I dont know what to say guys. I feel like anything with my wife is unhealthy. I dont know what to do but drop the rope as you guys say. Its so hard to care about her. We had lunch a few days ago. Talked for 2.5 hours. I love this woman for who she is underneath all the pain, trauma and walls. I know she has no self worth. When she opens up.
The next day I went to drop off D4 stuff and dog to W. I should have dropped the stuff and left. I went upstairs shes a hungover mess. She invites me into bed. We were close. I left it at you need to love yourself enough for me to love you. I cant care about you if you dont care enough about yourself. She says she has love for me. She asked me to kiss her back, hold her. I told her these are table scraps. She said thats all she has.
My birthday is 2/10. I told her vulnerability is the key to all other emotions. If she chooses to be vulnerable, love and be happy with me Id love to see it. Asked her to respect that I cant be in this space much longer. I feel like the best thing for my future is to divorce her. She says she doesnt want to be married ever again, she doesnt want any more kids. The marriage is over.
Other women are throwing themselves at me. Friends are messaging me offering me dates with gorgeous women they want to set up. Ive given in and had casual sex recently. I told these women honestly thats all I was looking for was energy exchange and connection. Not anything serious or long term. And they eat up the honesty. I literally have women I could do this with mutliple times per week. I read something recently from a therapist saying casual sex was fine and the dopeamine and positive chemicals are healthy if both set expectations and are honest. But I think it may make me feel worse. Last night this sexy flight attendant invited me over... it was fun for a while. But then I couldnt sleep and left at 5am.
I have to be more disciplined. I need to reach my goals and be consistent. Im struggling internally but good things keep happening. I live in a grateful mindset. I have more feelings than ever in my life. I used to repress everything. I got a great offer for a 75k plus bonuses for my job as a lacrose director. Rather than being paid a high hourly rate. There is no hourly commitment. I can still write, coach, travel, do anything else I want.
The happiness is fleeting. I feel so bad for my daughter, I love her so much. For all the kids that have split families. I wish there was something more I can do. I guess all I can do is let her go. And be cosistent. W says she needs time to think alone. I dont trust her. Why should I. Why do I still want this woman as my partner, lover and best friend? When I was over there yesterday looking at her, she says your pupils are huge. I said whats that mean. She says that you love me. Why do you still love me so much. I had no answer.
I know your advice will be you idiot youre pursuing again. Do what works not what you think should work. Go dark. I have said everything there is to say. I will not reach out to her again. Everytime I think to reach out Im going to do pushups. WTF I gotta do something.
Definitely feeling empty. I need to build a home for myself with myself. And not look for anyone else to fill the void. Thanks for those that are still here and havent given up on me. I will stop making mistakes. Right now. I will be more disciplined. I will be stronger. I deserve better. I can not allow this to continue.
Last post from AnotherStander below hits home with a [censored] metal bat, a wood 2x4 isnt enough. Maybe I need to cry it out a bit and mourn the loss of my wife. Shes gone. Heading to the gym then energy / spiritual healer. Tomorrow session with life / business coach. D4 to me tonight. Free Saturday night. Do I date. Do I focus on being ok being alone and write... thanks again all. Love this community.
AS- I miss my wife. I don't miss my ex. My ex is not my wife. She is not the person that swore to love, honor and cherish until death do we part. She is not the one that never left my side when I was sick. She is not the one that snuggled up to me on cold nights to warm her bootie. She is not the one that gazed at me when I played with the kids like I was the Greatest Man that had Ever Walked the Earth. She is not the one that loved me unconditionally. I'm sorry Did but the woman you fell in love with is gone. You are clinging to memories. You don't want to let go of this current person she is because you are hoping beyond hope that the person she was will somehow rise back to the surface. It's not going to happen. Hang onto the memories but let go of the fantasy.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
She says she doesnt want to be married ever again, she doesnt want any more kids. The marriage is over.
Brace yourself. The day is coming in 1, 2 or 4 years from now that she will be engaged, get married, and have kids. This is a "Let him down easy" statement. I've seen it a million times if I've seen it once. It will happen and you have to be emotionally prepared for the fact that the day is coming.
Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. In your case I say that is amped up to need to be believe NOTHING she says and NOTHING she does.
Did, your sitch reminds me so much of OrangeK's sitch. The big difference being that he had no access to his W because of a restraining order. Other than that, your actions, where you try to find solace, the self-justifications, all of it.
Seriously? Because a therapist said it it okay to have casual sex? While you are still legally married? And still pining to be with your W? Did, what does ethics and morals say? Forget some random therapist that I assume you found on the internet. I could find someone writing on the internet to justify murder. It doesn't make it right.
Do the right thing. So that in 10, 20, and 30 years from now you can look your daughter in the face and say "I did the right thing." By all means pursue these other women, AFTER you divorce your W. No one here will blame you for filing for D. In fact, in your sitch, I am now Team D. There will be plenty of women AFTER the D.
