It's really interesting to hear what your husband had to say and to hear about who the OW might be. I'm glad that he's not as happy as one might imagine. It's also good to hear that there's a settlement reached that helps protect your daughters financially. This is all still hard and draining but it's so nice that you love your daughters so much and are dedicated to them. I agree that life can only get better after surviving this atomic bomb. There are not too too many women from your culture single and raising kids alone. You may just pave the way for other women to gather the strength to leave their abusive marriages. When they see you doing it they'll believe they can do it too. Most people in this world will never understand what you went through, or what a hero you are as you quietly went through a divorce with two little kids in a country far away from your family, or how you stood in the face of betrayal and survived. As I've mentioned in my post I found living and working in war zones easier than going through this. I guess you can do anything once you make it through this!
Sia - seems to me your Hs true self is now showing- Funny how we think the person who would take a bullet for us ( when we married) is now the one pulling the trigger. You are a strong confident woman and you deserve much better than this. I feel your pain and struggles - I see your depth in your insights and reflection. I know it will be tough but you can do this! Let the LOVE for your daughters be the fuel to see you find peace thru this journey. Hugs to you all (((SiaDD)))!!!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Davide, Nicole and LW thank you for the boost you guys. I wanted to give an update on my sitch and I think some 2x4s are needed at this point. WH and I have been in frequent touch the last few weeks due to the Ds birthday celebrations, settlement discussions etc. The air has cleared out so much, it may just be that I am feeling better or it may actually be that we are at least communicating better. Last week when he called during our discussion I did tell him that I am not dating anybody yet but will definitely move forward with my life post D. He just said he is not in that frame of mind, he fudging clearly is still deep in his A and his denial makes him say I am the one moving on. I had a birthday party for my Ds and he was present, it went amazingly well and everyone had so much fun. He was aloof but I invited him because my D will want both her parents by her side on her special day. I was happy, upbeat and most people who didnt know couldnt even tell we were going through a D. Couple of days ago when I was talking to D on the phone while she was with him she mentioned about OWs daughter, I wasnt interested in carrying on with the convo anymore so I gently wished a good night to D and cut the call. He texted me back saying it was just his friend's D and he doesnt want me misunderstanding anything there. This man is still in complete denial and will go to any lengths to prove there is no A. Yesterday we texted back and forth about the financial settlements, I was quick in my repsonses because I just want it all settled at this point. During the texting convo I said, all I want at this point is financial security for our Ds so we can both move on our own separate paths without any baggage. I wished him luck with the pursuit of his happiness and told him I am in my own way happy where I am today. There was no response from him to this. I did not mean to pursue with the above statements and I may be anti DB rules but I really did mean all that I said. He still seems to be severly depressed, he should be for the fool that he has been, but I do feel sorry for him. Not in an overwhelming loving way but like I would for any friend of mine. While I am far from fully healed I do feel good most days, its almost 10 months to BD and 5 months to physical S. May be it looks like pursuit to him or maybe it feels like I am trying to move forward. Either way I dont care as much as I used to, for the first time in one year I really have my power back and the dynamics between us is more on even keel. I may have softened in my own approach because once he decided to stay back for the kids he is really trying to be a good dad, part time albeit. He has switched the parental days for the kids quite a bit and most times if it works for me I agree. I still dont want a D but at this point I am more disappointed than sad if that makes sense.
Either way I dont care as much as I used to, for the first time in one year I really have my power back and the dynamics between us is more on even keel.
This is the key. You are taking charge of your own life and protecting your daughters. Keep your focus on that, not on where your H is mentally, or what a clusterf@ck he is making of his life. That's his problem at this point. You are strong and capable, and ready for something much better than what he can give you.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I wanted to give an update on my sitch and I think some 2x4s are needed at this point.
Actually I think you did fantastic! You're letting him pursue the D, you're not helping but you are not blocking it either. You told him you are not dating but are leaving the door open to it- perfect. You said you're happy to move on without him, just right. Even the joint birthday party was in my opinion a good idea, as long as you can do it without expectations then it is the healthiest thing to do for your D. Plus it's an opportunity to show him what he's missing.
I wished him luck with the pursuit of his happiness and told him I am in my own way happy where I am today. There was no response from him to this.
GOOD! You know why? Because he is taken aback that you are not pathetic, weepy, desperate and begging him to take you back. He's more than a little stunned to discover Plan B is a rug that's been pulled out from under him. WELL DONE.
I still dont want a D but at this point I am more disappointed than sad if that makes sense.
