Building my best self and life with or without W

[Did]

I’m open to filing. I’m going to think about it but may do it relatively soon. Maybe that will be my gift to myself for my 34th birthday feb 10th. She is of the opinion that marriage doesn’t matter and she was committed to me because she was committed and not because of a piece of paper saying we’re married. I asked her what she wanted or how she felt about us. And she said she is very introspective and couldn’t give me an answer right now ina. Public space. She didn’t say anything about me directly and has always hesitated on saying nice things about me since the separation. She did say that she was dating someone or had a second date planned with this person. I assume it’s more than a second date. As they normally downplay it.

Knowing I was just in Vegas and both of us had been dating other people. I never talk to her about my dating life. But did early on in separation. She brought us up being friends at that time when I used to talk about these two girls I dated. Over a year ago. She also said she was dating to fill a void and was never healthy and she’s feeling better now. I talked about some of the things I’m into in regard to writing and coaching people on happiness and how to use break ups as a way to grow. She played devils advocate.

Definitely no reason to talk about anything but D4. She definitely needs to know I’m done. Very open to filing. Not really that mad or sad. Kind of just is what it is a little disappointment. But I guess what I expected.

In meantime I’ll write something saying support of $2325 to end in July and only child support to be paid after that as is to be determined by an agreement by both parties. That’s a better deal than any attorney could get me.

Got D4 going home from school. Then going to the gym and will work out hard to get rid of any anxiety knowing she’s out. F it. I’m moving on. Maybe I should just file.

[SteveLW]

You know that I changed my hard stance on support because of D4, but you were all set prior to lunch to drop it to only rent. What changed between then and now.

[Did]

Fact that we agreed to one year of support from July. And that she could get more than that if she wanted to through the courts system.

[Did]

She asked me about something I said about the wording I used to drecribe something about writing my book at lunch. I guess I just don’t respond at all.

[Hurt213]

She asked me about something I said about the wording I used to drecribe something about writing my book at lunch. I guess I just don’t respond at all.

- Is it a question related to your daughter?

- Is it a question related to any shared finances you might have to deal with ?

if not, then do not reply - she is a big girl, and she chose to handle her life on her own, when she decided you were not part of her future plans.

Stay strong.

[SteveLW]

She asked me about something I said about the wording I used to drecribe something about writing my book at lunch. I guess I just don’t respond at all.

Temp check. At this point you should refer to her as The Thermometer as that is all she seems to do (temp check you).

[Did]

Thinking about it I do reallymiss her. She’s deep smart gorgeous sexy. I really like talking to her. But she’s not kind and doesn’t show me love. She’s hardened to me as Sandi says her heart is hard. Seeing other couples where the girl is rubbing the guys leg or leaning all over him during a meal. I’m a physical person that’s what I want. It’s sad. There’s nothing I can do but move on. Being that I do still want the relationship I’m not sure it makes sense to file. Just go dark I suppose. And commit to it long term.

I did not respond. I will not talk to her about anything but D4 and financial / divorce. No help with housing decisions for her or work or anything else.

For those who have read my blog why does it matter if w sees it? Going to go public with it at some point. Going to reach my goals. Not stay stuck in this space I’ve been in.

Going to write agreement for us to sign before paying any more support. All business. I said everything I had to say personallynyesterday. She said she liked spending time with me and I will not allow any more cake eating. Time to man the F up.

$2325 to be paid for 1 year as alimony/ spousal support + child support in 12 monthly payments which started July 2018.
June 2017- June 2018 w supported by shared credit cards after w left the marital home and separating.
Child support to be determined in June 2018.
There will be no splitting of any property or other accounts or funds after this support.
Custody shared as close to 50/50 as possible. Schedule to be re-evaluated as needed when w starts working.

[SteveLW]

Did, when you were courting her, did you do the chasing? Or did she?

You mention: "She’s deep smart gorgeous sexy."

If she is smart why isn't she earning her own living yet?

I heard a saying years ago that has stuck with me: "The one that loves the least, controls the relationship." Has she always controlled your relationship with her?

I agree you need to move on. I still get the sense that you are looking for that "hail mary" that I think Ginger mentioned. That you are hoping with one more day, hour, or minute she'll wake up and be the girl you married again. I think every thing you do is to gauge if she has taken a step toward or away from you, or remained in the same place.

You talk about being in control, happy with where you are, etc. Then tells us that at lunch she is going on her second date with another guy, and that you don't believe that, you think it is probably more than that.

Did you are two years in, this is not a new sitch where you should give her some time. After 2 years she continues to date others. If you were in the place you said you were prior to lunch you would have marched right to your L and MOVED ON. Even when you say "There’s nothing I can do but move on." it is as if there is dread and reluctance there. Compare that to the language pre-lunch. "I am pleased with where I am. I am so happy with my life. etc." So what is the truth? Are you ready to move on or are you sad and reluctant to do so?

Also, I would question the advice of your IC. I am firm believer in finding an IC that works, and not just settling for the first one you go to. We comparison shop for stereo speakers, and then we settle for the first IC that we find in the yellow pages. I would highly consider finding another IC. You're two years in. I am all for trying to save a MR but the facts of your sitch is that she has used you, manipulated you, continues to do so with no signs of changing her mind and returning to the MR, and continues to date (and presumably sleep) with other guys! Take a step back out away from your sitch a view it as an outsider, objective observer. If you were a friend of yours watching all this from afar, what would you say to you? Your IC essentially sent you into a lunch with a script (that you've said before by the way) in the hopes of what?

Anyway Did, I really think you need to move on and not just talk about. No more talks with her. No ultimatum. No "I'll do this with her and see if she is in or out." That ship has sailed. You can continue to be wagged by your tail, or you can take control and wag your tail!

[Did]

She always loved me more and pursued me in the relationship. Until her door slammed shut. The IC is great and gave me three bullet points. Of D4 first. separation no longer works for me. I’m going to level up my life. Are you in or are you out. And she has told me I should divorce her. That she is my drug of choice.

Friends say the same. What is she doing for you? Nothing good. Parents say the same. So yea when I see her it and we interact I want her. It makes me feel worse and I need to listen to my intuition there. It’s Fin obvious. So no more of that. Yesterday was the last time.

[ovrrnbw]

It’s sad. There’s nothing I can do but move on. Being that I do still want the relationship I’m not sure it makes sense to file. Just go dark I suppose. And commit to it long term.

Hallelujah!

I did not respond. I will not talk to her about anything but D4 and financial / divorce. No help with housing decisions for her or work or anything else.

Great.

If you were in the place you said you were prior to lunch you would have marched right to your L and MOVED ON.

Or just totally taken action to remove her as a priority in his life. Steve, do you think it's possible to move on without filing for divorce?

Did, I don't know about the IC. You obviously don't agree with her on the divorce, that's plain as day. Separation doesn't work for you, but you aren't ready to divorce so it's limbo for you. You have to make the most of it! As far as making your life better and improving as a man, we all think you should do that! So do it and let your W wonder what you're up to.