I have accepted it must be a karmic relationship, I am paying back for something I must have really wronged him for previously. I am a techie by profession but I have leaned so much into the metaphysical realm for support to make any sense of my life at this phase.
sia, this makes me think you blame yourself. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. It isn't about pay back etc. It is about the fact that people have freewill and can choose behaviors that harm others. Think about it, if everything bad was the result of someone doing something bad themselves, where did it start? There could never have been the first bad thing because everyone would have been innocent and undeserving of the bad pay back!
No this is about your H making horrible life choices.....and because we live in an unfair world you and your Ds (as well as many other people on the periphery of your lives) have to suffer because of if. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS!!
And therefore, he doesn't deserve you EVER taking him back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
In a way you are right Steve, there are times when I feel guilty about the breakdown of the family for my kids. My guilt is not as a W, it is as a mother that I couldnt provide my children a well rounded family. But I also know this is not on me mainly on him, while I can look at my mistakes and work on them the route he chose was extreme. I still need to learn more of self forgiveness. Thank you for your kind words.
I think Steve is onto something here. It does appear that you blame yourself a bit. While both partners are responsible for the highs and lows in a M, I don't think that makes us responsible or deserving of how we are treated by them when they mistreat us.
I do believe in karma, but I also know that terrible things happen to good people. What I mean is that I don't think they are mutually exclusive. I work in an ICU and am surrounded by suffering and death. I see it happen to people that abuse and neglect their bodies for years and I also see it as much in those that take care of themselves. It pains me when I see a young and healthy mother (especially a kind, loving and devoted person) wither away to cancer. Then she leaves behind these innocent babies that will go through life without their mom. No child deserves that, yet it happens. None of us can explain why, but it does.
I wonder if believing in the idea of karma is as significant as the karma itself. I often choose to do good things and joke to myself that I am banking good karma. Just as a superficial example, I am all about the good carpool karma. It your kid needs a ride to practice, you can text me, and I'll take them. I will go out of my way to help friends and parents on any day that I can. I do this in hopes that when I need help getting my kids there, it will be returned. Mostly, I do it because it feels good to help others. It gives me a little boost. So I know I have to keep doing good, not just to get something in return, but because I have faith it grows me as a person. Those little boosts do add up!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I also believe in karma, but I strongly believe that you cannot control when and how it will present itself to the other person. It maybe on their death bed and they realize that their whole life was a sham, or it may be 5 years from now when their life didn't turn out like they thought it would. So, rest assured karma will come when it's supposed to come. You keep being you and stay true to your values.
Thanks Blu and Maika, I believe in good karma too, all I can do is not hurt someone else on purpose, help when possible and hope when I or my kids need something I will find support. Which to be honest this past year i have found lots of and I am grateful for it. WH had asked me if he can take our D to a vacation after her 4th birthday, knowing she would love it I had said yes. This morning she tells me, OW and her D are going along too. I hear this from my D, despite all that I have been thru this was like driving a knife through my heart. While I am dealing with the stress of the upcoming custody hearing, he is planning a vacation with OW and exposing my child to it. I know it is of no use if I ask him, he is either going to call me paranoid or something worse. Legally there is nothing I can do either. How do I tolerate this as a mother? He doesnt want the baby to go along, probably wont be a fun vacation with child care. As a W I can accept this although it hurts like heck, but as a mother I am struggling. This man is the most miserable, selfish @$$hole that cannot think of our child's best interest even. How can someone so true, genuine and loving turn into this? I know this will eventually be the reality after D, but to do this with his AP while officially still being married and bringing our little D into all this is just beyond my endurance.
My heart goes out to you, I know every word you write, and can feel your pain. Especially with younger children's and the holidays around the corner grrrrr...
Just know your doing your best at a time like this. Is ok to have a bad day or sad day. I remember yesterday I cried at therapy office and said I am so angry at myself after 1yr and 8 months I still cry Abd care. Therapist replies is ok to feel this way M. And you will feel this way for a long time.
So that being said is ok to feel Sad and miss your old H.
Also I know what you mean about H planning trips. W and I was in mediation which been tough and hard. W could only think about getting passport for kids for W and OW Can take a trip to Disney Cruise. I was like WTF I was in all. Is like our Spouses don't see nothing wrong. Is freaking Bat sh&t crazy but trust me your not crazy.
They have a way to cope with crap.
Unfortunately our kids don't become there priority the Other person becomes there every thing. And this is why I am my kids everything they see mommy is their for them
So I ask you to keep being there forget about H. You keep fighting for those Girls. I will say this yours just started I been in court now a year. Kids have a Guadian ad litem Is a mess. But keep log of everything times H don't pick up, or late or anything that will Help you in the future. Financially keep everything that shows if H doesn't help with Daughter's Because at the end the Guadian ad litem will ask all the proof. I just gave her 2 books of journal I been keeping when kids are sick in W care or not sleeping well. W driving with kids at 2am in the Morning. My kids are a little older so that also help me.
