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ballast #2833270 01/17/19 03:31 PM
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Ease your mind B. Last comunication fueled the spark you have somewhere inside your heart. And it´s ok to have it and to be in pain right now. You´re longing for a former W that´s not there. But the pain is there. It will flow out with time. Need to live the real world, remember?

You have done a long walk B. And you are here, time and space centered.

You have yourself (not an easy thing...), you have D4. Live the present.


All my love to you and D4 man


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
ballast #2833273 01/17/19 03:43 PM
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Originally Posted by ballast
just a quick journal entry...

it is a terrible shame that this divorce must happen and W has not shown a single sad feeling about this...it is what it is I know, I know also as Sandi has said I can't fear the divorce and it just has to happen.

i am definitely one of those once divorced the door is forever closed types of folks although the words that BluWave wrote in Joe2017's sitch really had an impact on me and how i view what's happening.

i'm resigned to the inevitability of what lies ahead of me. i know unfortunately it must happen and for all intents my MR has been dead for coming up on a year. i do not understand how man or woman can get to a point like my WW where the ending of an MR can be seen as a positive or even joyful thing. i guess that's just one of those unanswerables of life that i don't have to like, but must accept.

our marriage/family I loved more than my own life...REAL hard to see it ending like it was nothing but a piece of trash to my W.

I know i'm not alone in these feelings and I know full well the blessings i have in my life...doesn't stop the pain of this though...

-B


Having your S reneg on their commitment to the MR is the hardest thing any of us will go through short of medical issues. No question. It is the most emotionally damaging event someone can go through. And you've been through it twice. B, hang in there. Things will improve and get better. Love that little girl like the precious gift she is!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
ballast #2833281 01/17/19 03:57 PM
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thank you DV6 and neffer...

we are getting ready to dismantle more of our material things from ours to her's and mine. procedurally it is simple, the impact of what those changes represent is far far from easy to accept for me at least.

i don't understand where she went, what was so wrong, how can someone...i'm dealing with the trauma of things that impact me for which i'll never understand. when you say she is no longer there, it's so matter of fact that the thought people can just "disappear" from who they were...anyway..

yes I have me and D4. just have to pick up the pieces and move on. pray some day ANY of this will make sense. so crazy after so many months of nothing...I'm in tears writing this...

appreciate so much the support i've gotten from this board.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2833292 01/17/19 04:35 PM
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There are no pieces B, it´s you and D4 for what you are accounting now. We all get what you are saying man. I was on the other side, remember...all I would say to you now is that we can´t run from ourselves all the time. But it doesn´t depend on you when, where, how, even if... That´s why you need to check reality.

We know it is hard B. We are all there with you. Account what you have. You have a treasure.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
ballast #2833294 01/17/19 04:37 PM
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Hey Ballast,

Hang in there! You have a wonderful little girl to live for and whom you can focus your attention on. That is the biggest blessing.

I do think you need to let go. Not just let go of your W, or the MR that was, but let go of the expectation that you can EVER make sense of this situation. It doesn't serve you to focus on that, and the lack of a rationale behind it can/will drive you nuts if you let it. Sh#t happens. The longer you stare at the past the more you don't have your eyes on the present. Maybe that's the answer. It's hard to let go and when you turn your mind towards it, it is easy to once again fixate on the object (W, MR) that you are trying to release. So, instead focus on the present, the life you have, the life you and your daughter share.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
ballast #2833304 01/17/19 05:10 PM
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B - I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I said the same thing yesterday.. how the dismantling of our life together is so unsettling and painful for me but means pretty much nothing to my H. He is so desperate to just get everything wrapped up in a bow so he can reinvent himself and just forget about me and everything he has done. He really believes that I am the reason he lived a double life for so long. Davide is right. There really is no making sense of it. Our spouses could have made many other choices that would have potentially led to strong and happy marriages but they didn't. Instead they chose to harden their hearts and wait for their opportunity to drop the bomb and run. That is on them, not us. People who do that are really missing something internal....empathy, character, a moral compass... hopefully in time they come to recognize this and do the work but it is just as likely that they won't. Either way...we do have to save ourselves in the end. So sorry that you are going through this. I would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy. There is light at the end of the tunnel though...just keep moving towards it as best you can. Look beside you... I am right there with you. (((HUGS)))

ballast #2833305 01/17/19 05:10 PM
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Hi Ballast,

I have a four year old daughter too! I feel the exact same way you do. Loving family more than anything and then being tossed away like trash, not to mention the irreplaceable loss for the children that we'd do anything to avoid. I'll never regret trying to save my marriage because it meant everything to me. I'm sure you feel the same way. I'll try to read through your thread more to see if I can offer any clarity on why things happened the way. I've been going through this for years. It's the worst pain anyone can imagine.

