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Old thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2834966&page=11

I dont know what to say guys. I feel like anything with my wife is unhealthy. I dont know what to do but drop the rope as you guys say. Its so hard to care about her. We had lunch a few days ago. Talked for 2.5 hours. I love this woman for who she is underneath all the pain, trauma and walls. I know she has no self worth. When she opens up.

The next day I went to drop off D4 stuff and dog to W. I should have dropped the stuff and left. I went upstairs shes a hungover mess. She invites me into bed. We were close. I left it at you need to love yourself enough for me to love you. I cant care about you if you dont care enough about yourself. She says she has love for me. She asked me to kiss her back, hold her. I told her these are table scraps. She said thats all she has.

My birthday is 2/10. I told her vulnerability is the key to all other emotions. If she chooses to be vulnerable, love and be happy with me Id love to see it. Asked her to respect that I cant be in this space much longer. I feel like the best thing for my future is to divorce her. She says she doesnt want to be married ever again, she doesnt want any more kids. The marriage is over.

Other women are throwing themselves at me. Friends are messaging me offering me dates with gorgeous women they want to set up. Ive given in and had casual sex recently. I told these women honestly thats all I was looking for was energy exchange and connection. Not anything serious or long term. And they eat up the honesty. I literally have women I could do this with mutliple times per week. I read something recently from a therapist saying casual sex was fine and the dopeamine and positive chemicals are healthy if both set expectations and are honest. But I think it may make me feel worse. Last night this sexy flight attendant invited me over... it was fun for a while. But then I couldnt sleep and left at 5am.

I have to be more disciplined. I need to reach my goals and be consistent. Im struggling internally but good things keep happening. I live in a grateful mindset. I have more feelings than ever in my life. I used to repress everything. I got a great offer for a 75k plus bonuses for my job as a lacrose director. Rather than being paid a high hourly rate. There is no hourly commitment. I can still write, coach, travel, do anything else I want.

The happiness is fleeting. I feel so bad for my daughter, I love her so much. For all the kids that have split families. I wish there was something more I can do. I guess all I can do is let her go. And be cosistent. W says she needs time to think alone. I dont trust her. Why should I. Why do I still want this woman as my partner, lover and best friend? When I was over there yesterday looking at her, she says your pupils are huge. I said whats that mean. She says that you love me. Why do you still love me so much. I had no answer.

I know your advice will be you idiot youre pursuing again. Do what works not what you think should work. Go dark. I have said everything there is to say. I will not reach out to her again. Everytime I think to reach out Im going to do pushups. WTF I gotta do something.

Definitely feeling empty. I need to build a home for myself with myself. And not look for anyone else to fill the void. Thanks for those that are still here and havent given up on me. I will stop making mistakes. Right now. I will be more disciplined. I will be stronger. I deserve better. I can not allow this to continue.

Last post from AnotherStander below hits home with a [censored] metal bat, a wood 2x4 isnt enough. Maybe I need to cry it out a bit and mourn the loss of my wife. Shes gone. Heading to the gym then energy / spiritual healer. Tomorrow session with life / business coach. D4 to me tonight. Free Saturday night. Do I date. Do I focus on being ok being alone and write... thanks again all. Love this community.

AS-
I miss my wife. I don't miss my ex. My ex is not my wife. She is not the person that swore to love, honor and cherish until death do we part. She is not the one that never left my side when I was sick. She is not the one that snuggled up to me on cold nights to warm her bootie. She is not the one that gazed at me when I played with the kids like I was the Greatest Man that had Ever Walked the Earth. She is not the one that loved me unconditionally. I'm sorry Did but the woman you fell in love with is gone. You are clinging to memories. You don't want to let go of this current person she is because you are hoping beyond hope that the person she was will somehow rise back to the surface. It's not going to happen. Hang onto the memories but let go of the fantasy.


H: 33 W:32
M: 5 T: 8
D: 4
BD: 6/2017
MO: 6/2017
House sold: 6/28/18
W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18
Paying $ support since 7/18.
Physical Reconnect- 10/18
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Originally Posted by Did
She says she doesnt want to be married ever again, she doesnt want any more kids. The marriage is over.


Brace yourself. The day is coming in 1, 2 or 4 years from now that she will be engaged, get married, and have kids. This is a "Let him down easy" statement. I've seen it a million times if I've seen it once. It will happen and you have to be emotionally prepared for the fact that the day is coming.

Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. In your case I say that is amped up to need to be believe NOTHING she says and NOTHING she does.

Did, your sitch reminds me so much of OrangeK's sitch. The big difference being that he had no access to his W because of a restraining order. Other than that, your actions, where you try to find solace, the self-justifications, all of it.

