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Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: Twofeet] #2845140
04/10/19 06:39 PM
04/10/19 06:39 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,423
Southern Maryland
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Travel safely and enjoy your trip. Let us know what countries you are planning to visit.

Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2845149
04/10/19 07:26 PM
04/10/19 07:26 PM
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Bon voyage!


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2846002
04/18/19 09:14 PM
04/18/19 09:14 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,557
Midwest
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DonH Online OP
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I just figured i'd give a little update since I'm back on US soil. Interesting how at least this side of the board here has become more of a personal diary, get-together, coffee chat than a place to work on and solve R issues. Not sure when that bridge was crossed - and it may just be my assessment but it seems to be the case. Anyhow...

I'm back from my first trip to Europe. It was clearly a work trip - CLEARLY. I feel a bit bait and switched. This was laid out to be much like the cruise - where we provide our services for little or no cash but receive multiple times what we'd typically charge in the form of free travel. While the cruise allowed for both me and a guest to go free of charge, this trip was only for those working - or so I thought. Imagine my surprise when three boyfriends/girlfriends showed up at the airport. Now, to be fair, two of the couples are engaged (more about them in a minute) and the other living together, but still... fair is fair... especially when one if not two had to work about 1/5th of myself and three others. But, truth be told, I would not have wanted to have to find someone to take and based on what happened, i'm really glad I didn't otherwise they'd have been disappointed as well. Still, while I do subscribe to the adage that "fair is the other F word" this was not at all fair.

My trip started off with all of us arriving in Amsterdam at about 6:00 in the morning (midnight here). So it had been a long day of travel. Everyone retrieved their luggage - well other than me that is. I'm a good traveler and can live for days on my carry on. The only problem was, my carry on was my instruments. That was already pushing it so there was no way I could take anything else other than medication. Long story short, my luggage was never put on the plane. They sent it over nearly 40 hours later but because we were so far from the airport, the currier didn't deliver it until three days later. I'm still fighting with the airlines about that and trying to get reimbursed for the things I ended up buying in order to not wear the same cloths for four days in a row.

We were treated like rock stars by the people. The two gigs were incredible to perform for - complete with meet and greet, autograph session, selling signed posters for 25 euro. Understand that is not at all typical of the gigs I play. So it really was fun with amazing crowds. Unfortunately, between rehearsal (that I was never told about) set-up and sound check 5 hours prior to show and on and on, it gave little to no time to see anything. There was a whole lot of hurry up and wait. Finally, it was Sunday night and our performances were done. We'd move to Amsterdam for the next two days to finally be tourists. Oh, but not so fast... a "mix up" with the hotel meant we'd have to stay in the little town after all. I got a total of less than 2 hours in downtown Amsterdam. Do I still get to say I saw it? Not much more than a lay-over - which i never consider as being "in" a city.

I'll stop btching here but it was a huge let down. The parts I saw were fun. Got to hang out with some really, really good musicians that i know and have performed with in the past but not that often. They were pretty much all killer musicians so that part helped.

More to the purpose of this board, it was eye opening to experience two of the couples. Couple one consists of a guy 3 times divorced, most recently in Fall of 2017. He is marrying a one time D'd woman about 7 years his senior who was D'd about 3 years ago after a 25 year marriage. The other is one time D'd 13 years younger than me soon to be marrying a never married late 30s woman. The interesting part was how they all could not keep their hands off of each other. I swear to you it was like being with high school kids. I was thinking it but several of the others finally started saying things like "OMG, not this again, can you not go two minutes without touching each other" and similar comments. Talk about the all spun up infatuation phase. A rather wise long married guy in his late 70s with us commented how he wants to see how they are in a year or two.

We can further discuss this phenomenon if there is interest. I just found it really interesting to witness. As for me, I really didn't meet anyone outside of our group that i was able to spend time with other than perhaps the head of the security and his GF. He was great to talk to. A very smart man who fluently went from Dutch to German to English and spoke all of them very well.

I was asked again about wild girl - once again making me wonder if putting all those pictures up was a good idea LOL. The people I'm going to Nashville with asked the most. They then told me they were going to find me a "date" for when I'm down there next month. I've done this trip before so I know what I'll get.

Not much else to report. I wish there was. At least both me and my luggage arrived safe and sound back home yesterday. Let's hope this continues I the black cloud that seemed to have formed a week ago has dissipated.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2846003
04/18/19 09:35 PM
04/18/19 09:35 PM
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That's been my experience with touring too - wake up, rehearse something that's been changed/added/or needed work, load up the van, travel to the next destination, drop things at hotel, soundcheck/play/eat, do it all again the next day. It's fun but you definitely do NOT have time for tourist stuff.

Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: kml] #2846004
04/18/19 09:55 PM
04/18/19 09:55 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,557
Midwest
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Originally Posted by kml
That's been my experience with touring too - wake up, rehearse something that's been changed/added/or needed work, load up the van, travel to the next destination, drop things at hotel, soundcheck/play/eat, do it all again the next day. It's fun but you definitely do NOT have time for tourist stuff.

