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Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2833994
01/23/19 04:21 PM
01/23/19 04:21 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
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Davide Offline
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Davide  Offline
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David,

Listen to what everyone is telling you on here, really listen and let it set in, especially from vets like AnotherStander who have counseled many, many people in similar situations. A lot of what you hear on here may sting, a lot may feel wrong, but that is normal, you are having to face hard truths and act in new ways (the old ones clearly were not working.)

There are a lot of people on here who are dealing with in-house separations. Read up on their sitches. It is not easy to detach like that, but it can be done.

Also, I would think seriously about steps to protect yourself financially. Your wife seems to be making very unwise decisions right now and you don't want to leave yourself exposed.

Good luck. Have patience.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2834002
01/23/19 04:47 PM
01/23/19 04:47 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 773
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SoTorn Offline
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SoTorn  Offline
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Posts: 773
Dave,

You don't need to worry about the coffee. If you make a pot and there is enough for her thats not you doing her a favor. There is a difference between making coffee and getting her a cup and taking it to her. Don't get her a cup.

You need to stop doing anything that is convenient for her or services her in any way. Not only is this to protect yourself emotionally, its for her to "feel" the loss of you.

I am in IHS and I got the ILYBNILWY speech back in August 2018. I confirmed PA October 31st. IHS was self imposed by WW September 2018.

This is time for you to grow personally. Go to the gym, get some new clothes, find a new hobby, make new friends, get in touch with old friends, visit parents and family, be gone as much as possible and split your GAL time between yourself and between your kids.

I plan most of my week around myself and plan two days out of the week to spend with my kids. All of that includes me being gone.

No you do not need to tell her where you are going. I assume you have a mobile phone. If there is an emergency with your kids she can call/text you.

Stop responding to her messages and calls. Only respond if there is a direct question, logistical issues with the kids or finances. Even then, respond on your time and keep it very short and without emotion.

If you get up to leave and she notices and asks you if you are leaving you respond with "yes". Thats it. If she doesnt ask, then just leave. You can keep your kids in the loop. I speak with my kids directly when I am going out of town or going to be gone. My kids are old enough that I don't need to coordinate anything for them.

If you are leaving and she asks and further probes you for information such as "Who are you going with?", you respond with "Friends". Or if she asks "Where are you going?" just respond with "out".

Remember, don't be rude. Just be indifferent. You can survive this and you WILL better yourself. Always be happy and upbeat around her. Always be positive in your interactions with your kids.

I feel that one of the most important things you need to do is get some boundaries in place. Go read the boundaries thread.

Remember, boundaries are for you and not for your WW. You should have a hard boundary wherein your WW is not allowed to speak with OM while at home or around you. Your WW is disrespecting your entire family by carrying on in the family home with the OM on the phone.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2834009
01/23/19 05:13 PM
01/23/19 05:13 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 400
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Adam04 Offline
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Adam04  Offline
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Posts: 400
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Dave,

Also be careful of pulling all the way back as you learn. Sounds like you're the primary bread winner if I'm not mistaken? I think you still have a financial responsibility to take care of the necessities like paying certain bills or maintenance like your car. It's tricky not to support their habits like paying for her phone if all she does is talk to him on it. Difference from not supporting a bad habit to punishing her if she makes no money and has been taking care of the house. You do need to protect yourself financially asap. I hope this makes sense.

You will feel waves of different emotions. These cycles are normal. You will want to initiate change which you need to and you deserve a change for the better, but don't rush. It's easy to jump the gun and cause more damage if your intention is to stand for your marriage. Again this is your journey. Don't do it for her, Do all this for you. As people have told me, think about your values and principles. Go by those as feelings are fleeting.

Now is a great time to find yourself again in all of this. Be patient, there is a lot to discover/rediscover. Don't be mean or punitive. Once you're somewhat clear headed, figure out where you stand and what you want.

You will hear that you can't change her.

You can only control yourself so ask yourself:

Do you want to be happy?

Do you deserve to be treated better and not as a door mat?

If you know the answer now is not focused towards her but is on your shoulders, what will you do?

Once you are more aware, you can start to put things into action like you are doing. Reading is key. Also learning to control your emotions. Then getting a life ,GAL , and detachment are so vital to your well being. I'm not talking about your marriage for a reason. That's on the back burner for now. Focus on you, you owe it to yourself to create your own happiness and a better mental and emotional state not dependent on another.

Last edited by Adam04; 01/23/19 05:13 PM.

H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

----
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2834012
01/23/19 05:24 PM
01/23/19 05:24 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
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Ginger1 Online
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I am sorry you find yourself here, but before addressing anything else, there is one major thing that needs to be addressed.

This boyfriend from India is 99% a scammer. They prey on lonely women.

PLEASE DO SOMETHING TO PROTECT YOUR MONEY AND ASSESTS

Before you know it, you might find yourself with thousands siphoned from your bank account.

First and foremost, protect yourself. PLease.

Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2834014
01/23/19 05:41 PM
01/23/19 05:41 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,699
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DejaVu6 Offline
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I agree. He probably sees her as his ticket out and will tell her anything she wants to hear to make that happen. Protect yourself!!


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Marriage and depression [Re: LH19] #2834022
01/23/19 06:11 PM
01/23/19 06:11 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
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DaveK Offline OP
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DaveK  Offline OP
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Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
Originally Posted by LH19
David no one is telling you to be mean and unsupportive. Don't confuse that with not being a doormat and weak.

