer.

I don't want to give you my conclusion but what else is there? She lost interest. Or more so, this dude was entering the picture. He claims they started dating in August. She says he was just coming over to vent about his GF and even told me about "her buddy" coming over. He's a year younger than her. Lives in her city. Is never married. Wants to have a baby. I'm 13 years older. Live 70 minutes away. Don't want to get married let alone have a baby! He's clearly a better suited BF in those areas.

I brought up her comment the day after I asked her to go on the cruise of "What happens if we meet someone else?" She claims that was her hint that she wanted to be exclusive. I'm still not sure I buy it. Why then deny we are even dating - correcting me if I said we are dating to we are just hanging out.

In the end, I don't think she can even be honest about this. She doesn't want to say, perhaps doesn't want to hurt my feelings to say she's just not that into me or it was just a fun summer fling. That part might be nice of her but turning it around, now that she is "safe" to say, you let me get away, it's all your fault, had you not gotten distant I would have been all in. I think it's BS. Part of me does or did wonder perhaps I should have just said something back then to at least get to January. It would have given me more piece of mind. But would it? More likely she would have still cheated on me with this guy. Even her truth changes day to day. I think I would have been hurt in the end.

So it would be nice to learn from my "mistakes" or for the future but really all I'd be learning is how to deal with a personality I don't want to be with in the long term anyhow. At least she opened my eyes to potentially wanting more. I really did have fun. I could have done without the drama and the angst but nothing is perfect.

Anyhow, that's her story. It's senseless for me to try to argue it with her. She'd gaslight me or make it like trying to nail jello to the wall. One more before I end this post. She's off of work today due to the weather as are her girls (and pretty much all of my state as it's going to -27 again tonight). So she texted me that her mom really wants to get together with her to hear about the cruise. I'll likely see her parents this weekend. What must they think? Perhaps that thought should have hit me right away - but they spent the holidays with this guy but also know our history. What must her mom be thinking? Which then took me to, what must her daughters be thinking? What a terrible role model she is for them. Again, I know these girls, they know me. I've stayed at their house. The girls and parents know I'm not just "her buddy Don". So are they now forced to keep her secret? That stinks for them. That may be my biggest 2X4 for me in all of this. Thankfully her girls are more mature than she is in many ways. She says her mom is oblivious to it. I just don't buy it and most certainly her dad is not. I almost can't wait to talk to them - and to her aunt. This is so not me. I used to be so drama-free and so under the radar. Now I'm clearly on the radar and I don't like it at all - not one bit. A few of my friends who are in the know are also asking me and commenting that this is not like me.

It's time to move on and I most certainly will. And to think, Wild Girl was still one of the best if not the best choice available to me. Once again I just can't help but think, all of the good ones are taken for a reason. They may be available for a short window but not for long or at all - because they are too busy celebrating their 25th or 30th or 35th anniversary. Meanwhile, I'm still wondering what comes next - as my new thread title says. At least I'm learning and growing from it. I know none of us want to think it's the case but there really are more broken people out there than we think there are. 12 years since my D has most certainly proven that to me.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2835088
01/31/19 12:04 AM
01/31/19 12:04 AM
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,481
NC
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Coconut Offline
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Iím glad you had a good time Don, everything actually happened exactly as you initially desired, the path was a bit different than expected, but spot on to what you wanted at first. I will say I was shocked when the pics first went up on FB, I wondered if she okíd it or if you just said f it, but Iím glad to hear you checked with her first.

Itís a difficult thing to choose between the great right now (but gonna be a mess in the future) and the [censored] right now but Iím gonna stay alone until the right one comes along.. my opinion is that you probably couldíve shown more interest and kept her longer, but I donít think forever was ever in the cards and without that it just might not be worth..

Welcome back to the real world where you gotta make your own bed and cook again.. def the toughest part of coming back from a cruise.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2835096
01/31/19 12:55 AM
01/31/19 12:55 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,101
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kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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She's totally gaslighting you. You showed plenty of interest and she started not responding just about the time this guy entered the picture - it wasn't about you.

And I agree, if she doesn't have to ovaries to just admit her ambivalence she's no use to you.

What I think you have learned though from this year is that you DO want companionship and at least a steady girlfriend. It may be time to put a little more effort into looking in the right places for the right type of woman.

Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: kml] #2835803
02/04/19 09:17 PM
02/04/19 09:17 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,621
Midwest
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DonH Offline OP
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DonH  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,621
Midwest
Originally Posted by kml
What I think you have learned though from this year is that you DO want companionship and at least a steady girlfriend. It may be time to put a little more effort into looking in the right places for the right type of woman.


Of all the people here KML you seem to get me the most. Or at least I agree with most of what you have to say. I again agree. The problem is do I have the wherewithal to put in the effort necessary. I also heard multiple times from multiple people how much more fun I was to be around, and how much more fun I was with Wild Girl around. I guess I don't see it but others clearly did - which again supports your thought KML. But sometimes I just don't feel it. Take this weekend...

I was at an annual event in Chicago - the 31st annual and I was at the first one. Just think about that for a minute. But anyhow, I took the woman from Canada I've known for quite a few years and hooked up with two years ago at Thanksgiving to dinner. She was staying the night and flying home today. We get along great. She knows all about Wild Girl and my life. I know or at least strongly sense she's interested but I'm pretty sure I have friend zoned her. Yet we are very compatible in so many ways, get along great. I just can't bring myself to feel it. I'm sure I could have spent the night - if even in the other bed - but again, I just couldn't push myself to do it. Maybe that's normal, but this happens more often than not to me. As wrong and as broken as she is, I totally had "those feelings" for Wild Girl but not for others. Why? I don't know. Was WG "safe" since I knew from day one she had too much damage and she also was casual with me? I'm sure that's part of it.