Seriously? Because a therapist said it it okay to have casual sex? While you are still legally married? And still pining to be with your W? Did, what does ethics and morals say? Forget some random therapist that I assume you found on the internet. I could find someone writing on the internet to justify murder. It doesn't make it right.

Do the right thing. So that in 10, 20, and 30 years from now you can look your daughter in the face and say "I did the right thing." By all means pursue these other women, AFTER you divorce your W. No one here will blame you for filing for D. In fact, in your sitch, I am now Team D. There will be plenty of women AFTER the D.

Hang in there. Think about what is best for you. For your D4. And for moving forward. Because I will be frank with you, this latest post AIN'T IT.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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I know Steve you’re absolutely right. I’m going to be more disciplined. Starts right now. I know what to do. Actions speak.


H: 33 W:32
M: 5 T: 8
D: 4
BD: 6/2017
MO: 6/2017
House sold: 6/28/18
W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18
Paying $ support since 7/18.
Physical Reconnect- 10/18
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Did, I'm happy and sad to read this update. I hope you remember this feeling and this realization the next time your W texts you to keep you on her hook. I hope you stay disciplined and let this situation fuel your detachment. If you stick to it, you will begin to feel better overall but it will take time. And you never know what may change in regards to saving this marriage if you give it time.

And I'm really excited about the lacrosse director position. So cool.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Im moving on with my life. W dropped Go F yourself, Eat Sht to me on the phone yesterday. I refuse to have unhealthy relationships in my life. I never would allow anyone to speak like that in my life. Im done. She plays the victim and manipulates me. She is relying on her stepdad for work, relying on me for money. Constant victim. Acts like a spoiled teenager. Oh by the way I went on a date with a doctor who was voted top 100 in the country and we hit it off. I deserve better. F this BS. During convo when W cursed at me she presented Kindergarten prices for D4 ranging from $8k - $17k. I live in a great school district. I do not appreciate being treated like a bank. W Mentioned her mom offered to pay (she has an awful relationship with her mom and I can not allow this). Guilt trip. Im torn on private vs public. Going to tour the 8k school. Also need to look into the public schools more thoroughly.

Thoughts on this agreement below? I have not paid support for February. And plan on having W sign this and giving her a check tomorrow. Accepting divorce as the best outcome for my future.

H and W financial agreement.

H will pay W $2325 per month as spousal support and child support. This support started in July 2018. This support will last for 12 monthly payments. At that point child support will be determined.
There will be no more spousal support or alimony paid after 12 months. There will be no payment or splits from any other accounts, properties or other shared finances.

W left the marital home in June 2017 and used shared credit cards until finances were split in July 2017.

H currently pays the following monthly payments:
YMCA: $114 & $106
Health Insurance: $491.25
Life insurance: $28.91 (W) H to continue to pay for life insurance for W and H. Life insurance policies to remain in each other’s names as claimants.
Custody to remain 50/50. H has offered to get childcare as needed to help with work schedules.

Last edited by Did; 02/07/19 05:22 AM.

H: 33 W:32
M: 5 T: 8
D: 4
BD: 6/2017
MO: 6/2017
House sold: 6/28/18
W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18
Paying $ support since 7/18.
Physical Reconnect- 10/18
W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
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Did,

Just curious, if there wasn't any legal and binding agreement beforehand why were you paying support? Is this an agreement you came up with or your L? Is this your arrangement and you are filing pro se? If so have a L review it.

Here is my opinion and others may disagree.
I used to live in a state that was top 10 for public education now I live in a state that is closer to the bottom. We put our kids in private school because of this. However 8k - 17k for Kindergarten?


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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Originally Posted by Did
Im moving on with my life. W dropped Go F yourself, Eat Sht to me on the phone yesterday. I refuse to have unhealthy relationships in my life. I never would allow anyone to speak like that in my life. Im done. She plays the victim and manipulates me. She is relying on her stepdad for work, relying on me for money. Constant victim. Acts like a spoiled teenager. Oh by the way I went on a date with a doctor who was voted top 100 in the country and we hit it off. I deserve better. F this BS. During convo when W cursed at me she presented Kindergarten prices for D4 ranging from $8k - $17k. I live in a great school district. I do not appreciate being treated like a bank. W Mentioned her mom offered to pay (she has an awful relationship with her mom and I can not allow this). Guilt trip. Im torn on private vs public. Going to tour the 8k school. Also need to look into the public schools more thoroughly.

Thoughts on this agreement below? I have not paid support for February. And plan on having W sign this and giving her a check tomorrow. Accepting divorce as the best outcome for my future.

H and W financial agreement.

H will pay W $2325 per month as spousal support and child support. This support started in July 2018. This support will last for 12 monthly payments. At that point child support will be determined.
There will be no more spousal support or alimony paid after 12 months. There will be no payment or splits from any other accounts, properties or other shared finances.