Well when it's a straight work trip that you're being paid for... then yes... although even then I've had more fun. I'm no rookie at all of this and have done well over 100 road trips. But this was not "sold" to us as that. It was sold to us like the cruise was. It was sold as you'll see and do all of these things and we only do one 3 or 4 hour performance. That then turned into 2 performances before we left - which was still fine. Then after we get there it became 5 hours on one night and 6 on the next (or the other way around) coupled with showing up like 1 PM with nothing to do, sitting around and waiting for a sound check that finally happened at 5 and then start the performance at 7. Just not at all what I'm used to or down for even WHEN I'M GETTING PAID. Funny thing is, the guy who organized this in the USA went with us on the cruise but is refusing to go again this next time because the free drink package wasn't included! I'm like dude, you won't go unless you get a drink package when you only perform like 10 hours in a week yet you just made us do 11 hours in two days! The fact that some got to bring guests also T'd many of the others off.

I don't know, maybe I should have saw this coming? Part of it is their culture over there. Another part is this promoter over there seems a bit shady. Just really stinks for someone like me who was really looking forward to seeing Europe... and is STILL really looking forward to seeing Europe. Had dinner in Germany if that counts! LOL


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2846013
04/19/19 01:47 AM
04/19/19 01:47 AM
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 602
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Twofeet Offline
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DonH,

As far as couple 1 goes, statistically it's not in the cards for them. You would think after 3x D the guy would have figured it out.

Couple 2, I don't have enough info, but I think I know what's going on and what's going to happen. I agree with the guy in his 70s, 1 to 2 years out I bet it's a different story.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: Twofeet] #2848585
05/09/19 04:58 PM
05/09/19 04:58 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,983
NY
Cadet Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,983
NY
Originally Posted by DonH
Originally Posted by Cadet
Quote
Flying without instruments
Do you fly airplanes?

Since I have 3000 hours of flying time, I don't think I would ever want to fly without instruments.


Had to jump in since I never like to miss any airplane talk. I've been an instrument rated pilot since 1992. Not near as many hours as you, at about 1,100, but sadly I've not been PIC since 2009. Sold my share of a Cirrus SR22 shortly after. I miss it but not enough to get back in the game. A lot of great memories though. Hmmmmm sorta sounds like my love life as well. smile

Anyhow, I'd never fly without instruments either but for some they love the thill or perhaps don't want to consider the very real possibility of crashing and burning. Interesting relating the two.



So as not to high jack another thread I will respond here.

I have not flown for a long time either as most of my flying time was in the Air Force,
In my younger days it was quite a profession.
Most of my classmates are now retired airline or FedEx pilots, so I get a lot of that talk from them.

Of course they all had their professional opinions about Boeing,
mostly that with their training here in the US that those accidents would never happen.

Anyways glad to know their are fellow airman here! smile smile smile


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2850002
05/20/19 06:23 PM
05/20/19 06:23 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,557
Midwest
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Seems like things all come in clusters. I've had a really chill, lazy, boring last couple of months, with not much to talk about on here. The weather has not helped - here we are 10 days from June and it was in the 40s last night and is dark and dreary at 55 again now. It's sort of how I've felt a bit too. Not a lot of ambition. Certainly no ambition to date - even with needing to wash, rinse and repeat from a year ago and find another cruise date for the January 2020 cruise.

So this past weekend was my niece/God daughters wedding. She's a bit young (in my eyes) at 23 but is marrying a great guy who just became a dentist. And it's around this that my post will center. I could talk about the wedding and how amazing it is to again see how things look when they start. It's amazing to watch a ceremony (I've not been for quite a few years now) and how everything is viewed as life long, and great and love and forever. Then real life kicks in.

I could talk about a woman I was sort of paired with at the wedding. Long story but a good friend of my brother and SIL. She has two awesome, but still pre-teen, kids and is still married (technically) to a friend of my brothers since grade school, whom I also know. They have vacationed together, are on volleyball together, etc. My parents know them and vise versa, etc. They were a seemingly great family of four. But bad timing - well that and she's a foot taller than me - LOL - okay not a foot but almost felt that way in heels. LOL. Just totally bad timing and I'd not want to get involved with anyone going through a D let alone a close friend of the family but it was nice to kinda sorta of have a companion for the rehearsal dinner and we sat together and hung out a bit at the wedding - even danced with her a bit. Will see if it goes anywhere. Does not appear she has an OM. Not sure about him or what happened. Everyone on the outside is shocked as there was zero outward sign that there was any trouble. She's either doing really well or acting as if - faking it until she makes it - which is what my SIL believes to be the case. But she seemed to handle it really well - clearly much better than i did 3 months after. Anyhow, maybe more about her at some point in the future.

I could talk about my flat tire Friday night, trying to change it in a downpour, finding out the rim lock lug key is stripped and I can't get the tire off. Grrrrrrrrrr

But instead I'll talk about my step D. I first met her well over 20 years ago now when she was 9. We've not been as close as we once were again until about a year ago. She's turned into an amazing woman with a great husband - who performed with me for the wedding ceremony. So......... It was learning about her mom, my ex wife - wow I mean wow - that has surprised me - even if it should not. I perhaps should be doing back flips but I'm not. Now with my step D struggling with him mom, I'm only getting her side of the story but it's things that have been repeated to me many times in the past, sometimes hinted, many phrases repeated.

