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ballast #2834780 01/29/19 11:52 AM
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Hurt...just wanted to say thank you for your kinds words about my sitch. They are very much appreciated!

And you are welcome for my attempts at trying to help you in your sitch. The longer you are here...and learn and read of the pain of others who have just arrived...you will pay it forward to help the others as well. For all of the stuff on the Internet that is hurtful or of little value, people in the most painful of circumstances of life help each other on this site. For anyone who's life is made better from the support and kindess of others on here, it becomes a sense of obligation to help those who come after you.

You are right of course...to the best of my ability I'm going to love and be the best father I can be for D4. And as wonderful new options in my life come up, I must take the options for me to find my happiness. It is what it is = truth to me and as I've said on here before, truth for all of us on here in our own sitches is many times the hardest thing to accept.

I hope the best for you and your family as well! You have dealt with a very high degree of waywardness more so than myself. It is a wonderful thing for those of us on here when we see good people put through terrible adversity, survive and thrive. You will be one of those people.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2834951 01/30/19 12:48 PM
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so this a different update...

last night Sunshine is working, so I'm watching tv leaving her be...i fall asleep, it was late, but she had sent a simple Hi text and I had missed it. we usually exchange "good nights" at least. anyway thought she might still be up so called once, but no answer. so i texted back about 5 lines saying "hey sorry i feel asleep, have a good night, etc" as usual in the morning we text a good morning pleasantry to each other. she replied she had fallen asleep too. she was still sleeping pretty much and could we text later. i was on my way into work anyway so said no worries let's just email once we're at work and she replied cool to that...

so a bit later i'm getting ready to head into the office, i get a text say "i'm sorry i'm a bit overwhelmed by waking to 2 missed calls, 10 texts and you wanting to talk when i'm not really up yet, it's a bit overwhelming" so i called once and yes it could have been 10 texts, but i could have condensed it to 3-5 and for sure i had no expectation of her wanting to talk at that time. heck we had just agreed to email once we got to work.

when we first met she was proactive about calling me, FT'ing me, you name it. i can be long winded on chat and have said as much to her and hope to improve it. i genuinely like her as a person and i'm trying above all else to not be pushy, nor too fast and for sure not overwhelm here, yet based on her update this morning I'm feeling like I've blown it with her even though I don't feel like a missed call and 10 text messages is really overwhelming.

so anyone who has any words of encouragement or especially ladies with advice, i'm all ears. she has told me she is excited about us, has asked if I could call her before going to sleep so we could say good night and has told her mother about me. I do have GAL planned for this weekend and I'm genuinely feeling in a good spot. I'm just in that first weeks phase where everything is new and trying to not blow my chance with her. last thing i want to do is scare her off.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2834960 01/30/19 02:02 PM
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B,

I want you to immediately order the book by Corey Wayne called How to be a 3% man. In his books he talks about over texting and so on. I have to be honest with you, 10 texts without a response is borderline creepy stalkerish.

Texting is like a game of tennis, you send one text and wait for a response when you get the response you send another text and so on like hitting the ball back and forth to one another in tennis.

Right now you should back off and wait until she contacts you and slow it the fuch down.

ballast #2834963 01/30/19 02:16 PM
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LH...thanks man...I got that book some months ago and I had been reading through some of it. I'm aware of many of the points that he's talking about. And i do get that 10 texts could be a lot, but if one text is "Hi" "you still up?" is another...like i say I could have rolled it up into 2 texts max. it's not like I was writing War and Peace to her or panicked or quizinng her or anything like that.

And yep, i'm doing exactly that. the uneven thing like i say is...she's been calling, FT'ing me, all that each day...I call one time to see if she's up and she counts the texts I send, and she's a bit overwhelmed...she was going full throttle, i thought i was continually slowing down/pulling back...

bottom line slowing the F down. we both took off upon first contact. just hoping i've not blown it. even if I have though...from my time/experience...i'll just walk on ahead.