ballast #2833313 01/17/19 05:34 PM
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neffer from my side, there are only pieces left...I guess it's very difficult for waywards to truly understand the degree to which their actions destroy us LBSs. I do know very well that I'm only accounting for myself and D4 now. And I do appreciate and understand what you say about the "other side". I completely get I'm on my journey alone and she is on the same with hers. I don't even have within me a desire for karma to get her or her to wake up or her to actually anything. The degree of trauma her actions have brought on in me, I don't even feel any way towards her right now good or bad.

thank you davide. yes, I for sure do. it is unbelievably hard to see the magical smile and growth of D4 and the potential for her young life...against the complete heap of failure that was the inability of her parents to give her the family she so surely deserves. and I hear you on the let go, move forward. i can tell you after going through D twice, the desire to move on LOL. exist is a more apt description. i have all the time in the rest of my life for whatever. i'm just right now in a place i can describe really. i miss the W i knew, i hate feeling like a complete failure especially when I don't know how it happened, but I have no desire to pursue her or even be emotional over it. when i look ahead...i see, but i'm just staring off like i'm in a daze.

time...so much time am I going to need to move forward to something. i love my life with my D4, work is fine, GAL ain't bad either...am i fated to be alone the rest of my life never to be able to trust again? i just don't want to try anymore relationship wise, my faith in love/marriage/finding a loving forever partner is shot to H**L...and maybe it was all my fault.

so tough how the simplest of discussions about this is mine and this is your's sent me off the cliff today...apologies in advance for parts of this being a pity party. clearly i'm on the low part of the roller coaster track today.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2833318 01/17/19 05:51 PM
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(((B)))

Originally Posted by Ballast
time...so much time am I going to need to move forward to something. i love my life with my D4, work is fine, GAL ain't bad either...am i fated to be alone the rest of my life never to be able to trust again? i just don't want to try anymore relationship wise, my faith in love/marriage/finding a loving forever partner is shot to H**L...and maybe it was all my fault.


Again...could have written that. So painful to read and even more painful to live. Yes...we both contributed to the demise of our marriages but we would have also done ANYTHING to save them IF our spouses had told us how they were feeling. I'm sure there were signs along the way...for sure there were in my sitch...but both of us did the best we could with the information that we had...which honestly, wasn't much. We need to forgive ourselves B. Difficult I know. I, too, feel like a failure and that I have let my children down. But again...I would have done anything to change that. I was not given the chance. My H made up his mind long before he ever let me in on what was happening. And what you wrote about being fated to live alone? We are both still grieving B. Give yourself some time and don't let fear reign because that is what that is...fear. [I know...I talk a good game..."fake it till you make it" definitely applies.] (((HUGS)))

DejaVu6 #2833322 01/17/19 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6


Again...could have written that. So painful to read and even more painful to live. Yes...we both contributed to the demise of our marriages but we would have also done ANYTHING to save them IF our spouses had told us how they were feeling. I'm sure there were signs along the way...for sure there were in my sitch...but both of us did the best we could with the information that we had...which honestly, wasn't much. We need to forgive ourselves B. Difficult I know. I, too, feel like a failure and that I have let my children down. But again...I would have done anything to change that. I was not given the chance. My H made up his mind long before he ever let me in on what was happening. And what you wrote about being fated to live alone? We are both still grieving B. Give yourself some time and don't let fear reign because that is what that is...fear. [I know...I talk a good game..."fake it till you make it" definitely applies.] (((HUGS)))


I think about my sitch and how W told me what she wanted / needed me to do—and for whatever reason, I didn’t do it, or I apparently didn’t do enough. She brought that up the other night—that according to her, I couldn’t or I wouldn’t. It’s hard for me, too, because I do feel like I failed her, and I’m regretting what I’ve done and failed to do.

What I also know is that she has problems that she needs to look at honestly and deeply—that we both did things wrong. But it’s still hard to not feel like all this is my fault, so I understand.

I do understand the fear of being fated to live alone after all this—but that is it, fear. It’s also the purpose of working on self, GAL’ing, 180’ing (W tells me how great I am at words, but she wants actions), and the last couple of months I’ve been attempting to just show her (which is also why I’ve been sparse with my words—but in typical WAS-speak, it’s not enough if I don’t talk enough, my talk is cheap when I do). I’m trying to keep PMA and rediscover my value / self-worth and realize that I can be a gift to someone down the road—MR 2.0, or someone else, in time.

We all are grieving, but also we are all worthy—and that is what I keep in mind. (((HUGS)))


M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. ‘18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
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