MLC and WAS Pt 2

[marina7]

Yail,

Good things work out.

Not trying to be a debbie downer but you cannot put
your guard down. Read my story.

In the beginning I wrote exactly what you wrote.
W will never do that. And wow how I wish I took everyone's
advice.

But lesson learned right.

I know is W home.
Just prepare yourself if W wants you out within 30days.
What are your rights to living there.

I do hope your W snaps out of this. But as you read here.
You have many years to go before W snaps out of it.

Is hard in the beginning as everything in life. But you will be OK.

You are ok right now but trust me you will be going through your
Grief, lost.. and maybe anger.

I haven't been angry to much hurt so much hurt that I think I
will never trust another human being. I am now so guarded is
Scary but am working on that in therapy. I admit W broke me so
Bad. But again only within time.

So take this time to reflect and you will be Ok

Remember always One day at a time

[Yail]

Not trying to be a debbie downer but you cannot put
your guard down. Read my story.

I appreciate the reminder marina. I will not let my guard down. I will not trust what she says, but will watch for her actions. I don't know this person in front of me, so I shouldn't trust them. I trusted who my W used to be, but she can't be that person right now. Maybe she can be civil through this process - that's my hope. But if not, I will be sure to always protect myself.

I admit W broke me so
Bad. But again only within time.

Well, I would argue that W did not break YOU. She broke your trust. She broke your R. But she did not break YOU because you are still here standing strong with your kids. So don't ever think she broke you. You are stronger than her - you will never break.

We bend in the storm like willows (or palm trees!). But we don't break.


Today I had an unexpected gift. A dear friend who I only chat with a couple times a year called me out of the blue. We had a wonderful hour long chat about our lives. It was so lovely to hear her voice and her support. Her 7 year old son got on the phone and played me a song he made up on the ukelele. It was the most wonderful gift today. I'm feeling so very content in this moment despite the craziness happening in my life right now. My heart feels hopeful and light. Also, this Bordeaux may be helping I haven't been drinking very much, but tonight I am thoroughly enjoying it as it is freezing outside but cozy in my house.

Onward and upward.

[marina7]

Yail,

Am in Illinois rainy and cold...

But today I had to run errands.

Drinking yes I did that lots of Vino with bestfriend
In BD I remember making sure Trios where sleep.

My bestfriend was my old neighbor so I would walk back home
Or sit in backyard with bestfriend and drink till sunset.

But We caught ourselves I was numbing myself we stop
Cold Turkey. I was never a drinker but caught myself
Drinking my emotions.

I was never a partier or smoker or drinker in W words I am worse
Then a old man...lol

Broken.. your right but she did break my soul that happen. But
One day at a time

[Yail]

Burned inspired me with his list of resolutions. I'm going to start a list of my own, though it's not complete yet.

Areas of health:
*Physical
*Emotional
*Social
*Intellectual
*Happiness
*Future/Forward thinking
*Good Habits

I might have made up some of those categories


So I've come to my first three goals. I'm hitting Happiness, Future, and Good Habits right now.

Good Habit Goal (3 parts)

Part 1: I will be sure the dishes are washed every day. This is something I've never gotten in the habit of. I don't have a sink full of dishes, but sometimes there will be 3 or 4 pots that sit for a few days.

Part 2: I will clean or maintain 1 item in the house at least 5 days a week. Vaccuum, rabbit hutch, tub, lawn, garage, laundry...I'm not a very good housekeeper. I tend to save it all up, then do cleaning at once. I rarely cared for the house. Or, more accurately, I only did these things when W was ready to pull her hair out with me. I would like to be the kind of person that stays on top of this. It doesn't have to be a big project, just 1 task.

W will not notice these things, since W moved out. I won't be sharing with her. So I really don't feel it's for her that I'm doing this. I really do want to be the kind of person who just HANDLES all this stuff. I'm Olivia Pope. IT'S HANDLED.

Part 3: I will make the bed every day in the AM. This isn't difficult. It looks nice, and is super cozy then at night.

Future:
Every week I will do at least one thing to plan for my future. Many of these tasks may not be fun. Contact a lawyer. Explore my housing options. It may include packing in upcoming months. These are not fun. But it is necessary for me to plan for a happy, successful life, and I cannot procrastinate or be reactive in this.

Happiness:
Write a Thank You note to someone once a week. I have a bunch of blank cards, and have always tried and failed to create this habit. I put too much pressure on the "perfect" note. That's not important - just the fact that I write and deliver!