Hang in there. Think about what is best for you. For your D4. And for moving forward. Because I will be frank with you, this latest post AIN'T IT.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know Steve you’re absolutely right. I’m going to be more disciplined. Starts right now. I know what to do. Actions speak.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Did, I'm happy and sad to read this update. I hope you remember this feeling and this realization the next time your W texts you to keep you on her hook. I hope you stay disciplined and let this situation fuel your detachment. If you stick to it, you will begin to feel better overall but it will take time. And you never know what may change in regards to saving this marriage if you give it time.
And I'm really excited about the lacrosse director position. So cool.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Im moving on with my life. W dropped Go F yourself, Eat Sht to me on the phone yesterday. I refuse to have unhealthy relationships in my life. I never would allow anyone to speak like that in my life. Im done. She plays the victim and manipulates me. She is relying on her stepdad for work, relying on me for money. Constant victim. Acts like a spoiled teenager. Oh by the way I went on a date with a doctor who was voted top 100 in the country and we hit it off. I deserve better. F this BS. During convo when W cursed at me she presented Kindergarten prices for D4 ranging from $8k - $17k. I live in a great school district. I do not appreciate being treated like a bank. W Mentioned her mom offered to pay (she has an awful relationship with her mom and I can not allow this). Guilt trip. Im torn on private vs public. Going to tour the 8k school. Also need to look into the public schools more thoroughly.
Thoughts on this agreement below? I have not paid support for February. And plan on having W sign this and giving her a check tomorrow. Accepting divorce as the best outcome for my future.
H and W financial agreement.
H will pay W $2325 per month as spousal support and child support. This support started in July 2018. This support will last for 12 monthly payments. At that point child support will be determined. There will be no more spousal support or alimony paid after 12 months. There will be no payment or splits from any other accounts, properties or other shared finances.
W left the marital home in June 2017 and used shared credit cards until finances were split in July 2017.
H currently pays the following monthly payments: YMCA: $114 & $106 Health Insurance: $491.25 Life insurance: $28.91 (W) H to continue to pay for life insurance for W and H. Life insurance policies to remain in each other’s names as claimants. Custody to remain 50/50. H has offered to get childcare as needed to help with work schedules.
Last edited by Did; 02/07/1905:22 AM.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Just curious, if there wasn't any legal and binding agreement beforehand why were you paying support? Is this an agreement you came up with or your L? Is this your arrangement and you are filing pro se? If so have a L review it.
Here is my opinion and others may disagree. I used to live in a state that was top 10 for public education now I live in a state that is closer to the bottom. We put our kids in private school because of this. However 8k - 17k for Kindergarten?
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Im moving on with my life. W dropped Go F yourself, Eat Sht to me on the phone yesterday. I refuse to have unhealthy relationships in my life. I never would allow anyone to speak like that in my life. Im done. She plays the victim and manipulates me. She is relying on her stepdad for work, relying on me for money. Constant victim. Acts like a spoiled teenager. Oh by the way I went on a date with a doctor who was voted top 100 in the country and we hit it off. I deserve better. F this BS. During convo when W cursed at me she presented Kindergarten prices for D4 ranging from $8k - $17k. I live in a great school district. I do not appreciate being treated like a bank. W Mentioned her mom offered to pay (she has an awful relationship with her mom and I can not allow this). Guilt trip. Im torn on private vs public. Going to tour the 8k school. Also need to look into the public schools more thoroughly.
Thoughts on this agreement below? I have not paid support for February. And plan on having W sign this and giving her a check tomorrow. Accepting divorce as the best outcome for my future.
H and W financial agreement.
H will pay W $2325 per month as spousal support and child support. This support started in July 2018. This support will last for 12 monthly payments. At that point child support will be determined. There will be no more spousal support or alimony paid after 12 months. There will be no payment or splits from any other accounts, properties or other shared finances.
W left the marital home in June 2017 and used shared credit cards until finances were split in July 2017.
H currently pays the following monthly payments: YMCA: $114 & $106 Health Insurance: $491.25 Life insurance: $28.91 (W) H to continue to pay for life insurance for W and H. Life insurance policies to remain in each other’s names as claimants. Custody to remain 50/50. H has offered to get childcare as needed to help with work schedules.
On the kindergarten. $8k - $17k is insane and she is insane for suggesting it. Kindergarten is not even state mandated in many states! That's right, you do not have to even send your child to kindergarten, so spending that kind of money for is crazy and she is OUT OF HER MIND for even suggesting it.
Did, the agreement needs to be vetted by a good divorce attorney.
So when are you filing for D?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W dropped Go F yourself, Eat Sht to me on the phone yesterday.
In response to anything in particular or just spewed it out at random?
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I never would allow anyone to speak like that in my life.
What was your response when she said that? Just say "I will not be spoken to in this manner" and then hang up.
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Oh by the way I went on a date with a doctor who was voted top 100 in the country and we hit it off.
That's good, but just make sure you're not dating to rub it in your W's face. Make sure your reasons for dating are pure. I say this because who cares what her profession is, I get the impression you're just mentioning it to show how much "better" a choice she is than your W.
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Thoughts on this agreement below? I have not paid support for February. And plan on having W sign this and giving her a check tomorrow.
