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Happy Anniversary!!! I hope you have/had a great day!! (((Blu)))

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Happy anniversary Blu. Still wondering if you are not my wife...today is my anniversary too...19 years!

Keep shining Blu, enjoy the day.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Blu,

I have been reading your thread, and I wanted to thank you. We are piecing now, and much of what you have written rings true for us as well. It has definitely helped me look at my situation knowing that even though I feel like this is new and scary, I'm not alone. There are so many strange emotions that I've been experiencing that it's nice to know that it's not unheard of to feel these things.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
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BluWave Offline OP
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Hi everyone!

Thank you for your replies! Today is so busy for me, but I will be back later and reply further.

Going to go out and have a nice dinner tonight with H. This is the first anniversary I have looked forward to in some years now. Feels good.

Adam, I am somewhat confused by your questions, and I am not sure if that is because you did not read my sitch, or if you are suggesting something that I am not understanding? Perhaps you can read more and then clarify? I like to be challenged by posters and you may be on to something here.

I will tell you guys something too, I take my own advice and 2*4s. I really do and more so lately. Writing to others helps me to check if I am doing the same in my own sitch. We really do teach others how to treat us. We also have to accept who and what is in front of us. We cannot control them, but we can decide to take it or leave it. My H is showing me someone that is consistently devoted to our M and family and a person that is willing to look at his mistakes and still learn from them. It has been motivating me to want to do more of that too. That is another small corner Ive turned.

I am also getting better at my 180s and GAL these days. Perhaps I am a bit selfish with my alone time. I work hard and long hours so I don't feel too bad about that :-) I'll be back.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Originally Posted by BluWave

Adam, I am somewhat confused by your questions, and I am not sure if that is because you did not read my sitch, or if you are suggesting something that I am not understanding? Perhaps you can read more and then clarify? I like to be challenged by posters and you may be on to something here.


Hi Blu,

I'm sure once I fully read your sitch instead of looking at bits and pieces that I'll find the answers in the context. If not, I'll come back and try to reword it bettter. From what I read, I thought you may have been in some sort of slump and didn't know why. I wonder about the struggles LBS face in piecing and tried to ask too much all at once.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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Hope you have a great fun and love filled anniversary Blu. You deserve all the happiness in the world
Hugs

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I have just briefly read this thread having followed you before. I am glad you kept posting and am.thrilled to notice that you are doing well. Your wording has changed subtely but significantly which indicates to me that you are in a much better state of mind. Keep up the good work and best wishes for the festive season.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Hello friends!

I just wanted to say Happy New Year to all of you! I hope that 2019 brings more happiness and clarity to all of us here.

We do not have to let others, and espcially our Hs/Ws (Xs, STBX, WAS, WS, etc) define who we are, nor dictate the choices that we make. We can all choose not to be a victim! We can choose to see, or not see, our reality in front of us. And we can choose to go forward and create a more wonderful and healthy life, with or without them. My wish for all of you here, and myself, is for better choices in 2019!

Cheers!
Blu


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Originally Posted by BluWave
Hi Steve,

How are things? I've been loosely following the boards in the last few weeks, but just haven't had the time to post to everyone. Between holidays, working OT, kids, travel, illness, etc, I just can't keep up! I am impressed how people, like yourself, can stay so committed to posting! Thank you for that.

So I have been thinking about you and your recent changes in perspective and desire to walkaway. I don't have a thread in the piecing forums so I thought I would put this here. We keep saying it's hard, but we don't say a lot more. I thought I would dig a bit deeper (as I advise everyone else to do) as to WHY it is hard, and harder in some ways, than DBing. For anyone reading here, I would suggest looking up Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs. I am sure that makes more sense than what I am going to attempt to explain!

My H has been back now for almost 4 years, and while we are not always "actively piecing," I think I can speak to it from the LBS perspective. In fact, IMHO, an important part of piecing is allowing yourself to second guess your commitment to the M and exploring those feelings. If you gloss over them or "force piecing" when you are not feeling it, I think you rug sweep something that needs to be addressed. If you do not address those issues, ultimately the LBS could become the WAS/WS. You might be getting a taste of that now. This has come up for me several times in the last 4 years. Now instead of acting on it, I dig a little deeper.

The shock of BD is devastating for all of us. The rug is essentially pulled out from under us and our entire life as we knew it changes. Many of us enter a stage of disillusion, anxiety, depression and desperation. That is how most Newcomers enter their sitch and thus the board. So there is no doubt that it is hard. It can feel unbearable. We read MWDs book and the links in Cadet's welcome thread. Some of us start posting and turn to the board, and some of us (myself included) just read in private for years.

