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ballast #2834364 01/25/19 01:35 PM
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thank you neffer!

Yes, you are right...strip away all of the rest and DB is to me primarily about becoming the best version of yourself that you present to the world and releasing any desire to control the world's reaction to who that person is.

One thing for sure that I would also say to the other guys who just posted. If/when a new someone comes around, your mind will flood with a ton of thoughts. TIME/PATIENCE. Miss Sunshine and I got off to a fast start just in terms of planning to do things. And then we realized that and it lead to our first need to communicate. It wasn't a conflict at all, just a point where we had to work through. I am happy to say she is very open and honest. We both told each other our thoughts, agreed we should take our time and agreed the need to discuss it further was closed unless/until we reach the next milestone. I knew it wasn't a conflict, but from what I've learned here I listened to her, engaged her and we resolved it. When you start with a clean slate and as things come up, you will find yourself drawing on what you've learned here.

I guess along those lines...when/if you meet someone new...just as is said here to LBS's to not share the knowledge with the WW, I would highly suggest folks don't brain dump there new "selves" on the new person. Keep it for you, don't spew it out at the new person. The knowledge should be "grafted" into the new person you have become if that makes sense. I guess I mean just don't approach the new person as a walking book of self help pointers. Be natural. You will have spent so much time here learning Sandi's rules, do this/do that, but don't take that approach into the new relationship.

thank you neffer for your support my friend!


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2834368 01/25/19 02:01 PM
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Ballast,

That's great to hear you met someone new and you have another chance at love. That's actually the best outcome imaginable under these circumstances. Why mourn the loss of a spouse that abandons you for someone else, broke your trust, and won't communicate when you have the chance to start over with someone who is worth your love. It's great that you're young and you can still build your family and enjoy life together with someone else. Sounds wonderful!

NicoleR #2834371 01/25/19 02:34 PM
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Originally Posted by NicoleR
Why mourn the loss of a spouse that abandons you for someone else, broke your trust, and won't communicate when you have the chance to start over with someone who is worth your love.


Nicole,

I’m terrible at taking my own advice, but I hope that you also take your own words to heart with respect to your sitch.

We here hope to help you remember that you deserve someone truly amazing, and who is worthy of your love.

We hope you never forget that you are worthy, and that you deserve these things, too.


M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. ‘18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
ballast #2834374 01/25/19 02:45 PM
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Hi Bo, thanks! If I meet such a person that'd be so wonderful. Right now I'm not aware of such a person existing who is available and interested and who I'm interested in as well, but if it could ever happen that would the best possible outcome for me as well. I need to work on improving myself a lot more first. I hope your situation is progressing well. I'll try to visit your thread shortly.

ballast #2834375 01/25/19 02:50 PM
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Thank you Nicole!

I am very intrigued by my new someone. For sure there is mutual interest. Truly the greatest part of this chance is not whether or not this will last forever, but simply the gift that I've received that says "love is possible again". Really is amazing how a simple introduction can break the chains of trauma that hold us to our past.

Really appreciate your kind words of support! :-)


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2834401 01/25/19 04:26 PM
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Time and patience boys and girls...time and patience...


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
ballast #2834514 01/26/19 05:18 PM
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Wow B!

The last time I saw your thread you were against anything that resembled putting yourself out here towards the opposite sex. And I can see how you came to that. What a turnaround. My friend - I hope you find the true peace you deserve! Blessings.


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

ballast #2834548 01/27/19 09:53 AM
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Wlf...

Yeah, I guess I can only say that my disposition was driven by the trauma brought on by decisions/actions that I couldn't understand. I mean I could accept my W wanted to leave, but never having the WHY. I think that's behind what threw me so far into the "I'm not playing" anymore mindset. Best I can say is that my mindset was blown away by my heart's emotional reaction to Miss Sunshine's arrival. Spiritually inclined you could say that God decided to show me rather clearly that he was in control of my life and could 180 my resistance effortlessly. She just showed up in my life and there was no way I could resist. That it happened when I had ZERO thought that it might...the chapters in our lives open and close sometimes very subtly and other times with a suddenness that's really amazing.

Thank you Wlf for your kind support and prayers throughout my sitch. I wish for you that you can find true peace, love and happiness in your sitch as well.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2834642 01/28/19 12:07 PM
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just a journal post...

D4 went back to W yesterday. D4 and I continue to have the best times together. it was the end of my first week of being a single dad and talking with Miss Sunshine. you read about being a single parent and dating, trying to balance the two given the demands on your schedule. until I experienced that this past week i didn't appreciate the words i had read. no issues at all really, Miss Sunshine understands my responsibilities and accepts them. the thing i need to focus on is that she is trying to get to know me and not right away D4 so when she and I speak I keep our convo mostly all about us. D4, well she is a smart cookie and is curious to whom it is I'm speaking with when the phone rings. as it is early days I simply tell her "Daddy is talking to a friend" and leave it at that. for me as a guy, prior to being on this board having cognizance about the needs and feelings of those people with whom i relationships with, i was clueless. now i have that inherent awareness AND desire to make sure that not only are my needs and feelings met, but so too the others in my life. Miss Sunshine speaks openly and honestly with me, provides words of praise and has shown herself to be apologetic even for when she has no need to be. good stuff is all I can say. I continue to be mindful to not get ahead of myself, not try to save her from her daily stresses and not put her on a pedestal. I do feel a more competent, valuable partner as a result of the knowledge I've gained from so many of you.

The other aspect...D4 continues to wish that we were a family still. The excitement of my new interest contrasts against D4's feelings and it makes it tough on me. There can only be one or the other, not both. While I'm free of the feelings of her mother, my heart does hurt and pull for D4's desires. I guess at the core of it, I continue to remind myself that it was not my decision to separate our family nor my decision to not try and save it. My having met Miss Sunshine didn't happen do to me being proactive in seeking her out, rather she found me when WW decided to set me free. It is a unique feeling living between the past and the future.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2834648 01/28/19 01:04 PM
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B...


I am so happy for you.. How the heck do I sit here at my office, and smile from ear to ear, reading the story of a person, whom I have never met, and yet it feels so personal, because you deserve every freakin little feeling of joy and bliss that comes your way.

You have been a tremendous help for me in order to get to where I am today, and for that I can never thank you enough.

Enjoy the rays of sunshine this new SO is throwing at you, be the lighthouse for your D4 that you already are, the tall and guiding light in her life. And then remember: You have one life, one chance to make the most of it. You are already so very focused on making D4s life the best it can be given the circumstances - now sit back, enjoy the ride, and feel fine, not guilty for D4s feelings of wanting a relationship with dad and mom, because you didn't create these circumstances. Validate that little angels feelings, acknowledge that it is hard, and then realize that it is what it is. You can't change that, and now you make the best of what you have, and from what I can read, Karma is catching up with you in a positive manner.

I hope the very best for you and your family, you deserve every inch of it.

/h


BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018.
EA: June 2018
PA: August 2018 - ongoing
Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids
WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
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