So please keep everything noted safe
And remember court don't care about he said she said. They hate pitty party Always stay strong and firm. Don't become a Victim in court they will notice it. Keep your point straight and forward. As I did I simply kept my story the same.
Trust me MLC Spouses will drown themselves Why.. because there' stories changes Constantly and the monstering comes out in court. Always stand strong.
Remember your the stable parent. Trust me they break. My W at first did good. But as time pass and more courts W slowly started breaking, stories changing Blaming the world and even me for everything. All I did was listen and never Showed my angry or sad side I would have my breakdowns after court.
So stay strong for your girls...
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Good to hear from you again! Going back to the karma discussion, my problem with it is that there often seems to be an element of quid pro quo. We do something good with the hope/expectation that it will be paid back to us in some way, some day. Isn't that what DB principles preach against? We don't do things for the reaction of others or with expectations of any kind. We act the way we do because it aligns with our values. If I am nice and pleasant to my W, it is simply because that is how I want to carry myself with everyone I meet.
I'm sorry to hear about your piece of sh#t WAH. I think it is probably good for you and your detachment to see how horrible his actions are, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with them emotionally. Just remember, you can't control him or what he does. Try to let it go. You are right not to confront him as nothing good will come from that. Focus on yourself and your time with the baby.
You have already shown incredible strength, Sia. This is another challenge, as unwanted as it may be, that you can rise up to.
Hugs.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
That's such a nightmare! As a mother I couldn't tolerate that. You already said yes before you knew and can't stop your husband from introducing your daughter to OW and OW's daughter, but could you tell your husband you changed your mind and you don't want her to go? Sure eventually it'll happen anyway and your husband will probably just fight back, but is it in your daughter's best interest to send her off on a trip where she sees your husband and his girlfriend together as a couple when your daughter still remembers you and your husband together as a couple? And to be paired with another girl who she doesn't know and they have to stay together in a hotel? It seems that'll be confusing for your daughter. Maybe there's nothing you can do and you have a great ability to manage your reactions, but I know personally I'd fight against such a trip.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's so unfair to you and your daughters. I know there is an endless supply of affair partners and OW's in the world, so if it's not one it's another, but you have to question any woman who's willing to break apart a family and steal a husband from a pregnant mother or mother of a newborn. Such a woman is evil. I'm sure your husband told her all kinds of lies about how you're a bad person and he's the victim, etc.. to gain the OW's sympathy but still, if she was a good person, she'd refrain from engaging in an affair. Now that she's stolen your husband she's suddenly going to be a mother figure to your daughter going on a fun trip? Don't we as parents have a right to know who is staying with our children in a hotel or traveling with them?
By the way last winter right after my husband wanted to get divorced he whisked off his girlfriend to Dubai for an ultra-luxury getaway staying next to the Burj Khalifa, going on a desert safari, and dining at the best restaurants. He never even called to say goodbye to our daughter before he left, we had no idea where he was going (he said he's taking his father to his home country), and he had stopped paying for our expenses a few weeks before that. I was sick, unemployed, had no money, and I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor of a shabby apartment totally broken by my husband leaving right when we built our dream house and he was off having the time of his life with a 26 year old he'd just met a few months before. I don't know how these things are possible. Just like your husband my husband used to be so sweet, gentle, and loving. I guess the minute they fall out of love with us, and in love with someone else, then they become that sweet gentle person to the new woman and all we see is a monster.
It's terrible when you get blamed for the marriage ending and your husband is already off enjoying his life with another woman, just like you've become trash and the other woman is a beautiful pearl. But these other women who enable these men's behavior and men who make these choices will face the consequences. I don't believe in Karma, but I believe eventually your husband's fantasy bubble will burst or he'll realize on his deathbed what he's done. And the other woman will eventually get cheated on by some other guy or will end up single and no guy will want her because she's not a high quality, good woman.
All I can do is sympathize. I'm working with a very senior person from the UK government who's had many life experiences. His wife is currently dying of cancer and he said he doesn't know what he'll do when she's gone. I was telling him how my husband left and I'm also trying to figure out what to do. I wish I could have captured his words, but he gave a long explanation as to how it's much worse when your spouse leaves you than when they die. Obviously we don't want either to happen, but betrayal and abandonment just have to be two of the worst human experiences that exist in the world.
