Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2835656 02/04/19 12:07 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
This was originally intended to be my terminal thread here. A sign that I've truly moved on. That's undoubtedly not the case.

For those playing the home game it's perhaps time to re-list my past threads

Fresh Meat
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2678621&page=1

Twisting in the Wind
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2691981&page=1

Confessions of a failed mind reader
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2696636&page=1

And now we wait
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2699223&page=1

Baking my own cake
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701127&page=1

Am I on the wrong bicycle
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701309&page=1

The phantom Cyclist
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2704064&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2708284&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2711943&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2713880&page=1

Lost in the woods
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2717071&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2719407&page=1

Cabin in the Woods
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2723724&page=1

Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2727019&page=1

On The Far Shore / Songs and Stories
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2758899&page=1

Songs and Stories From The Far Shore
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2768482&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2778734&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2789569&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2789736&page=1

Travels through La Mancha
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2807877&page=1

Brunch in Ravenna
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2817355&page=1

Tacos in Icaria
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2825696&page=1

Saturday Siesta
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2831581&page=1

The Third Wish
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2835188&page=1

Apropos perhaps that it is Sunday and I just finished having Sunday Supper to start this thread. I was wondering and asked S24 if the idea of Sunday Supper was one that I had before I was married, or if it was part of that tradition, or if it was just a tradition since I've been single. Unsurprisingly he had not idea.

I do recall in my married years of Sunday Supper being an event that I looked forward to and was often disappointed in. Since I now have complete control of the agenda, Sunday Supper is an event here. Modest today. A roast ham, potatoes, veg and fresh biscuits. The dishes are still needing to be done and there will be many ham sandwiches in the next few days.

Sunday Supper to me is a "place". One of stability, comfort and security. I'd hoped by the time that this thread title was used that I would be in a new stable relationship with someone. I'm not. But there are roughly 100 posts available here. So let's all get a fresh bowl of popcorn and see where this all goes.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP #2835708 02/04/19 02:22 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
Selfishly, I'm glad you are still here. I love reading your posts and think you are a very interesting and lovely man. I so wish I could "meet" you IRL so that we might chat occasionally because I think that you have a lot of wisdom to impart.

I love what you said about "Sunday Supper" being a place. I couldn't agree more. My dad is one of 6 kids and when we were kids, we would always go to his parent's house (my grandparents) for lunch on Sunday along with all of his siblings and their kids. It was a big, loud, rowdy potluck meal with all sorts of dishes that may or may not have any rhyme or reason to each other. My grandmother was a fabulous cook and she always made the greatest mashed potatoes in the world, garden-fresh string beans and she always had several baked goods. Almost always an apple pie, which was my dad's favorite. She also made homemade German chocolate cake, pineapple upside down cake in an old cast iron skillet that had seen better days and peach cobbler made from the peaches that grew on the trees in her back yard. Lord have mercy it was a feast fit for a redneck king and queen. But, even better that the food was the conversation, the family unity. Somehow all of my dad's siblings, except my dad, have some sort of musical ability, so they would get out instruments and we would all sit around and sing while they played guitar, banjo, spoons (not just a card game, but also a percussion instrument wink ). You know, from reading my posts, that I'm a huge music fan and listen to music much of the day. I have eclectic musical tastes ranging from hard rock to bluegrass to jazz and classical. Your post made me think of a song that I absolutely love. "Sunday in the South" by Shenandoah. It is an old song....late '80s or early '90s but it is just exactly what you are talking about and it always makes me think of those Sunday lunches at my grandparent's house and how they shaped my love of my family as it is today. Look it up on youtube and give it a listen and see if it doesn't invoke that nostalgia that you are speaking of.

I know I have said this here before and I kind of feel like I'm in the minority when I say it, but I do honestly believe there is someone for everyone on this planet. I think that there is a lovely lady out there who is the perfect fit for you and I know when the timing is right you will find each other. I'm not a particularly religious person and I'm not trying to spout religion here, but I do think that God has a master plan for everyone and that plan definitely happens on HIS timeline, not ours.

I wish nothing but the best for you, Andrew, and hope you find that special lady. In the meantime, I'm glad you are still here posting because it just wouldn't be the same without you. laugh


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
AndrewP #2835710 02/04/19 02:31 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
Glad your still here as well, although i always wind up hungry when i read your posts.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
AndrewP #2835821 02/04/19 11:42 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Posting here to get it off my chest / mind.

I'm really worried about CL - she messaged me this morning just briefly in reply to what I wrote at the end of the conversation on Saturday which she had dropped off of part way through. It was just a one line message - but I could feel the struggle she is having. Perhaps all in my imagination but I can imagine how tough a divorce from an uncooperative attorney can be. Very similar in tone to the last few exchanges. The sassy, snarky, upbeat woman I met last summer isn't visible. There were suggestions I could make around documenting visitation / custody issues but I've kept silent on that.