W left the marital home in June 2017 and used shared credit cards until finances were split in July 2017.

H currently pays the following monthly payments:
YMCA: $114 & $106
Health Insurance: $491.25
Life insurance: $28.91 (W) H to continue to pay for life insurance for W and H. Life insurance policies to remain in each other’s names as claimants.
Custody to remain 50/50. H has offered to get childcare as needed to help with work schedules.


On the kindergarten. $8k - $17k is insane and she is insane for suggesting it. Kindergarten is not even state mandated in many states! That's right, you do not have to even send your child to kindergarten, so spending that kind of money for is crazy and she is OUT OF HER MIND for even suggesting it.

Did, the agreement needs to be vetted by a good divorce attorney.

So when are you filing for D?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Originally Posted by Did
W dropped Go F yourself, Eat Sht to me on the phone yesterday.


In response to anything in particular or just spewed it out at random?

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I never would allow anyone to speak like that in my life.


What was your response when she said that? Just say "I will not be spoken to in this manner" and then hang up.

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Oh by the way I went on a date with a doctor who was voted top 100 in the country and we hit it off.


That's good, but just make sure you're not dating to rub it in your W's face. Make sure your reasons for dating are pure. I say this because who cares what her profession is, I get the impression you're just mentioning it to show how much "better" a choice she is than your W.

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Thoughts on this agreement below? I have not paid support for February. And plan on having W sign this and giving her a check tomorrow.


My thoughts are this. You want a signed agreement with a woman who in the same post you described like this:

"She plays the victim and manipulates me. She is relying on her stepdad for work, relying on me for money. Constant victim. Acts like a spoiled teenager." You also mentioned that she told you to F yourself and eat poo. Now you want to sign an agreement with her? Look EVERYONE has been telling you for months to STOP PAYING HER MONEY. Forget the agreement, you say you are "done" then be done. Cut all support until the two of you come to a binding legal agreement in court.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Yes I want a signed agreement. I want this done. The financial agreement was done after meeting with a lawyer. A mediation attorney. L said I need to pay support, W needs to work. Support can be a verbal agreement in PA where we live. I want it in writing. When I give her the document Im going to tell her I want to make the divorce happen as easily and inexpensively as possible. Neither of us want to go to court. There are ways to just get the paperwork done for $500. Or the mediation is a couple thousand... We are on the same page unless she changes her mind... I dont want her mind to change so I want to get this sht done. The deal is better than anything Id get in court. Kindergarten is a whole nother story. Im going to tour the least expensive private school and look into public.

Just FT with them and shes nice and kind I feel this sense of loss. She has a feminine energy that is attractive to me.
Heaviness in my heart but wishing doesnt change anything. Change is hard and uncomfortable. She has shown she doesnt do hard stuff. But happiness is on the other side of the hard and uncomfrotable stuff. If W were consistent kind loving I would love to love this woman. Big IF. She isnt that way towards me anymore. Maybe she is with other men who have a blank slate. But there is too much resentment and negativity. I refuse to be disrespected. I am a great Fing guy a role model for hundreds of kids, a leader, a successful person, a great dad. I deserve better. If she gets better maybe theres a chance for a round two but. She blames trauma she is stuck in victim mode. Im done apologizing and making her think shes right (this is something new woman pointed out- apologies make the other person believe you're wrong and they're right- enabling her). I cant wait around anymore.

I feel more and more and more my best future is a new direction. Its sad and D4 deserves both parents full time. Shes an amazing little girl. But I feel going back would be moving backwards. Maybe in the future she will stop blaming me for everything. I made mistakes, I take accountability, I admit fault. I've changed, grown and continue to. Tomorrow Ill be better than I am today, next week, next month, next year.

With new woman I feel she is an equal. Someone I could grow with. We have met once so staying grounded... or trying to. After our date she kissed me hard. I was going for a kiss on the cheek to be respectful. She said she never does this her sister couldnt believe it. She has dated real estate moguls, plastic surgeons etc... She is independent and living a life in the space Im interested in. Personal growth, mental health, helping people. We're forced to take it slow because of schedules. She knows my situation. I have been honest about everything. Including physical attraction to W. Honestly I think that's all it is physical + D4s mom.

If anyone is interested I have gotten a lot of positive feedback on my blog.
I am committed to getting my book done and published by 2020. I started a facebook group for people going through separation / divorce / expired relationships. You can read my blog here and contact me if youd like to get in touch off DB. Cheers to everyone going through the struggle. Be strong and trust your intuition even if its not what you want... your best self is on the other side!

