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A Message from Michele
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Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2825896
12/05/18 04:55 PM
12/05/18 04:55 PM
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ballast,

I feel like our situations are pretty similar in that my W still hasn't given me any real good indication why she wants out. There was an OM that I discovered that started this whole ordeal, but I don't think they've been in contact at all for about a month. If you notice on my thread, I just posted an update talking about how it feels like my W is going dark on me as well! There is just nothing as far as communication goes. Anytime she would communicate with me or open up (if you want to call it that) about her thoughts and feelings were after I initiated the conversation. I'm done doing that and so the result is essentially NC between her and I now.

I have always thought there is a mental health aspect that makes my situation different than most WWs that I've read on here. Her researching her past abuse from her biological father earlier this year definitely has played a part into her emotional stability. I think that's undeniable. She has been a mess because of it. But she did such a good job of covering that up, I had no clue what she was struggling with during that time before BD. That is something that you don't just heal from overnight, either. It will be a long, long process for her. It feels like that in conjunction with the As and waywardness makes for a very tricky and almost impossible scenario.

I, too, struggle with the 'Why' component very much. I've said it in my threads a few times -- my deficiencies and shortcomings are not anything really out of the ordinary in a normal MR. Why my W feels like D is the only option and has never once considered even the thought of R (to me, anyway) or at least trying to work on our problems simply boggles my mind. I will probably never understand it, but the thought of her just nuking my kids' only sense of family without really any justification for doing so is the main reason I can't "move on" so to speak.

While I hate that you are going through what you are, it does give me a small sense of comfort knowing I'm not the only one....stay strong, man. I know that's easier said than done!


M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2825902
12/05/18 05:06 PM
12/05/18 05:06 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 766
B
ballast Offline OP
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wanted...up front I am praying for you and your children.

I appreciate your comments and support. I believe there are skeletons in my W's closet though I have no idea what they might be AND she is running her scheme to protect herself via the D process. is it mental health related? meh, IC tells me yeah it is, but I'm not really buying it. I'm focusing on what I feel I could have done better as a husband/man and working to put her in my rear view ASAP. I do (rather DID) love the woman I married, but she is gone now and it is her own dysfunction that pushes me towards healing and my unwritten future. MANY friends have told me "you know B, maybe this is God's way of getting you and D away from her before some bad stuff happens". the mind can be both a wonderful gift and hindrance through the lens of perspective it's provided.

we are definitely not alone on this journey. head down, keep on going through the tunnel to the new light on the other side!

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2825913
12/05/18 05:23 PM
12/05/18 05:23 PM
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Posts: 308
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Thanks, b. I'll be praying for you and your D too.

I'm pretty positive my W's mental health is a major component. She has tried to separate the two (her own issues and our MR issues) on a few occasions. Once in the joint session we had with our two ICs. At my next IC, my therapist and I both commented on just how bizarre of a statement that really was. It really spoke to her mindset and just how lost and confused she is. It was probably her way of "justifying" her reasons for wanting out of the M by stating that our MR issues have nothing to do with what she is going through, personally. Maybe some day she will understand that they, in fact, are completely tied together. I'm just not sure if I'll be around if she ever does come to that realization.

I'm still waiting for her to communicate to me whether or not she's moving out. She told me last week she was. While it pains me to think about it, part of me does understand that it's probably a necessary part of the process and her own process. It would finally give her the time and space she needs/wants and also an opportunity to experience what life without me and the kids in it everyday really looks like. If that sobers her up, who knows. But I do know it will help in my detachment process. While I can't really say I look forward to it, I do think it might be necessary at this stage of the equation.

I'll be following your sitch. Take care!