Not for me to fix - I can feel my inner Don Quixote waking - she can best deal with this without me as a distraction. She is a smart, capable woman. I do believe that she has a good support network.

-------

Been taking to heart some of the comments about the OLD thing and have been expanding my browsing making an effort to look beyond the superficial. Still browsing. I did notice that lady #3 hasn't been online since early December. Perhaps she's given up on that avenue. I had not been doing much checking of profiles but decided to change that. Yes - some people who might not be a good match may notice me, but getting noticed is what I'm there for.

I did laugh because of the hits my profile got today all but 2 were 'bots / scammers whose profiles were gone by the time I checked. 1 was a neck down shot of a young woman in lingerie - undoubtedly not the sort of person who is looking for a guy who likes haggis.

Going out tomorrow after work for wings with a dear friend and am hoping to get another appointment for another laser tattoo removal treatment. Been trying to get it gone for about a year now. That woman really got under my skin it would seem wink

Well - those dishes aren't doing themselves and my lunch for tomorrow needs to be made. The tiny fairies seem to be taking the evening off so I'd best get it taken care of myself.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP #2836071 02/06/19 04:10 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Wednesday morning. Time for a regular diary entry. I'm on my second pot of tea at this point.

Somewhat nasty freezing rain day here. On the radio they were mentioning centimetres of ice which cause me to take particular notice. Usually they only talk millimetres. I'll need to double check my emergency kit a bit later. The power is still on and I can hope that it will stay on but this is pretty typical of the days when it is pretty much guaranteed to fail. All the school buses are canceled but the roads are all still open. S24 went off to work today and I see trucks and cars going down the road still.

For my emergency kit, 2 cats and lots of blankets is certainly part of it. I have a camp stove and small propane bottles if I need to make another pot of tea. I also have a small ceramic propane heater that is rated for indoor service. My house is old and somewhat drafty and I use it in the kitchen if I need to where the carbon monoxide detector is. It's probably been 5 or 6 years though since I pulled that out. We've been fortunate. My ex and I would take turns staying up with the heater because I felt that it shouldn't be left unattended especially in a house with cats. I have a battery powered radio, a couple of flashlights including 2 that are manually powered, a fully charged secondary power source for my cell phone and undoubtedly a few other things that aren't worth listing.

I'm currently waiting for the piano tuner to show up - he perhaps will while I'm composing this. I do take my time as I type a bit, work a bit, think a bit, pet a cat a bit as I do this. Well - he just called and cancelled again. Which is good as staying safe is far more important than tuning a piano that doesn't get played. On the other hand as a small business person I'm sure he'd like to get the job done and get paid.

Speaking of playing piano, I had dinner with one of my best friends last night. He suggested that he has some "learn to play the piano" videos that he'll share with me. So perhaps this thing will get played after-all. Learning to play the piano has never been high up on my life goals but it would be neat if I could bang out something recognizable other than scales which is my sole accomplishment. We had some entertainment over dinner as I handed him my phone and he browsed through the POF app and the available ladies. When the waitress came by I commented "oh don't mind us, we're just checking out my dating profile" which made her laugh and say that she and her friends also often do that. She was wearing some "I'd like a high tip please" clothes which were a bit distracting. I did joke to her a bit later that she was probably younger than my youngest. She wasn't sure but at 21 she was. I don't think she was creeped out at all - probably thinking "what nice old guys" - and yes we did tip well for the excellent service that she provided.

I had been intending yesterday on getting another laser treatment to get rid of the "true love knot" tattoo that I got in 2010 but they weren't able to fit me in at short notice. An appointment has been made for next week. Hopefully the last one. My skin has become lighter in that band and the hair isn't growing back properly from all the zapping. Most of it is gone and unless you looked carefully and in the right spot you wouldn't even notice it. But I still want it as gone as I reasonably can.

I was whacked right in the feels yesterday by that Facebook Memories thing. A retrospective video from 2014 popped up and in it, it showed a lot of pictures of my ex and of her and I as a happy loving couple. Which we were. I've purged pretty much every trace of her from my social media so this was a fresh hit and my first impulse was to share it and comment on how much the world had changed. I didn't but sent it to a friend instead as a displacement action. I've looked at it probably a dozen times now. It shows what was and never will be again.

It does make me, like many of my friends and many here wonder what the h3ll she threw all that away for? Discount priced yogurt and an apartment over the liquor store? Her perspective on this may very well be different. I don't know and probably never will. And perhaps she doesn't know either.

I do believe that she saw S24 again last night. I don't know for sure but it matched the pattern where S24 is waiting for someone and then leaves saying he's going out but not where. If it's not his mother he always tells me. Oddly as has happened numerous times her seeing him has corresponded with me arriving home. It's good if she is spending more time trying to reconnect with her son. From the door banging when he got home though I think that S24 was grumpy after the visit. No way to know for sure and not my issue.