Last edited by Cadet; 02/07/19 04:21 PM. Reason: outside links not allowed

H: 33 W:32
M: 5 T: 8
D: 4
BD: 6/2017
MO: 6/2017
House sold: 6/28/18
W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18
Paying $ support since 7/18.
Physical Reconnect- 10/18
W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
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Originally Posted by Did
Yes I want a signed agreement. I want this done. The financial agreement was done after meeting with a lawyer. A mediation attorney. L said I need to pay support, W needs to work. Support can be a verbal agreement in PA where we live. I want it in writing. When I give her the document Im going to tell her I want to make the divorce happen as easily and inexpensively as possible. Neither of us want to go to court. There are ways to just get the paperwork done for $500. Or the mediation is a couple thousand...


OK sounds like you've done your homework. You've been in your sitch long enough to know if you want to pursue D, so if that's what you want then go for it. Based on what you've described for months I don't see your W changing for a long, long time. She's deep in the fog right now.

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We are on the same page unless she changes her mind...


Be prepared for that. My ex decided to screw me over in the 11th hour after we had already fully agreed to everything. Her L had drawn it up, we reviewed it and redmarked it, her L revised it, I signed it and THEN the ex decided she wanted more money and threatened a drawn-out court battle if I didn't rubber-stamp it. There is no logic or reason when it comes to a WAS so be prepared for anything.

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Just FT with them and shes nice and kind I feel this sense of loss. She has a feminine energy that is attractive to me.


Your W? It always mystifies me when people talk about their WAS calling them terrible things and treating them like dump and then they say she is so attractive. She sounds pretty ugly to me. Beautiful does not equal attractive. There are plenty of beautiful women in the world that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

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Im done apologizing and making her think shes right (this is something new woman pointed out- apologies make the other person believe you're wrong and they're right- enabling her). I cant wait around anymore.


Yes Sandi has talked about this before. Apologize earnestly and honestly for your mistakes ONE TIME and then let it go. There's no point in continuing to apologize over and over as it just makes you look weak and makes her think you really are the reason for everything wrong in her life.

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Its sad and D4 deserves both parents full time.


She deserves two loving parents which hopefully she will continue to have. Having both of them around 24/7 is an unrealistic expectation even if you stayed married.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Did you said:

Originally Posted by Did
Im moving on with my life.


So when are you filing for D?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Originally Posted by Did
When I give her the document Im going to tell her I want to make the divorce happen as easily and inexpensively as possible. Neither of us want to go to court. There are ways to just get the paperwork done for $500.


Does this include when there is a child involved in your state? Also, you mention 50/50 custody, is he going to agree to that?

Mediation is fine if you can agree. But have a lawyer ready because a lot of time mediation doesn't work.


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Steve - She is 100% on board with 50/50 custody. She tells me Im a great dad. Not sure if we go through mediator or I just file. Being the person I am I want to communicate honestly and openly with her. Lets just get it done the marriage is over. Based on the numbers in the document youre getting 75k. If she wants to go to court I would consider figthing for more custody but doubt we go that route.

As- The fog... WTF where does that come from? I dont get it. Where is reality. Hello checking in, reality here...

The reason I talked about OW. Is not just to say shes better. But its crazy how a gorgeous wealthy healthy doctor thinks Im a catch but a woman supported by me, who shares a child with me doesn't see it.... I tell people my goals they say thats awesome! I tell wife she says thats your ego. Umm who should be saying go F yourself here?!

I've written about this but - confident attracts confident, need attracts needy. I'm on to the higher vibration positive energy abundance mindset, go out and get it, be great, live your best life. Level up with me and ride the wave or get the F off the boat.


H: 33 W:32
M: 5 T: 8
D: 4
BD: 6/2017
MO: 6/2017
House sold: 6/28/18
W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18
Paying $ support since 7/18.
Physical Reconnect- 10/18
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Originally Posted by Did
Steve - She is 100% on board with 50/50 custody. She tells me Im a great dad. Not sure if we go through mediator or I just file. Being the person I am I want to communicate honestly and openly with her. Lets just get it done the marriage is over. Based on the numbers in the document youre getting 75k. If she wants to go to court I would consider figthing for more custody but doubt we go that route.


Filing for D doesn't preclude mediation. You can file for D, and still go through mediation.


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Originally Posted by Did
As- The fog... WTF where does that come from? I dont get it. Where is reality. Hello checking in, reality here...


I'm convinced in many cases it's some kind of physical or mental malady that is currently not understood. Maybe it never will be, but I suspect that some day we will understand these things better. We'll identify the problem before it goes too far and address it through medical intervention. Now that doesn't apply to all situations of course, there are cases of mental and physical abuse that certainly warrant a spouse leaving. But in most of the sitches here where the spouse has basically been body-snatched and re-written history, no that is not normal.

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But its crazy how a gorgeous wealthy healthy doctor thinks Im a catch but a woman supported by me, who shares a child with me doesn't see it.... I tell people my goals they say thats awesome! I tell wife she says thats your ego.