I think I understand...but not really. I know what the words mean, but I don't know what to do in practice.

Originally Posted by LH19
For an example when she asked you to book a hotel room or she would end up on the street. A good response would have been "I am sorry to hear that, I am sure you will figure it out".

I agree...around that trip I made many mistakes....but I can't change that now.

Originally Posted by LH19
The hardest thing for newbies mainly men to understand is that you can't nice your way back. They end up acting like (another word for cats) and actually make matters worse.

That is where my concern is....she told me all the things I messed up and didn't do. Now I'm doing it and it's not good? It leaves me confused. If I do these things I come across as doormat, when I don't do them I wonder if she thinks she was right all along and that I will never change[/quote]

Originally Posted by LH19
It takes a lot of strength early on to say this is BS and I am not going to put up with it.

Do you have the strength David?

I missed the early on phase as this is going on for half a year now. I have no choice other than to have the strength.I have hope, she hasn't left yet and finally gets treatment for her depression.
What is the hardest is that I have nobody. My kids don't want to talk about it, my family is all the way over in Germany, and being extremely shy I have no close friends except for a few folks online.
Do I have the strength? I want nothing more than to find a way to a much better marriage with my wife. The difficult part is that she does not seem interested in that...although I really do not know what she is thinking.And I often wonder if I am really that unloveable, that horrible of a person that I got what I deserved. For months I am seeking advice and get it, but I feel no wiser. I don't know what to do.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2834023
01/23/19 06:19 PM
01/23/19 06:19 PM
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Accuray Offline
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Posts: 2,502
Dave, I'm very sorry you're here. Everything she told you about your faults was nonsense to justify her affair. When you then respond to her complaints you validate them, so she feels even more entitled to have her affair.

You've been trying to "nice your way back" for the last seven months.

It's not working, it will never work.

You cannot placate her, you can not "prove your love" through acts of giving and support.

You also cannot push her away by withdrawing support.

She has chosen her course of action, and as of right now, *nothing* you do will impact it.

Your shortest path back together is to go the opposite direction.

You need to make things *worse* before they can get better

Are you willing to do that?

If not, you can expect many more years of the same thing you have now.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DejaVu6] #2834028
01/23/19 06:25 PM
01/23/19 06:25 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
D
DaveK Offline OP
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DaveK  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I agree. He probably sees her as his ticket out and will tell her anything she wants to hear to make that happen. Protect yourself!!

She says that he does not want to leave India, that he likes it where he lives.He is bound to take over the family business. If he cannot manage to get my wife a place to stay for two weeks, how is he ever going to run a business?
She says he has a lot of emotional intelligence and that I am a brick. I have no idea what that means.
A few months back I took over the day to day finances. I pay the bills and I freaked out over what appeared to be debt that might get too big to handle. It probably was fine, but I sold company stock and transferred money from Germany. I put a good chunk into my IRA and used the rest to pay off a bunch of credit cards. At least that put my mind at ease.
I don't know how much debt she accumulated on her CC, but that has not my name on it.
That said, there was a substantial amount of money in the account and currently carry a balance that easily allows for the unforseen expenses such as that big car repair. If she would want money she could have grabbed it, but didn't. Many times she told me that she is not interested in ruining me financially. So far that is true.

Things would be different (not easier and not peachy, just different) if the Indian guy would be out of the picture, but that isn't something I have any control over.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2834029
01/23/19 06:30 PM
01/23/19 06:30 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,619
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,619
Originally Posted by DaveK

I missed the early on phase as this is going on for half a year now. I have no choice other than to have the strength.I have hope, she hasn't left yet and finally gets treatment for her depression.

Hope is good. I just would like to challenge you for right now to take your W out of the equation. What kind of life does David want to lead? It can be very overwhelming in the beginning. Are you exercising, eating well and getting good sleep?

Originally Posted by DaveK
What is the hardest is that I have nobody. My kids don't want to talk about it, my family is all the way over in Germany, and being extremely shy I have no close friends except for a few folks online.

Google meetup groups in your area and pick one. If you are shy it will be scary as fuch in the beginning. Just do it and you will thank me later. It's time to get out of your comfort zone.

Originally Posted by DaveK
Do I have the strength? I want nothing more than to find a way to a much better marriage with my wife. The difficult part is that she does not seem interested in that...although I really do not know what she is thinking.

She is not interested right now. That can and change if you can get your $hit together and start moving in a positive direction.

Originally Posted by DaveK
And I often wonder if I am really that unloveable, that horrible of a person that I got what I deserved. For months I am seeking advice and get it, but I feel no wiser. I don't know what to do.

You are not horrible and unloveable you just lost your way at some point.

Please add a signature at the bottom like I have. It helps people understand your situation better. Feel free to ask any questions or for clarifications.

This is probably going to be the hardest thing you ever go through but you will come out the other side a way better person if you are willing to do the work.

It is really important to read over all the homework Cadet sent you and start with trying to control your emotions the best that you can.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2834030
01/23/19 06:32 PM
01/23/19 06:32 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
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Ginger1 Online
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She may not be interested in ruining you financially, but he may be slowly pulling money out of her and she will want to help him as to not lose her.

She is being scammed. SO that big car repair money you might see slowly dwindled.

Take her off that account. Seriously. This can get bad.

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