Marina, thanks so much. I appreciate all the advice. I have read your threads and supported you, have nothing to add but please know I am with you. Davide and Nic, as always, you guys are the best and thank you for the support. Updates - I have hardly been able to visit the boards, will catch up and comment on your sitches soon. Our D settlement is almost final, the past few weeks there has been a lot of back and forth and with a complete communication breakdown between WH and I we had to rely on lawyers. For 2 people who just had a baby a year ago and were supposedly completely in sync this seems crazy but well that is where things are right now. WH is an energy drain to be honest, he [censored] out any positivity I try to bring in my life and for my own sanity I have kept communciation a minimum. Although the final settlement is yet to be signed, I am content where it has reached. The one and only thing I wanted is financial security for my 2 babies and I think I have achieved that through this. Basically both WH and I would start off with hardly any money to our names, but we are adults who should be able to take care of ourselves. I want my childrens future secured so I can rest in peace that they have an ability to get a great education no matter how things pan out in the future. WH called me last week and we talked for over an hour for the first time in a year now. It was mainly about the items for separation agreement but he did open up a tad bit. For the first time, he owned some of his mistakes and confided that he was still severely depressed. We didnt hit any romantic chord, but I think we spoke as co-parents of 2 beautiful children who deserved better. There was still a lot of blaming me for things that were obviously his to own, he is far from having any kind of remorse and doesnt admit that there is a OW. I owned my part of the demise where I thought it was appropriate but kept quiet when I did not agree to the blames he laid on me. I did not validate because I wanted to save the MR anymore, I only did what would be the right thing to do. He was crying at times I only choked up when I spoke of how it didnt matter what we had done to each other but we surely had failed our beautiful little children. He thinks the children are going to be absolutely fine, he agreed he was slacking while he was at home where as I have always pulled 100% of the weight as a mother and he feels he is a better father now. I responded that I am glad for the children. He is not in any therapy for his depression, he feels no therapist understands him, probably because he is still not able to own his part in it and is looking to shift blame. He feels severely judged by the people around us, some of it seems to be paranoia on his part. The same people I told him have been supporting me, either in offering it up verbally or giving me my space without asking questions. We are on such very different frequencies at this time. I told him that if the lows of life could be so low for both of us, the highs are going to be that much better for each of us individually and I cant wait to see what future unfolds but he seems to be in the its all doomed phase. He wanted me to move away from here to escape all the judgement and it was no longer to the place where OW lives. I firmly but politely told him, it is time I think of what is best for the girls and me and I am planning my life here in the future and I will not be moving anywhere any time soon. He voiced out that I had coped so much better with this than him. I did not find faults, point fingers or remind him of his mistakes or that this is all his decision, to be honest I do not find the need to do it anymore. I just want to be. Was I secretly hoping he will admit his mistake and want to come back, absolutely, but I have no urgency for it nor do I feel attracted to him the way he is right now.He truly seems still broken and lost.
I am DBing now, not to save my MR anymore, but honestly to move forward. Talking to him although made me sad to see where we had ended, I have no desire to beg him to come back or even take him back as he is now. He has no remorse and his baggage is so heavy that it is not my problem anymore. I realize it is going to take him a long time to own his mistakes, if he ever does. He still lives in his head convincing himself that his choice was the right one for the family. I may not be able to save my MR afterall, the D is right round the corner but I am really OK, disappointed at how it ended but I have learnt so much in the past year that I could have gone a life time without realizing any of it my entire life if not for BD. In my own strange way, I am grateful even for this year which has been the most painful year of my life. I am so much wiser for it. On a side note, I think I know who the OW is. It is a friend of his from school that he met up while I was pregnant last year. He probably was depressed already, I was a crazy irritable pregnant person who felt he wasnt pulling his weight and made him feel bad about it. Somewhere we both lost it, as I grew more irritable he drew himself closer to OW. She is also going thru a D, the 2 bozos moved out at the same time and probably are supporting each other through it all. It is so shallow of him though that all it took was 6 months to meet OW and BD me, after 2 children and 15 years together I know I deserve better. But none of that matters anymore, either he stays back here for the sake of kids post D or he runs to pursue his happiness with OW is up to him. I have my beautiful life to make and 2 wonderful children to raise. I do really believe that after all this $h!t, life can only get better and exciting from here on.
I am DBing now, not to save my MR anymore, but honestly to move forward. Talking to him although made me sad to see where we had ended, I have no desire to beg him to come back or even take him back as he is now. He has no remorse and his baggage is so heavy that it is not my problem anymore. I realize it is going to take him a long time to own his mistakes, if he ever does.
Sia, this is great! Your head is exactly where it should be right now and you are really seeing him for who he is. He clearly has his head so far up his rear that he can't see where is north. You, on the other hand, are self-aware even if you are a bit too critical of your mistakes. Once you get free of his orbit of negativity you will be able to more clearly see a brighter future for you and your girls.
((hugs))
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