[Yail]

"We have mourned enough in these weeks. We have shed tears for one we loved. And lived in the hollow she left behind. We cannot surrender to more tears because of this. We are leaping into grief as if we had embraced it as a form of recreation. We are not what we have lost; we are not what has been taken from us. You are all too willing to embrace the void. If you do not cherish what remains you will all become as nothing. You will be nothing. We are not broken. We are each as whole as we will ever be again. And in the end, when we cease to be, we will all become memories." - Sister Monica Joan, "Call the Midwife"

[Yail]

Struggling. The more I read about people's individual sitches the less I see my W in them. I can't find anyone who has had the same experience I am having, and I don't know how that makes me feel.

It doesn't matter, but I'm still struggling with the "MLC vs WAS" question. It does not matter. It does not matter. But it's the part that's on repeat for me.

From being loving to asking for D in 6 months. The real nose-dive came within past 4 months. 4 months. Wow. W moved states. Took all her stuff. No overly distructive behaviors that I can see, but I don't know what W is up to honestly. I did look at photo progressions from my phone, and I see the light in her eyes has gone out in every photo from this summer/fall. There was still a twinkle in her eye last May. A few Thanksgiving photos were on FB from her time with her family and the smile looks forced. What is happening with her? I don't know.

The fact that W has moved makes R even more remote in my mind. She's trying for a clean slate. I know that she cannot just "forget" me or our life together. But I don't know if she's truly in a fog and just putting one foot in front of the other...or if she is dead-serious about this transition. Seeing the photos of her makes me feel it's a fog. The timeline of 6 months makes me think its a fog. The fact that there is/was an OW makes me think its a fog.

But some of her steps are just so...logical. Calm. Polite.

[Yail]

Yail is feeling a bit...feisty.

And has had a few several glasses of bourbon. It's rye season.

I will start by saying there are some completely AMAZING people on this forum. Most of you, I'd wager, though I've gotten to "know" a few of you better than others. I wish every single person here a positive way forward in whatever form that may take. We all deserve it and we can all achieve it. I think at the end of the day, that is the point of DB. We are dealt a difficult hand, but we can play it however we choose. We have power within ourselves.

But here's the deal. This forum isn't all rainbows. There are more than a few toxic dialogues going on on a few threads. And a lot of blame that if someone doesn't DB perfectly it's going to set them back in their own recovery and therefore they are WRONG and will just take longer to heal. And a few times I've seen someone essentially write, "You didn't listen, so yeah, we're sorry that you're W/H left. Wish we could have helped you." That is...unkind. At the least. I do think every person here deserves encouragement and suggestions but there are some posters who regularly cross into judgement.

And in that - I'm not interested.

I have learned a great deal while reading this forum. It has only been about 2 weeks, tbh. I've learned about myself and my past R dynamic. I've read a great number of theories as to why my W may have left. My theories won't bring her back. Using the core of DB may - focusing on myself, being open to hearing her if she is ever ready. Validating is a huge eye opener to me, and not something I previously had really experienced. These are all great for all relationships, and I thank you all for sharing your wisdom and experiences.

But I won't lie, there's some (not so subtle) sexism in some threads as to "why" Rs are broken.

*Eye-roll*

Learn a new dynamic. Too much discussion of a strong man and then a WAW/WW woman coming back. Do you know what this repeated story is neglecting to discuss? Financial disparity between partners. Power dynamics between partners. Emotional intelligence and depression. Sexual power between partners. Varying family support between partners. We're simplifying everyone's case down to a power dynamic due to biology and that's just not accurate. I understand this is the internet, and full stories are difficult to express and communicate, but I'm just finding many of the conversations overly simplified. And yes, I do think my perspective is in part because I'm a lesbian. But it is just as valid.

To me, I don't think ANY gender wishes to be with someone acting "weak". I think NGS is worthy of examination, and I see myself in that behavior. Very eye-opening, I had never considered this as a R concern. I had never applied it to myself as a very femme lesbian-identified woman. We all want to be strong, healthy individuals. And we want our partners to mirror that - because we ALL DESERVE THE BEST.

And yes, I do mean "any gender". The full spectrum. All of them. Though we talk as if there are only two. This is inaccurate, and a missing piece.

I think YAIL is approaching some anger within her sitch, and perhaps some of it is misguided at folks here. But maybe not. This is a bit pre-M Yail. I had fire and felt the need to poke the bear. I guess I still do.

Much love to folks here putting in 100% every day with an open mind and open heart. More than anything else, that's what is important.

[burned]

Feisty is good. You bring a different viewpoint to the table at this absurd Thanksgiving feast.

[Yail]

Journaling

W sent an email last night. Only communication since Dec 2 when she came to house to pick up belongings and communicated via text. We both only communicate if necessary and are to the point and polite.

