LBS dealing with WW (part 6)

[Joe2017]

Last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2775397&page=1

So in part 5 of my saga the last thing Nicole asked me:

I wanted to ask you about the timing of your ex-wife's apology. Do you think her relationship ended with her boyfriend (or whatever you would call him) and that's why she finally woke up and realized what she did? Also when you and she discussed potentially being friends did she take any follow-up action after that? Have you heard from her since then? Has she tried to communicate with your son? It'd be interesting to hear more.

The answer is that yes, the relationship with her OM ended. It happened back in July, when she sent me the first temp check post D. I ignored it. She sent me several more in August. All ignored. Then again in September. Ignored. October was skipped. More temp checks in November. Ignored those too.

I didn’t respond until December, when she finally wrote an apology. Yes, I ignored her temp checks for five months until she was able to structure them in a way that had substance. I don’t have time for games.

I’m not sure what you mean by follow-up action after that. Yes, I have heard from her since then. We have spoken several times. Here’s where you all can analyze this stuff...

We had a very long conversation where we discussed how bad it was at the end. It’s obvious that she’s done a lot of reflection, because she started to describe herself and her mindset when she was a raging WW. She told me she was unexplainably selfish and egotistical. She felt like she was better than me, and that she deserved more. She felt like she was on to top of the world, and that everything revolved around her. She left me for OM because it was new and exciting, even though he was an unattractive a$shole. She just felt like she was better than everyone else for no reason and could just get whatever she wanted any time.

She unknowingly described herself using all of the the traits of a wayward spouse.

She said she lost sight of what was important because all of a sudden she didn’t know who she was anymore. She thought she was some sort of super magnificent specimen, but she says that she really ended up being a piece of $ht person who threw away everything good about her life. And she did it to herself. She told me that she wanted me to know that it wasn’t me, and that I always gave her what she wanted and needed, even when she didn’t know what those things were. That I treated her like a goddess but she just didn’t care for some reason.

She gave me all of the details of what transpired with OM, and a fling she had after him... I mean, very openly admitting that she was doing some things that were out of character, but not in a way that was trying to hurt me (like before). She explained that she wanted to be completely open and honest about everything. And she answered every question I asked with no hesitation. The OM basically ruined her financially and was abusive. He brought her down to having nothing left.

She wants a chance to talk to my son to apologize and tell him the same kind of things. I told her that I will have to ask him and see if that’s even something he wants to do, and she understands how hard it is for him to deal with what she did. I do have permission to contact her son now, and we are going to meet up soon to catch up on things.

And that’s where we are now.

[AnotherStander]

Joe, is she asking you to give her another chance? I hear a lot of remorse and repenting on her part which is great, but I'm not clear on if she's trying to recon or just apologize. What are your feelings on possible recon?

[Joe2017]

Interesting that you said that AS. Since my last post, she has asked for a second chance. She told me she found out that she really loves me and wants to try to earn our trust back. She said she misses her family and she wants to do it right this time. She said she will do anything.

I told her that the even possibility of a second chance hinges entirely upon my son's acceptance and her son's acceptance of it. She agreed that they are the most important part of this, and asked me to talk to him.

I'm perfectly fine without her now, but I do remember how great we were as a couple before she went wayward. Well. We'll see. I'm open to it, but it will take quite a bit of effort in her part. It will also take effort on my side to not throw her mistakes back in her face, even though I want to.

But like I said. It depends on our kids. They are the ones who lost the most in our D. I'll keep you updated.

[ovrrnbw]

Holy cow, that's funny that she said that. We'll see how those actions look, and if they're consistent and if the attitude and words match what she's saying now.

I'm glad to hear that you are good no matter what. The longer our sitches go on, the easier it is to let go. Hell, just having her come back and saying she wants a chance, at least for me, makes me want it less. That's human nature for you.

[Maika]

Hey! I remember you Joe. Thanks for popping by with an update. I am so glad to hear you're doing well and the boys have stabilized. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders about it all now and I don't see you letting W walk back in your life easily if you chose the path of recon. Keep us posted about what you decide to do and how it all goes.

[Joe2017]

Yes, it would be difficult for her. Part of that is a test of her resolve. Part of that is just how hard rebuilding is.

This morning she told me that she sensed that I may not be ready to accept her back into my life. She said if I need more time then she understands and can wait.

[Jim1234]

Joe, I think everything you've related is great, and the fact that she's thinking about reconciliation is wonderful. Steve85 keeps saying that if you want your spouse back you have to let go, and this just backs up that assertion. Even if there is no reconciliation, I suspect it was really nice just to hear the apology. I hope you can both do your parts and rebuild a wonderful marriage.

My only other thought regards your statement that reconciliation depends upon your son's acceptance. I understand why you feel that way, and I think taking his feelings into consideration is important. I'm just not sure you should be letting your son have the final say in your marriage.

[AnotherStander]

Joe, congrats, not just on the possibility of recon but on well and truly moving on and finding yourself! I wish every new person would read your sitch beginning to end because so many of them talk about how their wives/ husbands tell them it's over and there is no hope, etc. etc. and they don't seem to believe us when we say that is only how they feel RIGHT NOW and it can and probably will change down the road. I mean your ex was saying all those same things and now look at her, fully repentant, humble and begging you to take her back. And look at the incredible strength you are showing, not just rolling the red carpet out for her and striking up the band as she moves back in, but treading carefully and establishing boundaries. Seriously, you are a model of how this should take place, well done!

[Joe2017]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I would not be where I am if it were not for the insane amount of 2x4's everyone applied to my head when I regressed during my journaling. Things were really rough but I got through it with the help of you all.

So things have been progressing. Yesterday my son agreed to talk to my ex in person. The ex explained that she knows how bad she messed up and how bad of a mother she was. She really left it all out on the table and apologized for tearing our family apart. It was very emotional for both of them. My son really dug in his heels and let her have it. He had a LOT to say. I was so proud of him for standing up for himself and giving her a piece of his mind. She accepted all responsibility, even though I know it was hard for her to hear the things he had to say. It was quite brutal.

After she left, my son was in a great mood. I think he really needed to get those things said.

My ex and I talked on the phone afterwards. We talked a lot about what it would mean for us to be together again. She was talking about the future and said she'd like to marry me again one day, if we ever get there. I told her to slow down because she is getting way ahead of herself. She told me that she is just excited at the opportunity to get a second chance and doesn't understand why I'm even considering it because I'm lowering my standards if I take her back.

Before we hung up, I said goodnight and my ex told me that she loves me. I told her thanks.

[TBSakaJ9]

Hey Joe......I just caught up. Good to hear from you again and congratulations. I guess?????

So what's your plan???? Would you take her back?