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LoneWlf Offline OP
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Thanks for the kind word davide,

I'm home today because I twisted my knee so now I can try and get caught up. I've been finding this Christmas season very hard cycling thru feelings of anger and anxiety. Work is very busy and hectic. I find my S my be feeling the tension that I am projecting. With things at work so busy I having limited time with him - I am also requesting that he do a little more to help around the house. He still tries to spend all his time on his cpu playing online games with his buddies.

The other day I came home from work to see him glued to his cpu while not attending to his chores and his dog. In an angered state I told him I was disappointed in his choice to just play games and to over look his duties. Our rule is do the things you need to get done first. After a heated discussion about his choices and how focusing on his computer with his buddies always gets him in trouble. He says -I need this time to escape this mess I'm in. My game and my buddies are the only place I escape find happiness now. I ask him can he not focus on his chores before getting on his computer? He says he forgets a lot. I asked him to put things in pace to remind him . His phone - the whiteboard by his computer - sticky notes. In tears he says I feel this is all I have now ( my computer - my buddies) , I'm always either always angry or anxious. I reaffirmed as long as we stay angry we will not heal ( I know I need to take my own advice). I also stated that we need to make the choice to be grateful and happy for what we have. We need to accept the situation we are in and make the best of it. I tell him I have seen his efforts not missing school and am very proud of him and his accomplishments. He also told me that he feels a lot of pain in the church and seeing all the families together. I did not know what to say other than validate. I asked him if he wanted to talk with the priest or IC. He said that never does any good - he still feels angry and broken. I may have to force him to go as I do not want anything bad to happen.

He did add that most of his friends are always happy and that the do not do half the chores that he does. My response was do not compare what your friends portray on the outside to what you feel on the inside. Your friends have a different situation than you. they may have larger families that can all pitch in and help around the house. With us it is just you and I and I need your contributions to make this work. Otherwise we may have to sell the house and find something more smaller - and at some point depending on what W wants we may have to sell. He quickly responded I like it here - I will get a part time job if we can keep it. Not sure if we can but i will reach out to a realtor and a mortgage broker if necessary.

Last week my son had a Christmas concert- he plays the sax. He requested his mom not go. He said his mom texted him but he did not respond. I went with my 2 sisters -it was a good night and my S did well. So good to see him interact among his peers. In the intermission I ran into an old childhood friend and his W. They were there to see there daughter a freshman ion the band also. I was the captain of my mens baseball team and this friend played on my team and his W would often come to the games to cheer like my W. Often times we would go to beaches or camping with the base ball gang. Any ways my friend W says I saw your W with your SIL ( my brothers W) at a restaurant last week. It kinda hit me but I just tried to ignore it and keep the convo flowing. After that - I kinda got pit in my stomach. I really need help on detachment.It kinda set me back .

S said yesterday that he wanted me to reach out to W so that he could talk with her and give her one last chance. I said I feel it was a good idea but that he would have o reach out to her himself. I also said it would be good if we could all find forgiveness in our hearts that would help with the healing. I mentioned that it would be good to talk with her regularly and he had my blessing. No matter what she will always be your mother- she may do things you don't like or agree with but she will always be your mother. I said if he wanted me to drive him over there or meet here that I was here to support him and would be here to talk.

I feel sad to not have my family intact during the holidays. It may be depression but I have started to put weight back on 8lbs. I'm not sleeping well and have found out that I get recurring headaches along the back neckline. I may be projecting anger and resentment to S. I need to find my happy place. I need to get back to finding balance. I pray that S and I find peace soon. I know it is a long process and I must do my best to facilitate healing. Sorry for the book just getting caught up.

My prayers are that as God gave us our savior to show us how to LOVE. May we all experience that Love and Peace this Christmas season. Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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LW, prayers for you and your S. I know this is tough. Last Christmas was the worst Christmas of my life. The holiday season has a way of accentuating unhappy feelings.

LW, one techique I've learned, as I was full of resentment and anger before BD, is to always stop in the driveway before coming in the house, saying a prayer. And then preparing myself to be upbeat no matter what I find. Most days my W has spent a lot of time either watching TV, or playing online games on her phone, or singing on the online app. Or a combination thereof. But I remain upbeat. I try to calmly remind my D that her chores aren't done. I've learned to not nag, but set the expectation: if you don't complete this by such-and-such time, I will take your phone for a day.

She protests. Complains. She says the same things your S says. "I forget." "My friends are all I have." "None of my friends have to do chores!" Etc. Set the boundary. Follow through on the consequences. I'd imagine the first time he loses his PC because his chores weren't done he'll start "remembering".