M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2825919
12/05/18 05:40 PM
12/05/18 05:40 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 766
B
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for me I have focused on what/where I feel I could have been better in the MR and for her, that stuff is within my control to handle, address and improve. now if she has issues/health then it's all on her to deal with if/whenever she decides to. I will say that some of the stuff she has sent me has been delusional, very random and has made my IC say she has the emotional maturity of a 16yo girl so...as is said here, ain't my circus, ain't my monkeys...

having my W out of the house has been a blessing. I have been envious of those who have the chance to see their WW in house, BUT I have learned that was all down to my desire to "action" and show her my changes. once you free yourself from believing you have control over this...quicker you can get free of them the better.

this is a sickening process, no LBS wants to go through it, as ACC has told me many times, the loss of control can be debilitating and make you miserable. it is your life though, god help us all who must experience it and we can do nothing more than go straight through it as best we can.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2825992
12/05/18 10:18 PM
12/05/18 10:18 PM
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Originally Posted by ballast
I will say that some of the stuff she has sent me has been delusional, very random and has made my IC say she has the emotional maturity of a 16yo girl so...as is said here, ain't my circus, ain't my monkeys...


That's very interesting because my IC said essentially the same thing. She told me that when someone is sexually abused, they pretty much stop maturing emotionally. They are stuck at whatever emotional stage they were in when the traumas occurred. In my Ws case, that took place when she was 2-3 yrs old and then again when she was a teenager. It makes my physically ill to think about what my W has gone through, however, after hearing my IC explain this, it sort of explains, in a sense, where her mindset as been. If she's that immature emotionally, that could explain why she just wants out with no desire to try to fix our M and R. Like all WW, logic and reason play no part in their thoughts and feelings. Then if my W is stunted emotionally because of what she's gone through in the past, that makes it even worse.

Who knows though. Like you said, ain't my circus, ain't my monkeys. I could drive myself nuts thinking about all of this stuff and therefore try not to as best I can.


M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2826001
12/05/18 10:52 PM
12/05/18 10:52 PM
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Posts: 766
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W so I have no idea anything much about W's life before I met her. perhaps that was something each of us should have shared with the other back when we first got serious, kind of a "biography of my partner's life" deal. so for me who knows what if anything transpired in my w's life to contribute to where we are now. what I can say is that throughout my sitch, I have simply not accepted/nor permitted my W's possibly having mental health issues for getting us where we are. maybe she has them, maybe not, the IC emphatically say yes, but I guard against using them as a crutch to free me from being the perfect husband.

absent explanations from our respective W's for WHY, yes we can each drive ourselves crazy speculating especially as then we think perhaps we can fix the WHY. trust me I've spent lots of spare time trying to understand just like every other LBS that ends up here. if you look at Neffer's last post on Hurt's thread, the succinctness, clarity of what he wrote, through away all the psycho babble, that's the simple cold hard truth and way forward for each of us. it is amazingly simple what we must do but entirely ridiculously brutally painful at the same time. the only thing that could possibly be comparable is having our spouse die suddenly. we are all simply trying our best to survive the aftermath of their instant removal from our lives.

I love my wife, simple as that. she is gone now, simple as that. I must move on now, simple as that. I free her with all of the love and forgiveness in my heart that I have and pray God show me mercy and grace to get me through this terrible ordeal. simple as that, that is all I have. many things that happen in this world I suppose we aren't ever meant to understand why and truth can be brutally painful to accept, but accept it we must...again simple as that.

hang tough W..

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2826002
12/05/18 10:56 PM
12/05/18 10:56 PM
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Wanted/Ballast,
Now I am certainly no expert on any of this but I would say there are mental health issues to some degree in almost all sitch's on here. There appears to be a lot of depression, conflict avoidance, emotional immaturity etc.

The why. Isn't that the million dollar question? My W's reason, "I just don't want to be with you like that". That certainly narrows things down doesn't it. Again I think the why or lack of why is due to some of the mental and emotional health issues with our WAS's.


M:33 W:32
T: 10 M:8
D9
S7
D4
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2826004
12/05/18 11:07 PM
12/05/18 11:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 766
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Ryan for sure especially in Wanted's sitch if his W has suffered trauma in the past then there are legit aspects of mental health. I would only caution all of us to work on US first and be mindful of using mental health to excuse us of our part in the MR breaking down.

