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ballast #2833843 01/22/19 03:53 PM
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Well, some kicks in the a$$ have worked for me...I have had like more than a thousand by now...and they are still coming!

Really happy for you man. Just ride the boat now, it will go up and down in the waves, but it will go somewhere. The key is to enjoy the ride.


Keep sailing B!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
ballast #2833847 01/22/19 04:13 PM
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Haha B that's awesome. I had the same thing happen to me in August. I went out and had 4 different women showing interest one Saturday night. And my mindset changed so quick. And hopefully you learned how much of that "being down" was just in your head!


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
ovrrnbw #2833853 01/22/19 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
And hopefully you learned how much of that "being down" was just in your head!


This is so much of it right here. We get in this rut where we think if our W doesn't want or like us then no one does, and we sink into a hole and think that's it, we're done, life is over, we'll just scrape along and survive until the end comes knocking. It takes a wake-up call like B just had to realize that this whole mess is more about our spouse than it is us. True loving, caring, nurturing, sensitive gentlemen like us are a dying breed and in high demand! Once you realize that then you see the world in a different way. You see your W as the big loser in this, she's throwing away the best man she could ever hope for and all for what, a fling with some second-rate loser. Well she's welcome to it because there's plenty more for us out there. Let her affair down, we'll go the upgrade route grin Of course we are all about saving marriages here, but some of them aren't going to be saved no matter what, so it's good to know you're going to have some very attractive options if your M doesn't make it.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
ovrrnbw #2833856 01/22/19 05:05 PM
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Haha B that's awesome. I had the same thing happen to me in August. I went out and had 4 different women showing interest one Saturday night. And my mindset changed so quick. And hopefully you learned how much of that "being down" was just in your head!



Another anti-D writer I read during my sitch talked about how these wives with a walkaway mindset usually regretted it. Our society and male-female characteristics, like it or not, makes it much more easy for a man to move on than a woman. She talked about how many wives that had affairs, then initiated D would later see their ex-H happily remarried, while her affair eventually ended, and wishing she still had her H. She even said it was a phenomenon where the WW wouldn't want her H back until it was too late, IE he had moved on with another woman.

Anecdotally this generally seems to be true based on the what I've seen.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
ballast #2833860 01/22/19 05:24 PM
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I think the complete inability for an LBS to understand their WW is the greatest thing that locks us up in our mind and heart. As shown on here so many WW just go WAY past the level of comprehension for an LBS and because they still exist physically as whom we recall...it's the ultimate trauma. for me at least, my value of myself never faltered, but my belief in my ability to meet the needs of the other gender...oh yeah that was shot to crap.

It's so funny to me Stander. When you described your new lady and how amazing she was to me in the early days of my sitch, I was like "yeah right, good luck for me finding something like that" BAM! out of NOWHERE she came to me! Best I can describe it is "next chapter for B, BD has begun". It is funny as well because as I am completely certain of my desire to pursue this new relationship...out of the back of my mind there are whispers saying "maybe my W was right in ending us". THAT feeling after so many months of complete denial that could be the case.

All I can say is right now even if I wanted to, I could not go back to my WW. It's not even a matter of dropping the rope...there is no rope to drop anymore.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2833864 01/22/19 05:54 PM
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One step after the other B. Take your time, relax and enjoy the ride. You have the control of your sitch, you have always had it.

Keep moving.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
ballast #2833865 01/22/19 05:57 PM
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Congrats Ballast! It's great to hear the shift in tone as this new relationship as opened your eyes to the future!

You mentioned using this new relationship as a space to try out the new and improved Ballast v.2.0, and I think that is spot on. Taking the lessons we have learned through our stiches to make ourselves a better partner in any relationship. For me that means letting go (or trying to!) of expectations, and holding everything lightly rather than trying to grasp and clutch it closely. It also means being true to my values even if that means walking away from a relationship or person who I am attracted to.

What do you think it means to you?


