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A Message from Michele
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Therapist Success Stories ?? #2829898
12/27/18 03:15 PM
12/27/18 03:15 PM
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 8
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Magicman Offline OP
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Magicman  Offline OP
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Posts: 8
In one of two books Michelle has written, that I just completed BTW ,she mentions watching a therapists reaction when you ask him or her the success rate that they have saving marriages versus couples getting divorced...She mentions how you should be able to read the therapist by their reaction to that question....I asked our therapist last night that very question to which he thought for a minute and responded to it and in an effort to not prejudice anyone on this forum I will not answer that till I get some opinions from you veterans as I am a COMPLETE NEWBIE here.. What should I be listening for,what body language should I have expected,etc,etc,?? ,,I think I know some of the answers to this BUT I would love to solicit my friends opinions on this forum before I reveal his answer which I definately will,,,,,Please share your expertise with me gang.....

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? [Re: Magicman] #2829900
12/27/18 03:28 PM
12/27/18 03:28 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,240
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,240
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? [Re: Magicman] #2829903
12/27/18 03:43 PM
12/27/18 03:43 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,240
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,240
NY
Unless both parties want to FIX the marriage,
NO therapist is going to be any good.

SO does your partner and do you want to FIX the marriage?

I think that is where you need to listen first.


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? [Re: Magicman] #2829904
12/27/18 03:43 PM
12/27/18 03:43 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,583
L
LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,583
M,

My MC said she had a 100% success rate when both parties were committed to saving the marriage. Not so good when one has a foot out the door.

Please give us your story.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? [Re: Magicman] #2829914
12/27/18 05:01 PM
12/27/18 05:01 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,498
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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ovrrnbw  Offline
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Missouruh
Yep, marriage counselors do great when both parties buy in.

Where they fail is in how they tell people to just go share their pain with the cheating spouse who no longer cares about them and just perpetuate the narrative of a needy, desperate, dramatic left behind spouse.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? [Re: Magicman] #2830059
12/28/18 05:52 PM
12/28/18 05:52 PM
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Accuray Offline
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My MC told me that the majority of people come to MC 2-4 years too late. Usually, one person is already done and is there to:

1) validate their decision to leave by exposing all the other person's issues
2) help the other person to accept their decision to leave with a neutral third party in the room
3) tick the box that they "tried therapy" to maintain appearances with friends and family

In this situation that one person is already done there is probably a zero percent success rate for any MC. In addition, I believe that they make the situation worse because they encourage the "standing spouse" to divulge all their thoughts and feelings which comes across as pursuing behavior.

When one person wants out and one person wants to keep things together, overt pursuit is the enemy.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? [Re: Cadet] #2832071
01/09/19 09:13 PM
01/09/19 09:13 PM
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 8
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Magicman Offline OP
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Magicman  Offline OP
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Posts: 8
Cadet,thank you for ALL your help it is amazing...I did read two of Michelles books Divorce Remedy as you suggested,and Sexless Marriage BOTH incredibly amazing books...Thank you for that.Magicman....I will check out your links as well....I will be communicating on this board...

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? [Re: Magicman] #2832075
01/09/19 09:24 PM
01/09/19 09:24 PM
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 8
M
Magicman Offline OP
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Magicman  Offline OP
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Posts: 8
Thank you everyone I will get back to ALL my helpful friends here I want to thank all of you for replying just give me a day or two to tell my story here to everyone...Magicman

Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? [Re: Magicman] #2832200
01/10/19 04:04 PM
01/10/19 04:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,851
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Posts: 7,851
Success is a relative term. For instance, if the course of counseling a therapist finds out that the husband is physically abusive. Is success keeping the couple together? NO! It would be getting that W out of a physically dangerous situation.

My wife and I had successful MC. But that is because as ovrrnbw and others stated, we both were in 100% committed to working on the marriage. She wasn't for the first couple of sessions, but then she got on board after that.

The key is finding the right therapist/counselor. If one isn't working, switch. Too many folks make this mistake.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Therapist Success Stories ?? [Re: Magicman] #2833989
01/23/19 04:14 PM
01/23/19 04:14 PM
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 8
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Magicman Offline OP
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Magicman  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 8
Can someone help me understand this ?...Last week after not having sex since late September my potential WAW comes up to me and says lets go make love after sleeping in seperate rooms for over 2 months already ?? It was amazing we both agreed afterward BUT she made it clear to me I am to remain in my seperate room to sleep with no expectation at all going forward to have it happen again so as to not give me any false hopes of reconcilliation ?? Man as a guy thats hard to understand ?? Help me out here..WTF just happened ??

Last edited by Magicman; 01/23/19 04:16 PM.
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