It comes down to the respect issue Sandi talks about a lot. Your W for whatever reason has lost respect for you, and as such, nothing you say or do is good enough for her. It's sad when a stranger has more respect for you than the person you've been married to for years, but nevertheless here we are. My ex is showing me much more respect now then she has since BD, so that does change as well. It's come back slowly and in phases. Is it because I've changed? Maybe but I think it has more to do with her slowly emerging from the fog.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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There is no sense mediating on things you already agree upon. My Xw and I sat at the kitchen table and agreed to it all. We just hired a L to write up the paperwork. $1250 and it was done.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Told w I wanted to divorce as smoothly and easily as possible. We have already agreed to terms. May talk tomorrow or next week. My birthday is Sunday. Pretty sad but it is what it is. I know I deserve a woman who respects me and is consistent. Not someone who treats me as is mentioned in previous couple posts. Still emotionally draining and just a low feeling. Thanks all for the support.


H: 33 W:32
M: 5 T: 8
D: 4
BD: 6/2017
MO: 6/2017
House sold: 6/28/18
W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18
Paying $ support since 7/18.
Physical Reconnect- 10/18
W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
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Did, take care of business and of yourself. Sounds like you got a lot of things going on and that you got a grip on them. Give yourself time to grieve but also enjoy your life and the next chapter. Enjoy your birthday.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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Hey all, I just wanted to check in. I've accepted my marriage is over. I am hoping to have a healthy, positive co-parenting relationship and provide the best possible life for D4. It's sad but I know I tried my best. I made mistakes of course. But W never wanted to work on the marriage, never committed to it since leaving June 2017. She still takes no accountability and continues to put herself in a victim state, relying on others and making bad decisions. She has no drive and that is not what I'm attracted to. I want a high class / high quality life and she is more of a netflix and chill person. So we are different. It was a 10 year relationship. Its sad but that ship has sailed. Im closing the door. We have mediation again 2/26. I am no longer going to enable. We tentatively agreed to put D4 in private kindergarten since I may be moving I cant push for public in the quality school district Im in. That being said I am not going to pay 100%. I may offer to pay 75% of the $8k kindergarten.

This separation was long as F. It included hundreds of sleepless nights for me. But also lots of self reflection feeling fears and doing them anyway, and finding myself. Through this journey I have become self aware, emotionally intelligent, stronger, more confident and a 10x better man. This is what DB is about and this amazing community is has helped me and so many others. Unfortunately, it didn't save my marriage. But more importantly it did set me up for an incredible future and life. I know I will impact hundreds or thousands of people. And I can not allow one woman to drag me down.

I recently committed to a new relationship with a woman who is ironically a psychologist, she's extremely successful with multiple practices, attractive, strong, independent and also a bit of a bad as*. She's one of the most desired women in the city which I live closest to. I feel very grateful and hopeful for this new relationship. The communication and connection is incredible. It feels right, I believe in the law of attraction and I have been visualizing a relationship with a woman like her. You get what you put out, your words and thoughts have power, your self identity is key. Confident attracts confident, needy attracts needy. I know the journey many of you are [censored] and is so difficult. But I'm telling you if you accept what life hands you, follow DB principles which promote positivity, growth and internal happiness you can use this situation to open doors rather than close them. I may not post here too often but you can follow my journey as I work towards my goals of being a life coach and published author (one of my visualizations is my book on the NY Times best seller list).

My blog is here- https://thecatalystforchangedot.wordpress.com/blog/
I am getting some tremendous feedback on the most recent post. I also started a facebook book to help build people up similar to this forum but with a bit more of a personal touch. It's a private group - Expired Relationships, Divorce, Separation- Opening Doors To Your Best Life

Thank you and cheers to your best life!


H: 33 W:32
M: 5 T: 8
D: 4
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MO: 6/2017
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Recently committed to a new relationship, huh? '

I am going to be 100% bluntly honest. A post maybe a week ago has shown you were not detached at all from your ex. Now you are in a committed relationship with not detaching from this one?

Did, I follow you. Checked out your blog. Would you suggest this as something to do to one of your clients? Because you were/care very codependent, haven't spent time alone, and only seem to say the R is over now that you have "committed" to a new woman. And a phychologist of all people would know this isn't healthy.

I respect your journey to be the best you that you could be. But you have to walk what you are going to preach to others. You were ready to take you wife back a week ago if "she leveled up" and now you are in a committed relationship to another woman. You have one foot in one R and and never fully out before you jumped into another. If you want to be the coach and guide others in this world, ask yourself if you would suggest keeping on your journey and growth while having both feet out of an R for a while (especially when you displayed such a high level of codepencence) or you would tell your clients to just move to the next.

I've been here 11 years and I have never seen it work out well this way. Sorry to be so honest and a Debbie Downer, but I have also learned you have to practice what you preach.