We talked about Swedish Goddess and how I should at least take her out and see if anything is there. I could, I may, but it's sorta like I also have to take some checks to deposit in the bank, get some grocery's and a few other errands. Calling Swedish Goddess would be sorta on that same list. It's a to do - not a want to do. That could totally change if I spent time with her but pushing myself to spend time with her is the challenge.

Had about a dozen people all told ask "where is your girlfriend" or some variation of that comment. Hmmmmm maybe I should not have put those pictures up on Facebook. What really catches my attention is if all of these friends see those pictures and think GF - what can this new guy be thinking?

I did get to talk with WG's aunt. I sort of thought she was not too fond of her niece and might say so. She actually has some nice things to say about her. Her parents did not show up - even though WG texted me saying they might after she went to dinner with them on Friday. They were really wanting to hear about the cruise. I told her of all the people who said to say hello and/or asked about her. Funny, she said that she was working - as if that's why she wasn't there. Odd. LOL Have not talked since Saturday. I still need to get her clothes back to her though.

There were a few others I may have had some interest in but again not really enough to do anything about it. At least the trips keep stacking up. Add Nashville to the list. Looks like I'll be performing there over Memorial Day Weekend. It's another combination thing doing two public places - bars - and a wedding - which is the reason to get us there and then we'll fill in the public bar gigs around it to make financial sense.

Never really had the post vacation blues last week but now after another vacation type weekend it's a bit of a down Monday. I've got yet another easy week then gigs this coming weekend. I'm half hardily thinking of reaching out to Swedish Goddess and a few others (as I bring this full circle back to my first paragraph) as yes it would be nice to have someone to have another fun summer with like I did last year. I mean I'm only getting older here and can't be wasting even more time.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2835820
02/04/19 11:19 PM
02/04/19 11:19 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,101
K
kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
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Reasons why you might be having trouble getting motivated:

Depression

Low testosterone (okay, doesn't sound like this has been a problem, but it DOES decline with age and it IS the hormone of motivation and drive)

Love Avoidance -
Quote
We talked about Swedish Goddess and how I should at least take her out and see if anything is there. I could, I may, but it's sorta like I also have to take some checks to deposit in the bank, get some grocery's and a few other errands. Calling Swedish Goddess would be sorta on that same list. It's a to do - not a want to do.

This sounds an awful lot like my Love Avoidant coffee buddy who told me he wouldn't make a date on Monday for Friday night because he wasn't sure he'd be in the mood for it Friday. He'd rather wait until Friday to ask and risk her being unavailable than have it hanging over him all week "like a dentist appointment". Maybe Wild Girl didn't trigger this because you thought of her as unlikely to work out or to have expectations of you.

Fear of getting hurt - after all, Buddha said "All suffering comes from desire", if you don;t desire anybody then there's no risk right?

Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: kml] #2835878
02/05/19 03:05 PM
02/05/19 03:05 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,037
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Posts: 13,037
NY
Originally Posted by kml
Low testosterone (okay, doesn't sound like this has been a problem, but it DOES decline with age and it IS the hormone of motivation and drive)

Exactly - especially in men as they age.

And then the ratio of estrogen to testosterone becomes higher so that men become more emotional as we age.


Me-65, D33,S32
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2835901
02/05/19 05:09 PM
02/05/19 05:09 PM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,724
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doodler Offline
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doodler  Offline
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Low testosterone? The ancient Egyptians had a little-known cure for low testosterone. They'd beat their testicles with a rolled-up newspaper (well, it was actually a papyrus scroll) and then they'd apply a special secret elixir. What you do is beat those bad boys for about five minutes, morning and night, everyday and apply the elixir afterward. The secret elixir is just ground-up horseradish; the same stuff you can buy at the grocery store. Do that for about three weeks and you'll be hung like a silverback gorilla and you'll be producing superhuman doses of testosterone.

Disclaimer: Discuss the procedure with your doctor before trying it at home.

Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2835948
02/05/19 10:49 PM
02/05/19 10:49 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,621
Midwest
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DonH Offline OP
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DonH  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,621
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Oh Doodler, Doodler, Doodler...

Anyhow, as soon as I saw the low T (and I already am aware and know a fair amount about this) I really thought, hmmmmm. It's not depression - I'm really sure of that. It could be the love avoidance but I did pretty well getting past that with Wild Girl - although she never really put me to the ultimate test so who knows? But low T... I'm on a medication very well known to drive down T levels. I'm on a low dose but I'm sure it's still effecting things. It did not effect my drive or performance with Wild Girl but she is soooooo sexual how could it? Yes, I know it still could but I think it was as much her helping there. But what about this woman I had hooked up with (we didn't have full sex but still) and I really had no desire to go there this past weekend. That could well be low T going on there. Perhaps it's time for me to wean off fully or perhaps switch to something that would not do that as much. I may try an even lower dose and perhaps it's time to just stop. I think it might help with my ambition in other areas as well. I'm not a fan of replacement - especially since we really don't well know the long term ramifications of that.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2835958
02/06/19 12:16 AM
02/06/19 12:16 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,101
K
kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,101
I wouldn't be afraid of replacement if it's indicated - just find a doctor who knows what they are doing with it. Compounded topical cream is best (and less expensive), blood count needs to be monitored (to make sure the blood doesn't get too thick) and estrogen levels followed (if testosterone is too high can convert to excess estrogen).

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