AND...like I say I was simply heading to sleep one night with no talking to her being cool/laid back, yet she texts me to ask if i can call her to say good night...

Last edited by ballast; 01/30/19 02:21 PM.

Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2834965 01/30/19 02:25 PM
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B,

Can you post what made up the ten texts?

I don't think you blew it. Just make sure you wait for her to reach out and keep it light.

ballast #2834967 01/30/19 02:37 PM
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LH...

LOL so I don't have my cell with me, but this was it actually was about 8 total texts between last night and this morning...and it's REAL deep stalker type stuff..."Hi""So I feel asleep""Sorry I missed your text""Wanted to talk with you""esp as I don't have to be at work til later""good night""sweet dreams" that was last night..this morning "good morning, hope you have a great day""missed talking with you last night"

As i say I did try to call her once last night just to say good night. night before when i just said hey i'm off to bed, she asked me to call her so she could hear my voice

this morning from her was "good morning""i feel asleep lol" I replied simply "hope you had a restful night" she said "just waking up, text you later" i said "heading into work, just email you there" she replied "cool" then a bit later I got the "i'm sorry <box score> of my comms to her...it's a bit overwhelming"

if I was like "where are you?" "call me back!" something creepy/stalker like i'd get it more. but if I use 10 text lines to say 10 words that are not deep thoughts...she has sent me paragraphs in single texts LOL but it's not like I count the words and say "ok that's uncomfortable" :-)

i'm just laying low...and for sure if she contacts me, i will be light...


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2834973 01/30/19 02:57 PM
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Ballast,

I hear what you are saying, but I think you need to pull back some. I generally agree with the theory that texting is like a game of tennis in which you have to wait for the other person to hit it back (i.e. contact) you before you reach out again. Certainly there are different circumstances which require different kinds of communication. However, if I send a text like "Hey are you up/around?" and don't get a response I would generally wait until the next day to follow up.

Also, remember the pursuit/distance dynamic. A new relationship is not like dealing with a WW, but many men and women do like both to be pursued, but also to feel like they need to do some of the pursuing themselves. I am dating a woman right now and after 5 dates I was frustrated that it wasn't going anywhere so I pulled way back on communication, basically not texting her unless it was in reply. Very quickly she started reaching and pursuing me as she felt that distance creeping in.

Good luck!


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
ballast #2834974 01/30/19 02:58 PM
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Originally Posted by ballast
."Hi""So I feel asleep""Sorry I missed your text""Wanted to talk with you""esp as I don't have to be at work til later""good night""sweet dreams" that was last night..

I think you were ok with this last night even with a phone call included.

Originally Posted by ballast
this morning "good morning, hope you have a great day""missed talking with you last night"

This is too much without a response.

What is her background? Has she been single awhile? Just out of a long-term relationship?

ballast #2834976 01/30/19 03:09 PM
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LH...yeah like I say if I was sending hearts, asking her where she was, why she hadn't replied, whatever, i'd totally get it, but i wasn't. and then the stuff for this morning was only because that is the pattern we had established daily. didn't need to say it, but we always have done so to date.

had she not previously asked that i call her to say good night, I would have not even picked the phone up to try and reach out to her last night.

she's been single for some a while now, two prior long terms that didn't pan out, but those were over by 2016.

just not used to someone counting the number of texts i send...if I take 10 texts to say 10 words that make up a simple "hi, how are you, I was asleep, sorry I missed you, good night, sweet dreams"...i just don't see that at all as overwhelming...


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2834980 01/30/19 03:13 PM
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Davide, yep agreed and I get it. thing is not once have I sent "hey are you up/around"...i'm just doing my thing, leaving her be, not checking up on her.

and yep, i'm aware of the dynamic...and I think esp in light of what transpired this morning which I don't think was fair on her part to call me out on, i need to back off a bit more. for sure when i was cool with just going to bed and not talking with her, she came out and asked for me to call her to say good night.

LOL just like when we get BD'd, the first few weeks of a new relationship is always when you are most out of balance because of the new reality you are in.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
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