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Hey man how's it going?

What is the mediation appointment for? Did you file for divorce?

Education is important, I went to private schools for 12 years. The biggest factor in my education was my father sitting down with me and my brother every night and doing homework and studying together. It was one of the very few things he got right in parenting. Were you always planning on sending your daughter to private education?


H 34
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Brief from phone. No time. I have been alone for months. W and I have had brief reconnects. I’m fine being alone. And literally forced myself to be alone about 6 months ago to get through that fear. Codependent in previous relationship. Yea I was. And will never be thet way again. For the longest time I was hopeful for the family but I wanted W to change. She is who she is. I am detached. I accept life. I believe I’m on the right path and the universe continues to show me with positive things when I’m in a positive place. Family and my daughter does not make a healthy relationship with W. It’s not even close. We can barely communicate. I am taking my own advice to a tee and living the things I write about.

Private school no. Public after kindergarten. Private because I’m moving. And because she’s an August birthday and will be the youngest in her class. Great point on homework. Thanks ovr and ginger. Appreciate the perspectives.

Last edited by Did; 02/16/19 03:49 PM.

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Hey Did. Glad you are moving on. I for one am glad you are getting attention from another woman. Just take it slow. I also have met a new woman. Its very nice to meet a woman that provides positive attention and support. Just need to not take it too fast.

I agree that you need to make sure you are detached from your W. I am 100% detached and have been. I am one click above hating my STBXW. However, I will try my best to not hate her. Her actions make it easy to do so. Good luck Did and remember SLOW and steady with the new woman.


M:16
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WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
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W and I agreed on all D terms yesterday. Very mature meeting, just the two of us. Filed for D. Signing today with notary then submitting to court. Feeling of light, positive, bright future. I want the D. XW lip trembling, tears multiple times. Said Im a person too in regard to me trying to push this along. Mind you we have been separated since June 2017.

$750 / mo child support after 1 year of $2325. I offered $1000 CS. Said Id pay for K private school and health insurance or at $750 or W pay 25% at $1000. Child support to be renogiated annually based on her income.

Rental property W agreed to paint interior. About to put 5k into house before new renters. She gets up to $7500 of equity if she has financial diress up to 2022. At any point up until 2022 she can waive that $6500 and accept $3000.

50/50 custody. D4 go to public school after K. I had help from lawyer and new woman who is familiar with child custody and beenm to court. OVerall I am good with agreements.

New business opportunites. Travel opportunities. Mentioned new woman meeting STBXW. Potentially ask STBXW if she wants to this weekend. Out of respect for her as D4 mom I would like her to meet New woman. NW going to help me decorate D4 room. She is an extremely supporitve and strong. Almost too good to be true but we are both such positive people we deserve happiness. It seems like its the way it should be.

For those currently going through the struggle. Embrace DB principles. Let go of control. Work on yourself. Let go of relationship. If partner comes back great, amazing. If not, the future is better without them.

Cheers, see you on the other side.


H: 33 W:32
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Did glad to see you healthy and happy and moving forward. I still think you should have waited until after D to start dating, but I realize that I am old-fashioned and modern society doesn't see it that way. But otherwise, very happy for you.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
I still think you should have waited until after D to start dating, but I realize that I am old-fashioned and modern society doesn't see it that way.


That sadly may be true. However, the modern professional community of counsellors and therapists thankfully still do. I'm always very surprised to see the number of people who bounce so quickly to a new R - often with the first or second person they date. hopefully it works out.


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I appreciate the respectful tone of your messages. However, ultimately I think the decision to date or not to date while separated is a personal one. Especially in the case of a LBS, the MR is generally over and done with even if the paperwork hasn't been (or can't be completed.) I don't see the benefit in passing judgement on people who are doing the best they can to move on with their lives.

Did, congrats on getting to such a good place. It's been a quite ride following your sitch, and I'm happy to see you end up where you are!


W 34 Me 42
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Originally Posted by Davide
I appreciate the respectful tone of your messages. However, ultimately I think the decision to date or not to date while separated is a personal one. Especially in the case of a LBS, the MR is generally over and done with even if the paperwork hasn't been (or can't be completed.) I don't see the benefit in passing judgement on people who are doing the best they can to move on with their lives.

Did, congrats on getting to such a good place. It's been a quite ride following your sitch, and I'm happy to see you end up where you are!


Davide, while I agree with you and do not believe this should be mandated to the individual in any way, I have been around for nearly 50 years now and can tell you that the wrong decision can backfire. When Did's D4 is 18, and his W tells her "your dad and step-mom were together before we were divorced" he won't be able to refute that. I've seen it happen.


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I did not date until my D was final and I can look both of my daughters in the eye and tell them that I never cheated on their mom and I honored my vows until the end. On a personal level I healed on my own and did not seek out another person to help get me through it with validation.