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I'll add to Steve's technique: pump yourself up, both arms in the air, yell a little, and smile and laugh. Do that for 2 minutes, it will change your emotional state positively.


H 34
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BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I'll add to Steve's technique: pump yourself up, both arms in the air, yell a little, and smile and laugh. Do that for 2 minutes, it will change your emotional state positively.


Pushups, situps, jumping jacks. All work too. Hard to be bitter and resentful when you just exercised a little!


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Hi LW, I never knew about affirmations before but they are a part of my daily life now. I tell myself sometimes silently at other times out aloud things like ‘every cell in my body is happy’ , ‘I am fully healed in bond and mind’ , ‘ I am love, I am happiness ‘, you get the gist. All my reading the last few months has shown me that the mind really cannot tell the difference between real happiness versus made up happiness. You send these signals frequently enough to ur brain, the neurons do trigger joy because the message is that you are actually happy. I was sceptic at first but I have experienced that it works quite well. Being a single mom of 2 kids under 4 needs a lot of patience believe me, affirmations have become my mantra
Hugs to you and your S, the next Christmas will be filled with all the joy in the world.

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Steve , Sia , Ovr . thanks for the positive words.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas,

Today is Christmas day the first Christmas spent without W. It has been emotionally draining. Before Christmas I saw that S was being sad and withdrawn so I planned to go skating with him on an outdoor skating path around a park. We had some fun but he got a blister because his feet were not use to the second hand skates I got him. After that we went out to brunch and just chilled out. During our conversation he mentions to me how he feels pain going to church because he sees all the families there together especially at Christmas. I validate and agree and encourage him to to do as my friend the priest says, " take all that pressure and and pain and place them at the foot of the cross". and Ask for God to give you strength to remove negativity and anger from our hearts so that it can be once again occupied by Love.

Seeing that he was feeling down - I asked him to take a minute when he got home to think of ALL the things that he was thankful for! I had to work half day I went and picked some drinks and a veggie platter for dinner at my sisters house with all my 6 siblings and most of my nephews and nieces.

S and headed to church for mass. I was given some compliments on how well I looked and was given a lot of well wishes for the season. S and i both served at the mass. I hear a lot of beautiful about S. How he has grown into such a young gentleman in front of their eyes as he has attended church all his life. At the end of mass S will most of the time assist the elderly with their walkers in and out of our small elevator at church. As church concluded an older lady who knows my sitch and has given Zach Christmas presents in the past- approached me and wish me well . With tears in her eyes she said " Please make this the best Christmas for S and let him smile again ". I almost lost it right there. Pulling myself together - I give out hugs and greeting to my church family and head off to get my dog and food to go to my sisters for dinner.


We all sat down said our prayers and while we were eating my sister puts on an old video of Christmas over 20 years ago where I relived Christmas with my Mom / Dad and Grandma and family . As always, there was a lot of joking and joke gifts at the time the whole room was laughing hysterically - I had tears in my eyes and looked over to S and he was laughing hard also. So good to see a belly laugh from him. Had a great meal and then went to the living room where my brother played the guitar and we all sang carols.

Presents got started early this year- all the kids were allowed to open one present first. My brother got the kids all light up ugly Christmas sweaters- Pretty funny! We got them to pose around the in front of the tree( Zoolander pose) and on the spiral staircase Brady bunch style. We had desserts and stayed for a while .

When we got home S asked if he could open his presents - I said you have to wait for Santa to come while you are sleeping LOL. He said I we have no more cookies to leave out for him LOL. So I agreed - I gave him the first present. It was an ornament- Of a Dad polar bear ad 2 cubs. I nicely wrote "Dad" "s name " and my dogs name on each of the bears. On the other side I wrote 2018 together with Love . S said he liked and and hung it on the middle of the tree. He proceeded to open the rest of his gifts along with the stuffed toy and the deer antler for my dog. we played wioth the dog for a bit and then I headed up to change.

I looked on his desk to see his gratitude list. It was about a page long- I noticed his mom was not on the list. when i speak to him about this list I will encourage him to put it on. It is Christmas day now. S is still asleep and my dog is resting next to me. I am thankful for the brief moments that I was able to experience with S where I was able to witness those brief moments of Love and laughter. I am still afraid that anger and hurt are overly present in his heart. I pray that this pain soon ends for him.