My thoughts are this. You want a signed agreement with a woman who in the same post you described like this:
"She plays the victim and manipulates me. She is relying on her stepdad for work, relying on me for money. Constant victim. Acts like a spoiled teenager." You also mentioned that she told you to F yourself and eat poo. Now you want to sign an agreement with her? Look EVERYONE has been telling you for months to STOP PAYING HER MONEY. Forget the agreement, you say you are "done" then be done. Cut all support until the two of you come to a binding legal agreement in court.
Yes I want a signed agreement. I want this done. The financial agreement was done after meeting with a lawyer. A mediation attorney. L said I need to pay support, W needs to work. Support can be a verbal agreement in PA where we live. I want it in writing. When I give her the document Im going to tell her I want to make the divorce happen as easily and inexpensively as possible. Neither of us want to go to court. There are ways to just get the paperwork done for $500. Or the mediation is a couple thousand... We are on the same page unless she changes her mind... I dont want her mind to change so I want to get this sht done. The deal is better than anything Id get in court. Kindergarten is a whole nother story. Im going to tour the least expensive private school and look into public.
Just FT with them and shes nice and kind I feel this sense of loss. She has a feminine energy that is attractive to me. Heaviness in my heart but wishing doesnt change anything. Change is hard and uncomfortable. She has shown she doesnt do hard stuff. But happiness is on the other side of the hard and uncomfrotable stuff. If W were consistent kind loving I would love to love this woman. Big IF. She isnt that way towards me anymore. Maybe she is with other men who have a blank slate. But there is too much resentment and negativity. I refuse to be disrespected. I am a great Fing guy a role model for hundreds of kids, a leader, a successful person, a great dad. I deserve better. If she gets better maybe theres a chance for a round two but. She blames trauma she is stuck in victim mode. Im done apologizing and making her think shes right (this is something new woman pointed out- apologies make the other person believe you're wrong and they're right- enabling her). I cant wait around anymore.
I feel more and more and more my best future is a new direction. Its sad and D4 deserves both parents full time. Shes an amazing little girl. But I feel going back would be moving backwards. Maybe in the future she will stop blaming me for everything. I made mistakes, I take accountability, I admit fault. I've changed, grown and continue to. Tomorrow Ill be better than I am today, next week, next month, next year.
With new woman I feel she is an equal. Someone I could grow with. We have met once so staying grounded... or trying to. After our date she kissed me hard. I was going for a kiss on the cheek to be respectful. She said she never does this her sister couldnt believe it. She has dated real estate moguls, plastic surgeons etc... She is independent and living a life in the space Im interested in. Personal growth, mental health, helping people. We're forced to take it slow because of schedules. She knows my situation. I have been honest about everything. Including physical attraction to W. Honestly I think that's all it is physical + D4s mom.
If anyone is interested I have gotten a lot of positive feedback on my blog. I am committed to getting my book done and published by 2020. I started a facebook group for people going through separation / divorce / expired relationships. You can read my blog here and contact me if youd like to get in touch off DB. Cheers to everyone going through the struggle. Be strong and trust your intuition even if its not what you want... your best self is on the other side!
Last edited by Cadet; 02/07/1904:21 PM. Reason: outside links not allowed
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Yes I want a signed agreement. I want this done. The financial agreement was done after meeting with a lawyer. A mediation attorney. L said I need to pay support, W needs to work. Support can be a verbal agreement in PA where we live. I want it in writing. When I give her the document Im going to tell her I want to make the divorce happen as easily and inexpensively as possible. Neither of us want to go to court. There are ways to just get the paperwork done for $500. Or the mediation is a couple thousand...
OK sounds like you've done your homework. You've been in your sitch long enough to know if you want to pursue D, so if that's what you want then go for it. Based on what you've described for months I don't see your W changing for a long, long time. She's deep in the fog right now.
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We are on the same page unless she changes her mind...
Be prepared for that. My ex decided to screw me over in the 11th hour after we had already fully agreed to everything. Her L had drawn it up, we reviewed it and redmarked it, her L revised it, I signed it and THEN the ex decided she wanted more money and threatened a drawn-out court battle if I didn't rubber-stamp it. There is no logic or reason when it comes to a WAS so be prepared for anything.
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Just FT with them and shes nice and kind I feel this sense of loss. She has a feminine energy that is attractive to me.
Your W? It always mystifies me when people talk about their WAS calling them terrible things and treating them like dump and then they say she is so attractive. She sounds pretty ugly to me. Beautiful does not equal attractive. There are plenty of beautiful women in the world that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.
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Im done apologizing and making her think shes right (this is something new woman pointed out- apologies make the other person believe you're wrong and they're right- enabling her). I cant wait around anymore.
Yes Sandi has talked about this before. Apologize earnestly and honestly for your mistakes ONE TIME and then let it go. There's no point in continuing to apologize over and over as it just makes you look weak and makes her think you really are the reason for everything wrong in her life.
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Its sad and D4 deserves both parents full time.
She deserves two loving parents which hopefully she will continue to have. Having both of them around 24/7 is an unrealistic expectation even if you stayed married.