For me, I did not create an acct, however I read for hours a day and found the advice/support through others that were in a similar position. I also read Sandi's rules daily and tried hard to follow them. I thought of them as my guide to just make it through the day. Because I was in a terrible crisis, I did not have the emotional bandwidth to do the greater task of self exploration. I was so wounded by his actions, that most of my focus was on wanting him back. I could not objectively think about what went wrong in the M and how I ended up here. Here lies the major difference between DBing and piecing. While DBing, I followed a set of rules, and felt as if I was in survival mode. Just getting dressed, getting through a work day, not falling apart, and taking care of my kids, and then sleeping through the night, was a challenge most days. I was at the bottom of the pyramid for many months.

The focus was on survival, following the rules, 180s, and GAL. I could not see clearly through my own fog, that him returning to the M would not fix my emotional damage. As Maslow explains, one cannot think about self actualization without basic safety! This pyramid on first glance is obvious, but a reminder we all need. How can you run a marathon without having had food, water or even oxygen?

Piecing is an entirely different animal. When my H pulled his head out of his rectum and left crazy XOW, of course there was an initial period of extreme relief. Perhaps it would be as if the doctor tells you that you have cancer and it is terminal, that you may have 6 months to live, only to later tell you that you are in complete remission and may live a full life. The emotional feelings of relief when the S returns to the M are indescribable. This for me lasted for a few weeks. As he continuously demonstrated his remorse and commitment to the M, I began to feel safe again. The safety, and detachment from the crisis period, allowed me to start seeing my sitch more clearly. I started to move up the pyramid. This is when a new kind of pain set in ...

As the months progressed, and I felt increasingly safe, my fog lifted and my perspective became more clear. As I moved up Maslow's pyramid, I was in a position to now see what had happened more broadly than just having become a victim. This devastation is less of a shock, but more of a dull ache with less and less periods of relief. The triggers were everywhere. And unlike DBing, there was no set of rules to follow. Reality stared me in the face and this was my new life, unlike the life I had created before BD. I chose a man to have a life and children with that is capable of the worst choices and here we are together again ....

The triggers were everywhere: in MC, during our conversations, when I saw a car that looked liked hers, when I saw HER, or just driving down the highway on an average day out of nowhere and the tears would flow, and waking up in a dark room with him laying there. While things may have looked normal, and yes, I got the guy, that dull ache and not knowing how to fix in was inescapable. Life went on, but the enjoyment was gone, and with a heaping side of resentment! This was not the man and life I had chosen.

If you are a LBS, and should be so "lucky" as us to have your S return, you would be a fool NOT to think about walking away. I said "think," and you really need to explore those thoughts. You owe it to your M and you owe it to yourself. The M was flawed before BD and it is even more flawed now, and that is the new reality. Because unlike a new R, where we don't really know if the person could cheat and abandon us, with our S, we know that they absolutely CAN and 100% DID. If that isn't a mind F, then I don't know what is. So if you decide to stay with someone after they return, there is work to be done and there is nothing fun or sexy about having to "work" on an R. The damage is 10 fold -- there is resentment now, there was a problem before, there is grieving the loss of what was and is now gone, there are triggers slapping you left and right and out of the blue, and then the "task" of creating something new. It can feel impossible at times.

I developed some very poor coping mechs in the last 4 years and I have also hurt my H a lot. I am not proud of it. I am changing, but I am still learning. I will say tho, that because so much time has passed, I don't have the same triggers, fears, or emotional responses to things that I did the first couple years. If I were to think about or see XOW, I would not feel much of anything, however I would more think something that includes pity for a what a mess she is. I think we are finally getting to place where we can discuss and address the bigger and more important aspects of our life and family, without as much emotional baggage. I still reserve my position that if I am going to leave my H, it will not be because of the mistakes he made, but it will be because we are no longer compatible.

And let's face it, we have all changed a lot during this process. We cannot really know if the new versions of ourselves will want to be together for another 10, 20, or 30 years. I am not disillusioned to what anyone is capable of anymore. But I also don't know what my perspective will be in the future. The silver lining for me is that this sitch has forced us both to really look at ourselves and our flaws and change. I think if we had maintained the old M without the BD, then we would have been our same selves. My hope is that the tools we are gaining in this mess will ultimately benefit us both personally and in our Rs in general. I hope what didn't kill me is making me stronger.

Hopefully you're all still awake .... Look up Maslow's pyramid. Good stuff.

Blu


Last edited by BluWave; 01/11/19 06:38 PM.

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Hi Blue, I plan to start a new thread topic in the next day or so. I've been asked to give some guidelines for Piecing the Marriage Back Together. Was also asked to define the Piecing stage. I hope you, and any other member who have/are experiencing the period we call Piecing, will offer your thoughts on the thread. smile


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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