Not sure what lies ahead. But my wish for all that are here is for health, happiness , prosperity and peace. May you all find what truly makes your heart dance! Blessings!!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Hi LoneWolf,

Your Christmas with your son sounds really nice. I hope God hears your prayers and answers them. Uncertainty isn't a comfortable feeling but there's always hope that everything will make sense at a later time.

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Nic thanks for stopping by- just read up on your sitch I'm so sorry you have to go thru with H going to file- know I am with you in prayer. hugs to you and your D

Hello DB family today is New years eve and I have been putting a lot of thought on how to make it great. For journaling purposes I put this together for later reference:

2019 New Years Resolution- Rediscovering Happiness

Simply to be POSITIVE – Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, Spiritually.

Physically
To do something active that promotes healthy living -My daily gift to me. Eat healthier and promote a healthy lifestyle. To lose 20 lbs more thru diet and exercise and proper sleep.
If I can’t go to the gym- I must do a home workout – Elliptical, push up power bands or weights, and planks at home.
To promote healthy sleep habits
Play more and interact with S – outdoor & indoor activities

Emotionally
Keep a positive mental attitude. Being more Conscientious, Charismatic and Confident. Learning more about my emotions and properly acknowledging them then having the right methods in place to compartmentalize and displace anger and frustration.
Continue with my Gratitude Journal- to be thankful daily for ALL that is good in my life.
To be more of a level thinker- always remain cool, calm collected and confident. Never react with just emotions

Spiritually
To stay close to God – attending church regularly
By praying daily and often and keeping a strong dialogue with God
To be slow to anger and quick to extend blessing and grace
To be readily forgiving of myself and others.

Intellectually
Learn something new everyday- read daily
Learn a new skill – Draw/ Play guitar/ Harmonica/ Dance Salsa & Batchata

To stop procrastinating.
Start a new budget and save more money
Volunteer- Certify Pooch as a service dog – share your gifts -pay it forward
Clean up regularly- keep the house tidy – organize and do things in an orderly fashion
ALWAYS WORK TOWARDS BECOMING BETTER-ALWAYS BE THE BEST VERSION OF ME AT ALL TIMES!!!!!

Happy New Year Everyone!Wishing you a new year rich with the blessings of love, joy, warmth, peace and laughter!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Hang in there mate. I'm working also on the PIES. Hope you're ok. Happy New Year.

Goodbye 2018.


BH: 36 WW:33
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Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
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Manta thanks for the good wishes- all the best to you too!

Hey DB family,

It's been a while since I posted. It's been pretty much the same. Work is super busy. S has had his moments. Some good some bad. We seem to be finding better ways to resolve those issues. At one point S missed a couple days of school. Not bad because this year that would have been his 3-4 day missed . Last year me missed over 30 days. The days that he missed he seemed really off so I took him to speak with my friend the priest along with seeing our family doctor. Both said it was him being a teenager just give him time to get out of it and be patient.

My S still refuses to see his mom. I brought it up a couple times only to have him refuse firmly. I still go to the gym daily- I was off for 2 weeks at one point because I twisted my knee on some ice. I had put back 10 lbs but will hope to work on getting it off now that I am 90%.

I did see W as she came by to clean up the rest of her things from the garage. It was very cordial. I had some music playing in the background as to keep things up beat. There was no friction just some playful banter here and there. Not really any chance to validate because the conversation was very casual.

At one point my neighbor also my riding partner asks if i want to sign up for a ride in April? I respond -it depends on what day because I have a conference in Vegas some time in April. My W says- sounds nice who do you want to be your plus one ? me or the neighbor? Thinking it was just a temp check- I did not answer and quickly changed the subject.

Near the end- after packing her things in her car. She said she wanted to move things forward. Without hesitation I said I can contact a realtor to appraise our home. After which she said she wanted to get a mediator involved. I said I'm ok with that also. She wanted to get things moving so she asked me when she should make the appointment. My response was - I can sense you want to get this done. Since it is your choice I suggest that you work on a proposal and then get to me so that I can review it and make a counter proposal if necessary. I feel that is is the best way to move forward by having everything agreed to before the mediators to avoid any extra costs. She said OK.

After she asked to go see S just to say hi. I said sure I'll let you in - he's probably in his room. I stayed outside to clean up some more. I was about 10 minutes when I headed in -she was on her way out. She was at the door and thanked me for making time and for my help. I simply said your welcome - then I said I still have to get some things done and had to go.

At this point I did see brief glimpses of my old W but she seems resolute on her wanting to move on. I must now leave things in God's hands. For now I need to continue my journey of GAL and PMA. I wish you all well on your journeys as well. Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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