I do find that these reminders of my ex at this time are working to desensitize me to her and what she did - so no "real" need to whack me with a 2X4. If I reach down, I can find the anger and hurt but I have to look for it. My feeling at this point is a large sadness for what this person has done to her own life and to that of those she professed to love.

Which does bring me to the MLC/selfish jerk discussion I was having the other day with DnJ high-jacking another thread. She certainly followed most of the requisite steps in the MLC script as it is described here. One difference between her and some others but also similar to others is that she seemed to have a very hard time letting go of both me and her former life. I do know for certain that there was significant outside pressure on her not to mention the boiling pressure of peri-menopause along with being an empty-nester with a husband who worked long hours. Presumably there was pressure from OM although I now believe he was just looking for a piece of tail and never expected her to leave me despite his protestations of devotion. A huge amount from her sister and brother though to leave me along with a small number of enabling friends. Her phone used to beep almost continuously and she was always getting long phone calls initiated by those friends and family members.

She did also have agency though and deliberately and repeatedly made choices that were not consistent with her obligations and her vows. I think that having destroyed my family that my ex in-laws have stopped pushing her along and have gone back to ignoring their much younger sister who they largely ignored for most of her life.

From what I gather she rarely sees her enabling friends - at least that's what they've told me. Her guy very likely is still in the picture and undoubtedly is happy with the status quo. Where he has a girlfriend when he wants who doesn't take much care or maintenance. My own opinion is that he quite possibly has more than one.

She still possesses agency and the ability to choose where her path goes and what she does. But that is her future and not mine.

-------------------

In other news my OLD adventure is trundling along. Based on some suggestions here I re-evaluated my approach. I did send a message to one lady yesterday who hasn't been active on the platform for a month or so. She may never see it. I've got about a dozen ladies now who look like they could be a good fit of various sizes, ages and appearance. I do laugh at the presumably 'BOTs that have been doing the favourite thing although they may be real people. Scantily clad middle-aged ladies in a different country for the most part. There have been some real people too but none who fit my criteria.

And - so you ask - what is Andrew's criteria?
  • Someone who lives locally enough to where I live or the local plant that I work at 2 days / week so that the logistics of dating is reasonable.
  • Who is age appropriate and still active with a healthy lifestyle (no drugs / not a heavy smoker). Doesn't need to be super fit and TBH I find some extra curves attractive.
  • Perhaps oddly, not someone who brags about being financially independent and owning their own house - because "I" don't want to move.
  • Certainly someone who is regularly employed and able to cover their own costs which eliminates the SAHM types. I "could" support another person or two but would prefer not to.
  • Some education at least as can be determined by spelling and by interests.
  • Honest photos / profile
  • A bit sassy
  • Mostly a home-body who likes doing normal stuff like going to antique markets and such as opposed to the world-traveler / bucket list type.
  • Not a freshly minted single person but someone who has been able to find out who they are


Following kml's suggestion, I adjusted my filters to only show women of colour and added a couple of apparently nice ladies to my list based on that.

The plan is to contact one or two a week while keeping an open mind about anyone who might reach out to me. Given the way these things work though I don't expect to be receiving first contact messages.

Well - enough time of being distracted with this. I have gotten about 5 memos out and dealt with 2 pricing / delivery issues so I am earning my pay after a fashion.

S24 just came home unexpectedly his work day being shortened. He fell twice on the ice on the sidewalks he said. We reviewed where the emergency supplies were, how to drain the plumbing if it came to that and my OLD adventures. He had a laugh telling me about things he's seen where automated tools are used in Tinder etc to just spam everyone.

Until later.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP #2836079 02/06/19 05:17 PM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952

Andrew,

I'm sorry but I've got to critique your writing. In the first three paragraphs of your post you build a narrative about the coming apocalypse. Granted, it sounds like things any Canadian would have to deal with on a daily basis, but I understand that you have to convey the grim reality of your existence in a way that your fair weathered readers can understand. Then, in the forth paragraph you tell us that you're waiting on the piano tuner to show up. Reader's whiplash! Your readers are expecting you to tell us how your very survival is hanging by a thread, but what we get is a piano tuner.

My neck is still sore. I'm thinking about contacting a personal injury lawyer. You really need to be responsible with your writing.

AndrewP #2836090 02/06/19 06:14 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
It's a game of numbers, you've got to message 100 to talk to 20 or 30, and out of those you might meet 4 or 5 and 1 or 2 of those might be worth seeing again. It's a ton of work and takes a ton of time, so prepare yourself!