Neffer and Davide, thanks for the support. AS, thanks for the guidance. Some of those remarks from me I wasnt sure but it did make me feel good. Updates, I think I blew a few DB rules miserably in the last 2 weeks, you slip and fall so often even after months of this. Sorry for the long write up. WH and I were texting back and forth about financial settlements and when he said he's proven to be a great father I responded back saying I am just watching out for the kids because tomorrow his step kids or more of his own might take priority and it went downhill from there, I know, my fault, sigh. Later he started texting about how I am not being a good co-parent by sending him updates of kids and sharing more info during exchanges. So WH sends me pics, videos, and random info about kids. I have kept it to a bare minimum. I tell him what is absolutely necessary and nothing else. I basically told him our definition of co parents is different, I will not update him constantly of how they are when with me, at the same time I completely trust him with his parenting and wont interfere while he has them. I accept all his video calls because it is for the kids and call them when he has them. Other than that I communicate minimally. I dont give a status update when he picks them up nor do I ask for it if he asks them. I assume, they are fed, cleaned etc depending on time of day. I responded that I will be happy to share what he asks for, he basically said, I am not getting it and that I havent changed at all. In a few mins, he re-texted that he was sorry and that he should not have judged me and I just said thank you. This whole exchange put a damper on my day, any exchanges with him does, it is like I cannot go about my own business. I was hurt by his remark, I was then angry at myself for still letting him hurt me. I showed the whole exchange to my BFF, she has been my rock thru this, knows both of us well and I trust her fully. She felt that while he came off as being grounded, calm and assertive my messages were full of anger and spite. Although I respond once for his 7-8 msgs, and am polite in my words she could sense this. I needed her honest feedback, I have never asked anyone to look into my private msgs before and this was an eye opener. Although I believe I am handling myself well, it svcks to know I am conveying resentment. Massive DB fail without realizing it I guess. This is so hard to do with kids involved. Even after 10 months of this, I dont know how to take this like a champ and show only the best of me and let go. I am trying to heal myself but clearly any third person can sense what I leave unsaid. Another night last week, he asked for schedule change and when he came to pick kids up, D4 was reluctant and wanted to stay home with both her parents. He wanted to just leave the kids with me since he was worried they may cry for me later on. I had him wait for some time until we gently talked her into it and I sent them when she was in a better mood, she wasnt excited but was more open to it. When he asked me to keep the kids, I told him I had plans with a friend that I could not cancel and its almost a year and that I need to move on too. I dont know what made me say that but I really want him to keep his end of the deal with kid times. He has dropped off kids with no prior notice because they were unhappy and I have had to change plans last minute. It is hard as a mother, but isnt it the right approach to say he should stick to his times if he has asked for it? He has always said I am inflexible and stubborn so may be it is more of the same behavior and 180 fails, but I just want to let be and do what is good for my emotional well being. I am thinking I will do a summary text just before the exchanges from now on, more like what I get at day care, this way I do not have to talk to him when he is around and I convey the status of kids to him about food, bath, diapers etc. I like how Cadet compares detachment to the layers of an onion. Well, one more day to live and learn, my layer still seems very initial today. Other days I do so much better.
It doesn't sound like you messed up to me. There are always things we can do better, but isn't it normal to feel and convey resentment given what happened? You're still human! I think you can take what your friend said and use it to improve but also to be gentle with yourself knowing you've had to go through hell this past year. Regarding the schedule change, is your divorce still pending? I guess I don't know whether it'll be different after divorce when everything is written in paper or if it'll always be flexible as it is now.
Looks like you and I have not been here in a while. I hope you and your daughters are well. Looks like you are going thru a possible messy D. I wish you well on your journey. Know that my prayers are with you. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Hi DB family, I have been occasionally visiting the site reading a few posts. Just thought it was time to give another update. Nothing much happening really, D is filed and its just a matter of months now, most things sorted out between us although final signatures arent done yet. It is but a legal piece of paper now, I have been living this life for close to 7 months. WH is still full of lies and leading his parallel life, he was visiting OW this week and lost a day with kids due to flight delays, he has a million excuses of where he actually was, it is weird now I talk as if he is at OWs place and he still is in denial. It hurt as soon as I realized he has gone to see OW again but then the pain passed in a few hours. I gave back to him a few of the most valued emotional items of our journey together, some pieces of jewellery, wedding ring, poems he wrote for me all those years ago, they were all over the house and somehow I felt they were emotional chords holding me back so I just returned them to him and told him they were things that I do not need anymore. On a personal front, I have been slowly healing. I still have bad days but I recoup quicker now, also I realize the pain will not just disappear it will fade slowly at its own pace. I feel sorry for WH in my own way, if he is even half the man I knew him to be, his guilt will slowly eat him alive. If he ever comes back it will not be any time soon, he is still lost and lives in his parallel universe. I will never take him back the way he is, I have suffered so much because of this man I dont want him any more. I think I can truly now say ILYBNILWY to him, the occassional hurt is residue from the past, the new me absolutely doesnt desire him in anyway. Sour grapes or true healing, either way it works. My life is going well, I am great at my job, now way more thankful that I have it than I ever have been, I am a super mom to my Ds, I feel sad when he drops the ball especially when I see how they light up on seeing him. But while they are with me I make our home paradise on earth.In a very strange way, this journey of mine has awakened me at a deeper level, I am more present, full of gratitude to what I have, a better mother, a person with so much patience and mentally I must have aged about 50 years this past year. I may have gone a life time never knowing so many things. At BD it was all about me, why me, what is lacking in me, then it was about him, how could he do this, why is he so broken to break me and somehow for past few weeks its about me again but in a good way. What if all this happened because I would have never taken this journey myself otherwise, seen the things life is offering with a clearer lens, appreciate everything for its true value. I have so much in life still, WH is just a facet of my life that didnt work out. I had made him the center of my universe, without realizing all along that I was the actual center and he was just a part of it. It still wrenches my heart when I realize my kids dont have a proper family, but I have to accept that neither my actions nor my decisions caused this. It is on me to make them much stronger than I have been. I am neither ready nor healed enough to date, that may take a few years considering WH was my only partner in everything, but I cannot open myself to new hurt there and that is not my way of healing. I am looking into other career oriented goals for myself and am finding happiness in things I can actually control and are on me.