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Hi Blu,

I feel so funny trying to give you advice but here I go anyways. If you a "piecing" and "R'ing", then that marriage - that relationship - is the most important one. You have to treat it as such. You have to create those feelings. We always talk about how actions can control feelings as much as feelings control actions!

It's always easy to generate those feelings (or at least for me it was) when you start from scratch. But you made the choice to stay and fix this. So why not put your heart into it? Why hold back anymore? You're focused on the past instead of making the best future!

You say you don't want to make it happen. But you want it to be great and you miss the old feelings. Seems contradictory. Good luck!


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Wow. Thank you, guys. That was so helpful to read. I don't think you have to be piecing to give good advice! You are all people that have had heart aches, struggles, and that are motivated to create positive change in a M. This info is in many ways more valuable than what I hear from friends. They just want to protect me, I know that. You all help me look at my sitch from different angles. I am going to reread the responses a couple more times and really think on it. Thank you :-)))

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Blu,

Well, well, well......I think you and I are surfing the same wave. Man am I becoming ambivalent. I just want to run out the front door or some days and never look back. My W wants this to be normal. I can't see no got dam normal. I guess that's how I feel when she says some of the things she say. And I know she is right, but I still have some anger in me on some days. And she can see it in me. In those moments I dont care what the hell she does. I love my wife and love is a choice and so is forgiveness and for some reason choosing to love is easier than choosing to forget. I'm guarded as well. Even, now that my W is more transparent than she has ever been.

Some days I feel like a plum fool and other days I feel just fine. I'm doing so much better in other aspects of life thou. Better than before BD. I would of gave almost anything to be in this position last year. Halloween marks our 1 year mark on deciding to piece. Time sure in a hell a$$ flies. Life is short, and I don't want to spend anymore days feeling like this. I have read and listen to all kind of podcast and videos and I know this is part of the process.

My wife and I have gotten a lot closer and I'm the one pulling a way most days. She just gives me space a pouts. You are not alone BLU. You my girl BLUE. "All these tears".

Onward and forward


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Hi Blu, trying to catch up on your journey, piecing is hard, stick with it'll work how it's supposed to!


Me(W): 29 EXW: 30
T: 6 M: 2
SD: 10
BD: 04/2016
PS: 04/2016
W officially "seeing" someone 09/2016
W filed 03/2017
Officially Divorced 11/2017
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HI Blu,

After reading your posts you indirectly touched upon something that I am hesitant to mention but is a reality.

- Piecing involves work from both and on different levels, much like 2 teams building a bridge from either side and meeting in the middle

- Healing, emotional healing much like the physical one needs time. It is not something that can be rushed and there is no specific time limit.

- There is no guarantee at the end of the day no matter how much work is put in that it will work.

One point I have always told newcomers is to work on themselves. When they first arrive they are desperate and will hang to anything so that things go back to how they were. To them they "need" their spouses.

After working on themselves the "need" should turn into a "want" and it is at this stage that they look at their spouses and see them in a very different light. They have grown, changed, matured but not their spouses. They see the cracks and flaws and need to fall in love with someone who is not who they thought they were.

In a sense the roles are reversed.

I was in piecing but unfortunately was let down again. The only positive thing I can say is that I am a better person and face problems both in and outside my M in a totally different way. I hope that I have changed enough to start a new relationship without the faults I had before.

Unfortunately it took me to end up here to hopefully become a better man, father and husband.

Peace

Max


M: 50
S: 25

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Blu, hope you are doing well and had a wonderful thanksgiving with your family!

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Hello all,

Thanks for the posts. I am doing well. Working a lot this time of year. Finally getting a small break from traveling for kids sports. Things with H are okay. Not much new to report. My love/hate R with the holidays is rearing it's head. I dread the shopping and frivolous spending!

I wish I had more to share. It's quite anticlimactic really. It's somewhat strange to view my R with H with the background of having read here for so many years. I wonder if I had not, would my M have survived at all? I don't only attribute it to the DB techniques that I have learned and the self growth, but reading here gives me a sense of normalcy overall. We all have our issues, no M is perfect, and I am not the only crazy person that wants to be M to a (former) adulterous mess! There is still some shame in that, for me. Sigh. And yes, I am calling you guys "messes" too. I am almost done reading ovrrnbw's threads and I badly want to shake some sense into him!

Something that Maika wrote last month left me thinking. You are truly a wise one, Maika. You have forced me to unpack a little bit more.

Originally Posted by Maika

I am also wondering if you're somehow struggling with letting go of the past - life with H pre-affair and then BD and the aftermath. I do have experience with that struggle. The issue there is not the recognition that there is explicit baggage that needs to be dropped, but dealing with the fear that once you drop it, it's never coming back on your shoulders and you have to walk the path forward. Even though intellectually you know it's going to fine, part of you is wrapped up in that baggage as being part of your identity and story. Letting go means you have to change your story, which is scary because that story is a source of comfort and retreat. It's tackling that fear and seeing yourself differently where the challenge is. I am just curious to know how you think of yourself? Are you self-victimizing yourself with the story of what happened and that it will always continue to define you? For me, making that marked difference between being victimized in the past, and not a continuous victim helped.

The other thing about what you feel 'missing' in your M, are you waiting for your H to figure out what that void might be and fill it? Even though your R will never be like it was in the past, can you come to a place of acceptance on that? I don't mean resignation to that fact, but accepting that going through what you have gone through cannot possibly salvage the R in an intact way. The other piece on this is - what do you want your M to look like? Don't compare it to the past, but look towards the future. If you're not going to D and walk away, what does happiness and fulfillment in your M look like? And can you take ownership of that and make it happen, with his partnership?