To each their own however for me it goes against my core values.


Married 14, Together 17
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M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
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This is going to fall on deaf ears but I’ll give it a shot.

Your timeline indicates you began dating this woman early February, entered a “committed relationship” mid feb, and before you even leave feb she is involved in your 4 year olds daughter’s life and you are introducing her to your current wife?

You don’t see a problem with this?

Date all you want before technical divorce. For your own personal growth a committed relationship after a few dates isn’t healthy but it is what it is.

But I encourage you to think twice about the involvent of your four year old daughter with another woman you’ve known for a month while going through a divorce . I urge you.

In 11 years I’ve inteoduced d my daughter to 3 guys. All years after divorce. One I regret. I did it soon only because she knew him already. But I shouldn’t have had us spend so much together. Because it ended in 3 months. There one day, gone tomorrow.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 6 months and when we really got to know each other and saw a future, we then autiously decided to introduce our kids 2 weeks ago.


You have he added transition of actively going through a divorce.

It should be one step at a time for you, but if not that, at least for her

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Excellent post Ginger.


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I'll throw my two cents in here. I couldn't even imagine dating while your still married no matter what your spouse is doing. That would absolutely make me sick to my stomach. In the end we all have our own values, beliefs . In our own relationships us lbs were loyal to our vows and our spouses werent. So obviously ya everyone will see things differently here... If you want to date that bad I guess you could always file for D if your spouse isn't doing so , that way you can get it over with and start dating. To each their own

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I knew I would stir up a hornet's nest with my comment. (Sorry for the hijack Did)

There is a certain holier-than-thou tinge to stating that everyone is free to do what they want even though it goes against your core values. You don't need to sit in judgement of others' actions in order to feel righteous in your own.

I agree that a LBS needs to heal on their own, and it is not healthy to use another person to do that. That's not a moral judgement, but rather a practical one. It's also irrelevant to the question of dating while separated.

That said, I would agree that I would proceed with caution before introducing D4 to another woman. One month is not enough time to know where a relationship is going. I am dating a woman with a three year old. We have been seeing each other for a month and there has been no talk about me spending time with the child yet (there is no father in the picture it was IVF.) She doesn't want to introduce someone who might not be there long term into his life. And that is without the complication of an ex or a divorce.


W 34 Me 42
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Originally Posted by Davide
I knew I would stir up a hornet's nest with my comment. (Sorry for the hijack Did)

There is a certain holier-than-thou tinge to stating that everyone is free to do what they want even though it goes against your core values. You don't need to sit in judgement of others' actions in order to feel righteous in your own.

I agree that a LBS needs to heal on their own, and it is not healthy to use another person to do that. That's not a moral judgement, but rather a practical one. It's also irrelevant to the question of dating while separated.

That said, I would agree that I would proceed with caution before introducing D4 to another woman. One month is not enough time to know where a relationship is going. I am dating a woman with a three year old. We have been seeing each other for a month and there has been no talk about me spending time with the child yet (there is no father in the picture it was IVF.) She doesn't want to introduce someone who might not be there long term into his life. And that is without the complication of an ex or a divorce.



Please continue this discussion here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2839357#Post2839357


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Originally Posted by bubbs16
I'll throw my two cents in here. I couldn't even imagine dating while your still married no matter what your spouse is doing. That would absolutely make me sick to my stomach. In the end we all have our own values, beliefs . In our own relationships us lbs were loyal to our vows and our spouses werent. So obviously ya everyone will see things differently here... If you want to date that bad I guess you could always file for D if your spouse isn't doing so , that way you can get it over with and start dating. To each their own


The bible says that if your spouse is unfaithful that you have no duty to uphold your vows and can divorce them. There is nothing morally, legally or religiously wrong with dating after your spouse has tossed your vows in the trash and started having sex with another person.

A marriage doesnt work when only one person cares about the vows. All that does is hurt the LBS. If someone wants to date after their spouse cheats on them and tells them ILYBNILWY, they should be able to do so when they feel like it. I for one have zero interest in R with my WW. My WW treated me horribly and cheated on me and decided to stay wayward. I am not going to waste the rest of my 30's hoping that she sees the light and decides to apologize. I found another woman who treats me well and I am absolutely enjoying her company and attention.

I can agree that one shouldn't just to find another lover as a revenge cheat. That just hurts everyone. If you are completely moving on and have zero expectation for R, then there shouldnt be any issue with dating someone. It also helps to see that there are plenty of other people in this world that are more than happy to show you the love and attention you deserve. Thats my humble opinion.


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Hey all. Whoa touch subject huh?! Haha. I’m good I can take it. I haven’t introduced the new woman to my daughter. She’s an amazing person and a child psychiatrist to boot. I’m going to give XW one more chance to meet her first.