The email was on her thoughts regarding logistics of selling the house and dividing possessions. It is her hope to no longer pay for the house as of March 31 (house is in her name 100%). I wasn't clear if she means she wants it sold by March 31 or if she would be open to me "renting" from her for a few months to give myself some flexible time to identify a new home. I live in a very expensive state/area, so housing is not easy to come by. I would potentially be a first time home buyer. I have to consider my options and preference before I respond. She does not want much else from the house, but indicated she doesn't expect me to come-up with a way to get rid of the rest on my own, and proposed a few different ways she might help, and asked my thoughts on what I needed from her.

I read the email last night while I was at my company holiday party, so I read it quickly and while a bit buzzed with whiskey. I'll need to reread it carefully.

It was a kind email, similar to her recent communications. I don't understand. After months of crankiness towards me while she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay or go...once she's gone and made the decision she is the most accommodating she has ever been towards me. Her tone indicates almost a willingness to bend-over-backwards to help.

Does anyone else have a kinder-than-normal WW/MLC spouse? This is just totally rational and friendly.

It makes me really not understand why she left. The email is important, of course. We're talking in a timely way to plan for something that has to happen. Even if there was a magical Reconciliation Fairy, that doesn't change the fact that W is committed to her new job out of state and cannot continue to pay for multiple households. But it still upset me because this is my home and it's the home we had together that she no longer lives in. I feel safe here, and I'm scared to leave it behind. I'm just so, so sad that this will never be our home again.

The last time I saw W in person she had asked for a D. She said she'd start proceedings in new year. While I know this logically I'm still in denial emotionally and sometimes think she won't file, and maybe this turns into a long term separation that ends in R. I know that's not how the story goes. I think the house email reminded me that this doesn't end in R right now.

********
So last night's work party was interesting for me. I work with a lot of lesbians, and I had these weird moments of just wondering to myself...what will it be like to date again in the future? So foreign. I don't want to, and am very clearly and obviously not in a space to do so. But I don't even know what my type is anymore! I found myself doing a double take at someone who is very much not who I thought would be my type...but apparently might be.

It has been so long since I even considered the possibility of "looking". When W and I got together I was only a few months out of a R with another woman that I had been with for 2 years. But W and I had had what I now know was an EA while I was with the Ex. So we were connected for a long time - we had been instantly drawn to each other. It just happened.

I've never ever dated. I'm a serial monogamist. So the concept of grabbing a drink or bite to eat to get to know someone just sounds like friendship to me. I need to see a person in their setting to know if I'm attracted to them. I need to see how they interact with the world, how they carry themselves. I'm drawn to confidence, and want to see the person command the room. W was a chef, and watching her every move be filled with confidence as she was in her element was incredibly attractive. I don't know that I would have known this except we worked together.

[FlySolo]

So last night's work party was interesting for me. I work with a lot of lesbians, and I had these weird moments of just wondering to myself...what will it be like to date again in the future? So foreign. I don't want to, and am very clearly and obviously not in a space to do so. But I don't even know what my type is anymore! I found myself doing a double take at someone who is very much not who I thought would be my type...but apparently might be.

It has been so long since I even considered the possibility of "looking". When W and I got together I was only a few months out of a R with another woman that I had been with for 2 years. But W and I had had what I now know was an EA while I was with the Ex. So we were connected for a long time - we had been instantly drawn to each other. It just happened.

I remember this moment. I had been to a work event and had found myself catching the eye of someone I worked with more than once. And I realized we had been aware of each other for days - circling one another in the office. So I flirted a little with him (nothing more) but I woke up in my bed (alone) the early mornings and cried. It was a strange realization that I was aware of men and was open to the possibility of something. I no longer felt married. I had taken my ring off months before but it had always felt like I still had it on. Strangely, that night someone commented that they noticed that week that I was no longer wearing my ring (even though it had been off for months). Anyway, it was another step towards the acceptance, and it hurt. It is a slow process and each step hurts.

Also - I like the feisty Yail. I too find some comments here difficult to take and think some of the issues that get raised as gender roles are really power dynamics. But they have a point, it so happens power dynamics are normally played out around traditional notions of gender. How gender roles plays in a same sex couple, or even in a relationship like mine where we were both working, I was the higher earner and the one with the NG tendencies, I don't know. I take what fits my sitch, and wash over those that don't, knowing that even if they don't fit mine, they fit others. He earned less, but was definitely the more controlling. He lost respect for me because I let him be controlling. I became the doormat (NG) and I lost respect for him because he made me the doormat and rebelled in little ways. Power dynamics. Not gender.

Anyway, I am glad you are here to pipe in with a slightly different perspective. Everyone's view is valid as long as it comes from a place of compassion and understanding.