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
ballast #2833874 01/22/19 06:37 PM
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Davide, yep for sure in a very real sense I feel like I've been positive BD'd if that makes any sense.

For me it means NOT trying to avoid conflict, NOT being passive, deferring my role as man of the relationship. I am far more aware of and interested in establishing solid foundations within a relationship from the start especially with regards to communication. I think most importantly to me, Sandi's post regarding how a woman loses respect for her man. That really resonated with me. While true that my WW was responsible for leaving and ending our MR, there are many points within Sandi's list where I felt that I could have/should have done much better. Again not truly being aware of the impact of those things which I took for granted. Basically and this will sound overly simplistic, but it really is...being THE MAN. And I don't mean being a fake or over the top alpha or some jerk or other distorted depiction of one. The leader, protector, provider, take care of business type that all women respect. I'm as excited about developing that within me and for the benefit of this new relationship as I am about the fact that this new relationship has presented itself.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2834033 01/23/19 06:42 PM
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hello everyone...does anyone have bookmarked and/or can search and find Sandi's "why/how women lose respect for their man"?

i've never been able to find it and given sandi's vast posting i'm not surprised. i know it was posted in 2018, spring/summer if i recall.

any help with a link to it would be appreciated!

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2834044 01/23/19 07:08 PM
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* The H has had an EA/PA. He flirts with other women, even in front of his W. The H is guilty of inappropriate behavior with women. He compares his W to other women, making her feel inadequate and insecure. He openly shows how he is checking out another woman, in the presence of his W. He talks excessively about the new woman at work and cannot praise her enough. He wants his W to change her hair color or dress like a particular woman he knows. He talks about marriage as if it is his prison and his W is the warden. He makes unfunny jokes or comments about marriage, wives, playing around on the W, etc. He talks and behaves as if other women is the only topic that is ever on his mind.

* The H lacks male dominance. (The following was taken from another source). He lacks the take-charge ingredient when it comes to the MR and family life. His role models have been the TV sitcom H's who are the laid back, hen-pecked, passive types. He mistakenly believes that the way to a happy marriage is to let his W be in charge of everything, resulting in her ruling the roost. TV shows portray marriages that have a domineering W, with a somewhat dim-witted H who just happily goes along with whatever his W wants. In real life, those ingredients do not produce a happy W. It produces a W who disrespects her passive H who lacks male dominance in their MR and in the family home.

* The H is constantly rude and inconsiderate of her (and others). He embarrasses her in front of others. He talks down to her or makes fun at her expense in front of her children, family, friends, and in public. His manners are terrible. He is too loud (talking, laughing, poking at others, drawing attention, etc.) in public or in a group setting. He gets drunk and acts out in front of others. He may cuss or use vulgar language toward her and/or others while in public or a small group.

* The H never admits he was wrong or takes responsibility for his mistakes. He blames others or the situation for his failures. He is arrogant. The H won't listen to her views or concerns. He doesn't respect the opinion of others. He thinks he is right and everyone else is wrong....regardless of what it is. When watching TV, he gets drawn into the program....making condensing or vulgar remarks, even in front of the children. His negativity is always present in his interaction with others. She worries that the children will pick up his bad habits.

* The H is a control freak. This goes beyond a healthy interest or concern. He wants to control every aspect of the W (what she does, where she goes, who she talks to, what she wears, when she can visit her parents, etc.).

* The H is emotionally insecure. He is jealous, suspicious, fears, worries, expects the worst case scenario, gets anxious, etc. He doubts himself as a man. He needs constant assurances from his W that everything is fine.

* The H lacks compassion, patience, tenderness, and understanding. He resents his W's complaints or her attempts to discuss the need for him to have these traits. Instead of trying, he grows colder, harder and more impatient with her and the children.

* The H is selfish in every area of his life. Self-gratification is priority for him, and if his W and kids don't understand, that's too bad.

He wants her undivided attention on his needs. He drains her b/c he is always focused on himself and how he feels.

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