Beyond there possibly being mental health issues, I think generationally there are much greater forces at play for each of us. the acceptance of divorce, ease of social media creating infidelity, etc. Sandi was gracious enough to speak with me quite a bit about this topic in my prior thread and if you haven't seen it definitely worth a read.

has my IC said my W is depressed, conflict avoidant and emotional immature? yep, but even if she is, guess what ain't done a d**n thing to bring her back to me and I don't feel one bit absolved from my faults of which during our MR assuredly there were many.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2826020
12/06/18 02:37 AM
12/06/18 02:37 AM
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Posts: 308
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If my posts came across as my W’s mental state excusing me of any wrong doing, I apologize, because that wasn’t what I intended at all.

I know my faults. I own them and I’m working hard to fix them moving forward. Granted, most of them are things that require interaction, so I haven’t been able to put them to use, but I’m mindful of the changes I need to make. And, as I said ages times previously, most of them are pretty standard complaints that females have about males in a relationship. Nothing that’s so horrible that a “normal” person would consider getting a D over I don’t think. I do know there are changes I can make to make our MR better. I want to make them and will. She has said she doesn’t trust that I can, though.

Some of the complaints my W has of me were basically counter reactive to some of the issues/struggles my W has, which my IC told me are a direct result of past trauma. For example, my wife feeling the need to please men. That comes from the horrors of being sexually abused by two different people in her life whom you should have been able to trust but took advantage of her and put her in submissive positions. Now, in our M, she took that “responsibility” she felt she had to please men and applied it to always going along and doing as I pleased or wanted. The problem there is, I didn’t know she felt that “need” and that she felt as though she couldn’t voice an opinion! That was never communicated to me until recently. I can’t read minds....if she doesn’t give me an opinion and share what she thinks then I assume she’s in agreement with me. That one is the toughest for me to wrap my head around as to why she resents me for it. It wasn’t like I was aware she felt that way and used that knowledge to control or manipulate her into doing whatever I wanted. I wish I would have know. Then I would have at least followed up with her on to get reassurances that she was onboard with whatever it was.


M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2826100
12/06/18 04:06 PM
12/06/18 04:06 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 766
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W...no i didn't get that sense at all that you were making excuses for yourself. in fact, given what you've said for sure there's a real aspect of that in your sitch.

agreed, i don't think either one of us see our faults severe or horrible enough to justfiy walking away and getting a D, BUT those are OUR feelings and our W's may disagree. i don't think i realized the degree to which my W needed/wanted more emotional interaction with me, but then again she never as an adult said to me "B we need to spend more time together or I need..." I think perhaps she just thought I should known automatically OR heck she may not even have been able to clearly state what she needed/wanted. i have not heard a SINGLE woman ever believe that a man can change. it is terribly difficult for me to try and understand that as a man. there is such an overt finality of thought i get from ladies in these sitches, completely devoid of hope for change. is that because they have an OM or is that because it is simply too emotionally painful for them to reconsider R'ing or once they are done, they are simply done. AS will highlight how ladies can change THEIR minds, I just don't think they think we LBH's can change ourselves. which is terribly unfortunate especially given how much each us have grown and learned to become better husbands just as MWD has said as much in some of her writings.

communication as always comes down to be a common factor here in sitches. men and women we do speak different languages, bottom line we are different. again terribly sad that we men can't pick up on the many times non-verbal or code that our wives "speak" towards us and sad that our ladies many times to not realize how foundationally we love them, yet how terribly poor we are at expressing our feelings in ways that they can understand. it takes both partners being dedicated and committed to working together through this foundational needs in a relationship. it again is so sad where many times at the first signs of frustration/difficulty, one or both of us retract, go silent and allowed for the poison of resentment to take hold.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
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