The above comes from someone else's thread but it really is so accurate that I thought it might help for you to read it. The fact that someone other than me wrote it can only help. smile although I very much agree with every word. Many of us started out like you are sending a couple messages a week. Sadly that is very unlikely to net many results. Being new on the platform you have a short window of opportunity to attract increased attention. Because you actually paid to join that's increased. You may want to take full advantage of this. While a few guys have had luck in waiting for someone to contact them first that does not often work for many guys.

It really is a game of numbers and the stats Another Stander puts out really are accurate. You can therefore see how sending only a couple a week is not likely to get you anywhere other than frustrated. Sending out 10 really will only get the average guy a couple returns. Sending 20 might get you 5 which might get you one date. It really is that low.

Remember you don't have to fully fall for someone to go out on a date. Just the practice will help and getting that first OLD meet up under your belt will help get your feet wet. Do with this what you will. I'd just hate to see anyone disappointed early on and unless Lady Luck is on your side sending only a few messages a week is likely to do that. OLD is brutal enough, might as well try to put the odds in your favor and the best way to do that is by sending 20 messages a week rather than two.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
AndrewP #2836093 02/06/19 06:31 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
My cents......I did not like POF. After you get your feet wet you might consider Match or EHarmony. I never had any success on POF but I have on Match and BUBMLE. I also did not have much success sending emails to woman although I with the DR but she put herself in my orbit by putting herself on my daily Match list. If she hadn't not sure I would have reached out. On Match I will usually wait for them to like my profile and when they do then I will check their profile out to see if I like what I see. On BUMBLE I will swipe on my own from time to time but usually I will just look at my list of who swiped R on me. Believe it or not women do swipe and some just don't want to rely on who likes them. As far as pictures go I have the following:

1. A full body shot
2. An active shot of me and my 3 friends riding bikes
3. A picture of my and my daughters at Easter
4. Another active shot of my riding one of those BIRD scooters
5. Another active shot of me and my oldest riding a jetski
6. A picture of my and 2 buddies at a concert
7. A picture of me and a couple of friends at my birthday party
8. A picture of me and 2 of my buddies at a bar.

The first pictures are of me solo so by the time they get to the group shots they know it is me. I tried to mix and match it some with solo and group shots but I wanted people to get the idea that I am a sociable person. There is also only 1 selfie which is of me and my buddies at a bar.

It is very hit or miss but you have to go through the bad to get to the good.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
AndrewP #2836111 02/06/19 08:03 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
doodler - I believe that Ginger1 knows where you can get a lotion for whiplash. You'll have to find your own nurse to apply it though.

---------

Thanks guys for the OLD input. Given the rural area I live in, the number of possible matches are relatively small. Comparing Match to POF, more women in my geography are on POF. I'd be surprised if there was more than a handful on something like Bumble or EHarmony.

Not being a super active guy, I actually have pictures of pie on my profile hoping to attract a home-body who I can cook for. The person I am and want to project isn't someone who hangs out with his buddies at the gym, ball game or bar. He's the guy who likes pie and going for walks in the woods or perhaps Madrid.

Bumble is more for professional women to find professional type mates I think. My barber's daughter found her current husband on Bumble a couple of days after dumping her old one. Again - the sort of woman I could imagine being on Bumble isn't what I have any expectation of connecting with.

Yes - I do know that it is indeed a numbers game but if I were to message 100 women, it would be pretty much everyone for 2 counties wink I do know also that my odds are low on this approach and will continue to try to meet women IRL. I'm not in a hurry and not heavily invested. I am finding it interesting at this point though and somewhat amusing.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP #2836115 02/06/19 08:36 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
J9, you mention in your picture list several pics of your daughters. I've seen 2 schools of thought on posting pics of your kids: some say sure, do it and some say no way. Obviously you are in the sure, do it camp. Do you think it increases your odds of getting responses? That sounded creepy, didn't it? I don't mean that you are using your daughters for attention, so please don't take it that way. What I meant is that it obviously shows you are an involved family man which is a very attractive quality for some so I just wondered what the logic was in using pics with your kids. This is not something I really even had to think about when I started OLD because my daughters were (are) adults, so I wasn't posting pics of me with them. In fact, I don't think any of my profile pics had other people in them (though I'm in total agreement on the full body shots...I used those too, in the interest of full disclosure about my size). I'm just interested to see how those who have younger children feel about it and what their logic is for either using or not using kid pics.

Andrew, I too live in a small place and found that there were more folks in my area on POF, so it was the route I chose as well. I know others that live in larger areas than I do who have had some varying degrees of success on the other sites mentioned, especially Match. Until I started seeing it pop up on this board, I had never even heard of Bumble. It was probably a variety of things in my case, but I sent and received very few messages. Some of it was the area and I'm sure some of it was people just weren't interested and that is fine. I say that to tell you that I think you are going in with the right attitude and slow and steady wins the race, so if sending a few messages at a time is what works for you, then go for it. It is definitely an interesting experience.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard