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ballast #2830462 12/31/18 06:29 PM
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To speak to what Accuracy said.... my D happened when my daughter 6 months old. It was all she knew, however, she did cry during exchanges, but of course, that ended. but they don't always miss the other parent. My daughter is 11 now and transitions quite well, she's been away with her dad for a week, and she facetimes to see the dog, not me, lol. She brags to her friends about how she gets two Christmas. It's not an ideal situation, of course, but they don't suffer as much as you think as long as you keep a consistent warm loving parental environment for them. Think about it, there are parents who travel for work a lot. Kid's miss that parent. Some work a 12 hour day. Kids miss that parent.

My ex married his affair partner. I am now friendly with her, we all do things together and I made sure (took a while) to make sure my daughter's well being came first, and she sees all of us get along and knows she is our #1. And I think it is the best gift we could have given her in this mess. Because of that, she is a very well adjusted, bright, friendly, kind-hearted girl who does not live a life of pain.

Just be that rock for her, and she will be OK.

ballast #2830482 12/31/18 08:54 PM
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It will get better B. And you are moving forward. Keep moving man. Keep moving.

(((B)))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
ballast #2830496 12/31/18 09:57 PM
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Acc…as always up front, thank you! I made it through Xmas Eve/Xmas totally alone. This whole year has been one constant kicking and yet I’ve endured. Don’t know what it is about New Year though…sitting here pouring salt in a still very open wound…again alone, amazing how silent a big house can be without the love of a family residing within it. Right now at least the crying of my D over what is transpiring is killing me. My W’s decision for her “happiness” is causing …whatever, not worth describing, I know she doesn’t give a s**t, but you know what I mean. Right now we have no co-parenting, no communication to speak of, but hey she’s happy so there’s that.

I am a whole man when with D, happy and confident almost as if this disaster of my w’s creation hasn’t occurred, but come exchanges…those kill me. Give me the toughest man who has to give up his children against his will and I’ll bring him to his knees. I don’t have the words to express how reprehensible, selfish and simply cruel I find my W’s decisions for her life. That's a vent btw...as I know it's her life, her choices, be d**ned with what I think of them. I have heard that time heals all wounds, I just really don’t know this time around. I think this 2nd divorce and the loss of time with my D is really going to do me in.

Ginger…thank you for your words of support. I know from friends and family that as kids get more into their early teens, ol’ mom and dad become less important than in the sweet early years and for sure I can see my D doing the same bragging to her friends about 2 Christmas. :-). It’s just h**l right now. And yes when I get to complaining about the unfair’edness of my sitch, I recall the parents/children at St Jude’s or military deployed…I am very thankful and blessed for what I do have. It’s just…I so completely never thought I would EVER be in such a position in life…and I’m fighting it…stupidly, but fighting it nonetheless. This is my 2nd divorce to be. First W married affair partner and is already divorced from him. Given my amazingly crappy track record, I imagine current W #2, soon to be ex #2 will do the same and marry some unknown affair partner. I mean why not, let’s pile whatever additional misery we can on ol’ B. I marvel at your ability to do things with your ex and her. I see no way presently for me to be able to do that. I feel I am D’s rock for sure, but dear lord am I but sooooo amazingly hollow inside.

Neffer…I love you for the encouragement you provide so many people here, but I struggle with the devastation brought on by my WW. And it is a fact she will have betrayed our vows, me, destroyed our family and yet I am to believe it will get better, she somehow gets a free pass from the Almighty for her selfishness and in her wake of destruction I’m left with PMA, keep moving forward, keep your chin up? Where is her judgement? What price/responsibility does she pay for ANY of this? Is she free to indulge her selfishness while the rest of us suffer terrible pain? I pray for you in your sitch Neffer…the absolute pain of loving someone so much and having them leave you perhaps for someone else…the contrast in how much you love/miss them vs how much you hate them for the pain they have inflicted…PMA just ain’t enough sometimes my friend.

Last edited by ballast; 12/31/18 10:00 PM.

Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2830608 01/01/19 11:30 PM
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You might enjoy reading through Squiggy's success story. It's not quite as long as some of the other success stories.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=56991&Number=2526632#Post2526632

Link to his first thread (I think he had about five.) After he and WW reconciled, he stuck around for a while, helping newcomers.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
ballast #2830657 01/02/19 01:21 PM
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Sandi...just wanted to say thank you for the link to Squiggy's threads. I'm working my way through them now. Just journaling on some things that resonate with me in my sitch from his:

the talk about the house, how it represents us and our family. W does not ever want to come to the house. that an inanimate object has such a powerful negative effect on her really surprises me. I mean i get it on one level as far as memories and all, but to completely avoid it...that part I don't.

and the talk of her leaving anything that was a joint memory, yep anything to do with our marriage, house or us being a family was left. if her life were a book of chapters she is doing all that she can to try and completely erase the chapters of her life that involved she and I. personally i'm happy within myself that no matter what i've experienced in my life, i've kept all the chapters intact.

and the talk of his son asking his mommy why she didn't want their family together...my D at times has talked about this almost rhetorically and then in the most mature voice imaginable simply looks at me and says "this was her decision". truly blows my mind how insightful and mature D at such a young age can be sometimes.

the OM aspect...if I ever find out one of these days that there is an OM, then I'll know we're done for good. As Squiggy wrote: "I'm comfortably numb right now. It seems odd to me that having the A confirmed by first my son and then by W brought me a bit of peace. I don't need to wonder or second guess myself now. It does hurt, absolutely, but I'm mainly filled with a sadness for her. I truly do have a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent wife, and it pains me to see her go against her character and have an A. It is her choice, so be it." Also he wrote "I want to clarify the hopelessness I felt earlier. I don't feel hopeless about my changes. I don't feel hopeless about the changes in the R with my S5. I only feel that way in regards to WAW, and it mostly stems from the high potential of at least an EA." Yep, that describes my hopeless. Another good quote for my sitch currently "it feels like you are so far apart and the distance is insurmountable."

Your post at the end of his 1st thread regarding sex life, that hit home. Post-baby, for us it became very infrequent. As a guy post baby given her body image and the stress, I simply did not know how/when to approach her. It was not like in the dating days where we'd go out, drink a bit and things would just happen. Lack of communication on both our parts created the distance as for sure i was always attracted to her. W could not be free when it did occur. She was self concious of how she looked so it was very structured to cover her insecurities. It was not that she gave herself completely to our D, but rather how motherhood, responsibilities and her post baby body image affected her. is that PPD type stuff? honestly I don't know. And me...I was highly cautious of coming off as the horny, needy hubby lest I be seen as disrespectful/selfish when she was going through so much change AND she had just gone through the most amazing thing for both of our lives. Thing is perhaps I was overly cautious such that she interpreted my distance on that topic as me not being attracted to her anymore. Again this was simply not the case and open/honest communication could have done so much to address the issue. I read someone say on here that no matter what their WW thought, they realized that they had always acted with the best of intentions towards them and had they known how to be better, they would have been. That describes my feelings very well.

In my sitch on the completely impossible off chance that she wanted to R someday this quote from his W struck me "W: I understand you probably don't like me very much but this is one of the reasons i don't feel like you and i could make things work between us because it seems like its your way or no way. you told me you would be ore open with communication which is something we didn't have much of, but you haven't been open. you've actually been more distant since i've moved." Now "I" don't "think" in our MR i was a my way or no way type, but for sure we have basically zero communication these days, I mean barely enough for even topics regarding our daughter. I could see her feeling this way. Thing is though she wanted to leave, she wanted the space, she wanted to be away from me. When (though highly infrequently) she has wanted to talk to me, I have listened, validated and remained calm. Her decision to leave I believe has put the ball in her court when it comes to communication. I am simply trying to respect her wishes and do the best I can to move forward with my life. I guess that would be my simple honest response if she ever said such a thing.

As I say still working my way through his posts. This site is just a wealth of information/help for all of us and I thank you again for the suggested thread.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2830700 01/02/19 05:03 PM
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B, much love and respect brother. Still praying for you a lot. Hang in there, it will get better.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
ballast #2830743 01/02/19 07:39 PM
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Thank you Steve, I definitely appreciate it! New Year's Eve I intentionally went to bed early. In all my years I've never look forward to the passing of any given year, but this time I was ready to get rid of 2018 asap! my close friend who knows my sitch was wishing me a happy new year...with 2019 being certain divorce and other life changes that go along with that, I just LOL'd and said thanks, maybe 2020 will be a year I can actually look forward to!

Squiggy's sitch was definitely an interesting read and he had lots of great support from many vets on here to get through it. what strikes me about his sitch compared to mine is that he had a TON more talking with his WW throughout, also from the beginning his WW even though she had an OM she was not after divorce whereas mine I have no idea of OM and W has only been full speed divorce since she left. it does show that IF both parties do reach a point of wanting to make a new MR, it can happen. course I also read about his struggles with piecing and for a long time I've been thinking how incredibly hard that must be. probably why I default to if OM then move on. forgive part I "think" I could/can do, forget likely never could/would.

like I've said there is so much good thought provoking and helpful information contained in so many of these sitches. appreciate you Sandi for tipping me off to this one. It does show that it is possible for folks to get their marriages back from the most difficult of circumstances.

-B

Last edited by ballast; 01/02/19 07:39 PM.

Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2832729 01/14/19 08:16 PM
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Hi all...just a vent/journal...feeling sad today. D went back to W yesterday. The contrast between a house where you hear "Daddy" a million times to none...the silence can be deafening and it just [censored] the life out of the place.

That's pretty much it. Oh and last night was looking at old pictures. I sure did pick a pretty one no doubt about it. People say to hold tight to those happy memories because as your wayward may constantly rewrite history on you, those serve as proof that the relationship was not always nor nearly as bad as they make it out to be. Beyond the whole "trying again", I honestly wonder if I'd be able to hit the jackpot in the looks department with another lady. I get that looks are not the only thing and Lord knows I'm learning that now, but...can lightning strike twice? I dunno.

My IC knows she has a fight on her hands with me about trying again. Perhaps strangely I'm not depressed about it nor coming at it from an emotional angle. Maybe I'm just trying to protect myself, but my mind has been working constantly, ingesting huge amounts of infidelity, failed relationships, men being clueless like a computer running through all of the possible play combinations to "checkmate" and prevent myself from giving any other lady another shot at my heart.

That said only reason for my sadness, I just miss my D. Always get this way when she's gone.

My best to you all.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
ballast #2832732 01/14/19 08:26 PM
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B, I have been in love with two women in my life. And was headed there with a third. First was my longtime, on again, off again girlfriend. The one that was headed there was a girl from Brazil who was only in the states for 6 months. We dated for 5 months, and if she had stayed, or I had move there I would have no doubt been in love with her, no question. The third is my W.

All 3 had one things in common, they are knockdown gorgeous. All are 9s, no doubt about it. All of them know about the other 2 and have commented about how pretty the other two are. (My W is Facebook friends with both of them!)

The on again, off again chose someone else over me eventually. The girl from Brazil didn't care enough about me to stay. And my issues with my now W are well documented here.

I've often told myself that if my W left me for an OM, what I would look for in another woman would be completely different. I've always thought I needed to be crazy about the woman I ended up with. That was false. What I should have been looking for was a woman that was crazy about me!

Here is my criteria moving forward if it were to ever end with my W:

- Must share my values
- Must be happy and enjoy life
- Must be head over heels crazy about me
- Must love sex!

Obviously I want someone I am attracted to, but does she have to be knockdown gorgeous? Another 9? NO!! Cute is all I will ever need again as long as they have those 4 qualities above.

Trust me......no one stays dropdead gorgeous as they age. All three of the women I mention in this thread are still attractive, but they aren't 9s any more. The important things are the things above.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
ballast #2832762 01/14/19 09:13 PM
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Steve...for my W's age she looks much younger. It is ridiculously narrow minded to view looks as supremely important as again here I am in this predicament no matter her looks, but I truly do wonder if I could be so lucky again. Thing is I would look for another woman with basically the same "fundamentals" as my current W. Your list of 4 is interesting to me. W and I had number one for sure although she was much more "passionate/opinionated" about her values. #2, she failed miserably at. I think due to #2, for #3 she couldn't be that way towards anyone. I don't think she has the happiness within her to feel that way about another. And #4...ya know it's just not that big of a deal to me. Like yes, love no...that would be ok.

I do agree with you though, cute with strong #1/2 and decently strong 3/4 and I'd be happy. And yeah, I am seeing that about not being 9's anymore, but then again I think as we age we learn there is way more to life than the physical. For sure there needs to be the attraction, but I would FAR prefer a happy with life, committed cute than some 9-10 angry at the world and entitled.

The thought of re-living life through the eyes of my 4yo D is WAY more appealing to me than ANY consideration of a new adult life with another lady. I would rather live again as a child with the happy fun things of life than deal with the drama of a modern relationship. Like with everything time will tell.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
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