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A Message from Michele
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Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2826753
12/10/18 04:18 PM
12/10/18 04:18 PM
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ballast Offline OP
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Grace...yeah finding the motivation for Xmas if only for my D is tough. guess I'm like "if you are going to kill me/us, then do it NOW" so I can be done and dusted of you. thankfully I'm not at all inclined to contact her and as I say it's not at all me going "what is W feeling". just ready to get out of the tunnel no matter what its like on the other side...

thank you for your comments/support!

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2826957
12/11/18 12:14 PM
12/11/18 12:14 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 766
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ballast Offline OP
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you know i wonder truly what i have...i read of folks having waywards who cry, temp check, ask for pictures of kids, exchange pictures, try to keep the LBH as a plan B, TALK...me, absolutely none of that has happened. sorry all i know it really matters not in the grand scheme of things. i know she is working with her friends to improve her place and so is for sure going to complete the D. i guess i just cycle and struggle from time to time on if she is not wayward (ie OM) then again the word WHY. and i guess again it does not matter as the truth is the truth in that she's gone and nothing i can do to change it. i wonder was there anything different i could have done, but the truth is again the truth and no, leaving her alone/letting her go is all i can do. the simplicity of WHAT we can DO no matter the sitch always amazes me, we basically do nothing but let them go and save ourselves. i know she is casting off being a wife/married and casting off being a family. perhaps it was just that she decided she wants none of that anymore. impossible for me to understand, but if those are her feelings and that was the case, again nothing for me to do but keep moving on for me and D. i'm sorry all, my sitch just compared to everyone else's WW sitch just does not match. it is very hard sometimes when you can't put a finger on really why your spouse left and that's where i find myself. our marriage had troubles yes...maybe she just thought they were far more terrible than i did. have to remind myself no matter what the reason, it was her choice. tough to deal with in absence of a showstopper reason.

-b

Last edited by ballast; 12/11/18 12:19 PM.

Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2826965
12/11/18 01:03 PM
12/11/18 01:03 PM
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neffer Offline
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Hi B. While is it ok to wonder all of those "whys" we can concur that W is a trobled MLC person. Selfishness is a common denominator in some of our sitches, and sometimes there are inner triggers that take us to those misty roads.
Anyways, what can you do now? Just keep sailing your course and be there for D3.

We know it┤s a bitter pill to swallow. Give time the time.

Stay strong man


WW H(me): 49
W: 45
T: 25 M: 20
S: 15
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2826966
12/11/18 01:10 PM
12/11/18 01:10 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by ballast
tough to deal with in absence of a showstopper reason.


It is tough to deal with. In my case there was no obvious reason either. Early on (before I discovered DBing) I asked many times for an explanation. What did I do wrong, what went wrong in the M, was it just something she was going through, was it a medical condition, was it a mental breakdown, was it because of long-term anti-depressant usage etc. etc. I think it's the "fix-it" side of us that seeks an answer to that so we can formulate a solution. "Tell me what the problem is and I'll solve it" sort of thing. Unfortunately it's not that simple. Usually the WAS doesn't even know themselves why they want out. It's just some internal emotional reaction to what they perceive as an intolerable situation, but often they don't even know why it suddenly feels intolerable. It just is. So we end up here, dazed and confused and looking for answers. We don't have the answers to "why" on these forums, all we have are tips and techniques for learning to live with your "new normal" and getting used to it, and accepting that you'll never have the answers you so desperately want.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2826969
12/11/18 01:26 PM
12/11/18 01:26 PM
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ballast Offline OP
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neffter/AS...thanks fellas. i know i sound like a broken record to most of you on this board and i apologize up front for that. to not have that "a ha, causative" reason for this...much more like she died than left. my little D is so sweet and loving on her father, it pains me a great deal in contrast to how her M sees me. anything to do with wedding, family or house she is discarding. very hard to understand but i guess the simple answer is give up seeking to understand. LOL what a d88n way to have to be, but that's the facts. again appreciate you all putting up with what sounds like the same musings from me over and over.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2826980
12/11/18 02:05 PM
12/11/18 02:05 PM
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Originally Posted by ballast
i know i sound like a broken record to most of you on this board and i apologize up front for that.


It's no problem, I think that's part of the recovery process. We keep asking "Why, why, why????" until one day we quit asking and just let it go. Even now I sometimes find myself wondering what happened but now it's more out of a sense of curiosity than any desperate need to know so I can fix things. Anyway, keep asking as many times as you need to. These forums are here for us to vent our frustrations that we can't vent anywhere else.

Quote
much more like she died than left.


I remember way back years ago on my thread saying that I thought it would have been easier to process my ex dying, right? I mean it's very painful to lose a loved one, but you go through the grieving process and then let them go. But this, it's like your W died, but she's still there. But you can't tell how much of her is left. And you don't know whether to let her go or not. Is she sick and she will get better? Or is she gone for good? That's part of the frustration. Anyway I am not at all wishing death on my ex, just commenting on how the finality of death is easier to deal with than this strange WAS limbo.

Quote
my little D is so sweet and loving on her father, it pains me a great deal in contrast to how her M sees me.


I'm convinced that changes in nearly every case, except maybe where a WAS is mentally ill. They do eventually come out of the fog and they do remember their M and their spouse in a better light. That doesn't necessarily mean recon, but you're not going to be "the bad guy" in her eyes forever.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2826983
12/11/18 02:13 PM
12/11/18 02:13 PM
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neffer Offline
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And there┤s also the need to live the real time. Check the reality, accept it and keep moving forward. Sometimes those "what if" act like anchors that keep us just buoying. Well, we need to cut those chains and be free to move. Not an easy thing to do.


WW H(me): 49
W: 45
T: 25 M: 20
S: 15
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2826989
12/11/18 02:30 PM
12/11/18 02:30 PM
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ballast Offline OP
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AS...for me as my sitch has gone on and there's been only silence and avoidance it is really much less WHY and way more "what is up with her". I get lulled into the "well she's a WW" i think because it's more convenient to see my sitch in the others i read, but a good bit of that just simply doesn't match up. i don't think at all on how to fix her, only her path through her life can take her to wherever it's going to take her. i know that confidently and I'm grounded in that reality.

yes, i've had that thought before regarding dying. there is a total absence of ANYTHING from her, yet she's there. definitely concur on who knows what's left, i do completely know i have to continue letting her go, sick/will she get better/gone for good...only thing that i'm running towards is myself being gone for good from this situation. that is the only thing that saves me. again we had a non-communicative marriage towards the end, she was unhappy about mom/wife/family/life, we could have both been better, maybe it was a simple as that. but her just completely dying to me, zero contact outside of D...the cause relative to the reaction from her just makes no sense.

i'm just going to keep walking away from her. probably when she feels that her new life/decision is safe from judgement she may soften...i will not be there if that time ever comes. i've been emotionally abused long enough.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2826990
12/11/18 02:33 PM
12/11/18 02:33 PM
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Originally Posted by neffer
And there┤s also the need to live the real time. Check the reality, accept it and keep moving forward.


Yes, neffer exactly that. To me in as few words as possible you just summed up DB'ing to me. All of us can read and post and ponder and this and that and the other....what you just said in those fews words is what it always comes back to. thanks buddy.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2827055
12/11/18 04:45 PM
12/11/18 04:45 PM
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Originally Posted by ballast
i read of folks having waywards who cry, temp check, ask for pictures of kids, exchange pictures, try to keep the LBH as a plan B, TALK...me, absolutely none of that has happened.


Your sitch is not unique ballast. Waywards and walkaways all act differently but few if any can give you a satisfying answer for "why".

The "why" is obviously about feeling out of control and trying to protect yourself from stepping into this again. You will never get a valid "why", even she doesn't know. She can make something up that fits the circumstances and sounds logical, but the real causes are far more complex and intermingled and probably have less to do with you than you might expect.

In my case I *knew* I was a good husband all along, and that's why the "big why" was particularly troublesome for me. It was never answered to my satisfaction either and I just had to accept that -- that's the way these things go.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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