Anyhow, it sounds like my ex W's third D might be on the way. She has seen her grandson (my step Ds 4 year old) about 5 times in his life. The last time he asked who this person was and was told "that's your grandmother" to which he said "She's not my grandmother, she is" - pointing to his fathers mom, who sees him several times a week. The discussion was flattering to me - how thankful she was for growing up with me as a role model. Thankful for, other than one huge misstep with my addiction, my always being there for her. Her husband is very blunt and outspoken but often on target. He's befuddled how I could even chose someone like my ex to date let alone marry her. They told me of affairs that have since been well confirmed and some admitted. I had no idea! I suspected one or two but never thought that A) friends of mine would sleep with my wife and B) my wife would sleep with friends of mine. They wonder how I put up with it for as long as I did. When i mentioned a few things about other women I've dated even step D said "Do you see red flags here Don?" Wise girl. I could go on and on, and perhaps if this discussion goes anywhere I will.

It really hit me more on Saturday, a bit on Sunday but less now today. It's also so far behind me. Something that I rarely think about these days. Until a funeral 5 or 6 months ago, I had not had any contact with my ex for many years - 5 at the very least? So I'm sort of in some ways being told, yet again, "Don be glad you got away and finally dodged this bullet." I'm being told, Don, you were not the problem, SHE was. Yet how I see it is how was I soooooo stupid to chose her in the first place - or let her talk me into the R, staying and then getting married. I also have never been one to dodge blame. There were things that I clearly did and should not have - ways I acted that I never should have. Things I did, messed up priorities. I've always taken full responsibility - yet at least according to these people, I'm the victim.

I was told of recent stories with her drinking and making a scene. Stories of her crying, drunk, saying she stilled loved her first husband! Her big deal now is advocating for the Downs Syndrome Association after adopting a child with Downs. I was told of how she was secretly going to a fertility clinic prior to the adoption, while telling others she's not trying to get pregnant. Not sure if husband #3 was aware? Very much makes me wonder if she lied to me about being on birth control in hopes of getting pregnant while we were married - even though I clearly did not want a child. Just what or who was I married to? Neary all if not all of her friends back when we were married are no longer in her life. Her D is really no longer in her life. Her grand children are not Her son is but he's a very go with the flow type of guy.

A lot to continue to process. On the upside, I see an even stronger R with my step-daughter and family going forward. Her husband and I (both professional musicians that also currently have or have had other careers). He tells me he's always looked up to me and had my back. I do remember him calling ME to ask permission to marry my step-daughter. I was shocked when he did that and it was never expected, but very much appreciated. I've already seen her son more than his actual grandmother has I guess. Not as much with their daughter but she's just starting to walk. My parents were thrilled to see them and could not stop talking about how great of an adult she's become.

Maybe I'll have more to say on all of this. Maybe more of a friendship will develop with the family friend as her D progresses. If anything I'd love to offer DR up to her and any support - something I would have loved to have had when I went through it.

But for now though, I'm just going to get my tire fixed. It's about all I can handle at this moment. LOL


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2850018
05/20/19 08:09 PM
05/20/19 08:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,894
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kml Offline
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Nice to be vindicated, isn't it? It's taken a while for me to see my ex's issues clearly, and a bit longer for others to see it, but it all came out in the wash eventually. I take the approach now that my ex probably wouldn't have had nearly as long and successful a first marriage if he had married someone else originally. I'm thankful for my kids' sake that he's in what appears to be a stable marriage with his second wife, so they don't have to deal with drama there. I try to help my kids deal with him while not denying their experience of him in the process.

As for recently separated lady at the wedding - I wouldn't go near her until you learn some of the story as to why her marriage broke up. Ask around.

Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2852609
06/11/19 09:05 PM
06/11/19 09:05 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,557
Midwest
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DonH Online OP
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Oh C'mon, not again. Just got this emai from the band leader regarding next January's cruise" (names have been changed)

"Bill is wanting to book flights already and wants to know names for your guests. Please let me know." Something tells me he made the exact same request near exactly a year ago as there is a large event where I'll see one of the promoter partners - same as I did last year this coming weekend - where I told him I was meeting someone (Wild Girl) tomorrow but I won't have a name for awhile yet and can he please get "Bill" to back off? I guess I just have to crack it up to "Bill" is Bill and he's not going to change. He doesn't need to book flights 7 months in advance.

Interesting how I've hardly even thought about it. I think I got it out of my system last year. Did see and talked with Wild Girl's parents this past weekend. Nothing really to report. Was in Nashville a few weeks ago, in St. Louis a week after that. Out of town but still in state at the overnight event that started things with WG this past weekend. Again, nothing really to report with all of it. I've got about zero ambition to date. Got lots of thoughts I guess, or at least some thoughts. Could regale my travel stories, or family events, or outings with friends but again, not really much to report. Oh well.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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