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ballast #2833373 01/17/19 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Well I think it's part of recovery. It's a way for us to remind ourselves that we really AREN'T crazy, our WAS really did love us and care for us at some point regardless of what they say right now. It doesn't make any sense that they can just turn their feelings off, but yet it happens. You may have seen me mention this before but my ex told me in tears that I needed to take care of myself, that I couldn't die because if I did she could never go on with her life. I mean she was crying her eyes out! There was nothing that triggered it, she just felt the need to tell me she couldn't survive without me. 6 months later- BD. What happened in those 6 months that suddenly changed her mind about the M? NOTHING. Nothing at all, not one thing was different. How do you mentally grasp that a person can do such an extreme 180 like that? I wish I could tell you, or that someone else could tell both of us, LOL! Anyway my point to you is this- this is about your H, not about you. You are clearly a loyal, loving, caring, sensitive person that many men would be proud to be married to. Your H? A switch in him flipped, and he's not who he used to be. Maybe he will be again some day, but maybe not. Regardless, don't lose who YOU are.


Thank you AS for posting that in DV6's sitch. Definitely needed to hear that for my sitch as well.

DV6/Nicole/Bo...I appreciate all of your words of encouragement, support and the shared knowledge that we are all experiencing many of the same terrible feelings at the same time.

DV6...so I didn't believe I feared anything as I know I'm a high self esteem guy. even if W had an OM, I'd still feel the same way. My first marriage for whatever reason I never gave the OM a second thought. I guess in my mind her having an affair made her a bad person, adultery was a sin and so she was now OM's problem and I was free and clear in the eyes of the Lord. If I found out the same with current W, I'd feel the same way..."better him than me actually". Betrayal? I will drop you like you weren't even born. BUT in the past my trust "setting" was default to ON....now my setting is "Leave Alone". So you ARE correct my fear of trusting is off the charts. I know that has to change within me if I ever intend to ever try again. Anyway yeah that is the fear that is winning within me right now. Although I see it less as a fear and more of a decision...likely though much more of a defense/protection that I acknowledge.

Nicole...thank you and good luck trying to find anything in my sitch about why/how things happened! smile. Fear of aging, body image, motherhood, responsibility, life passing her by, we were roommates, can handle every day life she had all of those within her. Anxiety/avoidance...my IC said in 20 years of practice she has never encountered someone as avoidant as my W. Stander has told me several times in the past how silent his wife was. Last week I read through his story. His W was WAY WAY more talkative with him than mine. Not a single phone call in a year. Text exchanges I could count on one hand. Not one single "how are you", "I'm sorry", no temp checks, nothing. To say that if not for our D4, there would not be much difference between her having died and the level of communication in our sitch would be a very accurate statement.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2833445 01/18/19 12:24 PM
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Let time erode the edges of pain B.

Stick to DB basics: keep the GAL going. You need to keep looking for your future. Andrew P wrote some time ago that he would know he was healed when what defined him is in front of him rather than what is behind. Many of us are far from healed but we MUST look forward.

Stay strong man, keep moving.

(((B & D4)))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
ballast #2833459 01/18/19 01:52 PM
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neffer, as always thank you for your support. you're positivity with so many people suffering on here, I wish I had that.

dropping into straight out depression...i can feel it circling me hoping i'll drop into it. D4 solely by being the light of my life, keeps me free of it. beyond being able to stay free of that...my future is stasis. the more time passes the more pieces of the destruction i'll be able to put back together. i've lost, my WW has won. and if she was far from healed, i've now joined the listed of zombie like casualties as well. feel like giving up on the IC, giving up on love...so pointless trying to understand how to become a better partner. two divorces in 10 years, two new houses i never lived in long enough to even get comfortable in or fully make a home.

i'm strong and will forever be for my D4. simply put it's the only valid representation of true love this chaotic modern entitled world can't destroy. you are a blessing to many on here neffer, even if so many of us rue "the other side" that we don't understand from which you experienced. i thank you sincerely for the help you give everyone, i just think i'm way too far gone for helping. she won.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2833465 01/18/19 02:10 PM
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Nobody wins B, we all loose. Ever.

Time to cycle upwards now my friend. Start moving. We are here to help you. Help yourself first.

Insert "Kick in the a$$" emoji here

Go man, go!

(((B)))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
ballast #2833794 01/22/19 01:09 PM
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so....i met someone. i didn't go looking. she came looking for me.

a girl friend of mine had emailed me to say her friend thought i was handsome and sent me her picture. I told my friend to thank her for the compliment and let her know that I though she was very pretty. definite sparks/mutual attraction.

to say that this happened when i was "down" on the roller coaster that is my sitch...the whole concept of chapters in a person's life, they don't end and start many times as we might expect. this weekend and new person have breathed amazing life back into me. i'm taking all of this slowly. i am very interested in her and want to get to know her. i have stood for my marriage for almost a year with basically zero interaction with other ladies and exactly ZERO interest from my W. i do not have any guilt in pursuing this, internally it is time. as we are always told here, move forward, live for yourself...i am doing that.

i guess i'm just amazed at how life can sometimes turn on a dime. i am anxious to try and apply all of those things i've learned here about being a better man and better partner. i know i've dropped into i'm done, no more, etc, but i've been reading alot of good stuff who have said you will get your heart broke along the way, but don't give up because what is right for you is out there. simply put i'm just refusing to give up.

i wish you all well and my prayers for each of you that are hurting in your sitches.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2833796 01/22/19 01:27 PM
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Best of luck mate. 1 step at a time. smile

Take it slow and get to know this lucky woman.

I'm almost 6 months post DDay. In NC since October 2018. Nothing from WW. Haven't seen or spoke to her in person since last Sept.

I'm getting better and stronger every week. I hope to be as strong as you in a few months time.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
ballast #2833799 01/22/19 01:34 PM
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good luck -B! Funny how life is, ain't it? "I think I am done with a relationships." "Whoa, a cute woman is attracted to me!"

Never say never.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
ballast #2833804 01/22/19 01:59 PM
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thank you manta and steve!

for sure Steve life is funny. of all the things my experiences have taught me, the most important is how you expect/want your life to go and how it ACTUALLY goes are two completely different things.

coming to acceptance within yourself to allow your life to be taken where God wants it to go for you...

mindful from where I've come, i'm just trying to free myself as best i can from the desire to control and let my life take me where it will. i have a wonderful new interest placed before me, I am thankful and blessed for that.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2833814 01/22/19 02:36 PM
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Nothing has changed...and all has changed...perception of who we are...

That“s moving forward B!

You are making me tear at work...shame on you man!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
ballast #2833841 01/22/19 03:42 PM
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thank you neffer. yep...on a single "my friend thinks your..." your whole life can change. so crazy to grasp how the utterly simple can be the most profound.

when i didn't want to move forward, life stepped in. really an amazing thing for me to think about.

just had a blessing come out of nowhere. to be sure neffer you are an amazing help to so many here. funny how the last words i had on my sitch before new lady showed was you saying "Insert "Kick in the a$$" emoji here". it worked! :-)

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
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