Reading this first part, made me think of my mom. I am (like many of us) afraid of turning into my parents. My mom has spent a lot of her life and in her Rs, being a victim to others. She is a victim in several senses of it. I remember being kid, and even at a young age, feeling guilty. I would feel as though I let her down, hurt her, or did something wrong, when I didn't. I know that I didn't now of course, because I have three kids and realize that those were HER issues and not mine. That must have done a number on me and my development. How could it not have? My parents' D when I was 5 and I was lost in their shuffle.

I think you are right in that his A and our separation has become the defining moment in this M. There is some fear of letting that go, even tho it doesn't feel like a source of comfort. Maybe my fear lies in forgiving and moving forward because that translates into acceptance. I have always had a problem accepting things that don't feel fair or justified and so this was the ultimate whammy. Or am I like my mother and seek comfort and power (a false sense) in being a victim? Gosh, I hope not. Either way, it doesn't logically make sense to remain a victim or hold onto the past. I know that.

I don't know if I am waiting for my H to fill a void. What I do know is that his NGS is still a part of who he is, and while I accepted it about him before, there are things that are harder to accept now. The poor boundaries with women has been handled, so I am not referring to that. I am trying to recognize that the things about him that I don't like may not actually be deal breakers, but yes, they do bother me more now. I also think there are some very good and kind qualities in nice guys, that we tend to overlook here.

What you said is the same advice a friend has given me. If I am deciding to be in the M (I am) than I need to make the best of it.That's still hard to do. I am not quite sure how it is supposed to look moving forward. It's very strange to start over with someone I have so much history with ...

Blu

Last edited by BluWave; 11/28/18 11:27 PM.

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Tomorrow is our 14 year wedding anniversary. Wowza! I met my H almost 18 years ago. Still strange to think we have been in each others lives for so long. It's been a crazy ride, but I recognize how fortunate and blessed I have been overall. He is a nice guy, but also a reforming one. And I feel like I am turning another good corner myself. I do not think it is because of our dynamic changing, but more so that I am changing my perspective quite a bit. That is all we can control, right? I emphasize the importance of that to posters and I do try and take my own advice. Even tho my M is surviving, I still work on myself and DB to an extent. I see it as a way of life -- letting go of expectations, seeing what is in front of you verses what you want to see, and giving up control of people and situations. Sounds easy, but it is not. It does get easier with practice. And then GAL starts to get more fun and not feel so contrived.

I know the holidays can be hard for many of you here. I remember during my sitch, getting my girls ready to go with their papa on Christmas Eve and then having to face it without my family and inlaws. I dressed up the girls, packed their bags, and put on my brave face. As soon as he took the girls, I fell to the floor and just sobbed. Then I picked myself up, turned on some holiday music and wrapped presents. That night I went to dinner with my BFF and her family and had a nice evening. The girls were returned in the morning and we had our Christmas morning without him. I survived! And it was actually okay. I am giving myself a pat on the back now, because I sure didn't back then. Plus, I got to hold my head up high and he looked (and felt) like the total chithead he was.

That doesn't feel like yesterday anymore. It feels like 4 years ago, because it was. Onward and upward. It takes two people to own their mistakes, to be willing to change, and to make it work. I am lucky to have that. But as MWD says, "It takes one to tango." You can still enjoy your holidays without your M intact, even if only some of it. I promise. I hope and wish for you all that you give yourself permission to do that!

Love,
Blu

Last edited by BluWave; 12/17/18 09:45 PM.

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Quote
I am almost done reading ovrrnbw's threads and I badly want to shake some sense into him!
Thank you very much for reading that whole thing. I couldn't have imagined my marriage would have this happening. I don't know where I'd be without this forum. I picked my screenname "Overtherainbow", and the site shortened it. I was pretty low and the only way out of it, that I saw, was R with my W. It seemed impossible, and I was spinning out of control, so I picked the name because it seemed impossible to fix.

I'm glad you reposted Maika's quote. It's so true.

Quote
Either way, it doesn't logically make sense to remain a victim or hold onto the past. I know that.


I'm hurt, you've been hurt, and we just want something we know, and moving forward is definitely scary. We'd rather deal with the devil we know than face uncertainty.

I don't have much long winded wisdom to offer you, and I so wish that I did.

Happy Anniversary, I hope you can enjoy it.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Hi Blu,

For one, Happy 14 Anniversary! I hope you found some renewed energy from this and not the other way around. These markers/milestones are usually times of reflection and looking towards the future. I wish you much happiness.

You have your anniversary and the holidays, the vacation you spoke of and a lot is thrown at you. It is exhausting. What happened to time away from the spouse so that you can re-center yourself? Has that been done? If so, does it help? Apologies for not having read your sitch yet, have read most of this thread.

When you talked of your BFF and her relationship, there was a spark in your writing. I felt it(maybe it's just me because I am attaching my W to it). I felt as if my WW was living that life and she chose someone else over me because I could no longer be the person she had passion for. When you talked of your H, it wasn't on the same level. I sense the appreciation but something still missing. What do you need and is that need being expressed or met? I think I am saying or asking what Maika has asked in a slightly different light. You brought up he may or may not read this one day, what does that do to this dialogue now? You won't refrain from anything will you? I snipped out some stuff about the NGS, well a lot of it.

As articulate, strong, and self-aware as you are, is it a different type of challenge now from "saving" to "making better" or is it all the same? I see you in a dominant role. From NMMNG, whole attracts whole, and broken attracts broken. I read somewhere else that alphas attract alphas of the opposite sex. Do you put any stock in this or feel that way and how is it affecting R? Are you both connected on the same level yet? Can you confide in him and is it better or not the same? I hope this isn't too personal and if the questions are answered in previous threads, please let me know. I'm curious about growth and what happens when there is change and how that dynamic between two people play out.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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