Remember my separation started June 2017 to all who weren’t following my sitch. 3 months in my X told me to date and was almost living with someone. We weren’t divorced until recently but the marriage has been over.

Either way I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. Going to clear space on my life next year to make time for life coaching people on happiness and how to use expired relationships and adversity to build themselves a better future. Using circumstance to open doors instead of close them.

Thanks for the opinions positive or negative I know the intentions are good. The future is extremely bright. Cheers!


H: 33 W:32
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Are you guys actually divorced now? I didn't know you even filed already.


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Thanks for the update Did. Glad of where you are standing now.


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Did, sounds like you are doing great, keep it up!

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Are you guys actually divorced now? I didn't know you even filed already.


It was in his 02-27 update, previous page.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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I wondered how everyone is doing here?

Since my rocky and turbulent separation and divorce. I got a life coaching certification, joined a highly producing real estate team,wrote a few articles for a blog, got engaged, bought a house. Divorce, coparenting, finances of course there are always issues, sometimes sadness and negative emotions. But every emotion is beautiful be grateful for what you have had, lost and stand to gain in the future.

I was reading some posts on here. Obviously it’s all one sided but many of your wives or ex’s do not currently deserve to be in a relationship with you. If she were a new woman would you “ wife her up or hit it and quit it”. If she’s not wife material at this point do not treat her as such. She will just pull further away. Give all your energy to yourself - building a positive future and taking care of children, never accept less than 50/50 custody and stop pursuing your ex partner if she left you. That relationship is over. Cut the chord. I ended up with a blood clot in my calf and almost got spinal fusion surgery during my separation. Sht is stressful. Learn from our mistakes. Easier said than done but I felt urged to chime in today.

To all that helped me on my journey. Thank you so much. I’ll never forget you.

If anyone is interested in contacting me and catching up on our journeys - dandeckelbaum@gmail.com

Cheers, make it a great day!


H: 33 W:32
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Originally Posted by "Did"
I got a life coaching certification..

Dan, if you're still reading, I'm curious which one you got? I've been curious lately about life, health, and wellness coaching certificates as they synergize well with preparing people for outdoor adventures.

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Good to read Did. Wishing you the best of luck.

I´m your IG follower. Glad to see what you have done.

Way to go.

(((Did)))


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Engaged? After 7 months of dating? You're crazy. I wish you the best of luck...


Me: 38
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Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
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D final: Sep 2019

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Good to hear things are going well Dan!

Originally Posted by Did
Obviously it’s all one sided but many of your wives or ex’s do not currently deserve to be in a relationship with you. If she were a new woman would you “ wife her up or hit it and quit it”.


Absolutely would not even consider going out with my XW if she were a stranger I was just meeting. Most definitely would not "hit it", LOL! I would look at her now and say "no, not my type". She's not the woman I met 30 years ago that I vibed with right away. I am not disparaging her in any way, she is still a wonderful mother and she is a kind and caring person. Just not what I would consider relationship material.

Quote
If she’s not wife material at this point do not treat her as such. She will just pull further away. Give all your energy to yourself - building a positive future and taking care of children, never accept less than 50/50 custody and stop pursuing your ex partner if she left you. That relationship is over. Cut the chord.


100% agree, although I know all too well it's difficult to do after you've been BD'd. It takes a while before you can get to this point!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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AS that is a great way of looking at things. I needed to read that today.

Yes, my W is currently not the person I met nearly 9 years ago.

It's depressing, when you think back to the good times, but it's like a new camera angle.

Did - nice to see you're in a good spot now. Good luck.


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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Good to hear things are going well Dan!

Originally Posted by Did
Obviously it’s all one sided but many of your wives or ex’s do not currently deserve to be in a relationship with you. If she were a new woman would you “ wife her up or hit it and quit it”.


Absolutely would not even consider going out with my XW if she were a stranger I was just meeting. Most definitely would not "hit it", LOL! I would look at her now and say "no, not my type". She's not the woman I met 30 years ago that I vibed with right away. I am not disparaging her in any way, she is still a wonderful mother and she is a kind and caring person. Just not what I would consider relationship material.

Quote
If she’s not wife material at this point do not treat her as such. She will just pull further away. Give all your energy to yourself - building a positive future and taking care of children, never accept less than 50/50 custody and stop pursuing your ex partner if she left you. That relationship is over. Cut the chord.


100% agree, although I know all too well it's difficult to do after you've been BD'd. It takes a while before you can get to this point!



Funny, because this is precisely the point I just made in my own thread.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
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Posts: 953
Good to hear your update Did! It's amazing how much life can change in 6 months! keep working it!


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
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Just wanted to say hey and thanks for the update Did! Don't be a stranger just because you're all googley eyed over your new lady haha!


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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